Making right with the past
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
Making right with the past
So I haven't been spending much time on SR lately, I feel like I'm securely abstinent and I don't think about drinking or not drinking all the time anymore. Which is a good thing! It feels natural to be moving on, moving forward with this new sober life.
I do find myself thinking a lot about my past and how my addiction impacted my loved ones. I know AA has the amends step but RR doesn't seem to touch upon making right with the past. Sorry just doesn't seem to cut it. I do my best to do the right things now but I'm haunted by all the things I ****** up with my drinking and I'm deeply ashamed, and I should be, I was wrong and I don't know how to make it right. I did some really ****** things. I've said and done things that I am not proud of. I've let my children down and was def not meeting their needs, I thought I was, but being sober I can see now that I was not. Shame on me for that.
How did you all reconcile with your past? Was it enough to quit drinking and let the present version of you eclipse the old drunk you? I know time helps and that a genuine apology can go a long way........seems kind of feeble though, like taking the easy way out.
Honestly I think most people, even my beautiful children will forgive me, even if they don't forget. It's me who can't forgive. I feel really bad about what I've done and I don't like that I can't do anything about it. I'm really sorry that I was a loser drunk for so many years.
I don't even know why I'm writing this....... I guess because people on here understand. You guys and gals have been here too.
I do find myself thinking a lot about my past and how my addiction impacted my loved ones. I know AA has the amends step but RR doesn't seem to touch upon making right with the past. Sorry just doesn't seem to cut it. I do my best to do the right things now but I'm haunted by all the things I ****** up with my drinking and I'm deeply ashamed, and I should be, I was wrong and I don't know how to make it right. I did some really ****** things. I've said and done things that I am not proud of. I've let my children down and was def not meeting their needs, I thought I was, but being sober I can see now that I was not. Shame on me for that.
How did you all reconcile with your past? Was it enough to quit drinking and let the present version of you eclipse the old drunk you? I know time helps and that a genuine apology can go a long way........seems kind of feeble though, like taking the easy way out.
Honestly I think most people, even my beautiful children will forgive me, even if they don't forget. It's me who can't forgive. I feel really bad about what I've done and I don't like that I can't do anything about it. I'm really sorry that I was a loser drunk for so many years.
I don't even know why I'm writing this....... I guess because people on here understand. You guys and gals have been here too.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
My amends usually come in two parts. The first one is the living or 'walking' amends. The change in behavior and words, the concrete actions that prove day to day that you're a changed person working to become a better person. Without this part, the second part is meaningless. The second part being the verbal amends or apology for specific behaviors and being humble and contrite enough to ask someone else how your addiction effected them. The verbal part can be done when you feel the time is proper given the person and the situation. As for forgiving yourself, acknowledging the past and its mistakes and then moving on as a better person is about the best I've been able to do, and to be honest, it's enough. I can't change the past. All I can do is be the best version of me today. Wishing you well!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
Thank you that BlownOne. I will do that, I will ask my loved ones to tell me how my drinking affected them. I've said I'm sorry but I have not asked that tough question, phew, that won't be easy to hear. But I think it's necessary for healing.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
zen,
in a very real way, reconciling with myself came about while making amends with/to others.
and as you say, apologies seem kinda hollow and easy, but not all things can be fixed.
however, some can, and that is what amending is about. there were some concrete actions that i needed to take to amend some things from my past and make things right.
since i did do the step- way of getting to the amends, i had a process along the way to help me assess my part, and a process and ' procedure', if you will, to better discernment about what to do in each individual situation.
hearing how others were affected, without arguing or pointing out their mistakes, is one thing. going farther is to pose the question re what else you can do to make things right with them.
I have children, zen, and i know the sober growing recognitions of what we did and didn't do. honest and open conversation helped us a lot. i needed to be sure i could check my defensiveness at the door. and my judging. and my desire to evade or apportion blame to others. and my want for getting 'clean' by dumping on others.
mostly, i needed willingness to listen.
it's good to think about this like you're doing. to consider and take time.
in a very real way, reconciling with myself came about while making amends with/to others.
and as you say, apologies seem kinda hollow and easy, but not all things can be fixed.
however, some can, and that is what amending is about. there were some concrete actions that i needed to take to amend some things from my past and make things right.
since i did do the step- way of getting to the amends, i had a process along the way to help me assess my part, and a process and ' procedure', if you will, to better discernment about what to do in each individual situation.
hearing how others were affected, without arguing or pointing out their mistakes, is one thing. going farther is to pose the question re what else you can do to make things right with them.
