8 months sober i've become a bad person or it was hidden for alcohol?
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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8 months sober i've become a bad person or it was hidden for alcohol?
Hi, first, sorry for my english.
I'm 8 months sober and i feel like i'm another person, i mean, i was very calm, kind and a little emotional person, but since i stopped drinking i started to change, i've become very agressive, cold hearted and i really don't care about my friends anymore, not even the closest ones...
Anyone experienced that?
Can't remember exactly how was my personality before started drinking...
I'm 8 months sober and i feel like i'm another person, i mean, i was very calm, kind and a little emotional person, but since i stopped drinking i started to change, i've become very agressive, cold hearted and i really don't care about my friends anymore, not even the closest ones...
Anyone experienced that?
Can't remember exactly how was my personality before started drinking...
2/2016
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 582
I am 9 months sober. I would say for the first couple of months I was really angry. I caught myself being more pissed off. I recognized it. Counted to 10 , said wow you are angry to myself. I analyzed it instead of reacted to it. Hope that makes sense.
I am no longer angry, I went back to the calm person I was before, only now I am sober as well. To your point, I am more selfish in my recovery, I do still care about others, but the focus is definately on me. Everyone else is taking a backseat to my recovery. Taking care of myself, nurturing me. Loving myself.
Hope that helps. Good luck.
I am no longer angry, I went back to the calm person I was before, only now I am sober as well. To your point, I am more selfish in my recovery, I do still care about others, but the focus is definately on me. Everyone else is taking a backseat to my recovery. Taking care of myself, nurturing me. Loving myself.
Hope that helps. Good luck.
Last edited by HTown; 11-11-2016 at 06:22 PM. Reason: typos
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
First we get sober and then our character defects are exposed. It's common to see major changes when sobering up, some for better and some for worse. You will need to deal with the new you. This can take some time and will require patience.
MM
MM
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
I guess without a lot of detail from before and after, none of us can discern that...
In sobriety, I am very different. I do not connect with the same people as I did before. A lot of people that I thought were nice disgust me now. I can see human behavior as well as my own behavior more clearly and put it all in proper perspective.. I am a very strong person now, and can take a lot in stride that would bring others down (and me, previously) and during the transition to this I did feel like maybe I was COLD and shut down? I think it is just getting better at coping, my emotions don't get intense. Maybe we come to believe intense emotions are normal, I don't think they are at all. Drama is what we're used to and it's from intense focusing on negative feelings.. The aggression could be another mechanism of protection, or it could be that you found your backbone and won't take most nonsense anymore!
Is "having a backbone" an idiom you're familiar with? It's having guts, or fortitude.. You know who you are and won't compromise it, ever.
In sobriety, I am very different. I do not connect with the same people as I did before. A lot of people that I thought were nice disgust me now. I can see human behavior as well as my own behavior more clearly and put it all in proper perspective.. I am a very strong person now, and can take a lot in stride that would bring others down (and me, previously) and during the transition to this I did feel like maybe I was COLD and shut down? I think it is just getting better at coping, my emotions don't get intense. Maybe we come to believe intense emotions are normal, I don't think they are at all. Drama is what we're used to and it's from intense focusing on negative feelings.. The aggression could be another mechanism of protection, or it could be that you found your backbone and won't take most nonsense anymore!
Is "having a backbone" an idiom you're familiar with? It's having guts, or fortitude.. You know who you are and won't compromise it, ever.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi Blackoutfear
Sorry you're struggling like this.
My experience was precisely the opposite I'm afraid - after the initial ups and downs of early recovery I've been generally much nicer calmer and more adult human being....
do you have any previous history of depression or bi-polar?
I'm not for a minute diagnosing you....but at 9 months sober it could be good to rule both those things out?
D
Sorry you're struggling like this.
My experience was precisely the opposite I'm afraid - after the initial ups and downs of early recovery I've been generally much nicer calmer and more adult human being....
do you have any previous history of depression or bi-polar?
I'm not for a minute diagnosing you....but at 9 months sober it could be good to rule both those things out?
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I was Miss Angry for the first 6 or 7 months. Then I started to work on my recovery as well as staying sober and it became easier to be a person I like and respect (mostly ) and learn to forgive myself when I'm less than perfect.
What are you doing to for your recovery (dealing with the alcoholic thinking)? Perhaps there are some things that could be added in that might help.
What are you doing to for your recovery (dealing with the alcoholic thinking)? Perhaps there are some things that could be added in that might help.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
When I stopped drinking I was left with a lot of fear. The fear was around my instincts not being satisfied, which was the level of being I had been reduced to. I would not have known a genuine emotion if I fell over it. I thought I was a calm and kind person a lot of the time when I was drinking, but actually I was manipulative, trying to steer everything towards the satisfaction of my instincts.
