Lpg

Morning guys

The last few days my mind has went into overdrive thinking about all the terrible things iv possibly done (I say possibly as half of the things I don't remember and what I don't know my mind makes up) previously with drinking, I keep thinking about mistakes iv made and it's so loud in my mind like flashbacks of the person I had become when I drank. I really want to make a fresh start as a sober person but it's making me feel vulnerable, I feel like something is going to come back and bite me in the ass and ruin my plan in soberity.

I know I'm totally over thinking and this is my chance to change things and I never have to make any mistakes again but I can't help feeling like my sober person can't handle the fact im so vulnerable, I had a very tough fake exterior when I was drinking and acted as though i don't care but this was a lie to my true person. Maybe it's because I'm starting to find out who I really am and understand myself better.

It's also making the AV scream I'm my head, even to the point of telling me to drink secretly so my fake tough person will cope with anything that life throws my way, but that is so contradictory to think this way as more mistakes will happen.

Sorry on abit of a ramble this morning but I had to put it out. Thanks lpg

Dropsie

That sounds so hard.

I am sorry you are going through this.

We have all been there. Each of us has a lot of shame around our behaviour when drunk. There is a saying that the only way out is through, with which I totally agree, but equally there is no point looking backwards when you are trying to go forward.

My humble advice is to really try and move past your shame over the past and embrace the idea of a sober future.

Easier said than done I know. But drinking is NEVER the answer for us.

For me, the change was when I realised that no matter how bad it had been, or would be in the future, I was addicted to alcohol and simply could not drink, not one sip, ever.

When I fully and emotionally accepted that, it clicked and I knew what I had to do.

Not drink. Ever, no matter what, and to never change my mind.

eve123

I can feel exactly like that. I am currently working my way through the 12 steps and I believe step 4 and 5 gives some closure. I could torture myself with waves of guilt and shame cos of re playing my bahviour in drink. But I think in a refer to change we must see that this is the grip our alcoholism has trying to take us back down to that first drink. For me now I am working hard on letting it all go. And the fact that if I remain sober then I will not do those things again. I do did feel v v vunrable because I could hide in alcohol and my thoughts would become angry or hard. Because for me I found it easier to be angry and resentful than to feel vunrable. The steps of Aa give me the ability to let go and to feel safer in a vunrable place and as recovery progresses I think we feel less so and the memories of bad behaviour gets less and less. Do t listen to AV it’s a liar and you know this

ScottFromWI

Talking about it can help for certain, I deal with this issue too. Have you ever researched or practiced the concept of mindfulness and/or meditation? It is one of the tools I've learned to use to combat my anxiety and circular thinking/dwelling/worry. Basically it helps center you the NOW and realized that the past and the future are something you cannot ( and never will be able to ) change. It allows you to focus your energy on being productive and present, and to let the bad/negative/unhelpful thoughts flow by.

NYCDoglvr

The AV will seek out multiple excuses for you to drink. Keep the focus on TODAY.....not picking up a drink one day at a time.

waynetheking

It's typical at 4 or 5 weeks of sobriety to want a drink to fix things. The problem is, nothing is broken. Your fine. The disease is telling you, hey, it's time for a drink now. It's been to long. You need me. I can help. Actually, WRONG. You don't need a drink. Your healing from the poison you've been ingesting. This is were alcoholism kills. If buy into the fallacy of thinking that drinking will make things better then your never going to quit. You have to see thru this. And 5 weeks is prime territory for the illusion of this way of thinking to creep back in. Don't buy it. I've mentioned before in other threads and I'll say to you here, you have to give sobriety some time. It will stick, but it's difficult early on. Alcoholism is tricky. It's devious. It's a piece of work. And it wants to kill you. Don't let the AV sway you. It's nothing but a joke. Just stay the course and you'll be fine. The main thing is you don't drink.

Lpg

Morning guys thanks for the reply it helps to know I'm not alone in this thinking. Wayne that makes perfect sense and deep down in my heart I know a drink will not help anything and your right.... There is nothing wrong, Infact everything in my home life right now is pretty sweet. That's why I think these thoughts are making an appearance though I'm not used to feeling so comfortable, I'm constantly on the lookout for the next bad thing to happen, the day that will never come. It's all part of my anxiety but I'm understanding that and learning new ways of managing it. Life is never going to be easy nobodys is, and I'm realising picking up a bottle is not the answer to anything it's the plot twist that takes my life further into despair.

Yesterday was so hard, I went to my sister in laws yesterday and she offered me a glass of prosecco, I politely declined but inside my body went on fire and my mind ran wild at the thought I could just have one....but I never! Small victories, one small victory at a time but I will keep going. Came home and read chapters from the big book last night to keep my head right.

Thanks everyone
Lpg