I have children, zen, and i know the sober growing recognitions of what we did and didn't do. honest and open conversation helped us a lot. i needed to be sure i could check my defensiveness at the door. and my judging. and my desire to evade or apportion blame to others. and my want for getting 'clean' by dumping on others.
mostly, i needed willingness to listen.
it's good to think about this like you're doing. to consider and take time.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manchester, UK
Posts: 1,111
I talk lots to people I trust about my past...rather than hide the bits I don't want to think about.
I talk about my drinking...especially if it might be useful to someone who is struggling themselves.
I have had Frank conversations with people I might have hurt...and let them say what they need to...only of they need to.
I'm pretty open these days about my drinking past and why I don't drink anymore rather than hiding it.
There's a formal process for a lot of this and more in AA. Some folks do seem to want to stop drinking and not have to think about it anymore. I definitely think it's easier to confront the past and come to terms with it. Hiding, shame, fear and denial was such a big part of alcoholism for me I don't want to live the rest of my life that way.
P
I talk about my drinking...especially if it might be useful to someone who is struggling themselves.
I have had Frank conversations with people I might have hurt...and let them say what they need to...only of they need to.
I'm pretty open these days about my drinking past and why I don't drink anymore rather than hiding it.
There's a formal process for a lot of this and more in AA. Some folks do seem to want to stop drinking and not have to think about it anymore. I definitely think it's easier to confront the past and come to terms with it. Hiding, shame, fear and denial was such a big part of alcoholism for me I don't want to live the rest of my life that way.
P
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 1,068
As an active AAer here's a few nuggets I have learned concerning the ninth step. My ideas are not even close to perfection.
1 The most important people are really the ones to focus on and you seem to already be pointed in that direction. Family first.
2 Living amends is the only thing my wife wanted. Talk is cheap. Again you seem to already realize this.
3 When reading your concern that just an apology is not enough I can say that compared to many folks who share at meetings you are way ahead of them. Just getting to the point where one can make a verbal apology is a huge step for most folks.
4 Finally, consider the other people first. At least for me this is a tough on because of so many potential mixed motives. You have already apologized. Now you plan to go back and raise the issue again to dig deeper? In my limited experience some of these folks really don't want to discuss the matter any more. What they want most and appreciate most is a sober you in their lives.
1 The most important people are really the ones to focus on and you seem to already be pointed in that direction. Family first.
2 Living amends is the only thing my wife wanted. Talk is cheap. Again you seem to already realize this.
3 When reading your concern that just an apology is not enough I can say that compared to many folks who share at meetings you are way ahead of them. Just getting to the point where one can make a verbal apology is a huge step for most folks.
4 Finally, consider the other people first. At least for me this is a tough on because of so many potential mixed motives. You have already apologized. Now you plan to go back and raise the issue again to dig deeper? In my limited experience some of these folks really don't want to discuss the matter any more. What they want most and appreciate most is a sober you in their lives.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
Originally Posted by fini 
zen,
in a very real way, reconciling with myself came about while making amends with/to others.
and as you say, apologies seem kinda hollow and easy, but not all things can be fixed.
however, some can, and that is what amending is about. there were some concrete actions that i needed to take to amend some things from my past and make things right.
since i did do the step- way of getting to the amends, i had a process along the way to help me assess my part, and a process and ' procedure', if you will, to better discernment about what to do in each individual situation.
hearing how others were affected, without arguing or pointing out their mistakes, is one thing. going farther is to pose the question re what else you can do to make things right with them.
I have children, zen, and i know the sober growing recognitions of what we did and didn't do. honest and open conversation helped us a lot. i needed to be sure i could check my defensiveness at the door. and my judging. and my desire to evade or apportion blame to others. and my want for getting 'clean' by dumping on others.
mostly, i needed willingness to listen.
it's good to think about this like you're doing. to consider and take time.
in a very real way, reconciling with myself came about while making amends with/to others.
and as you say, apologies seem kinda hollow and easy, but not all things can be fixed.
however, some can, and that is what amending is about. there were some concrete actions that i needed to take to amend some things from my past and make things right.
since i did do the step- way of getting to the amends, i had a process along the way to help me assess my part, and a process and ' procedure', if you will, to better discernment about what to do in each individual situation.
hearing how others were affected, without arguing or pointing out their mistakes, is one thing. going farther is to pose the question re what else you can do to make things right with them.
