Crushed
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Crushed
Hi. I posted this on one of my previous threads but I don't see it as having popped up, so I thought I'd reach out on another (this) thread for advice. I'm one week in and was feeling great this morning. I really was. For some reason, though, all of these intense thoughts came bubbling up today about my dad (who died from an incredibly long and difficult illness about 2 years ago). We could not have been closer. He was the best. Truly. The pain literally took my breath away, as if it happened yesterday. I'm crying now just writing about it (I was barely able to hold it in while writing my last post). There is nothing I'd want more than to go home and numb myself with alcohol. Nothing. I know I'm supposed to watch out for HALTS (so, I guess the S for sad would apply to me here). But what do you do when you're so sad that you don't even care about falling off the wagon? Seriously, what do you do? This is my first time feeling this way while sober and I feel like I've been punched and by not letting me buy a bottle of wine, I'm not able to take a breath.
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Location: Caledon, ON
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Originally Posted by Sohard 
Hi. I posted this on one of my previous threads but I don't see it as having popped up, so I thought I'd reach out on another (this) thread for advice. I'm one week in and was feeling great this morning. I really was. For some reason, though, all of these intense thoughts came bubbling up today about my dad (who died from an incredibly long and difficult illness about 2 years ago). We could not have been closer. He was the best. Truly. The pain literally took my breath away, as if it happened yesterday. I'm crying now just writing about it (I was barely able to hold it in while writing my last post). There is nothing I'd want more than to go home and numb myself with alcohol. Nothing. I know I'm supposed to watch out for HALTS (so, I guess the S for sad would apply to me here). But what do you do when you're so sad that you don't even care about falling off the wagon? Seriously, what do you do? This is my first time feeling this way while sober and I feel like I've been punched and by not letting me buy a bottle of wine, I'm not able to take a breath.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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Hugs to you. If you lived nearby I’d take you out for coffee and you could just talk for an hour. I know you’re not comfortable with AA really yet or maybe not at all...but they do welcome people trying to quit drinking who need to share how hard it is to be sober on a tough day.
Just do the best you can do. I’ve been wobbly and tired in my thinking also and I’m just trying to breathe today. Breathe with me? We can make it. Your dad would be proud of you for tackling something so hard.
Just do the best you can do. I’ve been wobbly and tired in my thinking also and I’m just trying to breathe today. Breathe with me? We can make it. Your dad would be proud of you for tackling something so hard.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
I'm sorry you're feeling so much sadness, and pain.
I don't know about you but I drink to NOT feel anything. When my husband died I was so caught up in my addiction, trying to quit, relapsing, yadda yadda, that I don't believe I ever properly grieved. And really this holds true with most painful, and even happy, experiences in my life. I. don't. like. feelings. Any feelings. So when I get sober, especially after a few months, I start to feel. OMG. And the feelings are big and unexpected. It hurts and its scary. Even the good feelings scare me.
I know that I have to learn to feel. To sit with my feelings and know, for sure, they will pass and change. To know they cannot hurt me, they are just feelings. Its all in how I react to them. And I don't have to feel them alone. I can share what I'm feeling (as you have here), I can speak with a good friend, I can go to a meeting. But I don't have to drink. Drinking will only delay the pain again and replace it with a different pain.
Hang in there. Don't drink, no matter what.
I don't know about you but I drink to NOT feel anything. When my husband died I was so caught up in my addiction, trying to quit, relapsing, yadda yadda, that I don't believe I ever properly grieved. And really this holds true with most painful, and even happy, experiences in my life. I. don't. like. feelings. Any feelings. So when I get sober, especially after a few months, I start to feel. OMG. And the feelings are big and unexpected. It hurts and its scary. Even the good feelings scare me.
I know that I have to learn to feel. To sit with my feelings and know, for sure, they will pass and change. To know they cannot hurt me, they are just feelings. Its all in how I react to them. And I don't have to feel them alone. I can share what I'm feeling (as you have here), I can speak with a good friend, I can go to a meeting. But I don't have to drink. Drinking will only delay the pain again and replace it with a different pain.
