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Going thru a divorce - drinking more than ever

Old 02-14-2018, 03:35 PM
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Going thru a divorce - drinking more than ever

My wife of 5 years whom I loved very much left me for another man just before Christmas. I was/am absolutely devastated as I felt we had a good marriage. Her leaving was a total surprise to me.

Now that I am alone after work every day I find myself drinking ever more larger quantities of alcohol, and every day too. I have quite a history with booze. I discovered it at age 13 and drank daily from ages 18-35. I was probably what is considered to be a functional drunk. At age 33 I began to realize the potential consequences of my habits and began to attend AA meetings a couple times a week. While I did abstain during the 1 year period I attended meetings I soon picked back up my old habits when I quit attending.

Now I find out that my wife has left me for another man and I'm drinking like a total madman. I know this daily behavior can't keep going on without me ending up in the grave very soon. I've got an appointment with my GP next week. Getting labs done and all. I plan on telling the Doc about my increased consumption. I plan on asking about Antabuse and/or Naltrexone. Any of you have any success with these medications?
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Old 02-14-2018, 05:18 PM
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Welcome, DeepSouth - it's great to have you join us.

I'm sorry for the pain you've been going through. I did the same thing - tried to numb my feelings by drinking - but it only caused more anxiety. It's best to face things with a clear head - otherwise we prevent ourselves from healing. I'm glad you came here to talk things over with those who understand.

I don't have any experience with antabuse or naltrexone. I'm glad you're getting a check up & can discuss it with your dr. Things will get better! I hope you'll keep posting & reading here - it helps to know we're not alone.
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Old 02-14-2018, 05:26 PM
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Originally Posted by DeepSouth101 View Post
My wife of 5 years whom I loved very much left me for another man just before Christmas. I was/am absolutely devastated as I felt we had a good marriage. Her leaving was a total surprise to me.

Now that I am alone after work every day I find myself drinking ever more larger quantities of alcohol, and every day too. I have quite a history with booze. I discovered it at age 13 and drank daily from ages 18-35. I was probably what is considered to be a functional drunk. At age 33 I began to realize the potential consequences of my habits and began to attend AA meetings a couple times a week. While I did abstain during the 1 year period I attended meetings I soon picked back up my old habits when I quit attending.

Now I find out that my wife has left me for another man and I'm drinking like a total madman. I know this daily behavior can't keep going on without me ending up in the grave very soon. I've got an appointment with my GP next week. Getting labs done and all. I plan on telling the Doc about my increased consumption. I plan on asking about Antabuse and/or Naltrexone. Any of you have any success with these medications?
Sorry but I too have no experience with such medication

However I do have experience with a woman leaving me for another man. The day I found out I bought a bottle of whiskey and then called in sick at work.

But like much of life's painful periods it better to face them sober.
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Old 02-14-2018, 05:36 PM
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Thanks Hevyn,

The tough thing is that I am already prescribed anti-anxiety meds by the Dr. yet I seem to only use those the morning after a heavy drinking session.

I need to get off this cycle of drinking in the evenings to self medicate and then take Benzos in the AM to get thru the day and help erase the effects of the previous evening.
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Old 02-14-2018, 05:42 PM
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Okay.
That is a really ****** situation. I am sorry for your pain and what has happened in your marriage. I can read the devastation. I am so sorry.

I do know that you are on the right track to talk with your GP. I dont have experience with these medications so I dont have any sound advice.

Please know you are not alone and you can get sober. Its not easy and for me I have had major bumps in my road for over a decade. Its all about the try. The one day at a time.

The try can and will stick!
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Old 02-14-2018, 05:51 PM
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You cannot get sober with a pill. I wish. I tried naltrexone, you can search for past posts. Really the best thing here is to completely stop. Just do not pick up that first drink. Try changing up your environment, your routine. Go to the movies, walk, pick up old hobbies. Maybe a dog. Change is your friend.

Best to excercise, eat right, journal, and maybe even go to church. This a tough situation no doubt about it, but you are wise to see that the drinking could only add more trouble. It will not help in the long run. Alcohol ruined a lot of my relationships, I cannot recommend sobriety enough.

Nowyou no longer have a wife, you are a free man. Start workin on goals for your life. Where do you want to live.? different city? Maybe a trip ot two to somewhere you have aways wanted to go.

living well is the best revenge and i wish you the best.
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Old 02-14-2018, 05:56 PM
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So sorry DeepSouth, unfortunately I don't have experience with those meds either....but I can definitely relate to the spouse infidelity/divorce and drinking myself numb part. In hindsight it was a blessing in disguise and I'm much better off now, but I wasted so much time and money over the years, thinking I was "making up for lost time" and every day was a party, ugh....

I don't want to "lecture" ~ I just hope you don't put yourself through what I put myself through. Glad you're here and posting!
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Old 02-14-2018, 06:07 PM
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Thanks all for your input and advice. I'm in a very rural area and I've had a few family members encourage me to pack up and relocate. I told them that I love the rural life and the home I live in. Looks as if I will be forced to confront my addictions in the same settings I have lived in for many years.
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Old 02-14-2018, 06:16 PM
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It sounds like AA worked well for you in the past, and that looks like a great place to start. Going to the docs is also a good option to get on medications if they see fit. Lots of threads on those medications to search on this forum as well.
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Old 02-14-2018, 06:55 PM
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Glad your here & posting DS. Know that your not alone & have an abundance of support here.
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Old 02-14-2018, 09:18 PM
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I'm so sorry that happened to you. That's a lot to process and it will take time to heal from that. Its no comparison really but before me, my husband had a long time girlfriend who cheated and he was the last to find out, I don't know that he ever completely got over it. There's this little part of him that still grapples with it.

