Boleo

I recently received news that a young man who was considered the epitome of a success story within the fellowship I attend (not 12 step) passed away last weekend. The family did not hold any kind of a public service nor did they comment on what caused his death.

The irony of the story is that he was a model example of what an
A-student should look like in recovery circles. He went to rehab, he sought out a mentor, he attended meetings (7+ per week), he spoke of the actions he took to recover... In short, he did everything right.

However, I could not help but see one giant caveat in his recovery at least 6 months ago. He developed too fast. He had a plethora of admirers. He had several young women within the movement ask to meet him outside of meetings. He had a senior member find him a job. Not just any job, but the kind of job he was looking for before attending rehab. From all outside appearances, he was on the fast track to recovery. I could not help but sense that his recovery was happening too fast. Through no fault of his own (I am not blaming or criticizing him), he was becoming a bit of a celebrity.

While I generally don't believe in triggers, there is one trigger that IMO will bring a person down with even solid gold recovery (myself included) . Too much success,- too fast a success or too little struggle. The only clues that I have that his death was related to relapse was that he quit going to meetings about a month beforehand, his mentor said he quit showing up for work, his cell phone was no longer in service and his family had no clue where he was.

Just as a butterfly breaking out of it's cocoon, too much assistance or too little exertion will lead to death. The struggle of recovering is a critical component of long term recovery. In other words "No pain - no gain".

ScottFromWI

I understand what you are trying to say, but if the cause of death is unknown, how can you attribute any of this to his recovery or lack thereof?

Gilmer

That's an extremely astute observation.

JeffreyAK

I'm not sure how conclusions can be drawn with no explanation of death. Did he relapse? It sounds like you're assuming he did.

What harms one person's recovery, can help another. I don't think there are any absolutes, beyond "Don't drink" if you've become an addict.

Boleo

I know his mentor personally. He would not divulge very many details, but he started voicing concerns a month beforehand.

ScottFromWI

It's still quite a big assumption. And who's to say he wasn't struggling and working through some other method during that time? Just because his current mentor wasn't speaking with him that doesn't mean he wasn't speaking with someone else, or doing something else.

Comparing one's recovery to another is a dangerous thing.

Boleo

Those of us who have been around recovery for more than a decade have seen or heard of this sort of thing dozens (if not hundreds) of times. It is a classic example of relapse.

I don't know about you, but I myself can learn something from others mistakes and patterns.

Soberpotamus

It's my understanding that there is a significant number of alcoholics in recovery who, after a period of recovery, relapse and drink again, and then blow their brains out, take a bottle of pills, or go hang themselves. I don't know any personally, but I've heard and read about this.

What's the difference in the guy who had 30 years and this guy, Boleo? Aren't both dead after a supposed relapse?

Are you saying this is somehow worse than the guy who worked hard for sobriety for 30 years and ended up back at square 1?

Anna

Boleo, I that that comparing your recovery to other people's recovery is not a good idea. We are all individuals and we all recover in our own way and time frame. It's possible that this man relapsed, but it's also possible that he had an unrelated health issue that prevented him from going to meetings and caused him to distance himself from his family.

Boleo

Whenever I see someone get well extremely fast, I study them like a scientist because I want to know specifically what works and what doesn't work (aka Occam's Razor). On the other hand, whenever I see or her of someone relapsing with solid gold recovery (6 months or 6 decades - makes no difference), I also want to know what he or she did wrong. Call me curious, but that's how I am wired and I am not going to let skeptics deter my vicarious learning.

If this were just a single isolated incident, I could easily agree that nothing should be inferred from it. However, it is such a common anecdote among experienced members that it is now considered a classic pattern for relapse. And yes, I have seen it happen to members with MORE years than I have.

If you are the kind of person who will do, watch or hear about something happening dozens of times, over and over again, expecting different results - you should look up Einstein's definition of insanity.

Soberpotamus

It was a genuine curiosity and question I had. Was wondering if you were comparing fast and easy recovery with long and hard recovery, and suggesting that it's more dangerous to experience success without apparent suffering.

I was in no way implying you might not be touching on some truth.

Yankee73

I had too much success too fast and I'm STILL sober- to me it meant I was back on track... I don't feel that struggle is a "noble" thing; I know plenty of people "struggling" like crazy and keep relapsing... some "strugglers" are just martyrs...

Success too quickly or "struggling" does not indicate whether or not someone relapses, but then again, I keep my recovery to myself and don't do the whole AA thing where people can judge what I'm doing or not doing and drawing their own conclusions to make themselves feel superior...

Gilmer

Maybe he started his road to sobriety on a giant pink cloud that just kept reinforcing the glow with every early milestone reached.

Then the cloud dissipated and he didn't have a strong enough emotional base to stand firm.

It reminds me of the Gospel story of the man who built his house on sand. Though it looked impressive enough, when the storm came his house was entirely destroyed.

steve-in-kville

I had rounds with a church pastor about this and it didn't end well (long story). I would be of the "easy come, easy go" train of thought. The pink cloud has fooled me many a times!!

zjw

yeah the destination is great and all but the journey far better and far more important. heck I dunno if i'll ever get to the destination myself. I mean sure from many peoples views i'm there i did it but to me its all still just a work in progress.

MIRecovery

Humility always has and always will play a large roll in my recovery

awuh1

I have also seen some people with a relatively easy early recovery fall victim to moderate setbacks early on (assuming that's what happened). This could be the case in the example you provided, but it also might not. I can imagine any number of scenarios that might have taken place which could have resulted in the death.

I'd wait to learn more about the circumstances before drawing conclusions. There might be another lesson to be learned from these unfortunate circumstances and assuming too much might preclude that opportunity.

steve-in-kville

^^^ This.

Whenever I thought I had my addiction by the tail, was exactly when I relapsed over almost nothing.

Boleo

I am not saying "We must suffer to get well" (although it is one of the 4 paradox's mentioned in "The Professor and the Paradox" story from the Big Book 2nd Edition). When I used the word "TOO" in too much", I was using it as defined in a dictionary;

to a higher degree than is desirable, permissible, or possible; excessively.

We often talk about balance or maintaining a "right sized ego" in recovery. I have to admit that when I first saw people brag about how well they were doing in recovery, I applauded them. However, after seeing several of them relapse shortly after their "Mission Accomplished" proclamations, I started thinking to myself "Oh No - there goes the neighborhood". Many old-timers warned me of the same thing... "To much speed makes the train bounce off the track".

I know a lot of you here think that I am jumping to conclusions. I myself would have taken your side before I saw it happen with my own eyes several times in row. However, pattern recognition is something I was trained to look for in both my science classes and my Quality Control jobs. It takes long-term experience to recognize patterns that only occur once or twice a year.

I have thought long and hard about leaving ALL recovery fellowships due to too much negative feedback from short-sighted people and nay-sayers who think my caveats are superfluous. The #1 thing that keeps me connected with recovery groups is to gain more ability to recognize and avoid traps that I do not YET know about. Somethings can simply never be discerned without many years of honest fellowship sharing and hundreds of iterations of pattern recognition.

waynetheking

All great post, thank you guys!