Bekind86

Hi all,

I am new to this site. I just found it today and I need someone to talk to. I think I actually need professional help along with anger management. On Sunday night I was drinking with my bf and his friend all having a good time but then he got annoyed with something I said and told me to go inside so they could hang out alone. Sober me wouldn't of cared but drinking me got upset that he said that and I told him I didn't want to. I did end up leaving them alone but that's what started the awkwardness that night. After we ate they wanted to go for a walk and I was upset and excluded again. Again shouldn't of cared but I had two bottles of wine by that point. Which I've never drank that much in one night before. So he doesn't leave and I just went in on him. I blacked out so I don't remember all that happened but he said I grabbed his beck and scratched him which there are scratches on his neck now and I feel disgusted with myself. It's so sad. I also threatened the cops for wheatever reason and screamed at the top of my lungs he said and talked bad about him and his family. I feel horrible and so ashamed and embarrassed. He told me this morning I am no longer good for his life and the fun and happy times he has with me is not worth the abuse I do to him while drinking. He said if I cared enough and he was worth it that I would stop drinking. This has happened in the past before sadly. About a year ago and then a couple times the following year. I don't know why I have built up rage against him and then something triggers and sets me off. We can drink and have great times but 5-10 percent of the time it ends up with me being crazy and not myself. I know I don't deserve him I know I should let him leave me and be happy but I also know I am a good person with a good heart and just don't know why I do these things sometimes. I told him I will go to counseling and will stop drinking for good this time. But I think it's too late at this point for him I don't blame him at all tho. I'm ashamed.

Dee74

Hi and welcome bekind

I grew to hate the person my drinking made me - so I quit drinking - it was hard but that person has not appeared again.

Even if it really is 5-10% of the time, thats 5-10 percent too much to be someone you hate and who hurts the people you love.

Whether or not it's too late for your relationship I can;t say - but you getting sober - because you want to be a better you - is a pretty good motivation to move forward

D

Bekind86

Thank you D. I really do agree with you. I do hate how I can be such a monster and don't even know why o do it. Some days we drink and it's great then some I turn to a monster with a trigger. I can barely even face him the last couple days cuz of the scratches on his neck and the shame that I feel. I don't expect another chance. Everyone has limits and I shouldn't of even gotten this many chances. I just know he loves me so he tries. But it's truly sad that things he says can upset me so much that I lash out. Then black out and cant remember. I do want to quit. I threw away all the alcohol that was for me today and he did see me do it. But I think he may not care at this point. Since he said I'm not good for his life and have had chances. All I want is him to know I love him and to know that isn't the real me. We have been together seven and a half years.

ScottFromWI

Welcome to SR Bekind. Sorry to hear of your troubles, drinking caused them for just about all of us in some form. There's really no telling what you might be able to salvage in your relationship, but if you can make a committment to quit you will at least have a chance. I hope you can join us for support and conversation, congrats on quitting and reaching out for help.

least

I don't know if the relationship can be saved, but I do know that if you get sober for good, these things will never happen again. I hope with our help you can stop drinking.

BlownOne

but I also know I am a good person with a good heart and just don't know why I do these things sometimes.

Do you ever do these things when you're not drinking? It doesn't have anything to do with being a good person or having a good heart. Some of us just can't tolerate alcohol. Bad things happen.

hopeful4

I will post from the other side of the coin. He does not need to hear your words right now, he needs to see you jump into ACTION. Don't just say you will stop drinking and get counseling. Make the appointment, go. Go to meetings, jump into recovery if that's what you truly want. You can do it.

My X husband was this way with me. It made me so hurt and furious b/c he would not remember the next day, but I definitely did. I would have forgiven him in a second if he would have just done what was right and get some help. However, it's actions, not words.

More so, you deserve this for yourself. You are clearly a good person or you would not feel remorse and be here posting about it. You deserve a happy life that is not disrupted in this way.

I wish you all the luck and happiness in your life!

Shitzupuppy

Also from the other side.. a good friend had an ex who was nasty when drunk. He went to rehab several times but couldn't change. She left. He was ruining her life.

So people will try for a while, but ultimately they move on if the pain doesn't stop.
You need to seriously take action instead of pondering the why's and what's.

Gabe1980

Hey Bekind. I can really relate to what you are saying. I can turn into a totally different person when drinking. Not so physical way but I can be mean, disrespectful and inappropriate in what I say and do. What brought me here was an inability to live with it anymore. The shame, guilt and disgust you feel can be in the past if you do decide to take action. It will forever remain in the present if you carry on as you are. I wish you the best in the decisions you have to make and there are lots of good people here to help you. Read everything you can. Gabe x

hearthealth

My husband also was abusive when drunk. I filed for divorce. He has been sober four months. We are working on our relationship. I know if he gets drunk again he will most likely become abusive. He knows if he's drunk again I'm gone.

