Sobrietyhurts13

5 months tomorrow off of alcohol and marijuana, and I want to die. I hope each night when I go to bed that I won't wake up the next morning. I have suicidal depression that is with me at all times of the day. Everything is wrong with my life - no friends, no woman, no career, no pleasure in any activity. I am working the steps but I really don't like Aa. I have so many horrible feelings and emotions. I was told getting sober would be good for me, but it has reduced my mental state to that of a child - I can barely function. I would welcome a quick death. There seems to be nothing in life left for me. I have no hope that things will get better. I'm going to remain like this until I eventually relapse, at which point I'll kill myself. Why is this happening to me after 5 months? Others are feeling great about their new sober life, and here I am suffering. Where are my benefits to getting sober? Why is there no way out for me? Why am I doomed to be a miserable loser? This is not how it's supposed to be by this point, things are SUPPOSED to have gotten better. It's the same ******** story, other people get it and I don't. I'm not allowed or worthy to share in these supposed benefits of sobriety. I want whoever is reading this to understand, I FEEL SO AWFUL THAT I DONT WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE

Dee74

Hi sobrietyhurts

sometimes I think our drinking masks major problems, that then show themselves when we quit.

Sometimes too we find quitting drinking won't solve all our problems

I don;t think that your worthless or not serving of happiness at all - it just may be that their are other issues going on as well.

You sound very depressed. Have you considered seeing a doctor or a therapist at all?

Please do read this link as well - it has numbers to call for crisis lines etc.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ease-read.html

You deserve a good life and you deserve help.
Please reach out for some.

D

Snowydelrico

Take a breath SH, my brain was foggy for months too.
I felt like a zombi. On auto pilot, doing things and getting no feedback.
I knew drinking and and taking drugs didn’t work because I walked that path for nearly a quarter of a century.
What choice did I have?
I clawed my way out of that seemingly bottomless pit that my addiction had put me in. It took around 6 months for my brain fog to begin to clear.
It’s so rewarding when you start to get glimpses of straight clear thinking.
Please don’t do anything silly. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
You are doing brilliantly.
We kind of are like newborns. Our minds and bodies are learning a new path.
We get to see things for the first time again.
Hang in there this wave will pass.

Berrybean

Sorry youre feeling this way.

You know, this IS a transitional phase though. It WILL pass. Those promises do come true, but they are 12-step promises, not 1 step, or 3-step, or even 5-step promises. Where are you on your step work now.

I would also say that it may be worth reading the following article - it has been helpful to many people who were despairing and losing the will to live around the 6 months mark.... https://digital-dharma.net/post-acut...r-immediately/

I would also suggest looking at what other meetings you could travel to and try to mix it up a bit at this stage. I found the step study meetings really helpful once I'd started to do my step work. Also, daily gratitude lists would be helpful, as would helping other newcomers when you feel bad. Sounds counter-intuitive, but it does work. Promise.

Things will get better. Recovery can be hard at times, but I promise, it IS worth it. That for will lift and you will be able to see the good, as well as the bad in your life.

BB

SnazzyDresser

A lot of us feel deprived when we quit, it's natural. Everybody else gets to drink, why can't I? It's not fair! But thinking that way is a nowhere road that you need to get off as soon as possible.

If you can fully embrace the mindset that you're better off without the poison, you can tune in to the abundance and richness of life experienced fully . It's not at all being deprived of anything, it's finally getting full access to everything that we were deprived of before when we were drunks.

Gottalife

Where are you on the steps. Do you have a service position? Are you carrying the message to others - H&I meetings for example.

Are you in all three sides of the triangle, service, recovery, unity, a.k.a. contributing, learning, belonging?

Or would you happen to be working on step 2, and not ready for the other stuff?

Knightqwe

ive been in same situation last week, but now im ok. things are not same all the time.

Eaglelizard

Hi SH, sorry you are having a hard time. I remember the "why me?" thoughts and yes they did get louder around 4-5 months, sort of a flare-up of general crappiness. That's all it is and you will soon see through these feelings of self-hate/pity. Time to start heading in the general direction of people/things/feelings that are going to make you happy. They are out there but they won't come to you.

Cosima11

I know it's easier said than done but try to see this as a blessing in disguise.. you get to figure out who you are and what you want without any outside influences. You're not chained to a social circle or marriage or career that you might later outgrow.

In some ways early sobriety is like being a child again, you feel helpless and vulnerable and being responsible sucks... but it's also a second chance to use everything you've learned up til this point and actually get it right this time around.

Ken33xx

In addition to alcoholism perhaps something else is going on.

Maybe you suffer from depression?

It is possible for you to get counseling?

JJ991

Hi SH
If you're having suicidal thoughts then you should see your doctor, get some help asap.
I'm around 5 months sober too and I can tell you that it is not all unicorns and rainbows for me. I was drinking to escape things but they are all still there now I'm sober. But being sober means I can address them with a clear head. I take medication for anxiety & I work on that via techniques I learned on a therapy course. It takes work, work that I'm not always in the best mindset to do, I just do what I can.
What I do love though is waking up hangover free, not spending ££££s on booze, not saying or doing stupid things while under the influence etc. Gratitude lists might sound a bit daft but they really do work, I'm a big fan. But I think you need help with the suicidal thoughts first off.
Please take care and get all the help on offer to you. You can only do that while sober. X

anxiousrock

I always started feeling that way at about 10 days to a month in. Absolutely terrible, and I am already on anti anxiety pills. So I didn’t know what to do.
Just started throwing myself more into the gym to try and release endorphins and that helped.

