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The Wine is Gone

Old 01-15-2017, 10:10 AM
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The Wine is Gone

Alright so unfortunately for all of you, in order to fend for my sanity... I'm going to post a lot as I quit. :P

I guess it's not unfortunate cuz you technically don't have to read what I write lol. But if you do choose to stick by me and read, what I'm going to be doing is giving you a live glimpse into the mind of a withdrawing and relatively pathetic alcoholic. I'm sure for some this might bring back memories. My hope is that reading this for those people will remind them why they have quit.

So by now... I have usually consumed an entire bottle of wine. On certain days and on an empty stomach this can have the effect of knocking me right back out about two hours after getting up. I'm a 26 year old male, and weigh 150lbs soaking wet. That'll give you an idea of what I'm doing to myself. I love these days. I have this sick and abusive love hate relationship with alcohol. When it knocks me out like that... It means I'll drink less that day.

So how do I have this money and time to drink myself into oblivion?

It started with a car crash... And it wasn't my fault just so we're clear. That's the long story made short. Car crashes do three things all at the same time when they're not your fault.

1) Give you a lot of free time
2) Cut you a steady paycheck for not doing anything as you "heal."
3) helps you hang streamers for the pity party.

I'm not gonna go into much more detail than that right now, but alcohol was the band aid that I shouldn't have applied. Now I'm physically okay, with a drinking problem that's destroying my soul. I didn't know alcohol was soul crushing. It really does seem like the solution at first.

Anyways... So right now I have one glass of wine left. I'm terrified of drinking it but I know it needs to happen. That means that, God willing, it's over. It can be over if I make it over. Why am I scared of drinking it?

There is a part of an alcoholic that wants to hold onto the insanity. This part of myself makes me want to use many swear words on myself in rapid succession. Can I think of even one true benefit that alcohol has brought to my life?

No.

It's loony tunes. Plain as day. So why do I want to hold onto it? There's a dichotomy between what I want and what I feel. You are witnessing me forcing these two things into alignment. That's the only place that I think healing will come from.

Anyways... Here goes the last one. Cheers to you guys. Stoked to join you on the other side.
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Old 01-15-2017, 10:17 AM
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no, drinkoing that glass of wine doesn't need to happen. you can pour it out.
youre scared of drinking it prolly because you are deciding to stop drinking and change your life- instead of existing you want to start living without alcohol and you may not know how that is going to be- fear of the unknown.

getting sober was the hardest and scariest thing I ever did in my life. I drank for many years and had no clue what life without alcohol was going to be like.
it was harder and scarier than fighting cancer, which I was diagnosed with 13 months into recovery.

staying sober had been easy.
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Old 01-15-2017, 10:28 AM
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no, drinkoing that glass of wine doesn't need to happen. you can pour it out.
youre scared of drinking it prolly because you are deciding to stop drinking and change your life- instead of existing you want to start living without alcohol and you may not know how that is going to be- fear of the unknown.
Yeah I think it's cuz I know it's gone once I drink it. Weird.

I'm on an iPad and for some reason it won't let me paste your other statement to my reply, but that is super strong of you to beat both cancer and alcohol. You are a Titan sir.
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Old 01-15-2017, 10:36 AM
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We've all been there xstargazer. I'd once again strongly recommend you seek professional help with your detox. You are certainly welcome to post here but we cannot help if you have physical complications. And you are still most likely drunk if you've come off a major bender and drank more this morning. You may not be thinking all that clearly. At the very least let someone know that can check on you locally. This is quite serious business I'm afraid.
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Old 01-15-2017, 10:42 AM
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Hi Stargazer
Originally Posted by xStargazer
There's a dichotomy between what I want and what I feel.
So, yeah...this is the hallmark of addiction. Every person who has been addicted to something has experienced this push and pull...this "being of two minds". It's exhausting and really not sustainable. Something gives eventually.
Originally Posted by xStargazer
You are witnessing me forcing these two things into alignment.
For me it was not about forcing those two parts of me into alignment because the way I see the addicted part of me, there is no reasoning with that part or changing that part. That part of me will always seek the drunk or high. Always. But here's the thing. That part of me doesn't have to be in charge. That part of me can be separated from and ignored. In doing that, there is no struggle, no forcing. It's like walking away from a tennis match. There is no lobbing back forth of the ball once I stop hitting it. The game is over when I walk away.
Originally Posted by xStargazer
Stoked to join you on the other side.
Stoked you're joining us! Not gonna lie, it takes a badass to make it to this side, but you are fully capable. It's pretty cool over here.
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Old 01-15-2017, 10:43 AM
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We've all been there xstargazer. I'd once again strongly recommend you seek professional help with your detox. You are certainly welcome to post here but we cannot help if you have physical complications. And you are still most likely drunk if you've come off a major bender and drank more this morning. You may not be thinking all that clearly. At the very least let someone know that can check on you locally. This is quite serious business I'm afraid
Thanks Scott.