This behaviour, of which I was completely unaware, continued into sobriety. Just not drinking did not fix it. And with the booze gone, I began to feel the dissapointment much more keenly when someone did not comply with my plans in some way. I had no idea about resentment when I first got sober, but b,oy I learned about it quick in the first few months in AA.
When I took the steps, step four helped me see where I was going wrong and how I was my own worst enemy. And solutions were found.
Had I not done that I have the feeling that the irritability would have kept building, pretty much as it says it will in the big book, until a drink once again looked attractive.
For the likes of me, stopping drinking was just the beginning. I can relate to that coldness you talk about too. It was an old tactic of mine that I could just shut down emotionally, and it probably came from the fact that the booze had ******** my emotional development. I sometimes try to employ that tactic even today, when I am having a wee tanty about something and not getting my own way. But years of practicing the AA program have made it impossible for me to sustain it. I always find myself prepared to make a quick amends and get onto the right track again.
This behaviour, of which I was completely unaware, continued into sobriety. Just not drinking did not fix it. And with the booze gone, I began to feel the dissapointment much more keenly when someone did not comply with my plans in some way. I had no idea about resentment when I first got sober, but b,oy I learned about it quick in the first few months in AA.
When I took the steps, step four helped me see where I was going wrong and how I was my own worst enemy. And solutions were found.
Had I not done that I have the feeling that the irritability would have kept building, pretty much as it says it will in the big book, until a drink once again looked attractive.
For the likes of me, stopping drinking was just the beginning. I can relate to that coldness you talk about too. It was an old tactic of mine that I could just shut down emotionally, and it probably came from the fact that the booze had ******** my emotional development. I sometimes try to employ that tactic even today, when I am having a wee tanty about something and not getting my own way. But years of practicing the AA program have made it impossible for me to sustain it. I always find myself prepared to make a quick amends and get onto the right track again.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
Sometimes I think "being a better person" holds too high of a standard, too much room to disappoint yourself.. You should try to be yourself, which is good enough.
I think it could be helpful to examine what aspects of your behavior still hurt other people. It might be okay for you to hold people at a distance right now.. but think if there's anything you do to others simply because it's been done to you.. Are you doing this out of spite, and who is it hurting, just them, or you, too?
If you come up with anything, understand that people who are hurting - have been hurt and are still dealing with the hurt - tend to try to deflect some of it on to other people, because they don't know what else to do with it. For me, to get rid of the shame I held on to, I had to look at the people who had hurt me and determine that everything they did to me, was because they had been hurt by someone in their life.. that they just like other humans, couldn't figure out what to do with the pain... and that the way I had responded, was to shut it all down, by drinking, because I didn't know what else to do with it.
A lot of us have parents who weren't emotionally available, and maybe were abusive. I think adult children of alcoholics sometimes never learn self-acceptance, and a lot of the resentment we feel towards the people around us is from feeling we are unlovable, because that was our programming.
I think it could be helpful to examine what aspects of your behavior still hurt other people. It might be okay for you to hold people at a distance right now.. but think if there's anything you do to others simply because it's been done to you.. Are you doing this out of spite, and who is it hurting, just them, or you, too?
If you come up with anything, understand that people who are hurting - have been hurt and are still dealing with the hurt - tend to try to deflect some of it on to other people, because they don't know what else to do with it. For me, to get rid of the shame I held on to, I had to look at the people who had hurt me and determine that everything they did to me, was because they had been hurt by someone in their life.. that they just like other humans, couldn't figure out what to do with the pain... and that the way I had responded, was to shut it all down, by drinking, because I didn't know what else to do with it.
A lot of us have parents who weren't emotionally available, and maybe were abusive. I think adult children of alcoholics sometimes never learn self-acceptance, and a lot of the resentment we feel towards the people around us is from feeling we are unlovable, because that was our programming.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 273
When you replace anger with drinking and being ashamed, I guess the anger goes away.
If you feel that you've become irritable, it's probably time to work on healthy coping skills. Take things a little less seriously, find safe places for yourself where you can calm down. Personality can push us a little one way or the other, but how we feel comes down to how we deal with things and what we do and don't let get under out skin. For lots of people it isn't easy, but then, quitting drinking wasn't easy either. You just have to be earnest about it and work toward what you want in yourself.
