Be wary of terminal uniqueness
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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Be wary of terminal uniqueness
Lots of folks around here blaming their alcoholism on problems, issues, psychological conditions, special circumstances...
Lovies, you don’t drink because of your problems. You drink because of your addiction.
Everyone has problems. Some have problems much, much worse than yours. Your problems do not entitle you to drink. Your problems are not “so bad that you need to drink.”
You need to drink because you’re addicted to alcohol. Keep it simple. Clear your addiction. Stop drinking and order your entire life around the number one priority: no drinking.
Let the dust settle around you after that. What are your problems after six months of sobriety? Address your problems after getting sober.
Just a thought. Stay sober, all.
Lovies, you don’t drink because of your problems. You drink because of your addiction.
Everyone has problems. Some have problems much, much worse than yours. Your problems do not entitle you to drink. Your problems are not “so bad that you need to drink.”
You need to drink because you’re addicted to alcohol. Keep it simple. Clear your addiction. Stop drinking and order your entire life around the number one priority: no drinking.
Let the dust settle around you after that. What are your problems after six months of sobriety? Address your problems after getting sober.
Just a thought. Stay sober, all.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 323
Originally Posted by columbus 
My fiance died, for no apparent reason, back in July.
I re-started drinking.
Heavily.
Then realized I was using her death as an excuse to drink,
which felt pretty shameful, disrespectful.
Evil, in fact.
I re-started drinking.
Heavily.
Then realized I was using her death as an excuse to drink,
which felt pretty shameful, disrespectful.
Evil, in fact.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Stayingsassy, wise words indeed, I wish I’d followed that rationale many years earlier....instead of trying to ‘fix’ the problems and ‘underlying reasons’ why I drank, first.....which led to many more years enslaved to addiction.
Once I separated out the drinking issue, from the underlying issues as it were, and quit drinking, Eureka, I was able to investigate ways to fix the other issues. To be honest, drinking was causing many of my issues and once I quit, many dissipated.
Once I separated out the drinking issue, from the underlying issues as it were, and quit drinking, Eureka, I was able to investigate ways to fix the other issues. To be honest, drinking was causing many of my issues and once I quit, many dissipated.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
after i quit drinking i realized i was always going to have problems. drinking or not i was always going to have problems. quiting drinking did not solve them. But when i quit drinking I was able to solve more of them.
My overall quality of life is far better as well.
but drinking because you got problems if it where a good reason to drink the entire population would be alcoholics.
I will say life does get a bit intense at times. It sure can be hard to cope but it should not be hard to cope ever waking min of the day. Or only hard to cope after 5pm so you crack a beer etc... It shouldnt and doesnt need to be that way.
Coping skills work better then 12 ounce curls. There better for you too.
I had an extreme situation for me tho recently. I had to get a tooth pulled i was terrified. they gave me valium to calm me down and get me in there. (given my history and my addicts absolute LOVE of valium i was concerned) they only have me 10mg tho wich for me is childs play. I was great ful to have it tho it made it a easier to get in there but after all was said and done I still had a freakish panic attack in the car while on valium!!.
My point is there is a time and a place for some kinda substance to help someone but even then its not always a solution.
so problems will always be there you dont need drinking to be one of them however.
My overall quality of life is far better as well.
but drinking because you got problems if it where a good reason to drink the entire population would be alcoholics.
I will say life does get a bit intense at times. It sure can be hard to cope but it should not be hard to cope ever waking min of the day. Or only hard to cope after 5pm so you crack a beer etc... It shouldnt and doesnt need to be that way.
Coping skills work better then 12 ounce curls. There better for you too.
I had an extreme situation for me tho recently. I had to get a tooth pulled i was terrified. they gave me valium to calm me down and get me in there. (given my history and my addicts absolute LOVE of valium i was concerned) they only have me 10mg tho wich for me is childs play. I was great ful to have it tho it made it a easier to get in there but after all was said and done I still had a freakish panic attack in the car while on valium!!.
My point is there is a time and a place for some kinda substance to help someone but even then its not always a solution.
so problems will always be there you dont need drinking to be one of them however.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,246
Originally Posted by Stayingsassy
Lots of folks around here blaming their alcoholism on problems, issues, psychological conditions, special circumstances...
Lovies, you don’t drink because of your problems. You drink because of your addiction.