I have children, zen, and i know the sober growing recognitions of what we did and didn't do. honest and open conversation helped us a lot. i needed to be sure i could check my defensiveness at the door. and my judging. and my desire to evade or apportion blame to others. and my want for getting 'clean' by dumping on others.
mostly, i needed willingness to listen.
it's good to think about this like you're doing. to consider and take time.
At first I was just so happy to be sober and free but the further I get from that last drink and the clearer my mind gets the more I can see the impact my addiction had on everything. It's a like an oil spill that spreads and contaminates everything around it. I can't avoid it anymore and I don't want to. I want to start cleaning it up and making it as right as I can. I don't think AA has the copyright on making amends and trying to correct ones mistakes, I think that's a human need that goes back to the beginning. That's why there are so many stories about redemption.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
Originally Posted by paulokes
I talk lots to people I trust about my past...rather than hide the bits I don't want to think about.
I talk about my drinking...especially if it might be useful to someone who is struggling themselves.
I have had Frank conversations with people I might have hurt...and let them say what they need to...only of they need to.
I'm pretty open these days about my drinking past and why I don't drink anymore rather than hiding it.
There's a formal process for a lot of this and more in AA. Some folks do seem to want to stop drinking and not have to think about it anymore. I definitely think it's easier to confront the past and come to terms with it. Hiding, shame, fear and denial was such a big part of alcoholism for me I don't want to live the rest of my life that way.
P
I talk about my drinking...especially if it might be useful to someone who is struggling themselves.
I have had Frank conversations with people I might have hurt...and let them say what they need to...only of they need to.
I'm pretty open these days about my drinking past and why I don't drink anymore rather than hiding it.
There's a formal process for a lot of this and more in AA. Some folks do seem to want to stop drinking and not have to think about it anymore. I definitely think it's easier to confront the past and come to terms with it. Hiding, shame, fear and denial was such a big part of alcoholism for me I don't want to live the rest of my life that way.
P
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
Originally Posted by AAPJ
As an active AAer here's a few nuggets I have learned concerning the ninth step. My ideas are not even close to perfection.
1 The most important people are really the ones to focus on and you seem to already be pointed in that direction. Family first.
2 Living amends is the only thing my wife wanted. Talk is cheap. Again you seem to already realize this.
3 When reading your concern that just an apology is not enough I can say that compared to many folks who share at meetings you are way ahead of them. Just getting to the point where one can make a verbal apology is a huge step for most folks.
4 Finally, consider the other people first. At least for me this is a tough on because of so many potential mixed motives. You have already apologized. Now you plan to go back and raise the issue again to dig deeper? In my limited experience some of these folks really don't want to discuss the matter any more. What they want most and appreciate most is a sober you in their lives.
1 The most important people are really the ones to focus on and you seem to already be pointed in that direction. Family first.
2 Living amends is the only thing my wife wanted. Talk is cheap. Again you seem to already realize this.
3 When reading your concern that just an apology is not enough I can say that compared to many folks who share at meetings you are way ahead of them. Just getting to the point where one can make a verbal apology is a huge step for most folks.
4 Finally, consider the other people first. At least for me this is a tough on because of so many potential mixed motives. You have already apologized. Now you plan to go back and raise the issue again to dig deeper? In my limited experience some of these folks really don't want to discuss the matter any more. What they want most and appreciate most is a sober you in their lives.
Thanks AAPJ. That's very true about people just wanting a sober me and honestly just that alone has gone a long way! I'm here now and I am doing the best I can today and I will continue to do that. I'm going to have to find a way to live with my regrets, time will help. It hasn't even been 6 months and a lot has changed and I'm sure things will continue to change for the better.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
I learned in speaking with others about past poor conduct the phrase - I was wrong when.......... sets my mind in the right frame. It's different for me than - I am sorry because.
The other handy tool is an ongoing self evaluation. A continuing self check as I can still be an ass hat. When this happens, I try to clean it up immediately.
When it comes to my children, for me it is mostly just the change they witness daily. Giving them hope that none of us have to remain who we are and change is possible is a huge gift, by grace - in my opinion,
These tools allow me to reduce the wreckage of my future, maybe.....