Poppy79

I could have written your post, that was me down to a tee. Thankfully I stopped drinking with professional help and salvaged my relationship with my man.
I still have no idea why I would turn into a psycho when drunk, but I knew that person was not who I wanted to be as it totally conflicted with my morals and values. Plus, the people I love didn't deserve my wrath.
I think I was angry at myself for having an addiction to such a vile and toxic substance so I took it out on the ones closest to me, myself included. Sort of like self sabotage.
You can stop drinking it is within your grasp. But you need to have plans for when the AV creeps in. I have a conversation with myself about the pros and cons for drinking. The cons are endless while the pros only has 1, the fleeting initial buzz of the first few drinks. Just not worth it.

Bekind86

It's never happened when I've been sober. But it's happened quite a few times over the years when I was drunk. I've stopped before for months at a time. And then I would start again because we were feeling fine. We wold have fun drinking and what not. But then sometimes something triggers me and it will happen again. Like it did Sunday. All was well and then I just ruined it all for nothing because I couldn't handle my emotions

Bekind86

It's really not worth it. And the thing is I know I can stop drinking. I've done it before for six months and then started again cuz I felt fine. I don't know if it's something deeper inside me or if I need anger management to control my issues. I think I do. I just know it's bottled up emotions and when something triggers me then it's down hill. Most times we drink and it's great but it's the never knowing. I thought I was done with this anger because it's been almost a war with no issues. But Sunday was one for the books and worst it's ever been

Poppy79

My experience, these episodes of rage get worse over time. I am a very passionate person, I absolutely hate injustice and people who consciously do the wrong thing by others. This passion would take the form of rage when I didn't have control of my faculties. Common sense, diplomacy and logic goes straight out the window when my mind is altered by alcohol.
At 10 months sober I haven't had an 'episode' of rage filled anger and lashing out because I have a clear head and my sense of reasoning remains intact. But I am still passionate about the same injustices I see and sometimes experience. I just handle it better.
If you go to anger management I would be very interested to know whether it helps? It could be something for me to look into to maintain my sobriety.

Gabe1980

You said that so well Poppy79 I totally agree. It sounds like the times you dont handle your emotions are when you've been drinking so maybe it's the alcohol you don't handle well? The emotional stuff can be worked through sober and if the trigger to unleasing that rage is drinking then take the trigger away. That's what many of us are trying to do too so you'll have plenty company!

Bekind86

Yea Peggy and Gabe I do agree. It is the alcohol that triggers me to begin with and then depending how the night is going if something bad as isn't said or triggers an wmotion I freak out since I'm bottled it up. Sober me would never do anything like this but since I have been drunk a lot and black out some of those time she I don't feel my bf believes me now that I don't want to drink and I want help. I thought I helped myself be and was fine but I didn't and he deserves better. We get along well and have nice times together but I don't speak about emotional things that bother me enough in hopes they go away. But it doesn't solve anything if he says something when I'm drunk I flip out. I don't know what changes is what I want to figure out

Gabe1980

It sounds like you have a good handle on where alcohol can take you and the person you turn into when you are drinking. That's a great start. I spent a few years in counselling for some entrenched emotional problems and self-worth issues that were making me so distressed all the time. Im convinced this not only saved my marriage but also my life and has brought me to a place I can now address my drinking whole heartedly. Concentrate on what you need to get healthy. Words may not be enough for your bf but effort and change will speak volumes. As they say here 'the proof is in the pudding' ie action, action, action.

Bekind86

I agree. I did throw out all the alcohol that I drink and he saw as well as I picked up some books at the library for self help. I'm going to see a counselor tho so I hope he knows I'm trying cuz of course it's isn't free. My mom said I should do AA possibly and that it's free? I didn't know. I do have emotional issues I'm really realizing and don't wana deny anymore. I know words are nothing and actions are everything. ESP for him forgiving me for years I owe it to him and myself to get this figured out. He may not stick around which would hurt. But that's my consequence. I don't want it to happen with anyone else tho. I drink with friends and family often tho and never did have an issue with anyone else.

ScottFromWI

Seeing a counselor sounds like a great idea Bekind. And yes, AA meetings are definitely free, you can probably even find a ride if you need one.

Bekind86

Thank you for the information. I have a car so I'm set there. I'm glad to know they are free. I will have to attend one and get a feel. Do I have to talk? I'm okay with a counselor at this point but don't know about a group speaking