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I don't recognize myself anymore.

Old 12-01-2016, 12:22 AM
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I don't recognize myself anymore.

I worked from home yesterday afternoon. So I drank. I started with a pint of Stella, which turned to four pints because I could handle it. I said I could stop after four..and do some work. I meant to surprise Mr. Merigold with dinner when he got home form work ( I hardly cook or clean anymore). I was going to dos om laundry. Do a bit of self grooming....

But I didn't do any of that. I was passed out when he got home. I had ignored my phone and emails, so will have consequences when my boss gets here. My face hurts. I must have fallen over at some point and injured it. I despise myself. I smell like stale beer, smoke, and puke. I wish I'd just not woken up. When I got in my car this morning to go to work my seat was wet. I guess I'd pissed myself when I went back whilst drunk as hell to get more booze. Looking at myself today is making me ill.

I've promised myself I won't drink today. I mean it..I swear I do. I can do it, just today...just today. I will be lurking here all day...I'm hopeful I can keep my promise by reading and posting.

Just today...please.
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Old 12-01-2016, 03:03 AM
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Hi Merigold! I am so sorry you are feeling so lousy. You are not alone, we have all been there in some way or another. Hang in there. Like you said, you CAN do this!! Keep reading, keep posting. You can do it girl!! Big hugs to you.
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Old 12-01-2016, 03:20 AM
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Thanks:)

Thanks, babycat. It's coming up to lunch time now and I'm glad I only have 70 pence on me. Of course, the truth is if I want to drink not having money doesn't stop me.

Still, It's almost lunch time and I still don't want to drink. Driving home from work will be the big test. I can do it.
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Old 12-01-2016, 03:26 AM
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hang in there. early sobriety is often messy, and confusing, but it gets better.
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Old 12-01-2016, 03:31 AM
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I drank for 20 years or so,. I'd forgotten who the real me was.

I'd begun to think that drunken mess was the only me that had ever existed.

You can find yourself again Merigold - it all starts with a day one
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Old 12-01-2016, 03:35 AM
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Drive way out of your way on the ride home; don't pass by any of your typical haunts. Avoid people, places and things that put alcohol in your face!
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Old 12-01-2016, 03:41 AM
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so, about that rehab you got money for......
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Old 12-01-2016, 03:50 AM
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That money is in my account. I haven't access to it in weeks, Mr. Merigold took away my cards. Which is good, but I still find ways.

I'm scheduled to check into the rehab clinic on Dec 27th. I'd hoped to get some clean time before then though, I'm finding it difficult. A voice in me says...screw it you're going to rehab you might as well drink.

But...I have come to recognise that this is a lie. It's like the lie I told myself that I could slow down, drink less, be like other people, drink moderately...I've wasted time searching for a solution other than quitting drinking.

I don't want to drink today. if I can just do today!
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Old 12-01-2016, 04:13 AM
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Originally Posted by Merigold View Post
I don't want to drink today. if I can just do today!
that, my friend is the answer to it all and as complicated as it ever has to be.
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Old 12-01-2016, 08:27 AM
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You brought back memories for me, Marigold.
Drinking Stella in the kitchen whilst cooking.
Never told the truth about how many.
Didn't have a place like SoberRecovery to be honest.

You can do today without a drink.

But, will you?
That's the challenge.
Just for today.

Ah, but you've got your rehab booked, so who cares?
Well, your wonderful husband does.
More importantly: we can tell that you care very much.

That's in your favour, but don't be too hard on yourself.

Just don't have that first pint of Stella and you won't have more.
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Old 12-01-2016, 08:40 AM
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Merigold, for some reason I adore you for your honesty. I see myself in you and I know now that there was a wonderful woman underneath my addiction to alcohol, and I know that there is one in you as well, I can see that. We're the same. So when you feel like you don't recognize the person you see in the mirror any more, know that you're understood, and that you're okay, and that you're worthy, and that you're deserving of coming back from this.

The plan just for today is to WAIT. Do nothing. Hang out here with us. Time passes on its own, don't even worry about that. If you feel like you can't get through the day, then just focus on this next 20 minutes.
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Old 12-01-2016, 09:38 AM
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I made it home. I feel down, but still motivated. Going to start dinner. Hubby will be pleasantly surprised if I'm still sober when he gets home.

Thanks all. I'll check in again soon.
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Old 12-01-2016, 09:44 AM
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Sounds like you are doing just fine Merigold...keep doing what you are doing and keep coming here. We've got your back, just keep at it!
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Old 12-01-2016, 03:00 PM
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It's 6p EST- just checking in on you, Mer. How are you?
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Old 12-01-2016, 03:12 PM
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A voice in me says...screw it you're going to rehab you might as well drink.
yeah don't listen to that voice.

Many people have drunk past their planned induction date, or had various injuries and accidents with a last hurrah.

Its not something you can say 'it'll never happen to me' because that, or worse, happens evens day.

D
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Old 12-01-2016, 03:19 PM
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Day 2 coming your way Marigold. You can do this. We're here for ya. Stay strong and screw alcoholism. It's a loosing battle.
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Old 12-01-2016, 04:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
I drank for 20 years or so,. I'd forgotten who the real me was.

I'd begun to think that drunken mess was the only me that had ever existed.

You can find yourself again Merigold - it all starts with a day one

^^^ This!!

I'm still in amazement at how I am discovering a new part of myself almost every day.
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Old 12-01-2016, 04:26 PM
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You have to be strict with yourself.
Even if you do rehab, you will have to return to your life and all it asks of you.

The next time you work from home, could you try to go an AA meeting or a SMART meeting?

Everyone is still allowed a lunch break when they work from home. You could go then maybe?

Or find one in the morning to go to and see if that helps you stay sober and not tempted to drink?

I would also say don't risk loosing your job over drink.
That could make everything worse.
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Old 12-02-2016, 12:28 AM
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Hi Guys! I made it through the night.

Had a very good sleep, first time in a long time I've fallen asleep as opposed to pass out. Plus I had an actual meal which I prepared, though I was very embarrassed and ashamed at the state of the kitchen. I've really let housekeeping go. Mr. Merigold works a lot of hours and I know he tries to keep it up but it's a two person job and I'm letting the team down.

I don't want to drink today. I want to get some things done. I want to eat.

I will not drink today.
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Old 12-02-2016, 12:54 AM
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Meri- with what you described (great honesty- that is so important) was me. Perhaps see about seeing a doctor. Cold turkey for me was very nasty- seizures, more falls etc. PJ
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