Pathwaytofree

I feel so stupid and silly posting this.

I struggle a lot with hobbies. When I was younger, I used to get really anxious trying something new. The anxiety would make it impossible for me to focus on what I was doing, because immediately the tapes in my head that I would fail at it would play. I'd then get frustrated at the first sign of a mistake, feel badly about myself, and give up. I'd never stick with anything. I think my mom thought I was angry but it was really just frustration at myself.

I never seemed to learn how to start slow, process, make a mistake, process the mistake, try again, go forward, improve, etc. For me it was all or nothing. I expected perfection immediately or else I'd give up. If I couldn't figure something out, the frustration would hit hard immediately.

It's so shameful talking about this. I never even told a therapist this because I don't think I was able to see it.

I'd often as an adult try things a few times, feel horrible about myself, and then give up. I'd expect myself to learn every single thing there was about the hobby immediately, get overwhelmed, anxious, and throw in the towel. Or, I'd buy all the tools or equipment for something, and at the slightest bit of uncomfortability, I'd give up. Even if I was enjoying it. Or I'd buy all the tools and be too scared to even start.

What is wrong with me???

How do I break this???

The other issue with hobbies that I think I've overcomed by now, is that my rageaholic mother was so extremely controlling, that I couldn't pick up a hobby unless she approved of it. I will say that if it was a hobby she approved of, there were many times she was supportive of it. But if it was something she didn't want me to do, it was horrible. I have let that go as an adult and do what I want, but the thing is I don't try things or stick with things. Or maybe subconsciously I am listening to the old tapes that tell me I can't do anything right, I shouldn't be doing this and such hobby, etc. I don't know.

I'm not getting any younger and I want to enjoy life and stop feeling so purposeless. It's really true how much alcoholism is related to feeling purposeless. I know hobbies would be good for me to get out of my thinking mind. Plus I want to make stuff to be useful for others. But I'm not a crafty or artistic person in the least. I wish I was. I admire those of you who are artistic and crafty.

doggonecarl

I'm sure there are examples of you learning something new, overcoming mistakes, dealing with imperfection.

Do you drive? Cook? Work?

then learning something new was part of it. You can do the same with a hobby.

Volunteering is an option if you want purpose and aren't arts and crafty.

2ndhandrose

I understand this, Pathway, it is something I struggle with, the perfectionism.

I feel like I must have an instant and complete understanding of anything I am learning. I did not have a controlling parent so I am not sure where it comes from for me. Maybe it is just part of the general inner dialogue that says I am not worthwhile?

I am still a work in progress, but, from my own experience, I know that trying to appear perfect at everything is exhausting.

SnazzyDresser

I've been putting together jigsaw puzzles since I've been sober. Takes exactly zero skill, all you have to do is try a little and you can't help but put one together if you don't quit. I think it's helped my sobriety quite a bit, in fact. Slows my mind down, occupies time, etc. It's fun seeing the picture come together from nothing to something, like our lives do once we quit drinking!

Berrybean

I suspect that continuing to be self-aware will see you in good stead as you go forward. As you said, before you couldn't see that was what was happening. Now you know that t's fear of failing that is hoding you back, hopefully you can lean into that fear.

This is the sort of thing that comes up in AA discussions and is pretty common - the old 'not-enoughness' strikes again!!

I also try to remember how I view others, in particular my friends who I love and value. Do I care if they get something wrong? Of course not. Funnily enough the people that drive me most potty are other perfectionists who get a bee in their bonnets about getting everything right - and yet, I'm always in some way striving to be just that person haha. Not so much nowadays though. That old perfectionism or give-up-altogether attitude spoiled plenty of things for me along the way.

I use a humility prayer daily - It helps me to keep perspective and recognise any areas that may be niggling me under the surface. (If one of the words irritates me, or makes me angry or defensive I can usually figure out why and start working a bit harder on that area to regain perspective), and ask God / my higher power to help me let these things go.