If you feel that you've become irritable, it's probably time to work on healthy coping skills. Take things a little less seriously, find safe places for yourself where you can calm down. Personality can push us a little one way or the other, but how we feel comes down to how we deal with things and what we do and don't let get under out skin. For lots of people it isn't easy, but then, quitting drinking wasn't easy either. You just have to be earnest about it and work toward what you want in yourself.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
Heh...sorry, but your post kinda made me chuckle. Yup, i've felt much the same way at times.
I'm 8 months too.....
I think my tolerance for other peoples bulls#it has reached a new level, and sometimes i let them know it, but i think the cold hearted behavior is a self defense mechanism. At least it is for me.
I know I'm generally "one of the good guys" .
I wasn't one of those "pink cloud" everything is right with the world type of newly sober types this time around.
After my last bender I felt like my soul was eaten up by a pack of wolves, s#it off a jagged cliff and stomped into a bloody barely recognizable mess and fed through a weed eater a couple dozen times.
If anything, i was the opposite of happy and joyous when i first got out of the hospital. I was jaded... tired ..cynical and just worn out. I still feel like that a lot.
that's OK. considering the war i was in with this illness. Fu%k...i'm lucky to be alive.
It takes time for your brain to heal. I've read it's still toxic well into your first year. you didn't get sick over night, getting well isn't going to be much faster.
it's all progress my friend.
I'm 8 months too.....
I think my tolerance for other peoples bulls#it has reached a new level, and sometimes i let them know it, but i think the cold hearted behavior is a self defense mechanism. At least it is for me.
I know I'm generally "one of the good guys" .
I wasn't one of those "pink cloud" everything is right with the world type of newly sober types this time around.
After my last bender I felt like my soul was eaten up by a pack of wolves, s#it off a jagged cliff and stomped into a bloody barely recognizable mess and fed through a weed eater a couple dozen times.
If anything, i was the opposite of happy and joyous when i first got out of the hospital. I was jaded... tired ..cynical and just worn out. I still feel like that a lot.
that's OK. considering the war i was in with this illness. Fu%k...i'm lucky to be alive.
It takes time for your brain to heal. I've read it's still toxic well into your first year. you didn't get sick over night, getting well isn't going to be much faster.
it's all progress my friend.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
So many times in sobriety I have been sick and tired of Bob but very grateful that at least with being sober I can make some changes here may take time as I'm learning baby steps sometimes. Nothing wrong with two steps forward and one step backward.
M-Bob
M-Bob
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manchester, UK
Posts: 1,111
Genuinely my experience of staying sober...for some seven years now...is one of growth and discovery. Some of which I didn't like.
I thought I was a pretty relaxed person. Some of that was denial. Some of it was supression/repression. Things have bubbled up since. But I have been able to deal with them.
I have grown a conscience too. Some of the ways I behaved in the past...I don't want to behave like that anymore. I'll be absolutely fine and then all of a sudden...something about me bugs me. So I get to deal with whatever comes up, as it comes up.
I've dealt with a lot of shame. Needlessly beating myself up and learning to be a little more compassionate. I've done a lot of learning. Dealing with life without the trusty old anaesthetic...so grief, anger, anxiety...all need to be dealt with in healthy and useful ways instead.
I've had to learn to be assertive...in a positive way. Not an aggressive or passive aggressive way. Like someone once said...people learning to be assertive should wear warning bibs, or learner plates to let the general public know that they are coming
But all of this OK. You're doing great. Many days just staying sober has been my crowning achievement...and everything else is just a lesson for tomorrow.
I'm not a better person. But I like me more. I get to be a human being, strengths and weaknesses, faults and foibles. What's not to like?
P
I thought I was a pretty relaxed person. Some of that was denial. Some of it was supression/repression. Things have bubbled up since. But I have been able to deal with them.
I have grown a conscience too. Some of the ways I behaved in the past...I don't want to behave like that anymore. I'll be absolutely fine and then all of a sudden...something about me bugs me. So I get to deal with whatever comes up, as it comes up.
I've dealt with a lot of shame. Needlessly beating myself up and learning to be a little more compassionate. I've done a lot of learning. Dealing with life without the trusty old anaesthetic...so grief, anger, anxiety...all need to be dealt with in healthy and useful ways instead.
I've had to learn to be assertive...in a positive way. Not an aggressive or passive aggressive way. Like someone once said...people learning to be assertive should wear warning bibs, or learner plates to let the general public know that they are coming
But all of this OK. You're doing great. Many days just staying sober has been my crowning achievement...and everything else is just a lesson for tomorrow.
I'm not a better person. But I like me more. I get to be a human being, strengths and weaknesses, faults and foibles. What's not to like?
P
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