Just called samaritans
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 103
Delilah, stupidity got me here tonight as it means i'm here for the foreseeable future. I didn't want to be here at all. SR is the last community I feel I have. Sure I've got family, but I have to face them every day and it's just not the same. I don't think my family understand addiction at all. All they say is "look at your father, he drinks all the time, that's why jimmyc drinks". They have absolutely no idea. It's not just about drink, it's about the person inside, the one I've grown to be, and to hate.
I thank you Delilah for your interest in my work-life, but I doubt it to be anything other than "a job". I wanted it to be, and i'm sure it will be a million times better than "unboxing wine, reboxing it, putting it on a conveyor belt" (kid you not, that was a job for all of one day before i noped). We will see, i start monday. No doubt I wasn't what they were looking for, rather, I was the best of a bad situation - They had 80 candidates apply for the same job who didn't actually know what they were doing. I don't know any where near what these guys need me to know, I told them that, I told them I'd need training, I told them I'm not going to be the finished article. But hey, they hired me, so lets give it a go right?
I'm alone right now. I don't want to get family in on this. When I do get them in, it's too much. It's way too intrusive on my private life that I can't talk to them about anything. I live in the same house, and pouring your life out to someone, even if it is your mother, is too much. Thanks for your concern.
I thank you Delilah for your interest in my work-life, but I doubt it to be anything other than "a job". I wanted it to be, and i'm sure it will be a million times better than "unboxing wine, reboxing it, putting it on a conveyor belt" (kid you not, that was a job for all of one day before i noped). We will see, i start monday. No doubt I wasn't what they were looking for, rather, I was the best of a bad situation - They had 80 candidates apply for the same job who didn't actually know what they were doing. I don't know any where near what these guys need me to know, I told them that, I told them I'd need training, I told them I'm not going to be the finished article. But hey, they hired me, so lets give it a go right?
I'm alone right now. I don't want to get family in on this. When I do get them in, it's too much. It's way too intrusive on my private life that I can't talk to them about anything. I live in the same house, and pouring your life out to someone, even if it is your mother, is too much. Thanks for your concern.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Originally Posted by jimmyc 
"Destined to be gone early" is a powerful feeling none-the-less. I am thinking as clearly as I can. I was sober nearly 50 days before my slip and I still didn't really feel any better, just in a "clear" mind, i thought posting depressive stuff isn't helping anybody, so i didn't post. I have a problem. Life is my problem. Every damn turn seems to throw something up for me. No doubt my new job on monday will see me out in a few weeks as i'm not capable. That's all I see. I mean, I'll show up and do my best, but I ask you await my post about losing another job. I know I need help, but I don't think the help is there. I can't have a counsellor, a guardian angel around me 24/7, it doesn't work like that, yet, I feel the only way I will, at least, remain on this planet, is to have exactly that. I can't trust myself. How much worse does it get than not trusting yourself? I couldn't even trust myself to throw me off a bridge. How simple would that have been? By the way, I hope everyone acknowledges my English. The amount of people these days who I see say "WOULD OF"...... christ....
Those words ran a merry go round through my head exactly as you put them. I'd had enough. I could do no more. I took all the medication I possibly could, chased it with booze, drove myself deep into the back roads until I lost consciousness.
My ex followed a hunch with a cop at his heels and found me before it was too late after I had sent my good bye text.
I'm still here. You're still here. If we don't know the reason for that then we either have to find one or make one. It is up to us to decide.
The fact you're here posting means you're not really ready to go. You just don't know how to cope with life. You're not alone. Keep reaching out. I've been looking for the end my whole life and I've been hospitalized for attempts or ideation many times. We are all worth so much more than that.
Right now might feel like crap and scary and the end seems like the relief a drink used to bring us. But there is good, healthy safe relief to be found and had. We just have to work hard at it.
Sometimes we get so stuck looking at one crappy tree that we can't see the whole forest.
There is ALWAYS hope as long as there is breath.
Hang in there k? I'm pretty grateful to be alive today. And yes I still think wryly or morbidly sometimes that I can't do anything right.... including ending my own life. But I'm glad I'm here. And I hope you stick around too
it does get better. It can get better. It will get better if you don't give up on yourself.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 103
I don't think there is a reason at all. I think this is evolution playing on our simpleton minds. Sometimes there just isn't a place for people like me. Evolution will cast me out, and you know what? I'm quite happy with that. If i have to go for the greater good, i'm glad to do my part. I really am ready to go. I don't see what else is out there. As i say, sobriety or not.... what next?? We're born, we live, we die. Sorry if i'm bringing anyone down but those are my thoughts. That tree is the forest I'm afraid. There are no good trees to look at, know what I mean? I'm not grateful to be alive. I would feel no different alive nor dead.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Those were my thoughts at the time too Jimmy. I truly believed that the world would be better off without me so there was no sense in me trying to find a way or trying to learn how to cope. I've woken up twice angry because I couldn't get the job done right. And still manage to come back and find a purpose.
We're born, we live, we die, that's true... but everything in between that is up to us for the most part, in how we act or react.
Take a day Jimmy, talk to someone please? Even if you want to just talk to me. I have been in your shoes over and over again and I still find a way of bouncing back. It's no rainbows and unicorns in my life. But I am here anytime if you want to talk. You won't convince anyone here that you going is for the greater good, because it is simply not true. It's your own AV (if you're drinking) and for me it was often coupled with the demons that have always lived inside my head telling us this stuff. It's not true. People care about you and you do matter. Stop kidding yourself. And you do care... because as I said, you keep posting, and that's great.
We're born, we live, we die, that's true... but everything in between that is up to us for the most part, in how we act or react.