The other handy tool is an ongoing self evaluation. A continuing self check as I can still be an ass hat. When this happens, I try to clean it up immediately.
When it comes to my children, for me it is mostly just the change they witness daily. Giving them hope that none of us have to remain who we are and change is possible is a huge gift, by grace - in my opinion,
These tools allow me to reduce the wreckage of my future, maybe.....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
zenchaser, I also think part of the living amends, learning to walk the walk is learning how to forgive yourself.
Living in shame, guilt and regret is living in the past. What's done is done, and learning to live in the present and loving yourself is part of walking the walk. You show your loved ones we can be strong enough to forgive ourselves. And we all deserve to love ourselves, and not be defined by our past. We can choose to live authentically, and intentionally.
"Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well."
-Wikipedia
Look yourself in the eye first and say "I forgive you, I love you". It might seem a little weird at first, but really, forgiveness is intentional just like sobriety is. It takes some doing on your part, making the choice to forgive yourself whichever way you need to, a lot like getting sober, until it becomes a learned habit.
You can't make anyone forgive you or forget, and we don't really know how others feel about our past. But we can live and show those people we are strong, we have faced our pasts and through that, we are working to be our best possible selves in treating ourselves with kindness so we may treat others the same. No matter what.
Took me a while to figure out how to do this myself. I didn't want to show my kids anymore that treating myself that not only did I do everything wrong but *I* am wrong was not something I wanted them to grow up feeling themselves through my own modeled behaviour.
Living in shame, guilt and regret is living in the past. What's done is done, and learning to live in the present and loving yourself is part of walking the walk. You show your loved ones we can be strong enough to forgive ourselves. And we all deserve to love ourselves, and not be defined by our past. We can choose to live authentically, and intentionally.
"Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well."
-Wikipedia
Look yourself in the eye first and say "I forgive you, I love you". It might seem a little weird at first, but really, forgiveness is intentional just like sobriety is. It takes some doing on your part, making the choice to forgive yourself whichever way you need to, a lot like getting sober, until it becomes a learned habit.
You can't make anyone forgive you or forget, and we don't really know how others feel about our past. But we can live and show those people we are strong, we have faced our pasts and through that, we are working to be our best possible selves in treating ourselves with kindness so we may treat others the same. No matter what.
Took me a while to figure out how to do this myself. I didn't want to show my kids anymore that treating myself that not only did I do everything wrong but *I* am wrong was not something I wanted them to grow up feeling themselves through my own modeled behaviour.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: SE USA
Posts: 599
Zenchaser,
A big part of my bottom was the hate I had for myself over what I was putting my kids through. That regret inspired me to get help but also weighed on me like a wet, heavy blanket in early sobriety. I'm in AA and work the steps. With my kids, who were 18 and 12 when I quit, the living amends have been the key. I never thought that the regret would lessen. I would get angry when I would hear "we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it" at meetings. "How dare someone not regret their past and besides it's impossible" I would think to myself. But after 3 years it has subsided. Not completely gone away but at what I would call a healthy level.
Just hang in there and it will come. And it is worth it.
A big part of my bottom was the hate I had for myself over what I was putting my kids through. That regret inspired me to get help but also weighed on me like a wet, heavy blanket in early sobriety. I'm in AA and work the steps. With my kids, who were 18 and 12 when I quit, the living amends have been the key. I never thought that the regret would lessen. I would get angry when I would hear "we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it" at meetings. "How dare someone not regret their past and besides it's impossible" I would think to myself. But after 3 years it has subsided. Not completely gone away but at what I would call a healthy level.
Just hang in there and it will come. And it is worth it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
I've had my oldest son in counselling these last few months for the anxiety he suffers with, which I'm sure is my fault for neglecting his needs so I could drink
Do you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is the reason your son has anxiety? Unless you do, don't take on guilt for its own sake. You realize that you weren't a very good dad in the past. You owned up to that. It's in the past now and can't be changed. Ditch the guilt. It will do you no good and self resentment is dangerous. Move forward doing what you know is the right thing.
Do you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is the reason your son has anxiety? Unless you do, don't take on guilt for its own sake. You realize that you weren't a very good dad in the past. You owned up to that. It's in the past now and can't be changed. Ditch the guilt. It will do you no good and self resentment is dangerous. Move forward doing what you know is the right thing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
Originally Posted by Delizadee
zenchaser, I also think part of the living amends, learning to walk the walk is learning how to forgive yourself.
