anxiousrock

Well maybe I’ll have more courage after seeing my counsellor a bit more. I’m pretty down in the dumps right now - 0 self confidence.

tomsteve

personally i think thats a big part of the problem with asking for a sponsor- low self esteem. fear of hearing "no?"

lack of self confidense/self esteem is quite common. gotta get some courage and go for it.
you may be younger, but we werent all old farts when we got sober. most of us wouldnt be old farts unless we got sober. we were young farts at onetime,too.

Berrybean

I remember the fear of asking someone to sponsor me. It seemed so needy and presumptuous to do. But THAT is what the program is. I know nowadays that working with newcomers really does help people with more sober time. If it helps, don't think of it as something you're asking to be given to you. More as a commitment to carry and pass on the baton later on when you have good solid healthy recovery to pass on yourself.

I've never heard of sponsor lists. Everyone I know got a sponsor by asking someone personally who they saw as having the kind of recovery they'd like for themselves.

Also, I needed to learn to have some humility and ask for help. Before I had that I'd have been unteachable anyway.

The worst thing that is gonna happen if we ask someone to sponsor us is that they might say no. And if they do say no it will be for a reason that is about them, not about us. Maybe that they re already overcommitted. Or they don't have the length of sobriety that they or their sponsor thinks they'd need, or they haven't completely worked through the steps yet themselves , or whatever

I strongly suggest trying some Big Book and Step Study meetings as well as the general share ones, and start listening to what the people there say. Think about who makes sense to you and seems like someone you could learn from. It doesn't need to be someone who you think would make a good friend. I chose my sponsor because she seemed strict and calm (despite there being all kinds of pressures on her at that time), and that although she was friendly with everyone she didn't seem to gossip in corners and she seemed quite comfortable just sitting on her own not talking when there wasn't anyone chatting to her. When she spoke about HER recovery she was not dramatic, just very straightforward and concise. Maybe doesn't sound much, but I wanted that calmness, and that ability to be comfortable on the edge of a crowd. And I needed someone who'd be direct and firm and explain things well. My legs were shaking when I went and asked her if she'd consider being my sponsor. She said "I wondered when you were going to ask. Yes, I will sponsor you, but I don't stand for any sh1t." Of course, I had no intention of messing her around. I certainly didn't want to have to ask anyone else and go through all that again lol.

You know, it's also possible to ask someone to just commit to being a sponsor temporarily if you don't feel like you know them well enough to ask them to be your ongoing sponsor.

BB

anxiousrock

There is literally 0 chance of me asking someone. Anxiety, social anxiety, depression, no self confidence. I never get to talking to anyone at AA.
I probably don’t deserve a sponsor anyways.

Gottalife

This relating business is overated. I was completely mad when I arrived in AA aged 22. I related best to other mad people, but they were not the ones who could help me recover.

There are loads of alcoholics recovering young these days. I was at a meeting not so long ago where there was over 100 years sobriety amongst members who got sober in their early twenties.

There was a passing parade of young people also, who seemed to have an issue with the older members. I didn't relate to that attitude, and they didn't stay. The wisdom, kindness and love of the older members is what kept me coming back. I never experienced such unconditional love.

anxiousrock

I guess I’m going to the wrong meetings then cause I never seem to see many people my age.
Sometimes addicts will stop by if they can’t get to NA. But most the problem say they got a DUI and have to be there.
Anyways it doesn’t matter. I relate more to the people who admit to being alcoholics.

Berrybean

I never met anyone who didn't feel social anxiety and depression at the start of their journey. If they hadn't they wouldn't have felt desperate enough to even contemplate it anyway.

And whether or not we deserve a sponsor really is completely besides the point, which I suppose is why many folk equate recovery with grace and undeserved love. You know there are people sat in prisons, working the 12-step program after committing some horrendous crimes. I don't suppose many of them felt deserving of a sponsor either.

But this isn't about there not being a sponsor available really is it. It's about being willing. Sometimes it's so, so hard to get willing. I struggled with that for many months.

BB

2ndhandrose

(((Anarock)))

You deserve every good thing

DreamCatcher17

I am at 5.5 months Sober. No sponsor, don't want one.
When I first went to AA many years ago, I did get one... I drank...
I went back, didn't get one.. Drank

Here I am today. I go to 1 meeting a week, no sponsor...

I think the reason this time is because I have accepted I am an alcoholic and I have no problems with not drinking, no urges, nothing.
I also don't talk to anyone from my past, (minus the BF). He is the only person I have to give an amends to...
I went through everything I did, I forgave myself and moved on.

Everyone manages their sobriety differently. I also go to therapy every week.

anxiousrock

Yes I personally think that therapy will work better for me.

