shortstop81

I don't really remember what I did to specifically address my anxiety....I do know that I easily become overwhelmed with information sometimes. Any time I'd learn about some small aspect of cycling, it'd be like going down the rabbit hole in terms of more & more questions.

So what I began to do was just take in information in small doses. I wanted to learn how to adjust a front derailleur? Ok, first things first, I'm going to watch a few Youtube videos on how they work. The next day, I might watch some on how to actually make the adjustment. The next day, I might actually try it on my own bike, etc. And when (inevitably) I'd screw up the first time, I'd try not to beat myself up and chalk it up to learning by trial & error.

The negative tapes are always there, playing in the background of my mind. I'm an anxious person, who always second guesses things. But I tend to ignore them these days, and over time they've become quieter and easier to ignore. My hobby certainly isn't life or death, so I forgive myself when I make mistakes along the way. Like when I tried to adjust a hydraulic disc brake and leaked fluid all over the driveway, rendering it useless, LOL. AH WELL...

Stayingsassy

Fixing bikes? Awesome. Would love to know how to do that.

Path, Google "Kaia fit." It may not be in your area, but there are similar fitness programs.

Fitness is a great way to go, because not only do you meet healthy people but you get the endorphins too. Unfortunately it didn't keep me from drinking (just another example that outward stuff doesn't fix inward stuff). But moving forward, can't wait to never miss a class due to a hangover.

Also: planting seeds in soil and watching those delicate seedlings come up feels like magic to me, like the very definition of magic. A little gardening, whether in a home, on a patio or in the yard, is meditative, non challenging and comforting.

Pathwaytofree

People have odd defense mechanisms. I'm glad you just put what she says to side, and follow your passion!! Maybe part of her needs to put you down so she could bring herself up for not following her own passions. But her authentic self really wants to support you with your passion, so she's able to do that, too.

Aren't people complicated? ;-)

Tune out the negative and focus on the positive. Sounds like healthy mental health to me!!! We humans are all flawed trying the best we can to manage in this world. I'm sure your wife loves you and wants you to be happy. Maybe she's a little envious. Maybe there's something she wishes she had the guts to try.

It reminds me of the quote, not sure if I remember it right--something like, "What would you do if you knew you would not fail?"

Pathwaytofree

Thanks Tomsteve!! I remember the beautiful photo of the clock you made someone on SR. I've always admired wood work.

Oh wow lightbulb moment!! Yup I've been one for instant gratification since I was little. I'd fail the marshmellow test big time. I could never seem to wait my turn for anything. I was an impatient little kid. I guess I was an alcoholic in the making...........

I could never just enjoy the process.

I must've been fun to sponsor..........

My mother was an extremely impatient anxious woman. Did not make for a good mother..... I guess I put her expectations on myself.

Yup I've had low self esteem for a long time but the 12 step work helped with that.
Unfortunately yes. She still has power over me and my thoughts. I wish I knew how to get rid of that once and for all. I think there's a mantra or something I should be saying in there.....
Wow! Seriously! I thought you had a knack for this sort of thing and were just good at it. It really helps to read how you started out. What kept you from giving up? How did you discipline yourself to practice for short periods of time, and be patient with yourself as you improved? I can't see the image but I remember the one of the clock and it was stunning.

as i practiced i got more confidence,building this last winter

I know with my head that I kick my ass harder than anyone else (well except for my mother but she's sick). I don't know how to reach it to my heart. Then again I think I know the spiritual solution for that.

I love this "Mistakes made help me learn". I seriously never got this lesson ever until amends/living amends/step 10 & 11.

This is so helpful, too. I know from my step work that only God is perfect and He expects us to be perfectly imperfect because we are human. We need to love ourselves, flaws and all. I used to be a PITA when I'd go buy something because if it had a flaw, it would bug me and I would buy it. Now, I sort of seek flaws because of the reminder that imperfections are beautiful.