Living in shame, guilt and regret is living in the past. What's done is done, and learning to live in the present and loving yourself is part of walking the walk. You show your loved ones we can be strong enough to forgive ourselves. And we all deserve to love ourselves, and not be defined by our past. We can choose to live authentically, and intentionally.
"Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well."
-Wikipedia
Look yourself in the eye first and say "I forgive you, I love you". It might seem a little weird at first, but really, forgiveness is intentional just like sobriety is. It takes some doing on your part, making the choice to forgive yourself whichever way you need to, a lot like getting sober, until it becomes a learned habit.
You can't make anyone forgive you or forget, and we don't really know how others feel about our past. But we can live and show those people we are strong, we have faced our pasts and through that, we are working to be our best possible selves in treating ourselves with kindness so we may treat others the same. No matter what.
Took me a while to figure out how to do this myself. I didn't want to show my kids anymore that treating myself that not only did I do everything wrong but *I* am wrong was not something I wanted them to grow up feeling themselves through my own modeled behaviour.
Living in shame, guilt and regret is living in the past. What's done is done, and learning to live in the present and loving yourself is part of walking the walk. You show your loved ones we can be strong enough to forgive ourselves. And we all deserve to love ourselves, and not be defined by our past. We can choose to live authentically, and intentionally.
"Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well."
-Wikipedia
Look yourself in the eye first and say "I forgive you, I love you". It might seem a little weird at first, but really, forgiveness is intentional just like sobriety is. It takes some doing on your part, making the choice to forgive yourself whichever way you need to, a lot like getting sober, until it becomes a learned habit.
You can't make anyone forgive you or forget, and we don't really know how others feel about our past. But we can live and show those people we are strong, we have faced our pasts and through that, we are working to be our best possible selves in treating ourselves with kindness so we may treat others the same. No matter what.
Took me a while to figure out how to do this myself. I didn't want to show my kids anymore that treating myself that not only did I do everything wrong but *I* am wrong was not something I wanted them to grow up feeling themselves through my own modeled behaviour.
This is a really beautiful post Delizadee, thank you!
And lots of really great advice from all of you
It really helps to have a place like this to be able to come and talk about this stuff. I am not an AAer and have quit on my own, so SR and all you lovely people on here are so helpful to me. Alcoholism is such a nasty addiction, it just destroys families and people. It robbed me of so much and I couldn't stop, it had such a strangle hold on me. My boys are 12 and 14 and I would say that the drink really took me when they were 5 and 7, I was a single mother so although they still saw their dad, I was all they had at home. What a crying shame.I'm going to put your wise advice into action and keep working on healing myself and my family. I'm going to ask the tough questions and check my ego and not deflect or defend but listen with an open heart. Find out what else I can do and do it. And I will continue to be a living example and a walking amends.
All the compassion and kindness here on SR is really inspiring. I'm so grateful for you all.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
no, zen, AA does not have copyright to making restitution/ amends, and i was not " in" AA when i started the conversation(s) with my children, who were also considerably older than yours when i quit drinking. i didn't see the value of the step-stuff until years later, yet the conversations and taking responsibility and being accountable wih regards to my kids started within the first year of my sobriety.
"so, Mom......what you really did was choose drinking over me!"
it went down that road a ways, and lots of talking about choice and control.
i did have the advice and suggestions of a long- term AA member, who basically told me not to go into un-asked- for detail, to own my part, to listen to what they wanted or needed to say, to acknowledge my responsibility without presenting as doormat, and to not get into any debates but stay focused on what i was there to do.
that served me well.
you will find your way through this, zen. i'd caution you not to stay in the self- blame place too long here, as there is no point to it and it is easy to get stuck there.
and yes, only with ongoing sobriety could i see how enmeshed this ' condition' was in everything, the tentacles reaching everywhere.