Humility Prayer.

God. I pray for your helping in detaching from the desire of being:
admired,
loved,
praised,
favoured,
accepted,
consulted,
well known,
and honoured.

I pray for your help in detaching from the fear of being:
Criticised,
ridiculed,
humiliated,
falsely accused,
persecuted,
disbelieved,
despised,
and forgotten.

Please grant me the grace to desire that others may be :
Admired more than I,
praised when I am unnoticed,
chosen though I may be set aside,
preferred to me,
and increase in prominence though I remain hidden.

Although others will do what they want, I pray that you will use me for your will.
I pray that I will pause, and while I pause help me to remember to pray for guidance and grant me the humility to find willingness and discard willfulness.

What are you thinking of trying??

BB

FoleyUK

I would say whatever you want to try, make a schedule. Allocate a certain amount of time each day to what it is your working on and once you've done it, tick it off and write down how you feel about what you have done. The next day do the same thing and then see how you did the day before. With some time and effort you should start to see some progress. Even if you only manage 10-15mins a day that is 10-15 mins a day you have spent focusing on your objective. If on one day all you have done is being frustrated, come the next day you may have learnt something from it and start to progress a little bit. Journal what you are doing so you can see how far you are going and what you are learning.

It's important to remember, there is no perfection, only progress. Nothing can be perfect in life because everything is subjective. Just take the baby steps.

I've been battling with my fitness for a year now and it's only in the last 4-5 weeks that I can see how far I have come. It's very empowering to me, because I'm starting to look and feel like the person I thought I could never be. I can't stress enough how journaling and reading over my thoughts and struggles has helped me grow and see patterns in my behaviour that drag me down.

FBL

Hobbies should be fun, not something that causes anxiety and dread. The key is finding one that works for you. I've found that regular exercise helps clear my mind. Daily walking is not something I used to think of as a "hobby", but it's now one of my favorite ones and it's good for me too!

shortstop81

I can relate to your situation - I'm also one of those people that needs to know EVERYTHING about whatever it is I'm pursuing, and sometimes that causes anxiety. But in your case it sounds like it's holding you back, and like others have said, hobbies are supposed to be enjoyed rather than dreaded. It sounds like you have some ideas of the root causes of this anxiety.

Are you choosing activities that you're genuinely interested in? Do they all have to be complex, or require a steep learning curve? Like someone else mentioned, there are simple past times out there that don't require any level of skill.

To curb my own anxiety, I've learned how to enjoy the process of learning and look as it less as a destination I must reach as quickly as possible. Over the past few years I've taken up road cycling, and there's a surprising amount of knowledge to learn, and not just the physical conditioning. I'm still far from proficient in either, but I'm going easy on myself and acknowledging that this is a lifelong sport, not something I can just pick-up casually. I'm not winning Tour de France any time soon, haha.

Changing one's mindset is easier said than done of course. What is it you'd really like to do? What do you enjoy? What's on your bucket list?

zjw

I can relate. One time someone gave me a model boat. I coudlnt get the cannons on right i got so mad i took a hammer and smashed it to a zillion pieces. (and yes it felt awesome ). I also had these parents that where controling and rageaholic youc ould say. every hobby or activity had to be approved by them. There where lots of things I didnt wanna do that i had to do. Things i wanted to do i as not allowed to do.

Then I had other pressures like was I going to be made fun of and picked on for my hobby etc.. Was I going to be terrible at it ? etc.. manythings went by the wayside as a result.

When I got sober i started picking up hobbies as a way to take my mind off drinking and to pass the time and keep me from being so restless. Luckily i was older I didnt have to deal with my parents over it. But i did still take flack from my wife. I'd be told it was stupid or i'd get laughed at by her. I just pushed forward and did it anyway.