Everyone has problems. Some have problems much, much worse than yours. Your problems do not entitle you to drink. Your problems are not “so bad that you need to drink.”
You need to drink because you’re addicted to alcohol. Keep it simple. Clear your addiction. Stop drinking and order your entire life around the number one priority: no drinking.
Let the dust settle around you after that. What are your problems after six months of sobriety? Address your problems after getting sober.
Just a thought. Stay sober, all.
Lovies, you don’t drink because of your problems. You drink because of your addiction.
Everyone has problems. Some have problems much, much worse than yours. Your problems do not entitle you to drink. Your problems are not “so bad that you need to drink.”
You need to drink because you’re addicted to alcohol. Keep it simple. Clear your addiction. Stop drinking and order your entire life around the number one priority: no drinking.
Let the dust settle around you after that. What are your problems after six months of sobriety? Address your problems after getting sober.
Just a thought. Stay sober, all.
Agree 100%!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by columbus
My fiance died, for no apparent reason, back in July.
I re-started drinking.
Heavily.
Then realized I was using her death as an excuse to drink,
which felt pretty shameful, disrespectful.
Evil, in fact.
I re-started drinking.
Heavily.
Then realized I was using her death as an excuse to drink,
which felt pretty shameful, disrespectful.
Evil, in fact.
I can’t say I wouldn’t drink to dull the pain of that. I might. But I would only hope I’d be as accountable for it.
I am so sorry for your devastating loss.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manchester, UK
Posts: 1,111
Sorry to hear that Columbus. Please don't beat yourself up too much.
What a realisation though...however difficult my life got it was never a justification for the damage I was doing to myself. And that was the realisation...I had a drink problem. Whatever other problems I thought I had, I had to address the drinking first. For me too...my justifications and my reaction to life started to feel dishonest.
P
What a realisation though...however difficult my life got it was never a justification for the damage I was doing to myself. And that was the realisation...I had a drink problem. Whatever other problems I thought I had, I had to address the drinking first. For me too...my justifications and my reaction to life started to feel dishonest.
P
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Mississauga, ON
Posts: 979
Thanks for this Sassy. It's a really clear way of reminding us that all too often we put the blame on anything EXCEPT the addiction. As if solving our problems will allow us to drink 'normally' again, because then we wouldn't have 'reasons' to drink.
I've used that reasoning in the past, many a times. Funny how many of my problems went away or became somewhat manageable when I took away the booze.
I've used that reasoning in the past, many a times. Funny how many of my problems went away or became somewhat manageable when I took away the booze.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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I also think that trying to solve problems while drinking does nothing if your problems are caused by or related to the drinking.
I’m a few months in and I’m still basically just beginning to get a glimmer of what I screwed up while drinking, and what was screwed up anyway despite the drinking. It’s going to take me a long time to sort it all out and it isn’t going to be easy.
I know I sound like a know it all, when I actually don’t know much at all, but I believe this about drinking, and the more reading I do around here the more relapse stories I read that go like this: “my work stressed me out, my spouse stressed me out, I was lonely, I haven’t fixed my childhood trauma, I am depressed, I am anxious, I am grieving....”. “.....I can’t quit until I fix x y or z....”. It’s inconceivable to me how anyone could fix anything while regularly downing huge amounts of alcohol.
Doesn’t it take sobriety to even begin to fix anything? Without even mentioning the chaotic, overemotional, delusional and depressive thinking how do you even fix anything without simply having a clear head?
I thought I had a clear head in between binges. Now I see it will take a year or more to really clear the wreckage. This is a statement about me as well.
I do feel for all of you who return to drinking. I know what kind of days and nights are in store for you when you relapse. You are me. I just think if you’re going to do it, be as brutally honest with yourself as you can or it’s just going to keep happening.
I’m a few months in and I’m still basically just beginning to get a glimmer of what I screwed up while drinking, and what was screwed up anyway despite the drinking. It’s going to take me a long time to sort it all out and it isn’t going to be easy.
I know I sound like a know it all, when I actually don’t know much at all, but I believe this about drinking, and the more reading I do around here the more relapse stories I read that go like this: “my work stressed me out, my spouse stressed me out, I was lonely, I haven’t fixed my childhood trauma, I am depressed, I am anxious, I am grieving....”. “.....I can’t quit until I fix x y or z....”. It’s inconceivable to me how anyone could fix anything while regularly downing huge amounts of alcohol.