"so, Mom......what you really did was choose drinking over me!"
it went down that road a ways, and lots of talking about choice and control.
i did have the advice and suggestions of a long- term AA member, who basically told me not to go into un-asked- for detail, to own my part, to listen to what they wanted or needed to say, to acknowledge my responsibility without presenting as doormat, and to not get into any debates but stay focused on what i was there to do.
that served me well.
you will find your way through this, zen. i'd caution you not to stay in the self- blame place too long here, as there is no point to it and it is easy to get stuck there.
and yes, only with ongoing sobriety could i see how enmeshed this ' condition' was in everything, the tentacles reaching everywhere.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
I wrestled with that question too, zenchaser. For most of my bad behaviour there really was no amending. What's done is done, and it can't really be fixed. And as you said, my kids didn't understand a lot of how I could and should have been so much more for them.
Upthread you see the idea of self forgiveness, and I think that is where the answer lies. First and foremost though, is acceptance. I had to accept the fact, the reality of what happened, what I had done and failed to do. Then, I allowed myself a fresh start. Somehow I convinced myself I could forgive myself if I never ever drank again, and found some redemption in that way.
You deserve a sober life, zen, and I know you know this. You also deserve to live honestly and freely. The honesty comes with acceptance, and the freedom with forgiveness.
Hope this helps a little. Now onward with your badass self.
Upthread you see the idea of self forgiveness, and I think that is where the answer lies. First and foremost though, is acceptance. I had to accept the fact, the reality of what happened, what I had done and failed to do. Then, I allowed myself a fresh start. Somehow I convinced myself I could forgive myself if I never ever drank again, and found some redemption in that way.
You deserve a sober life, zen, and I know you know this. You also deserve to live honestly and freely. The honesty comes with acceptance, and the freedom with forgiveness.
Hope this helps a little. Now onward with your badass self.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
I really like the idea that never doing it again can be the way to redemption. Thanks for that Freshstart. It has become an absolute truth and certainty in the core of who I am that my children will never see me drunk again, ever.
I decided today to go back and see the counselor I was seeing. I stopped going because I didn't want to talk about the past, and I still don't, but maybe it's necessary to put things right in the present. I can def use some professional guidance on how forgive myself and stop punishing myself, let's face it, drinking myself ill on a regular basis for years is a form of self punishment and not a sign of a healthy self esteem. Part of being a good mother is modeling self love and acceptance. Time to woman up and get to work!
I decided today to go back and see the counselor I was seeing. I stopped going because I didn't want to talk about the past, and I still don't, but maybe it's necessary to put things right in the present. I can def use some professional guidance on how forgive myself and stop punishing myself, let's face it, drinking myself ill on a regular basis for years is a form of self punishment and not a sign of a healthy self esteem. Part of being a good mother is modeling self love and acceptance. Time to woman up and get to work!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Portland maine
Posts: 1,330
Thank you Zenchaser for this thread and thank you all for the responses. I'm in my early days of recovery and what always seems to overcome me, is my great guilts. This thread helps me to process moving on. Some terrific advice here I will follow.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by zenchaser
I decided today to go back and see the counselor I was seeing. I stopped going because I didn't want to talk about the past, and I still don't, but maybe it's necessary to put things right in the present. I can def use some professional guidance on how forgive myself and stop punishing myself, let's face it, drinking myself ill on a regular basis for years is a form of self punishment and not a sign of a healthy self esteem. Part of being a good mother is modeling self love and acceptance. Time to woman up and get to work!
Probably the biggest "takeaway" in regard to both the past and the future is the concept of mindfulness. And in turn learning to focus my energy more on the present, vs worrying about the future or past - both things that are well beyond anyone's control.
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,271
The idea of forgiveness helped me a lot in AA in addition to amends. Humans are infallible. We hurt people, people hurt us. Hurt people hurt people.
We forgive people, and we forgive ourselves. We learn from our mistakes and move on. It's a waste of energy if we wallow in the mistakes of the past. We look at the past to learn from it, but we don't stare at it. If we spend too much time in guilt, shame, remorse and morbid reflection, we are of no use to others.
Forgiveness doesn't mean we condone bad behavior. It just means we've decided to let go of the anger.
It's all about getting past your past and keep your mind in the present moment.
We forgive people, and we forgive ourselves. We learn from our mistakes and move on. It's a waste of energy if we wallow in the mistakes of the past. We look at the past to learn from it, but we don't stare at it. If we spend too much time in guilt, shame, remorse and morbid reflection, we are of no use to others.
Forgiveness doesn't mean we condone bad behavior. It just means we've decided to let go of the anger.
It's all about getting past your past and keep your mind in the present moment.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