Hang in there. Don't drink, no matter what.
O-n K-a-r A-r-r-e-s-t
Join Date: May 2016
Location: US
Posts: 600
I'm so sorry about your dad. 
When I am drinking and get to thinking about sad things, I think I cry twice as hard, feel it twice as much. And then when I get sober, feel guilty and sadder still that I let myself go down that road. If you can get through this ... I guess right now you would have to do it one minute at a time... I think you would feel stronger that you did not drink. And the next time you would have this time to reflect back on and know that you can get through it without drinking.
Sending good vibes to you
When I am drinking and get to thinking about sad things, I think I cry twice as hard, feel it twice as much. And then when I get sober, feel guilty and sadder still that I let myself go down that road. If you can get through this ... I guess right now you would have to do it one minute at a time... I think you would feel stronger that you did not drink. And the next time you would have this time to reflect back on and know that you can get through it without drinking.
Sending good vibes to you
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 446
Sohard, so sorry to hear about your dad! But as you think of him, what do you believe he’d rather see: A daughter that gets ruined by alcohol or a daughter that is trying to build a happy and fulfilled life? My guess is that he’d be very sad to see you touch the bottle. Sending you hugs!
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Originally Posted by rmeatgt350
Yes, that is a hard one. Depression is something I deal with so crushing sadness in early sobriety is something I've experienced. Just try to remember drinking WILL NOT make it better, it will just make it go away for now, then you'll have to deal with it combined with the disappointment of having drank. Try to catch your breath and go for a walk, run, something. Do not drink, please.
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Originally Posted by Mac4711
Sohard, so sorry to hear about your dad! But as you think of him, what do you believe he’d rather see: A daughter that gets ruined by alcohol or a daughter that is trying to build a happy and fulfilled life? My guess is that he’d be very sad to see you touch the bottle. Sending you hugs!
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Originally Posted by SoulShine8
I'm so sorry about your dad.
When I am drinking and get to thinking about sad things, I think I cry twice as hard, feel it twice as much. And then when I get sober, feel guilty and sadder still that I let myself go down that road. If you can get through this ... I guess right now you would have to do it one minute at a time... I think you would feel stronger that you did not drink. And the next time you would have this time to reflect back on and know that you can get through it without drinking.
Sending good vibes to you
When I am drinking and get to thinking about sad things, I think I cry twice as hard, feel it twice as much. And then when I get sober, feel guilty and sadder still that I let myself go down that road. If you can get through this ... I guess right now you would have to do it one minute at a time... I think you would feel stronger that you did not drink. And the next time you would have this time to reflect back on and know that you can get through it without drinking.
Sending good vibes to you
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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Originally Posted by rmeatgt350
Yes, that is a hard one. Depression is something I deal with so crushing sadness in early sobriety is something I've experienced. Just try to remember drinking WILL NOT make it better, it will just make it go away for now, then you'll have to deal with it combined with the disappointment of having drank. Try to catch your breath and go for a walk, run, something. Do not drink, please.
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Originally Posted by Stayingsassy
Hugs to you. If you lived nearby I’d take you out for coffee and you could just talk for an hour. I know you’re not comfortable with AA really yet or maybe not at all...but they do welcome people trying to quit drinking who need to share how hard it is to be sober on a tough day.
Just do the best you can do. I’ve been wobbly and tired in my thinking also and I’m just trying to breathe today. Breathe with me? We can make it. Your dad would be proud of you for tackling something so hard.
Just do the best you can do. I’ve been wobbly and tired in my thinking also and I’m just trying to breathe today. Breathe with me? We can make it. Your dad would be proud of you for tackling something so hard.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA
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What to do? Ride it out. The feelings will pass. You'll feel much worse if you cave in to drinking.
