SeekingNewMe

I was doing incredibly well. Involved in groups, sober outings, feeling amazing. I think I had about 2 months sober. Night after the election went out with friend.. been drunk ever since up to last night. Back to sheer terror etc. Long story short the outcome of the election brought back history of sexual abuse I had pretty much not thought about in many years, dealt with at the time etc.

I'm back on the horse today. I have to be. Meeting tonight. I hope I don't just break down.

Thanks so much for being here.

-SNM

dox

I hope the meeting goes well for you, SNM.
My drinking effectively paved over a lot of experiences that I would have preferred to forget.
When I first stopped drinking and went to meetings, I often broke down and let it out.
It wasn't until working through the steps that I was able to put my past to rest.

The memories still crop up from time to time, but I don't have to drink on them.

Not saying that the steps will solve all your problems.
Some people need additional help, counselling, etc.
I'm just saying that the first coupla months without a sponsor were very difficult without my 'medicine'.

ScottFromWI

Glad you are back SeekingNewMe. I'm sorry you had to find out the hard way that even picking up one drink is never an option for us.

You do know what needs to happen though and you had 2 months sober so build on that. Hitting a meeting tonight sounds like a great idea too. Don't "hope" you don't break down ...make sure you don't. Remember, it's your choice..you get to decide if you are going to drink today or not.

Regarding your past and the abuse, i'm very sorry to hear that happened to you. Have you ever spoken to a therapist or counselor about it? Most of us have underlying issues we need to address once we get sober...they generally do not fix themselves.

D122y

Snm,

As you may not know, you have re primed your brain w booze.

It will take a week or so for the booze to clear out and then the brain damage will show through again. Only worse....they tell me.

Fear of permanent damage was a huge motivaor for me.

Don't wait until you are walking w a limp and can't talk clearly to quit. The brain damage at that point may be irreversible.

Think about it.

SeekingNewMe

Thanks for your replies and support, it means a great deal. Just to clarify, by break down I meant burst into tears, not drink. There's no way I will drink today.

Therapy - yes, probably will need to be an option. First I need to get sober again, drinking made everything a thousand times worse, as it always does.

Thanks again.
SNM

BrendaChenowyth

I HAD to explore my feelings surrounding my sexual abuse and all the things that happened because of it.

What helped me a lot was a book by Lisa A. Romano called The Road Back to Me. I stopped feeling like I was alone, I stopped being scared, I saw that it was possible to face the reality of abuse and recover.

Another one was Living Beyond Your Feelings by Joyce Myer, and this one is based on Biblical wisdom, which I think even if you're not in to that, wisdom is wisdom! Again, a survivor of sexual abuse spoke to me and taught me that I could LIVE beyond all of the feelings that trapped me in the pattern of self-medication with alcohol.

Codependent No More teaches how to recover your identity after a life time of really not having one, and this book deals with the issues of alcoholism, so it's a good one to check out.

I have one more I'm going to hopefully read before I go back to college, Rescuing The Inner Child: Therapy for Adult Sexually Abused as Children. Hello, I definitely need that.

I never could go to therapy sessions and sit and face another human being and talk about these things because of the shame we attach to them. We can however still objectify and study our own past experiences.. in understanding them, we can recover.

But I wouldn't have been capable of starting this journey had I not gotten sober. I just couldn't see anything clearly from a place of actively feeding an addiction.. You may have to withdraw, if you can, from the world around you that you're used to.. So that election party meant you exposed yourself to triggers. You'll have to make your healing process your priority if you're gonna do it.

I like your name, SeekingNewMe. I just found the Me that was there the whole time, she is pretty great.

SeekingNewMe

Thanks Brenda! I love your phrase about catching butterflies with a broomstick. I will look into those books.

waynetheking

I'm just glad you're back. That's a miracle in it of itself. Hang in there. Take it one day at a time.

Dee74

I'm glad you're back too SNM.

D

tomsteve

if its ok for me to break down and cry at a meeting, which ive done a few times, its ok for you to do it,too.

Stellar45

You are in a good place here. You can heal. I believe. 2 months sober shows that you can stay sober. That's great. We are pulling for you.