Weather Forecast

In AA's defence I would add that it is not the place of the fellowship to sort out everyone's problems, nor does it claim to be capable of doing this, but rather the Twelve Step program is designed to cater towards dealing with the grosser defects that might cause us to go out drinking again in the short term. AA claims only to be a place to help stop drinking and it does this very well if you are willing to throw yourself into it.

While it is true that many of us do need help to deal with pressing issues once the drink has been put down for a reasonable period therapy is just as unreliable as Twelve Step work if the willingness is not there. I attended counselling sessions when I was drinking and couldn't get anywhere. I was in no fit state to take it seriously and, to be honest, I think that there are many counsellors out there who are inadequate, at least here in the UK. When I was two years sober I started working with a clinical psychologist and my experiences have been very positive but much of this is due to the progress I had made being sponsored through AA's famous program. I learned willingness in the Twelve Steps as well as how to take responsibility for my recovery.

But yes - there were certain AA teachings that my psychologist and I had to undo since I've been in therapy.

I wish you well on your journey and, as ever, would encourage you to post as much about it as you feel comfortable.

DayTrader

IMO, those 3 statements sound like the disease talking. Zero chance? That would presume even a miracle is impossible and nothing is impossible for God.

Anxiety, social anxiety, depression and lack of self confidence are, once again, very strong symptoms of the 'ism. While they may be part of something more, I've yet to run into ANYone new to recovery who didn't have those (and many more) running roughshod over their life. That's the crap we're recovering from.

And as far as not DESERVING a sponsor - frankly, that's the 'ism once again telling you a M-fing lie. I don't give a damn who it is, you want to get better and are willing to work for it, you deserve help. Don't believe those lies your head tries
to tell you. I felt the same way and lemme tell you......I was the only one who believed it and I was wrong.

Gottalife

I thought that too, but it wasn't based in any experience or any evidence that therapists have the power to fix alcoholism. There isn't any. It was based on the fact that I had a particularly nice therapist by the name of Dorithy, appointed by the court. She was lovely to talk to, understanding, tolerant and open minded. She said things I liked to hear and gave me options to try. I looked forward to our appointments.

She was in essence, the easier softer way that AA talks about. Nothing Dorithy said or did kept me sober. None of her ideas worked in that sense. The one thing she did do which kept me dry for a few months was to tell my probation officer that I was hopeless and should be locked up in the loony bin for a while. Easy to stay sober in there.

I'm not saying anything against Dorothy. she wanted to be helpful and she never acted with any other motive. In the end she was helpful. She got me through a great list of things that don't work for alcoholics of my type which lead me to the one thing that does.

MindfulMan

I tried the whole sponsor and Step work thing. Didn’t feel right. Now working with a fantastic therapist. He was referred to me by my IOP therapist as I wanted a therapist that understood addiction. He is in recovery for sex/love addiction and the drugs that go with it in the gay community, including alcohol. So I get the best of both worlds. We are doing a modified Step 4 and it’s fantastic. Looking forward to doing some “homework” on it tomorrow.

I am a total extrovert so social anxiety wasn’t the issue, it was mostly the whole surrrendering to a higher power thing. I have some great people who sponsor and some not so good. That’s ok, a lot of therapists suck too. Get a good one whichever you choose. Or do both.

Berrybean

Well whatever you decide to do Ana. But DO it. And with complete honesty. Half truths don't get us well, so tell your therapist the good the bad and the ugly.
Lots if things helped lots of people, but they all involved that person being willing to get uncomfortable, change their thinking, and do things differently. Because if nothing changes, nothing changes.

BB x

shortstop81

Ana - is there anyone in your AA meetings whom you have any kind of connection with? Even just someone you chat with? If you're feeling that approaching someone is insurmountable, maybe you can kindly ask someone to ask around for you...

I've been fortunate in that my meetings, both sponsors I've had have pretty much 'ambushed' me and made it pretty easy to ask. Because otherwise, I would've been in the same boat as you - WAAY too afraid to reach out for help.

tomsteve

that part i highlighted seemed to be quite big for me.
stepping out of my comfort zone and doing things i wasnt used to. doing things not knowing the outcome.
the outcome sure as hell couldnt be worse than the outcome of continued drinking.

the easier softer way the BB talks about- running from people,places,things,feelings, and emotions- kept me drunk.

it was a bugger facing my fears.
but i didnt die or get drunk.
HUH!

Stayingsassy

I didn't do therapy or AA. Everyone needs something different in their sober path but the one thing we all need is the desire. I did have a very strong desire to quit drinking. The desire was bigger than anything else in my life, and I put it first. My desire to be sober is still number one on my priority list.

When I feel shaky, or down, or off, or nutty, or tired, or overwhelmed, or anxious, or sad, or not good enough, or worried.....sobriety still stays at my number one spot on my life list of priorities. Its before kids, husband, job, house, everything.

Its like breathing. I'd say my sobriety is as important as breathing.

Believe. Just believe that with sobriety you will change. Sounds like a cliche, only remarkably, it's not.