I guess I new i wouldnt be good at something right off the bat. usually rather then quiting (nothing) I go even more all in and start to obsess untill i get it. This is great in the end sure but that obesssion is not a very enjoyable feeling to me. So i'm very careful or well try to be careful how far i get into it and sometimes will just cut things off so i dont obess.

I'd say get into something lower your expectations do it to pass some time and leave it at that and see where it takes you. But at the same time be careful.

I know for me picking up a new hobby is not a simple decision at all. One of the latest ones I picked up was I started playing the bagpipes over a year ago. It took great consideration before i started. I new it would be a big commitment and time consuming. I wanted to really think it over. Now i'm all in and very happy with it.

Pathwaytofree

Good points, although driving I didn't do well with until I moved out. It's a long story but let's just say it's nearly impossible to learn how to drive with a rageaholic mother.

Cooking I tend to give up on too easily and run out of patience with if something doesn't turn out good. It's as if the negative tapes ruin my focus.

Work yes I've worked many jobs since high school. Again if my anxiety and "tapes" didn't get in the way, I was ok.

Thank you I recently had some volunteering ideas that I'd like to pursue.

Pathwaytofree

Yup that's what it's like for me. I'm sure it's inner dialogue and in my case "old tapes" put there by people who were not well.

Oh my gosh yes it is. Utterly draining.

Pathwaytofree

I love this idea! It's very mindful. :-)

Pathwaytofree

This continued gift of self awareness has been amazing. It's all stuff I can use to continue to grow. What do you mean by "lean into that fear"?

Yes it's so true. Yet so many of us hide behind the facade of "look at me, I'm worthy!"

Thanks BB. This is a great prayer. I'm adding it to my 12-step prayer book.

I saw something on facebook of people knitting stuff for the less fortunate. I really want to try it but it's terrifying.

Pathwaytofree

Woah. Foley this was exactly what I needed to learn that people do. I LOVE this idea. Putting structure to a new hobby and seeing the step by step progress. It reminds me of a scene in the movie Footloose. The idea to start and stop at a set time, try again the next day, see the progress is just very eye opening for me. I love the idea of journaling, too. Wow every parent should teach their kids this skill. I really appreciate your spelling it out like this for me. :-)

Just last night I told one of my sponsees that growth is not a straight line. It is sometimes three steps forward and one step back. She's a perfectionist too and gets so hard on herself. Doing step work in AA was the first time I allowed myself to make those baby steps, make mistakes, learn, grow, etc. I didn't think to apply it to hobbies, too.

I feel your pain. I'm the type when I go to the gym, and when I watch my form in the mirror, my mind is absolutely flooded with stuff like "you're so fat, you're so out of shape, how could you let yourself go like this, look how weak you are, you can barely do a set of bicep curls now, it's gonna take you forever to get back into shape." Then instead of enjoying the workout session and feeling like I've accomplished something, I am practically suicidal on the car ride home. This is the first time I've actually been able to "say" this so thanks for that gift of self awareness. Next step is to figure out how to break this sh*t. Was it like this for you? Did the negative thoughts get in the way of your progress or journaling? How did you keep things progressing forward?

Pathwaytofree

Thanks it helps to know I'm not alone here. I'm eager to hear how you all broke this pattern.

Yes I am generally interested in them. No they don't all have to be complex. It's that I don't give myself a chance to grow on the learning curve, steep or not.

I really like that way of looking at it. I dread the process of learning so this would be an interesting paradigm shift for me. When you took up road cycling, how did you give yourself patience and time to learn stuff in baby steps? How did you not let the negative tapes make you anxious that you were going to make a mistake and fail at it?

My past therapist once asked me to write a list. It was scary to actually let myself write it. I don't think we got further than writing a list because something else came up and we never got back to it. Now I must do this. I've wasted too much time. I don't have a bucket list but I will sit down and write a list again. It's scary to allow myself the permission to even write a list. Maybe that's a post for ACOA.

