Is the hate real?

Old 03-28-2017, 05:51 PM
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Is the hate real?

Husband relapsed. I was the love of his life and the best thing that's ever happened to him and he would never hurt me, a month ago, 2 weeks ago. Today, I am the enemy. I won't let him in the house or around my kids (mine from prev. Marriage) while he's drunk so he's sleeping in his car. I won't dof what he wants and wouldn't blindly trust him after the initial relapse, so my lack of trust made him go get drunk.
He says he doesn't love me because I changed and am not the woman he used to love. He wants to split up and is "done" with me. This whole episode is my fault and he doesn't want me to ever speak to him again because I treat him horrible.
I tried reacting firm but calm and compassionate, told him I was sorry he was hurting and hate seeing him go through this and that I love him. Told him that I will be here to help him if he decides he wants to get help, but unless he is sober and accepts responsibility for his own actions, I will.not be spending any time or energy on any needs that are not mine or my kids. He hates me. We were so in love, and now he hates me like I am a monster and everything is my fault. Is it possible that he really believes that? Is the hatred that he has for me real? Is it really possible to just suddenly, (after a 5th of vodka or more and the mornings after) just stop loving someone you would have done anything for a month before? Is it even possible for him to see that I haven't wronged him by not allowing his alcoholism to infiltrate my life and time any longer?
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Old 03-28-2017, 06:08 PM
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It's the addiction MLo, and more manipulation. The active alcoholic values drinking over anything else and will say/do anything to keep doing it. You are doing the right thing. But you need to protect yourself and your children for the possibility that he might not be able to overcome it.
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Old 03-28-2017, 06:08 PM
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Mlo, he is this way because he is an alcoholic who is not ready to face his own demons. As painful as it is for you, it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with that.

You are never the reason he drinks. He drinks because he is an alcoholic.
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Old 03-28-2017, 06:23 PM
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I suspect he sees you as forcing him to choose between alcohol and your love. To someone in active addiction, that's like saying "stop breathing if you love me." That is his addiction speaking, of course, but until he decides to get sober - it's the only voice he has.
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Old 03-28-2017, 06:58 PM
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Stay safe. Distance yourself. Alcohol and addiction and guilt and self loathing and anger caused me, as a frightened emotional child to lash out at my (now) ex wife verbally in a hateful way. I do not and never did hate her. She is a good person.. It is not your fault. You have no control over him. Love, logic and addiction do not make friends. The only love of addiction- is that.
Support to you.
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Old 03-28-2017, 07:15 PM
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You are absolutely doing the right thing. Alcoholics react strongly when their enablers establish clear boundaries. Your first priority must be you and the children, not exposing them to a drunk. Either he will have a "rock bottom" experience and get help or go on drinking elsewhere, it's out of your hands completely. A big hug.
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Old 03-28-2017, 07:23 PM
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That's great to hear you are doing the right thing to keep yourself and your kids safe. Alcoholism does warp your sense of reality, and lashing out at loved ones is common. He likely is showing hostility because you are putting your foot down to his drinking. Alcoholics love booze above anything, and trying to get in the way of that, will upset them like nothing else.
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Old 03-28-2017, 07:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Forward12 View Post
That's great to hear you are doing the right thing to keep yourself and your kids safe. Alcoholism does warp your sense of reality, and lashing out at loved ones is common. He likely is showing hostility because you are putting your foot down to his drinking. Alcoholics love booze above anything, and trying to get in the way of that, will upset them like nothing else.
Thank you all. I just can not believe the hurtful and cruel texts im receiving because he wants to come in. Guess he never learned that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. I'm now a horrible mother and a scam artists and my children's father's schizophrenia is now my fault too. He's making threats to "take me down" and expose me for who I really am, and he just wishes I could see myself how everyone else does since I refuse to accept responsibility for anything, especially destroying our marriage when he treats me like gold and I **** on it. This just amazes me and breaks my heart.
I wish I could hate him, but I can't. I can't seem to reconcile that this is actually him and that the man I knew is gone. Jekyll and Hyde I guess. I just wish he could see what is really happening.
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Old 03-28-2017, 08:29 PM
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I'm afraid he probably won't see what is really happening until he stops drinking. What will drive him to stop drinking, no one can say, but it sounds to me like you're doing all the right things - for you and your kids. He may come around, and I'm sure many of us recognize aspects of drunken selves in your description of your husband and we came around. He may not come around.
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Old 03-28-2017, 09:03 PM
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Emotions go unhindered and grow into explosions when drunk. I have called my x women names and regretted it. After doing that a few times and making up we grew apart. I have to admit she left me but after it all I felt weird like I had to make up for it 27/7 so I became restless myself.