I don't feel drunk really. You're right I haven't taken a break really, but The alcohol from last night has worn off and my body is working on the tittle I had this morning. Right now I'm laying in a bathtub. It is helping immensely with temperature control.

What I do feel is spacey. Like if I shut my eyes I'm Jupiter, just floating in an ether. No nausea or headache yet. I'm depersonalizing though definitely. That's probably the best describing word.
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Old 01-15-2017, 10:50 AM
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Hey SL.

So, yeah...this is the hallmark of addiction. Every person who has been addicted to something has experienced this push and pull...this "being of two minds". It's exhausting and really not sustainable. Something gives
I am so weary it's hard to describe.

For me it was not about forcing those two parts of me into alignment because the way I see the addicted part of me, there is no reasoning with that part or changing that part. That part of me will always seek the drunk or high. Always. But here's the thing. That part of me doesn't have to be in charge. That part of me can be separated from and ignored. In doing that, there is no struggle, no forcing. It's like walking away from a tennis match. There is no lobbing back forth of the ball once I stop hitting it. The game is over when I walk away
This is gold.

Stop engaging with the stupid voice inside me. Brilliant.

Stoked you're joining us! Not gonna lie, it takes a badass to make it to this side, but you are fully capable. It's pretty cool over here.
I believe you lolol.
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Old 01-15-2017, 11:28 AM
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Definitely take the ball and leave the court. Keep the 'ball' it's yours and you deserve it, take it with you and keep it. When the voice taunts (unfortunately it probably will) show it the ball , but don't ever give it back. It's yours to keep , you Never Have to give it back, but if you do, no one took it from you , you gave it up. DON'T , you absolutely deserve to have it.
Be a badass, take your 'ball' and go 'home'.
rootin for ya
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Old 01-15-2017, 11:41 AM
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Definitely take the ball and leave the court. Keep the 'ball' it's yours and you deserve it, take it with you and keep it. When the voice taunts (unfortunately it probably will) show it the ball , but don't ever give it back. It's yours to keep , you Never Have to give it back, but if you do, no one took it from you , you gave it up. DON'T , you absolutely deserve to have it.
Be a badass, take your 'ball' and go 'home'.
rootin for ya
Thank you. It's started. I've taken the ball, and Anna Kournikova isn't very happy. She's trying to make me puke and making me really dizzy. Focusing on this screen is helping immensely.
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Old 01-15-2017, 11:58 AM
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I have actually decided to change my metaphor. My addiction looks nothing like Anna Kournikova, because my addiction is an ugly monster that I want to smash in the face.

My addiction looks more like a Platypus taking the Polyjuice potion from Harry Potter. There is nothing pleasant going on there.
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Old 01-15-2017, 12:49 PM
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Originally Posted by xStargazer View Post

Anyways... Here goes the last one. Cheers to you guys. Stoked to join you on the other side.


Funny thing....I don't even remember my last drink. I know I drank it around 7:00 PM (EST) on 10/24/2016 and it was beer.

At that time I had no intention of quitting; I was experiencing severe panic and anxiety for a few weeks before my last drink and I just decided to stop drinking for a while to see if I felt better.

Now that I have been sober for 83 days I intend to stay sober.

Good luck to you.
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Old 01-15-2017, 02:08 PM
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xStargazer,
The technique whereby you separate yourself from your addicted part is called AVRT. Read up on it. There are some good threads here in the Secular Connections section of SR. The technique will come in handy when the assshole tries to sneak in (which it will). But you got this.
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