Doesn’t it take sobriety to even begin to fix anything? Without even mentioning the chaotic, overemotional, delusional and depressive thinking how do you even fix anything without simply having a clear head?
I thought I had a clear head in between binges. Now I see it will take a year or more to really clear the wreckage. This is a statement about me as well.
I do feel for all of you who return to drinking. I know what kind of days and nights are in store for you when you relapse. You are me. I just think if you’re going to do it, be as brutally honest with yourself as you can or it’s just going to keep happening.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
What I do know is any problem -- no matter how terrible -- would be made much, much worse if I pick up a drink.
No Dogma Please
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Whats behind the drinking? Trauma, psychiatric conditions?
These things are revealed when you get sober. Dealing with them helps keep us sober. Drinking numbs pain and fear, which you're left with when you remove the alcohol.
No wonder people relapse.
These things are revealed when you get sober. Dealing with them helps keep us sober. Drinking numbs pain and fear, which you're left with when you remove the alcohol.
No wonder people relapse.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
After four months I went (accompanied by another recovering alcoholic) to a business Christmas party held in a bar. I stayed a few minutes because the smell of wine made me want to drink. Went to the shrink and told him this story, his response was: "we should explore why you wanted to drink". My response: "I wanted to drink because I'm an alcoholic!"
This is why I wanted to drink: because my cat died, I feel good, it's Tuesday, my hair is a mess, new boyfriend, etc.etc.etc. I drank a magnum of wine every day for no other reason than I'm an alcoholic.
This is why I wanted to drink: because my cat died, I feel good, it's Tuesday, my hair is a mess, new boyfriend, etc.etc.etc. I drank a magnum of wine every day for no other reason than I'm an alcoholic.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,095
My wife is still an active alcoholic. She is full of excuses why she "needs" a drink.
If she has a bad day at work - she needs a drink. If she has a good day at work she needs a drink to celebrate.
One time last summer it was a beautiful day and we were driving home and she said "stop at the store so I can get beer - it is such a nice day I want to drink". I asked that if it were cold and raining would she still drink?
That didn't go over to well.
I try to tell her millions of people struggle with problems and don't drink. Millions of people can celebrate good times and not drink.
Excuses excuses. The real reason is that we are alcoholics.
If she has a bad day at work - she needs a drink. If she has a good day at work she needs a drink to celebrate.
One time last summer it was a beautiful day and we were driving home and she said "stop at the store so I can get beer - it is such a nice day I want to drink". I asked that if it were cold and raining would she still drink?
That didn't go over to well.
I try to tell her millions of people struggle with problems and don't drink. Millions of people can celebrate good times and not drink.
Excuses excuses. The real reason is that we are alcoholics.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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Originally Posted by Doug39
My wife is still an active alcoholic. She is full of excuses why she "needs" a drink.
If she has a bad day at work - she needs a drink. If she has a good day at work she needs a drink to celebrate.
One time last summer it was a beautiful day and we were driving home and she said "stop at the store so I can get beer - it is such a nice day I want to drink". I asked that if it were cold and raining would she still drink?
That didn't go over to well.
I try to tell her millions of people struggle with problems and don't drink. Millions of people can celebrate good times and not drink.
Excuses excuses. The real reason is that we are alcoholics.
If she has a bad day at work - she needs a drink. If she has a good day at work she needs a drink to celebrate.
One time last summer it was a beautiful day and we were driving home and she said "stop at the store so I can get beer - it is such a nice day I want to drink". I asked that if it were cold and raining would she still drink?
That didn't go over to well.
I try to tell her millions of people struggle with problems and don't drink. Millions of people can celebrate good times and not drink.
Excuses excuses. The real reason is that we are alcoholics.
It’s very hard to get out of an alcohol prison. You’ve got to want it. It has to get bad. What consequence is bad enough for each person will vary....honestly for me it was humiliation and relationships...for someone else it might be missing work or other important events, health, a dui...it has to be a kind of personal darkness that makes it bad enough. It seems to be different for everyone and for some, there is no consequence bad enough to quit drinking.
Unfortunately I know what it means to have to enable someone. Your wife’s work is important so I’d bet you enable her in some ways to protect her job. Maybe not. My husband enabled me for years so that I’d never get a dui, which would end my professional license. His enabling for my drinking became automatic for him.
If the enabling was no longer done, I’ll bet those alcoholic bottoms would come sooner.
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