That's a great way of viewing it, too! Just like us when we came into AA crawling on our hands and knees and eventually we started to walk again and grow. Baby steps.

LOL isn't it beautiful when we can finally laugh at ourselves?? Newbies have told me that's one of their favorite things about my shares.

This all just makes me wonder, were we all asleep while other children learned this stuff? Lol. I certainly don't remember learning it! I used to get so frustrated with stuff when I was little and have little temper tantrums. I never walked away quietly. Eek as an adult too sometimes.... lol. Thank God for recovery!!!

Thank you Tomsteve!!!!

tomsteve

ok, idk how to multiquote, but here it goes.
"This all just makes me wonder, were we all asleep while other children learned this stuff? "
good question! for myself, i know for a fact it was because i wouldnt listen to suggestions or instructions even back when i was a youngen. i already either knew it all or knew a better way back then even!!!!LOLOL


"What kept you from giving up?"
seeing the results others had and knowing it was just a matter of learning.


" How did you discipline yourself to practice for short periods of time, and be patient with yourself as you improved?"
THAT was a learning process in itself. i had to start paying attention to what was going on internally. i sure didnt do good at paying attention early on- id stop and walk away........to throw a chunk of wood across the yard!
because i wasnt paying attention to what was going on internally.
i learned a valuable lesson:
i used to me a rageaholic. i didnt just automatically end up in a rage- it was a process. start with a little frustration, then a lot of frustration, then anger, then blow up fit of rage.
the sooner i catch it the easier it is to fix,so i learnedmthe signs of frustration- usually starts with me trying to work a little harder thinkin thats going to make things go smoother.
so i was takin a break about every 3 minutes. LOLOLO
then it got up to 6, then 15..... eventually i got the hang of it and could scroll for a couple hours at a time and truly and honestly be serene and peaceful scrolling.

Berrybean

No. I heard the monks use it in the form of a litany in a service at Clare Priory when I was there for a Serenity Weekend (AA), and it stuck with me, so I found it online and simplified it for my own daily use. It really does help me.

Glad you found it useful as well.
BB x

MindfulMan

The 12 step work you're doing sounds great. Keep it up!

Another take is the cognitive approach. We sabotage ourselves with distorted, negative thinking that simply isn't true....but we've thought that way for so long that we just assume it must be true. Also many of these negative thoughts are so part of our makeup that they occur unconsciously. Negative thoughts can also be a huge depression and anxiety trigger! Negative thoughts lead to negative feelings. Realistic thoughts allow us to solve problems.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and work starts looking at our thoughts, evaluating them to see if they are rational, and then replacing them with more realistic ones.

Negative thoughts:

I made a mistake, I'll never be good at this.
If I'm not perfect, this is a waste of time.
The fact that I'm not picking this up quickly shows I'm not good at anything.
This is a stupid hobby (directly from MOM!)
The teacher saw the mistake, he knows I'm an incompetent idiot.

etc etc etc.

All of these thoughts, if you look at them, are irrational and distorted. Replacing them with more realistic ones can help get you unstuck.

I made a mistake, and corrected it. This is how we learn and improve.
I'm supposed to be having fun with this, perfection is not the point.
I've just started doing this. Olympic athletes don't just wake up and win gold medals. Why should I expect myself to do so?
This isn't stupid, I really like doing this, and others may also find it interesting.
I'm glad the teacher is here to help me identify ways in which I can do things better.

It may seem silly and obvious, but trust me, it works. Best with a therapist or a group, but you can totally do this on your own as well. It helps to write the negative thought and it's positive replacement down, as the more you do this exercise the more you will not go down the road of distorted thoughts holding you back.

Here's a link. See if any of this resonates.

https://psychcentral.com/lib/15-comm...e-distortions/

FoleyUK

I did have a lot of negative thoughts but over time I just pushed through them. I can't explain it anymore really, I just forced myself to carry on. I didn't in the beginning, but over time it got a little easier. Some days I would nearly be in tears, other days my anxiety would be suffocating, but by just forcing myself to do the task I had set myself I slowly started to get self confidence. The brain doesn't want you to change. The current state you are in is a safe zone for your brain. So anything different is like a threat to its safety. All you're doing is trying to reprogram yourself so you can be a better you. Don't let your brain hold you back.