Drinking over it will not allow you to work through this, and moving forward with your life will require you to deal with it. Work on sobriety. One thing sobriety does well is take the focus off other people and direct it right to you. Sobriety took so much inner work I was able to let people just do their thing without my interference, which ended up being better for them too.
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Old 02-14-2018, 11:40 PM
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I was single when I got sober. No woman I her right mind would have anything to do with me in the last part of my drinking. I know the grief of an unexpected break up, bereavement in my case, so I can empathise with your plight. I have worked with others in similar situations, and been able to observe the sequence of events. Quite a lesson to be learned.

I picked up a sponsee, about two years sober. Had been attending what was an AA meeting in name only, never worked the steps. He was a well though of guy, but had an ego the size of a house. We commenced some step work and he baulked at step 4. Hardly a surprise, it had been left too long.

In the course of our relationship I went to dinner at his place and met his lovely wife and son. It was evident in the course of the evening that my man was not easy to live with. I left the area, and he stayed on the wrong side of the steps.

Another year passed, then his wife left him, taking their son. I don't know if another man was involved, but I don't think so. The primary reason for leaving was that living with him had become so unbearable. If there was another man I don't think she would have been interested if our man had recovered in the AA sense. There would have been no reason for her to leave. He may have felt grievously wronged, but he had a part in it.

Next he drinks, returning to the old solution not having found the new one. Much to his dismay he finds it impossible to stop, though he makes several attempts to get back into AA. He was one of those who could not "keep coming back" and is proof that you can't always get back.

I won't tell you what happened next except to say he has been in hospital a very long time and may not recover from the event.

For alcoholics like me and my man above, attending AA meetings is far from what is actually needed to recover from alcoholism. We both drank because we are alcoholics, but the people close to us leave because they can't live with untreated alcoholism which manifests whether we are drunk or sober.

In order to recover, there was no alternative to working all 12 steps, not just attending meetings.
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Old 02-15-2018, 12:43 AM
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Sorry you're going through such a tough time.

It sounds like AA worked while you worked it. Why not go back to what you know worked before, but with a resolve to keeping it going this time.

Getting to meetings and spending time working on your 12-step work (both with a sponsor and doibg your daiky work on your own) has got to beat how things are at the moment.

BB
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Old 02-15-2018, 03:49 AM
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Great advice here.

I can only add that I am sorry you are going through this, and that I think its always good to explore all options with your doctor.

I have taken Antabuse and know others that have. It helps take drinking off the table at the beginning, which is helpful, but eventually you have to stop taking it. But as long as you are using it as a first step in a long term plan, and think you need it at the beginning, then better that than what you are doing now (as we all did). But if you don't need the crutch ....

With respect to Naltaxtrone, IMO it is misdiagnosed as an aide to stopping drinking. It was intended as a means to moderate drinking by taking it before you drink, which can have serious side effects if you read Htown's posts. Overtime some people lose the overall desire to drink, but that is the exception. But if you take it every day, it stops your dopamine receptors from firing, and who needs that!

Not medical advice, just my experience, talk to your doctor, but I hope you find a way to stop the cycle. It only gets harder, trust me. As BB said, stop digging that hole.

If it were me, I would look at this as an opportunity to become the man you want to be. Use it as a wake up call. Be someone your Ex would want to be with so the next Mrs will have the best you.

Sounds a bit flowery, but just saying....
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Old 02-15-2018, 02:58 PM
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How's it going today, DeepSouth?
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Old 02-15-2018, 04:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Hevyn View Post
How's it going today, DeepSouth?
It's been a hard day. My wife whom I am separated from publically announced on social media that she is in a relationship with the guy she left me for. I already knew about him and what was going on but it seems this was a deliberate move on her part to hurt me further. It's difficult to understand how someone you love so much can so quickly become your enemy/adversary in the event of a divorce/separation.
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Old 02-15-2018, 04:22 PM
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Dropsie, thanks for your insights into the use of these drugs used to treat problem drinkers. I plan to be totally honest with the Doc about my consumption and ask what he considers the best course of action.
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Old 02-15-2018, 04:32 PM
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Stay off social media. never allow anyone to hurt you and if reading on social media hurts, drop it.
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Old 02-15-2018, 05:55 PM
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Originally Posted by DeepSouth101 View Post
It's been a hard day. My wife whom I am separated from publically announced on social media that she is in a relationship with the guy she left me for. I already knew about him and what was going on but it seems this was a deliberate move on her part to hurt me further. It's difficult to understand how someone you love so much can so quickly become your enemy/adversary in the event of a divorce/separation.

That's terrible.

But drinking may cause you to call the woman or post something online which you will regret later.

Perhaps think about attending an AA men's meeting.
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Old 02-15-2018, 11:34 PM
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Originally Posted by DeepSouth101 View Post
... but it seems this was a deliberate move on her part to hurt me further. It's difficult to understand how someone you love so much can so quickly become your enemy/adversary in the event of a divorce/separation.
There is a piece in the AA book about that:

" Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making."

Of course, none of us find it easy to come to terms with this.
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