Bob4x4

Am i the only person who thinks they might be addicted to feeling lousy? self sabotage etc.

things are going great, all i have to do is eat breakfast and exercise a bit but instead, waste a whole sunny day inside smoking and drinking coffee, obsessing in the past, and daydreaming about the future, never taking action beyond taking courses, classes, reading. In my 50s like many other people i have Self-re-invention fatigue... and want to just crawl into a hole and hibernate, but the other part wants to excell, engage, and experience all the good stuff of life.

Part of being depressed, part of being a victim of childhood abuse, part of being / feeling isolated... meh, could just be November blues?

ScottFromWI

It could be just the blues, but self pity/self sabotage/depression is a real thing too. Have you ever discussed it with a counselor by chance?

Wholesome

I know exactly how you feel Bob. I've got the November blues too. I'm having to force myself to keep going through the motions right now. I was out last night and had a fun night seeing some jazz musicians. Today the sadness has me again..... Sun is out and I think it would do me good to get out for a walk with my headphones in pumping some house music.

I think labeling the feelings and accepting that we are going to go through highs and lows in life is important. Trusting that it will pass and better days will come, until then just keep on keeping on......

Thinking about hitting up a Refuge Recovery meeting tonight just for the human connection of being around other people who get it.

neferkamichael

Bob4x4, I am a professional self-saboteur, can related to what you've posted. These kinda problems are proving to be harder to change than giving up the booze and drugs. Rootin for ya.

Awake61

I completely relate to this post. So helps to read other's feelings.

Bob4x4

been doing talk therapy for 14 years, can i get my money back?

some of it was health care covered, some of it was $$$ mucho dolleros. Maybe some of it helped but recovering from childhood abuse, thought patterns developed from observed experienced traumas before i could even walk, jezzz that may take electroshock therapy to erase.



there is no smiley for Electroshock therapy.




.

ScottFromWI

I've spent a fair amount of time and $$ on it myself, and I'd agree that some of it did not seem to be all that productive.

Having said that, one thing I did realize along the way is that I don't have to just accept my issues as fate. There are things I was able to do ( both on my own and with help ) to improve my situation. And I also found that just like my addiction, there is no "magic bullet" that cured my other issues ( anxiety in my case ). So long story short, i bet you could pull a few things from here and there that would help if you added them all together.

MindfulMan

Sounds like crappy therapist. I've had those. You spin your wheels after a while. If it's no longer working, leave.

I got one as a last step towards sobriety and it's helped immensely. He goes backwards. We identify current thoughts and behaviors and go back to the cause, whenever it was, sometimes early childhood. It's called a narrative. The point is not to dwell on the memories, but to find behaviors that work better.

It's very fourth step. I don't call them personality defects, I call them scripts that no longer work. It attacks the underlying causes of depression and anxiety that formerly led to drinking/using.

Aside from being good he has four great attributes for me:

He's male. I've only done therapy with women before, and have done a lot of successful work with mother issues. Now it's time to work on Dad, who was horribly verbally abusive.

He's done 12 Step recovery and has been a sponsor (sex addiction mostly, but that was all tied to drinking and drugging). He's also done a lot of works with addict/alcoholics as a therapist.

He's gay, and gets the guilt and shame that went along with that, particularly with a shaming homophobic father.

He takes insurance.

Fusion

Bob, I certainly have an inner self-saboteur. It ran amok for a couple of decades as I drank that part of my life away. Now? I treat it the same as my Beast's (neuronal loop desire for drink) and its mouthpiece, the AV. I recognise it and ignore it.

tomsteve

in that time, how much of it were you sober? did you inform the therapist of your drinking?

Doug39

Wow - I could have posted this - right down to the fact that I am 54, going to school and reinventing myself and not being too hopefully or determined (or motivated).

I am tired of the constant struggle of trying to get ahead and doing the right thing; for so many decades I was drunk and on auto pilot drifting through life.

It can get scary now that I am sober and awake.

soberinct

Yes sometimes I feel like I'm addicted to self sabotage. I wish I had some advice for you but I'm still struggling with this myself. Just wanted to say that I identify with this.

Bob4x4

Thanks soberinct, Doug39, Tasty, Mindfulman, Awake61, zenchaser, neferkamichael - awsome to feel connected to others who can relate on a personal level. when people chime in with their personal experience from personal knowledge as in group therapy, i find it's much more a learning experience , better personal connection IMO.

today i did 'some' ... "some" self sabotage . . . but i also did close to 2 hours of walking in the woods and talked to some people with off leash dogs, LOL. no i didn't call the cops on them today, that was yesterday. shhhh don't tell them.. one of these felony offenders was kind enough to tell me about snowshoeing in the park this winter hmmm. v interesting. that may actually be more fun than x-country skiing in the park. hmmm ... (I'm still going to call the cops when i get home. j/k ( bylaw officer))

tomorrow i hope to do less self sabotage and as always Zero Glug Glug Glug.

but i tellz ya - there is nothing like sun and fresh air to change a crappy mood.

Nature is the planets best therapist. Oprah and Dr Phil can jump in the lake, after they give out the new cars and gift bags.

Retail therapy is the 2nd best therapist (Oprah proved this fact didn't she?)

some tool box items i used today, discipline, ignoring the crap thoughts, forcing myself to get out, use audible cues to limit procrastination, having a plan to follow . . . and using this forum to post.

yeah i allowed myself to get sidetracked from the plan but i got back on it and i had dinner with a friend and watched a movie about John Coltrane for a very civilized evening. sanz booze.

i may cancel that electroshock therapy session after all..... ....... ......... ........

corriec

Hi, Bob. The thing that scares me - for your sake - is that these "issues" you have might be opening the door (even if it is just a crack in the beginning), for the old AV. Your personal problems might be another way for that Slimey-slithering great seducer to try to get to you. Not saying it is so; just saying - Be careful friend.
And have a great, sober and care-free weekend.

SnazzyDresser

There was definitely a perverse part of me that got something it wanted out of my degenerate drinking and the havoc it brought, no doubt about it.

FBL

I always feel better after a nice long walk. Helps get me out of my own head.

Bob4x4

Ha Ha Ha Ha !!!!! yes of course, hee hee...

well it's a bit late now , in my 50s. the self sabotage didn't start yesterday, it started probably before i even turned 10, and i've made it this far in life. As Tom Waits described someone as running like a car with a broken cam shaft, LOL. speeding up and slowing down, speeding up and slowing down.

yes , good description.

shortstop81

This post could've been written about me.

On one hand I'm ambitious and an over-achiever, but there's another side to me that gets a thrill out of 'rebelling' and sabotaging my own efforts. What was ridiculous was that I was only rebelling against myself and my own best interests.

Anyways, nowadays I seem to enjoy the feeling of doing the next right thing. Maybe it will become addicting.