Your body shape, form is never going to be perfect. Again, progress, not perfection. Everybody who looks good or has good form all started somewhere. Just doing that first step is the key thing. I started using the thought process of what is the alternative. I can either try and work out and get frustrated, but have tried something and have a positive in my day or I can just sit down and get stressed over doing nothing and wishing I was. At least by trying I was making the smallest step forward. I literally couldn't do 5 push ups when I started. I felt small, weak, and totally insignificant. I'm now having trouble fitting in a lot of my t-shirts because my chest and arms are getting bigger. We have more bad days than good ones, but by doing a little on the bad day and battling through, we accomplish a lot.

DayTrader

Quite simply, that is precisely what page 52 in the AA book refers to as untreated alcoholism. Maybe that's what's wrong?

It's precisely why in AA the real deal isn't just putting the bottle down. Just doing that only put me in constant contact with the 100s of reasons I had to drink again.

"We had to find a Power by which we could live." It doesn't say ....find a power by which we could not drink again. For some people, putting down the booze is sufficient. Don't pick up again and straighten your life out. Some of us, myself included, needed more than that. We needed a new outlook, a new life, and a new source of power other than ourselves. ....and we needed it in almost every area of our lives - hence the "practice these principles in all of our affairs" part of the 12th step.

Pathwaytofree

LOL!! You're a gem! I hate to admit it but self awareness and laughing at myself is the ONLY way to grow!! You're right. I was stubborn way back then. Impatient. Didn't (or couldn't?) take the time to listen and follow instructions. Even in the present I can't stand reading an instruction manual, lol. Now give me that darn marshmallow I'm not waiting for the second one, lol.

Seriously, this fascinates me. Why? Because I'd look at everyone else in life succeeding in their hobbies or activities and think that I was just defective and not good at anything. I had no idea it was just a matter of learning. I was never good at learning. I got very easily frustrated or impatient.

But now I know I could do differently. I won't give up. I won't become emotional and shut down. I'll try to actually focus factually on what I'm doing and what I could do differently. I was never able to do that. I recall a friend of mine tried to teach me how to play tennis in college. He suggested I spent an hour a few times a week just hitting the ball against the brick wall at a school. I tried it, but I couldn't get the hang of looking at my technique, seeing what worked and what didn't work, thinking about trying something different, etc. It's really hard to explain. I just couldn't figure out how to learn it.

I think things will now be different because of all of you here taking the time to explain to me how "learning a hobby" actually works. And basically explaining to me how learning works. It wasn't until I got into AA that I learned that you go out in life, make a mistake, learn from it, try better next time/ask your higher power for help, and do different the next day.

This is stuffI should've learned in kindergarten but for whatever reason didn't. Better late than never!!

Woah. This absolutely stopped me in my tracks. I was always way too much in denial and unable to just sit with the feelings of frustration, impatience, the "old tapes" calling me an idiot, a loser, give it up, etc., to be able to stop and pay attention to what was going on internally. It was too painful.

Plus as a kid, I had no idea of how to even try to communicate what was going on internally. If I got frustrated or impatient, that's it, I was "being bad" and got punished, yelled at, or whatever.

If I was ever yelled at for not paying attention, not listening, speaking in a class without raising my hand or something, that's it, it'd all be over.

I didn't know how to take things step by step. I didn't know how to communicate what I was feeling internally. I know now I will be able to. At least I think so! LOL.

Yup that is so me. I once punched my lap top (and broke it) because I was so frustrated that I couldn't figure out how to fix something.

Ouch. This is hard to read. Why? Because this is me. If I was to be truly honest with myself. I think my sponsor tried to help me see this, but I couldn't.

