Adult children of alcoholics and transference
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
I long ago stopped applying "criteria" on who I would date and now just go along with who I feel attracted to. Age really is just a number to me.
But the pattern in my relationships has not changed much (meet, ignore obstacle, have a great time, fall madly in love, continue to stubbornly ignore obstacle, start to hurt, recognise obstacle, belatedly realise obstacle is immovable, get heart broken, [drink too much], move on, get back into saddle and repeat).
The one common factor in all my relationships is me. So this is where I have to start if I want to break the pattern. The realisation I haven't wanted to face up to is that now is the best time to do the work, having embarked on the fundamental challenge of sobriety and recovery.
But the pattern in my relationships has not changed much (meet, ignore obstacle, have a great time, fall madly in love, continue to stubbornly ignore obstacle, start to hurt, recognise obstacle, belatedly realise obstacle is immovable, get heart broken, [drink too much], move on, get back into saddle and repeat).
The one common factor in all my relationships is me. So this is where I have to start if I want to break the pattern. The realisation I haven't wanted to face up to is that now is the best time to do the work, having embarked on the fundamental challenge of sobriety and recovery.
Sacrificial Lamb
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 1,421
Emotional transference I think it's also sometimes called.
It doesn't just apply to relationships & people either it could be 'places' and 'things' too.
I'm definitely guilty as charged, particularly of the latters.
It doesn't just apply to relationships & people either it could be 'places' and 'things' too.
I'm definitely guilty as charged, particularly of the latters.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
Originally Posted by MissPerfumado 
I long ago stopped applying "criteria" on who I would date and now just go along with who I feel attracted to. Age really is just a number to me.
But the pattern in my relationships has not changed much (meet, ignore obstacle, have a great time, fall madly in love, continue to stubbornly ignore obstacle, start to hurt, recognise obstacle, belatedly realise obstacle is immovable, get heart broken, [drink too much], move on, get back into saddle and repeat).
The one common factor in all my relationships is me. So this is where I have to start if I want to break the pattern. The realisation I haven't wanted to face up to is that now is the best time to do the work, having embarked on the fundamental challenge of sobriety and recovery.
But the pattern in my relationships has not changed much (meet, ignore obstacle, have a great time, fall madly in love, continue to stubbornly ignore obstacle, start to hurt, recognise obstacle, belatedly realise obstacle is immovable, get heart broken, [drink too much], move on, get back into saddle and repeat).
The one common factor in all my relationships is me. So this is where I have to start if I want to break the pattern. The realisation I haven't wanted to face up to is that now is the best time to do the work, having embarked on the fundamental challenge of sobriety and recovery.
It is healthier to find a life partner that is in a similar stage of life as me.
Sacrificial Lamb
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 1,421
Originally Posted by Jamie1
Good luck for me, cause my parents are alcohol-free and they didn't take this for a while. I am proud of my parents. But what about others? Please let's share.
Also, your post above does not even make any sense!? At least to me anyway, so I do apologize that's my mistake. I'm a bit miffed here. Thanks
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Midwest U.S.
Posts: 142
To your original post, Brenda, I'm not sure I know of any literature or videos about transference, but I have some personal experience. My first serious relationship was with someone who was just as messed up as I was due to family/parental influence, so we pretty much transferred it to each other, and it ended horribly. My second serious relationship was with someone on the polar opposite end, and thankfully she balanced me out (granted, took on a lot of my baggage, but still was willing to love me). Still married to her! 
ABW1
ABW1
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Montreal, PQ
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by Doug39
My father was a verbally abusive alcoholic and I hated it when I was growing up.
I swore I would never be like him.
Now, at age 53, I realize I patterned my life after his. I was rarely abusive - I was mostly a happy drunk. Most of the abuse I did to my own mind and body - as did my father. today he is an 80 year old miserable dry drunk.
I am sure my daughter would have had a better upbringing if my wife and I were not alcoholics; but we can't change the past.
I swore I would never be like him.
Now, at age 53, I realize I patterned my life after his. I was rarely abusive - I was mostly a happy drunk. Most of the abuse I did to my own mind and body - as did my father. today he is an 80 year old miserable dry drunk.
I am sure my daughter would have had a better upbringing if my wife and I were not alcoholics; but we can't change the past.
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Join Date: May 2014
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Originally Posted by Jamie1
Hi Doug39, My history is something like yours. My dad also took alcohol and it was such a irritating things I have never seen before. But luckily I didn't take alcohol for a while, still now, I don't take alcohol.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Age is not just a number for me either in many contexts. And when it comes to attraction, it's also part of my pattern very strongly that I tend to be drawn to people (men and women) quite a bit older than myself. When I was in my teens/20's, it was often ~20-30 years older and these days still in the 10-20 years age gap range. I also married someone a couple years ago who is 15 years older than me. I tried to consciously explore having relationships with younger people who are closer or the same age as myself but it never felt as satisfying and natural as the "old pattern" 
I personally never had issues due to the age gap, it just works for me well, so don't see a reason to force myself into something different (but I tried because I wanted to explore it). But for me it's mostly an age/life experience thing and I am definitely not drawn to abusive people or who have serious unresolved personal hangups, unless I am not in a good place mentally myself. As for its origin, I am an only child and did not have so great experiences with other kids when I was one myself, and there was a social scene of adults with certain qualities around me as I was growing up (my dad's friends) that I liked and got along with better. Not alcoholics or addicts, they were great and respectful people, usually high achievers with high standards for themselves. I think this drives the life-long pattern in a powerful way.
Another key element of my attraction pattern is being drawn people I perceive as quite similar to myself personality-wise and in terms of interests, which is good in many ways but can also come with trouble spots we both have and cannot resolve easily. My husband is a better match this way because we have many complementary traits and strengths rather than just overlapping ones.
I had a crazy, addictive relationship in my 30's with someone who had all those qualities I like but was also an alcoholic/addict in denial. Also had a lot of other emotional problems that as far as I know, he still is ignoring. The relationship itself became just as badly addictive as alcohol itself, for both of us. It was a one-of-a-kind experience for me, luckily. Really no desire to repeat that madness.
I personally never had issues due to the age gap, it just works for me well, so don't see a reason to force myself into something different (but I tried because I wanted to explore it). But for me it's mostly an age/life experience thing and I am definitely not drawn to abusive people or who have serious unresolved personal hangups, unless I am not in a good place mentally myself. As for its origin, I am an only child and did not have so great experiences with other kids when I was one myself, and there was a social scene of adults with certain qualities around me as I was growing up (my dad's friends) that I liked and got along with better. Not alcoholics or addicts, they were great and respectful people, usually high achievers with high standards for themselves. I think this drives the life-long pattern in a powerful way.Another key element of my attraction pattern is being drawn people I perceive as quite similar to myself personality-wise and in terms of interests, which is good in many ways but can also come with trouble spots we both have and cannot resolve easily. My husband is a better match this way because we have many complementary traits and strengths rather than just overlapping ones.
I had a crazy, addictive relationship in my 30's with someone who had all those qualities I like but was also an alcoholic/addict in denial. Also had a lot of other emotional problems that as far as I know, he still is ignoring. The relationship itself became just as badly addictive as alcohol itself, for both of us. It was a one-of-a-kind experience for me, luckily. Really no desire to repeat that madness.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Montreal, PQ
Posts: 59
Adult children of alcoholics and transference
Hi Doug39, My history is something like yours. My dad also took alcohol and it was such a irritating things I have never seen before. But luckily I didn't take alcohol for a while, still now, I don't take alcohol.
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