Mizzuno

If you are having suicidal thoughts and think you might act on them please take yourself to your nearest hospital. You do not have to live in that mind set and there are people to help you.

Is there anyone you can call to stay with you? Is there a family member you can stay with? Do you live alone?

wastedpotential

PAWS has been my down fall every time I've tried to quit. The first few weeks after the withdraws always seem to be great. Then this slow crushing apathy/mild depression drags me back after a month or two. I didn't know it was PAWS at the time.

I've also been looking into nutrition recently hoping to help this time around. I found that alcohol depletes b vitamins, zinc and magnesium. I started taking them and a few others like vitamin d, k and c months ago. I've never felt better even while still drinking. I've been taking it easy on the drinking for the past few months though with having a few small benders along the way. The past two weeks I've been tapering and I'm on day 3 completely sober. I might be crazy but it seems different this time around.

Just thought I'd mention that your situation could be a vitamin deficiency and might be worth looking into.

Danielle423

Please, please, PLEASE make an appointment to speak with a psychiatrist- the extent of your depression is not something to put off. You cannot move forward in your recovery until you fully heal all aspects of yourself- mentally as well as psychically. The day that I got properly diagnosed as bipolar was a game changer for me in my sobriety and getting my mental health in check allowed me to move forward and start to reap the rewards I so desperately wanted to see in my life.

Things will get better as long as you keep putting in the work and continue to take care of yourself. You can do this, please do not give up.

waynetheking

Your brain is adjusting to abstinence. We all have crappy emotional sickness early on. Give it some time man. And go see a doctor. They can and will help you.
Hi I'm Wayne, glad your here buddy. We're here for ya.

icoi87

I really suggest you speak with your doctor. If you do have clinical depression, it is a treatable thing and there is no reason to suffer. I have it and I am getting treatment for that as well as working the aa program. Either way, dr. can guide you. Please be safe.

Dee74

welcome to SR wastedpotential

how are you going sobrietyhurts?

D

DayTrader

Almost exactly the same story for my recovery. I put the junk down, racked up some days, then weeks and eventually months. 7 or 8 months in it was like I was living a life that served as a constant reminder of why I liked getting high and drinking so much in the first place - to avoid "this."

One day it hit me what defines that "Spiritual experience sufficient to overcome alcoholism" as: Ideas, emotions, and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them. Sounded about like what I needed - a mind where most (or maybe even all) of the ideas, emotions and attitudes I had needed to be replaced by new ones. Seemed like an impossibility and I knew that even IF I could do it, I'd probably quit somewhere between 15% - 70% of the way through. And how do you really change your thinking about EVERY thing anyway? Maybe a Power greater than myself could? Didn't believe a Power would, but figured it was possible.... so what the heck, let's try the steps.

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. That told me I'd HAVE to be thorough, not some of the work, not just the parts I liked or believed would benefit me....all of it. The bonus prize in the back of my head was if I did it, and it didn't work, I could go to meetings and call everything out for the fraud I believed it to be.

10 years later I'm still here..... Still working those steps because there has yet to be a significant difficulty in my life that hasn't been solved or 95% eased by the application of the principals in the AA program. A completely new mind? - well maybe not 100% but it's been many many years since I've wished I would just die, that life sucked, that I am worthless and/or a failure, and that I don't have a purpose.

My dry time - that time where I'd been not drinking/drugging for months - turned some of the most painful times of my life. I was a full-blown dry-drunk and didn't even know it. SoDRYety wasn't working for me very well. Still suffering from chronic alcoholism when not drinking wasn't even something I was aware was a possibility.....until I experienced it. The best part though, it resulted in enough pain and discomfort in my life that I finally got the willingness to REALLY surrender and take the AA PROGRAM (not just going to meetings and not drinking) seriously.

Looking back now, those painful times were a blessing in disguise. I hope they are for you as well.

Bunny211

This is NOT abnormal. I think people in meetings often make it out like like is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO Great when they get sober...this giant pink cloud hovering above, rainbows and puppies etc. I can honestly say that when I got sober how I felt physically got better but everything else GOT WORSE for a while. I felt lower than low and more miserable than I ever did when I drank. It was like ripping a band aid off a wound and it HURT. Meetings pissed me off because everyone talked about how great sobriety was even early on - and that was NOT the case for me. I struggled for 18 months before I came into my own and figured out what I needed to do to be happy. It takes a while to understand yourself, to know what you like and dislike, for your anxiety to lessen, to sleep through the night, for the anger and despair to fade etc. The good news is that it does fade...and life DOES get better. For me it took a long while. I went on an antidepressant at 18 months sober and it has helped. I cut out some toxic relationships and those helped. I made my recovery program work FOR ME and stopped believing that I needed someone (a sponsor) to tell me what I should do. It's MY life. I got sober to LIVE it.

Really early on, where you are, it is baby steps. One foot in front of the other. Shoot for midnight. Get some exercise. Hit a meeting. Find a support network. If it DID NOT get better NOBODY (and I mean nobody) would stay sober. So hang your hat on that...that it got better for everyone else who is still sober and it WILL get better for you too! BIG HUGS! Fight the good fight! I believe in you.

<3 Bunny