My mother is a rageaholic but her rage doesn't happen when it's involving doing or making stuff or with hobbies. It's when people don't act or do exactly to the letter of what she wants. There was no way I could admit to my rage, because that would mean I was a rageaholic like my mother.

But Tomsteve, given your honesty here, I think I can admit to this sort of rage as much as I didn't want to. But I know the only way out is thru. And I'm not beating myself over it. It's just factual and that's it. I never knew differently. Now you all have showed me another way to be and I will be forever and ever grateful to you all. In fact maybe I'll even go to a hobby store this weekend and start a new hobby I was thinking about doing.

Wow!! Again I am speechless.
How did you learn this? Your sponsor? A therapist? Just figured it out?
If someone had taught me this stuff in elementary school my life would have been completely different..........

I am definitely going to do this.

I can't thank you all enough for "parenting" me here with how to go about learning new hobbies and spelling out exactly what to do. You all seriously rock!!!

Leeloo

Wow, a lot of great insights here!

I also have a problem sticking to hobbies because I feel like I'm not advancing quickly enough. I blame all those movie montages that taught me you can get really good at something if you practice hard enough... for like 2 minutes

I've started and stopped and started playing the Ukulele, I have periods of drawing several times a week followed by weeks without, I've learned crocheting on youtube and have made a few things but have 10 unfinished projects and tons of yarn in the top of my closet. I've started a blog, but my posts take a lot of research so I'll dive into one for two weeks, do all the research, bang out 5000 words and then nothing for 2 months... and let's not even talk about the gym...

I bought a mindfulness colouring book a while ago and I think I need to get that back out of the bookshelf, the one I have is all Buddhist imagery, mandalas, lotus flowers, Buddhas etc., but there are many other different themes. I feel like when I'm colouring there's no competing with myself, or perfecting the art, or competing against other people who are better, because.. well, it's colouring

Also, I can really zone out for an hour or two when I colour and still feels like I'm doing something creative... and I can have a nice cup of tea with it

tomsteve

it was my sponsor.
i was wrkin on my car one day and things werent going my way, another reason i get frustrated.
started getting pretty po'ed,threw a wrench across the shop, and said,"f it. im headin over to my sponsors."
told him what was up, all the while he was just smilin.,then said," you learned the 3rd step as simple as can be- f it. you turned it over."
then hadda cood conversation about anger.
also about perfectionism.

Pathwaytofree

Hahahahahahaha!!! Tomsteve that is great. I am writing this into my big book!!! I'll get to chuckle every time we read Step 3 now.

I don't work on cars but I've done stuff like this too. I've thrown embroidery across the room and had little fits of frustration.

Pathwaytofree

I know, right? :-) This thread was extremely helpful!!
(Hey tea friend I am sipping tea as I type!)

LOL I get it!! Have you ever watched the home network channel where they make complicated sh*t look like a 3 year old could do it?

This sounds just like me. I start and stop things constantly. I thought I had ADD or something but I don't think I do. I just could never learn how to start and progress with something. I needed every step spelled out for me in baby steps or else I'd get frustrated and couldn't figure stuff out on my own.

This I have done! :-) But I drove myself crazy learning how to color. Yes, it is possible. I was completely overwhelmed by the amount of coloring books, coloring tools, and possible colors to use. I was in awe that some people would just pick up a color and color. How'd they know which one to use? I thought I needed to learn about color theory. I thought I had to be artistic. Ugh. I can laugh at it now but it is so crazy to think about. Sometimes, though, when I can shut off my brain and just color, it is extremely relaxing for me. It's like meditation.

I really like the description of the coloring book you have. There are too many choices of ones to buy. Can you send me the title? I'd like to get that one. Thanks. :-)

Yes I can too!! We can color and sip tea together in spirit! :-)

Pathwaytofree

So how do you tell the difference between untreated alcoholism and depression?

I absolutely agree. The drink was a solution to our underlying problem.

YES I think Joe H has said that, it's a beautiful thing to realize.