I'm said bad things to close relatives drunk that I surely did not mean.

I don't care what anyone thinks - a drunk will say things they don't mean. Its not truth serum that just brings the truth to the top. No, its being drunk and babbling in a mean way. The world is mean and we all hear bad things all the time in movies and TV and real life. You know darn well that you have thought bad things about someone for a moment but didn't tell them or others. All people think bad things at one time or another about people.

Selfishness comes out drunk like 400 percent. The ability to control and defuse become unattainable. And most of the time it feels like someone is out to get us when we are drunk and when its a girlfriend close it seems it can release on her.

Does he mean it? No. He will regret it. You will get sick of it and grow apart from him. he will feel stupid around you and eventually probably split up. That's how it used to happen to me all the time.

this is why prison is full of people - many charges are from drunk people doing stupid stuff they would have never done sober
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Old 03-29-2017, 06:03 AM
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Clean30, thank you so much for being so open and honest about that. I really do appreciate it. Best of luck to you.
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Old 03-29-2017, 07:22 AM
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He's out of his mind. Unchecked alcoholism will do that. Ppl lose touch with reality and themselves. It's a horrid part of the disease. It's hard not to take it personally, I know. You know the truth of the situation. Hang on to that and remember that he just isn't capable of recognizing it
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Old 03-29-2017, 07:34 AM
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This is my brother my mom is the one I love most and the one I hurt most. I'm alcoholic and was in two long term relationships with other alcoholics and they abused me mentally physically and Spiritually. One is in AA and on her 8 step I made amends for my side of the street to everybody. It took me 12 years of AA to wake up and relise just how serious this disease is. My brother adopted who I feel more love for him then my biological brother is alcoholic my dad alcoholic I'm alcoholic my sister a sex addict my niece a herion addict my other niece alcoholic. my my is in alanon she has insomnia and takes anxiety medication because of us who she still married to my dad treats her like crap!!! He never got honest on his fifth step he's a dry drunk he has anger problems serious this disease effects everybody you know my heart go's out to you I will pray for you on my knees right now and husband and kids!!!
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Old 03-29-2017, 07:36 AM
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The alcoholic living in my head became a child throwing a tantrum when it was told it could not have everything it wanted. Lashing out at everything in it's way, it's only purpose was to get what it wanted.

If you want more tantrums relent and give it what it wants. Other wise, ignore it. Tantrums hate being ignored, but it's really the only way.

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Old 03-29-2017, 08:04 AM
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When we're in active addiction, we start compromising ourselves to do things we would not otherwise do.

We also start bartering away our things of value (relationships, jobs, drivers licenses, etc.) so we can keep drinking and using.

I also agree with Eddiebuckle and his comparison.

I have always said that alcohol became like oxygen to me.
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Old 03-29-2017, 12:30 PM
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Mlo, there is another support group that can help also. Check out family support threads and/or go to alanon meetings.

I know when I was active in my disease my actions paralleled what you're describing. I lashed out said many horrible things to my ex. I've said and done things to my parents and loved ones. Most of the time I was in black out stage which doesn't excuse my actions but it definitely didn't help me to fix them when I did clean up. If your husband is like me, he has a disease that can't be cured. But that doesn't mean you have to become prisoner to his problems. My suggestion is for you to take care of yourself and children first then help husband. Just remember you didn't make him drink and you can't make his stop drinking. So set boundaries and stick to them. Even if that means calling the police to throw him into jail. When he is boozed up, approach the situation objectively as possible and treat him as the drunk he is.

Good luck and many prayers
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