So sorry for your loss. I lost my own Dad nearly 3 years ago. He was my hero and I still miss him to this day. The pain will lessen and you'll be left with all of the wonderful memories.
So sorry for your loss. I lost my own Dad nearly 3 years ago. He was my hero and I still miss him to this day. The pain will lessen and you'll be left with all of the wonderful memories.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
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Originally Posted by Sohard
But what do you do when you're so sad that you don't even care about falling off the wagon? Seriously, what do you do?
Drinking because you are sad is not normal, except for alcoholics. It's your addiction. It knows your triggers and is leveraging your sadness to get you to drink. Tell it no. Embrace the sadness, for within it are the memories of your dad.
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Originally Posted by Frickaflip233
I'm sorry you're feeling so much sadness, and pain.
I don't know about you but I drink to NOT feel anything. When my husband died I was so caught up in my addiction, trying to quit, relapsing, yadda yadda, that I don't believe I ever properly grieved. And really this holds true with most painful, and even happy, experiences in my life. I. don't. like. feelings. Any feelings. So when I get sober, especially after a few months, I start to feel. OMG. And the feelings are big and unexpected. It hurts and its scary. Even the good feelings scare me.
I know that I have to learn to feel. To sit with my feelings and know, for sure, they will pass and change. To know they cannot hurt me, they are just feelings. Its all in how I react to them. And I don't have to feel them alone. I can share what I'm feeling (as you have here), I can speak with a good friend, I can go to a meeting. But I don't have to drink. Drinking will only delay the pain again and replace it with a different pain.
Hang in there. Don't drink, no matter what.
I don't know about you but I drink to NOT feel anything. When my husband died I was so caught up in my addiction, trying to quit, relapsing, yadda yadda, that I don't believe I ever properly grieved. And really this holds true with most painful, and even happy, experiences in my life. I. don't. like. feelings. Any feelings. So when I get sober, especially after a few months, I start to feel. OMG. And the feelings are big and unexpected. It hurts and its scary. Even the good feelings scare me.
I know that I have to learn to feel. To sit with my feelings and know, for sure, they will pass and change. To know they cannot hurt me, they are just feelings. Its all in how I react to them. And I don't have to feel them alone. I can share what I'm feeling (as you have here), I can speak with a good friend, I can go to a meeting. But I don't have to drink. Drinking will only delay the pain again and replace it with a different pain.
Hang in there. Don't drink, no matter what.
O-n K-a-r A-r-r-e-s-t
Join Date: May 2016
Location: US
Posts: 600
Originally Posted by Sohard
I'm just freaking sick of having to try so hard. It's exhausting.
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Originally Posted by FormerBeerLover
What to do? Ride it out. The feelings will pass. You'll feel much worse if you cave in to drinking.
So sorry for your loss. I lost my own Dad nearly 3 years ago. He was my hero and I still miss him to this day. The pain will lessen and you'll be left with all of the wonderful memories.
So sorry for your loss. I lost my own Dad nearly 3 years ago. He was my hero and I still miss him to this day. The pain will lessen and you'll be left with all of the wonderful memories.
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Originally Posted by doggonecarl
Learning to cope with sadness (or any strong emotion) without alcohol is a vital part of one's recovery. You lost you dad. You should be sad. Sad is normal. Crushing sadness is normal.
Drinking because you are sad is not normal, except for alcoholics. It's your addiction. It knows your triggers and is leveraging your sadness to get you to drink. Tell it no. Embrace the sadness, for within it are the memories of your dad.
Drinking because you are sad is not normal, except for alcoholics. It's your addiction. It knows your triggers and is leveraging your sadness to get you to drink. Tell it no. Embrace the sadness, for within it are the memories of your dad.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 1,276
I have to just ride it out. It’s challenging for me because I’m impatient so I always want a quick fix to my problems or whatever. The good news is I’m getting better with practice. Getting sober and going to therapy has really helped!
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