I wish I was one of those where alcohol was my problem, and not my solution to my problem.

But I still don't understand if my problem is untreated alcoholism or depression.

Yup I'm from the school of thought that we did two different types of AA. AA-1 for the ones who can successfully not drink and go to meetings, and AA-2 for those of us who die from that kind of program because we need a spiritual solution.

YES!!!!! I don't understand why 99% of the time I hear people talk about the 12th step, they focus solely on carrying the message. People seem to not understand, learn, live, and teach the second part of Step 12. The 12 steps shouldn't be compartmentalized. They should be how we LIVE. How are we practicing the principles of love, tolerance, patience, honesty, unselfishness, and helping others--non alcoholics too--in every aspect of our life. Maybe you can start a thread in Step 12 and share on what that looks like? I bet that would help a lot of people. You carry a great message.

Pathwaytofree

This was very enlightening. I was never really able to force myself to carry on like this but I will try.

"The brain doesn't want you to change"-I never heard this before but it certainly feels that way.

Reprogramming is so hard.

"Don't let your brain hold you back" - that's great. I seriously never saw it all as a cognitive/brain thing. Thank you so much!

It's like I get into this mindset of there are only two possibilities here, perfection or failure. It's nuts. Then I get mad at myself when I feel like a failure, storm out of the gym, and throw in the towel.

This is what I have to remember. Everyone started somewhere. If I could just let myself do things in progressive baby steps like this, it'd be great. I can't seem to shut off the messages in my head, though that I'm weak, a failure, can't do this, etc.

It must feel really good to see the physical transformation. And that you're still sicking with it even though you have more bad days than good (this again I had no idea and needed to hear).

Seriously I bet you're all here being like, "Jeez why do we have to post the obvious to PTF? I feel like I'm talking to a kid." But seriously this stuff is helping me more than I can put into words.

(It still boggles my mind how I didn't give up in AA but I think that was because I knew this was it. Life or death. But if I could get through my step work as honest as I was with myself, maybe I really could do anything.....)

Leeloo

I bought this one in France
https://www.amazon.com/Art-therapie-.../dp/2013968655

Maybe there's an English version you can find? The Amazon prize on this link is ridiculous. In the store I paid like 8€

Pathwaytofree

Thanks for the link, Leeloo!
Wow that is expensive for a coloring book. But you gave me an excellent idea of what kind of book to look for next time I'm at the bookstore. :-)

zjw

"What would you do if you knew you would not fail?"

i love that quote. i talk about that exactly a lot. Not just fear of failing or somethign tho. But for example theres a lot of things i'd like to try or do but becuase of financial reasons i cant and might not ever be able to. It makes me mad I say to my wife ic ould be the next best this or that but i'll never know cause i dont have the means to even think about trying it. OR i have the means but lack the time. 80 years lifetime is an incredibly too short amount of time to possible be able to try all the things i'd like to try and or do all the things i'd like to do.

Now I could get depressed about that and i wont lie sometimes i do. Or i can break down the things i wanna do or try into pieces that are maybe possible for me to do. IE i wanna have a nice farm one day. I cant afford it tho. so whats the next best thing? an obnoxious garden and chickens on my half acre plot lol. along with fruit trees etc... Its not the farm i want but it allows me to get my feet wet and learn something. If i'm able to get a farm one day then I figure i'll already have quite a bit of knowledge under my belt by that time so its not a loss.

I know someone that races cars 70-80 grand on one car!!!! yeah i cant swing that idea lol. But hey I'll try my hand at running and bagpipes lol.

Pathwaytofree

I know what you mean, zjw. That's when I try to be in the moment and just appreciate others who have or do that sort of thing. I'll never play bagpipes like you, but I can watch bagpipe players in a parade and take in the moment. :-)

One of my favorite AA circuit speakers talks about the spiritual world vs the material world and I try to keep that in mind. I can appreciate something pretty at a craft show but I don't have to buy it. Sorta like that. Another quote I like is this: "All that I need is within".