Stayingsassy

Last time I was here I kept talking about how I had it all under control taking several days off each week and "managing it." Well all hell has broken loose. On drinking days I started stringing days and nights into big, excessive benders. I still took days off but the benders got worse and worse. I just spent the last 48 hours completely drunk and by Sunday night I was in a blackout. I texted people important to our family and hurt them, one of them almost resigned a job and everyone is in an uproar, I didn't know today that I had even done that until my family notified me this afternoon. I've never been so embarrassed and confused or in so much hell. My marriage is a shambles and I am so sad. I told him he has the right to leave and no one will be angry or resentful if he does. I feel ready to commit to sobriety and I am sure that if I don't this time, I really will lose everything. It feels like rock bottom. I'm going to go to aa tomorrow (I didn't drink today) and this time, I am working the steps, because I have so many people to make amends to and there is so much acceptance and surrender for sobriety that has to happen or my life is over. I have always just "visited" aa and it's time to participate and just give in. I'm done making excuses. Even if this is a marriage ender, maybe it will save my life.

theVman31

Glad your making the right decisions this time.
Just keep to your plan and keep coming back here too.
Its helped me and so many others.
Time heals all wounds

doggonecarl

Hope this is the start of lifelong sobriety for you.

Dee74

welcome back stayingsassy - I hope this will be a turning point for you

D

Ken33xx

Years ago on a Tuesday night I was drinking by myself after work and having a peaceful evening. Apparently I overdid it because I fell down the subway stairs and ended up in the hospital.

The next morning I went to work all black and blue. My boss wasn't too thrilled and neither were my co-workers. I felt very embarrassed and I was determined to do something about my drinking.

I looked up AA and I planned to go to a meeting that Friday night. Unfortunately, I couldn't find the church where the meeting was held. So that was the end of that. I looked a bit better by Friday and decided to have a couple of quick ones before heading home.

Wasn't until seven years later that I decided again to go looking for AA again. This time I found it.

Best of luck

Stayingsassy

Thanks so much everyone. I've woken up sad but sober and ready to do some work at a meeting.

Stayingsassy

Boy it sure it physically punishing. Goes without saying I know, but not eating and drinking only alcohol for a good 48-72 hours I have evidence of some bleeding, major gi distress, I'm severely dehydrated, I'm worn out, depressed and this morning discovered I've developed gout in my right toe. I obviously missed the gym yesterday out of fear I'll stress my body so much after all that abuse that I will end up in the hospital, im supposed to go today and hope I'll make it this evening. It's going make that toe hurt more, though.

ScottFromWI

I'd suggest seeing a doctor ASAP Stayingsassy. Bleeding and GI distress is really nothing to mess around with. If you truly ready to do anything to get sober, the first thing you need to to is take care of your personal health.

Stayingsassy

I know it can be serious. I'm a medical professional. All the symptoms are waning today (except the gout, ouch) would definitely go in if I was in danger, but thank you for the advice.

ScottFromWI

Safety is always the number one concern. There are a lot of folks here who are medical professionals, also mental health professionals - addiction knows no socioeconomic boundaries.

Just to make sure you are thinking clearly ( remember you just came off a massive binge ) - what would you suggest to a patient under your care if they told you that they drank so much that they were bleeding because of it?

Stayingsassy

The bleeding occurred over the weekend. It has stopped. I started eating again last night without problems. Unfortunately I can only deal with one thing at a time. I promise I'll check back in later. thanks.

ScottFromWI

Glad to hear things are improving - please do spend as much time as you need here - being around others in recovery is one of the most important things you can do, especially early on. You mentioned you were going to an AA meeting too - that sounds like a great idea and hope it goes well.

DarklingSong

Hope you are beginning to feel a bit better?
Support to you.

Stayingsassy

I am. No transportation today, unfortunately but I'm at no risk of drinking. One car at husbands work, one car in the shop, got in the third one to go to aa, battery out, called triple A: battery dead! Four bikes, and only one bike lock, used by another family member today. I know they can send someone to pick me up but I'm not going to drink so I'll wait until I have a car and another day off. Husband is in no mood to help me out, husband is considering whether to leave..... so I am hanging with family, eating, catching up on some work, and feeling physically fine. Super down and sad but strangely relieved.

Danger zone is coming up: probably Thursday or Friday. But this was so bad, so, so bad, really the worst one ever, actually.... I figure the AV will wait it out a little longer until it does its sneak attack, and I need a plan rolling by then.

Steely

Glad you are improving just wanted to say that there will be no "Danger Zone" if you don't drink. You have the power, only you.

Edit: As to your original post I have suffered those same humiliations. I'm now nearly 6 months sober and it is so much better.

ScottFromWI

Don't wait for the danger to hit...be ready. There's lot's of online AA meetings available ( just google "online aa meetings" ) and you could almost assuredly call your local chapter and get a ride to a meeting from someone if you wanted.

You call the shots when it comes to making this happen - instead of finding reasons that you can't do something....find reasons you CAN ;-) And spending plenty of time here on SR can be one of those things...we're here 24/7 365 days a year.

Stayingsassy

Unfortunately I know what happens when I wait for danger to hit, the actions follow thought and it's over. You're right

Hevyn

Glad you are back with a new determination, Stayingsassy. Unfortunately, I crashed & burned in a similar way - after insisting I could use willpower to control how much I drank. It always turned me into a stranger - a reckless & dangerous one. I'm glad we aren't going to risk it any more!

Stayingsassy

Yeah I never imagined I could go "there" in a blackout. What a new low that was, a low unlike any other. The kind where you don't really want to face anyone after you sober up. I always told people that even in a blackout there were still boundaries I'd never cross, but I was wrong. You learn something new each time and none of it is ever good.

Stayingsassy

Day 3 of sobriety. Husband might leave. Said that while he is glad I'm seeking recovery and getting sober, even on days I don't drink I am hard to live with, emotional, jealous, high maintenance, etc. Told him I didn't have anything to add, just yes I'm getting sober.
Wish he understood how much my drinking has impacted my personality. Wish he understood that 3 days off brutal drinking is not a "sober person." But he doesn't know that. It's probably too late, and I suppose I saw it all coming.