Stayingsassy

It whispered. I was doing a long arduous task I used to do while drinking; deep cleaning a kid’s room because we bought her a new bed.

That’s sneaky. Somehow, getting in by way of chores, outings, holidays and seasons isn’t working, there are no cracks there.

So it throws out New Orleans. I visited the city last year as a bucket list item, my husband and I had an uncomplicated and very fun time. My addiction has an absolute ball with that trip. Thing is, I loved the city for what it was, of course the drinking was a major force as I was actively drinking and I am an alcoholic; but we did tours, we ate epic food, we listened to inspired music and walked the streets. So much of that trip was not about drinking, yet the beast in my brain wants to go there, it thinks it has a way in via that trip. It’s a shame how drinking cheapens things, makes really wonderful venues and places and activities into something that’s just about drinking.

So New Orleans pops in from time to time, it’s a “hey you could drink there,” or “you could *only* drink there, or “you could drink on vacation...”.

Guess what’s next if I let it do this? If I say yes to it’s requests? Here’s a hypothetical thought process: Hm, when could I do another trip again? Maybe just drinking during trips? Maybe drinking during trips and holidays? What about summer? I could drink during summer, and Christmas. I could just drink at Christmas and vacations. It’s Christmas time now. How about today? And BAM sobriety is over.

Watch your thoughts. Every relapse starts with a thought process. I am hyper aware of thoughts like these. When they come in I do NOT ignore them, more like “whoa..what the hell was that?? Why is that thought coming in? Address HALT, address your state of being, stay with that thought and get on top of it, and get rid of it.

I am not drinking, and I will not drink, no matter what. That doesn’t mean I shrug off a dangerous thought. I do have them, and they have to be dealt with.

Done4today

Thanks for the reminder. Don't let your guard down. That AV is in the shadows doing push ups. It's looking to comeback bigger, stronger, faster.

PeacefulWater12

Thanks for this helpful reminder.

calvinm16

Yep that's your "Alcoholic Voice" aka AV talking to you. I'm pretty new to recovery, 118 days since my last drink. I only recently discovered what "AV" meant and I'm now able to differentiate the logical part of my mind and the AV. My AV likes to literally tell me to drink pretty much any time I feel joy, pleasure or anxiety, sadness.. Alcohol "medicated" my psychological issues temporarily until it became a problem and actually started amplifying them. Anxiety, depression and overall just quality of life went down the drain once I started drinking alcohol on a daily basis.

Thanks for posting this, I'm not happy someone else is experiencing the same torturous and monotonous thoughts but it is comforting knowing I'm not the only one.

P.S I was thinking today would be a good day to grab a 6 pack of budweiser because it's a blizzard here and I have the next couple days off work. It was a pretty heavy voice in my head saying to do it. I was able to grab a pepsi instead.

waynetheking

Bury the AV. It's a lying sack of Sh!T...

Stayingsassy

Ever vigilant. I’m at about 82 days. The voice is loud lately. I’m concerned enough that I’m considering stepping up my game, both in traditional and non traditional ways. Drinking is never an option.

Thanks for your input.

biminiblue

Sassy, just really great job.

I would also add that that Fear you are having about having the thoughts is also AV.

Any thought that is counter to you being blissfully happy and at peace in your life is AV. Not just about sobriety, but about all things.

Fusion

This was my experience. Once accepted, it was a life changer.

JeffreyAK

Exactly. A relapse isn't an accident, it doesn't jump out at us from behind a bush and force a drink down our throats, it starts with thoughts long before we actually drink, and if we pay attention to our thoughts and state of mind we can stop the progression when it's still easy to stop.

laur24

Just this morning I was thinking about old friends that used to take care of me when I got really wasted. I was thinking, "hmmm maybe if I get in touch with them again, I can drink like before."

Yeah, no. My alcoholic voice is ridiculously stupid.

DarklingSong

Thank you for this thread......so helpful. My AV is doing the "just on Christmas day" thing. This bargaining and whining has been going on for 2 months off and on. I haven't managed to completely disengage from it but knowing what it is does help. I had hoped that at 6 months sober this would be a bit easier but I guess I'm making it harder for myself because I entertain the thoughts at times. I need to find a way to stop doing that....

Doug39

For decades I associated vacations with drinking. OK I lied. I found a reason to drink in every situation.

Stayingsassy

I wouldn’t call it fear yet, but it is starting to build my anxiety that the thoughts are rolling in like that.

I need to normalize it. It’s just that there was very little AV and now there is a lot.

I think it’s because I’m gaining time in sobriety that I haven’t really had in a non pregnant state. Outside of pregnancy 4 months was my max.

3 months is a lot for me and it was also prime time relapse time in the past, it doesnt have to be that way now of course, but my addicted brain thinks it’s probably time to drink, now.

Stayingsassy

Yeah vacations were totally about justified drinking. Which I did because it’s drinking that “normies” do, then I went ahead and did a ton of drinking on any day that no normal drinker would ever think to do, and each kind of drinking can’t be separated, reasoned out, or moderated. It’s all in or all out.

Stayingsassy

Oh, Christmas. A day of presents, cookies, bright lights and Santa Claus, why have alcoholics claimed you??? Even old Christmas movies all allude to the Christmas alcoholic.

It’s “reframe Christmas” time, now. Christmas has changed for us, and not for the worse either, it’s just different.