Pathwaytofree

Oh my gosh I got goosebumps reading this. Yes. That's exactly it.

Yeah I had that too. My sister used to make fun of me a lot yet other times she tried to be supportive. It was very confusing. So many things went by the wayside for me, too.

Good for you for ignoring the flack from your wife and pushing forward! So you don't still hear your parents' tapes in your head or subconsciously act the same way with hobbies that you did back then?

I've obsessed about stuff too. It's like one extreme or the other but usually the extreme of trying just a little tiny bit, feeling like a failure and giving up.

I'll have to figure out how to lower my expectations.

Wow that is beautiful!!! I love music and always wanted to learn how to play an instrument or at least learn more about music. I'm too scared to try anything. I once bought an instrument at a pawn shop with my coworker who bought the same instrument. It was expensive. I failed the first time trying to figure out how to use it, so it sat in my closet for a few years until I finally sold it. I wish I had instead been determined to fight those stupid tapes in my head and push through. You give me hope that it's possible. Someone who relates to a similar childhood and you were able to push through. Keep playing those bagpipes because it's all about being your authentic self in recovery and not letting the bad guys win.

zjw

yeah its confusing. my wife for example makes fun of me. and when i get discouraged and think of quiting she encourages me to keep going. I"m like gee on one hand you tell me i stink and make fun of me and on the other hand you tell me to keep going? ::

I've learned to just tune her out hahaha. shhhh dont tell her hope shes not reading lol.

tomsteve

good on ya for lookin for hobbies!
as far as this:
"What is wrong with me???
How do I break this??? "
just my opinion, but a few things. one could be instant gratification- i want it done and i want it done now AND perfect!!
also expectations, which ya mentioned
" I'd expect myself to learn every single thing there was about the hobby immediately..."
could be low self esteem,too caused by
"my rageaholic mother was so extremely controlling, that I couldn't pick up a hobby unless she approved of it. I will say that if it was a hobby she approved of, there were many times she was supportive of it. But if it was something she didn't want me to do, it was horrible. "

you mention
" I have let that go as an adult and do what I want.."
could there possibly be some of what your mother did is still there?

anyways, when i got sober i got into woodworking, particularly scrollsaw fretwork. it was extremely frustrating. i saw so many pictures online of this beautiful fretwork people had done.
me? i made fancy( and some of it rather pricey) kindling. i couldnt cut a straight line. i couldnt even cut a crooked line!LOLO but i got into the habit of practicing for short periods of time. when i would start getting frustrated, i walked away and came back later.
eventually with practice i got gooder at it. eventually made this:

[IMG][/IMG]

as i practiced i got more confidence,building this last winter

[IMG][/IMG]

a few things i learned over the years:
-i kik my own ass harder than anyone else. i have to accept im human and will make mistakes. mistakes made help me learn.
and anyone that doesnt like how or what i do can bugger off.
- i will never be perfect at anything. even today, all im doing is practicing a hobby. every piece i have ever made has a mistake in it. i can go look at something i made 5 years ago i know i made mistakes on and can guarantee i wont find or remember what the mistake was.
- i found it to be similar to walking. i wasnt born and one day just jumped onto me feet and was walkin. i had to start by gettin to my hands and knees and just rockin. then one day i started crawling. then one day i pulled myself up on a chair. then i took a step.
and fell. but i got back up and did it again. then another step. and another.
i fell quite often practicing and learning how to walk.
at least thats what ive been told- my memory aint THAT good. LOLOLO
and even today i dont have it down pat- i can trip and fall rather gracefully sometimes. sometimes not very gracefully!

today, i just practice my hobbies. sometimes i have to walk away.
ive been working on a corner computer desk lately. its not 1st one ive constructed.
and ive had to walk away occasionally.
because im just practicing.

tomsteve

crap, dont know what happened to the images.

SoberCAH

This is a magnificent prayer.

Did you write it yourself?

I need to add it to my repertoire.