Take a day Jimmy, talk to someone please? Even if you want to just talk to me. I have been in your shoes over and over again and I still find a way of bouncing back. It's no rainbows and unicorns in my life. But I am here anytime if you want to talk. You won't convince anyone here that you going is for the greater good, because it is simply not true. It's your own AV (if you're drinking) and for me it was often coupled with the demons that have always lived inside my head telling us this stuff. It's not true. People care about you and you do matter. Stop kidding yourself. And you do care... because as I said, you keep posting, and that's great.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 103
I've got a song for how i'm feeling right now, if anyone cares to listen, but i'll share it anyway - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-qQ_brIsfY . I feel like this at the moment.
It's up to us to do what exactly? Make a purpose of ourselves? What next? Delizadee I'd appreciate a PM. The difference this time is there is no AV, it's me sober. I know my AV, well, I used to know it well, but the last good few weeks he's been real quiet. When I'm sober there's no stopping me, there's no convincing me to drink at all, even when i'm at the pub with the old man. The voice within is "me". There's not a lot I can do to keep that bastard under control. I know people care about me, but the simple fact is, I just don't care about myself. As I said, we're born, we live, we die. Sure family will be upset, but they'll get over it. What next??
It's up to us to do what exactly? Make a purpose of ourselves? What next? Delizadee I'd appreciate a PM. The difference this time is there is no AV, it's me sober. I know my AV, well, I used to know it well, but the last good few weeks he's been real quiet. When I'm sober there's no stopping me, there's no convincing me to drink at all, even when i'm at the pub with the old man. The voice within is "me". There's not a lot I can do to keep that bastard under control. I know people care about me, but the simple fact is, I just don't care about myself. As I said, we're born, we live, we die. Sure family will be upset, but they'll get over it. What next??
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by jimmyc
By the way, I hope everyone acknowledges my English. The amount of people these days who I see say "WOULD OF"...... christ....
Let's get it together, people.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Derbyshire Dales, UK.
Posts: 2,618
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Derbyshire Dales, UK.
Posts: 2,618
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC
Yeah, that pisses me off too. "Could of?" What does that even mean? It's could have, should have or would have.
Let's get it together, people.
Let's get it together, people.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
The day I started mixing up my there/they're/their I knew I was in trouble.
I had a French teacher from France who spoke very fluent albeit heavily accented English and it would drive her batty to see it written out "could of, should of, would of"... and I always found it so funny her correcting students "Eet's I COULD 'AVE! Not COULD OF!"
I sent ya a pm Jimmy
I had a French teacher from France who spoke very fluent albeit heavily accented English and it would drive her batty to see it written out "could of, should of, would of"... and I always found it so funny her correcting students "Eet's I COULD 'AVE! Not COULD OF!"
I sent ya a pm Jimmy
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Hi Jimmy,
Just checking in to see how you are doing. If you were selected from a pool of 80 applicants they definitely saw something in you.
Now I am watching my grammar!!
Are you off until you start your new job? Do you have anything planned for the next few days?
Just checking in to see how you are doing. If you were selected from a pool of 80 applicants they definitely saw something in you.
Now I am watching my grammar!!
Are you off until you start your new job? Do you have anything planned for the next few days?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: London
Posts: 512
Oh Jimmy, I cannot tell you how much your posts sadden me, you remind me of my brother who died from this illness at the age of 32. All he would say for the last two years of his life was "black box for me" and he made sure of that.
You say your family will get over it if you go... Let me tell you this, they never get over it, my father had a massive stroke 6 months later and my mother turned to the bottle and that's when I began my journey into alcoholism, one glass a night just to ease the grief and so it went on...
I wish I could infuse you with the gift of life, I wish I could convince you that you matter, you matter enormously to the people who love you. Please believe in yourself and please allow people to help you.
Elle
You say your family will get over it if you go... Let me tell you this, they never get over it, my father had a massive stroke 6 months later and my mother turned to the bottle and that's when I began my journey into alcoholism, one glass a night just to ease the grief and so it went on...
I wish I could infuse you with the gift of life, I wish I could convince you that you matter, you matter enormously to the people who love you. Please believe in yourself and please allow people to help you.
Elle
Catch 22
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: South Africa
Posts: 327
Jimmy evolution is not about survival of the fittest. It is about survival of the most adaptable. Sometimes the weak are especially more adaptable to turmoil. Your grammar perfectionism is commendable. English is not my mother tongue but I try my best to keep up standards. Do you like reading? I assume so. Sometimes when life is just a bore losing oneself in literature can be liberating. All of us here struggle. You are not alone, if that thought helps a bit.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Elle, im sorry you went though that and also agree with you.
i was dating a woman whose( did i use the right whose here???LOLO) brother was a chronic alcoholic. it was my first experience seeing up close DT's and wet brain.
but what i remember most is the effect on the family after he died- there was a LOT of pain and sorrow. so much," if only i had done....."
and a LOT of blame. this person blamed that person,the other person blamed that one.
it was truly saddening.
yes, we are born,live, and die.
HOWEVER
being drunk all the time i wasnt living.
just existing. and it wasnt fun.
then i got sober and learned how to live. its been a great experience.
its been a blessing to have lived 2 different lives- one exisiting in gloom,dispair,and agony, and one happy,joyous,and free.
i was dating a woman whose( did i use the right whose here???LOLO) brother was a chronic alcoholic. it was my first experience seeing up close DT's and wet brain.
but what i remember most is the effect on the family after he died- there was a LOT of pain and sorrow. so much," if only i had done....."
and a LOT of blame. this person blamed that person,the other person blamed that one.
it was truly saddening.
yes, we are born,live, and die.
HOWEVER
being drunk all the time i wasnt living.
just existing. and it wasnt fun.
then i got sober and learned how to live. its been a great experience.
its been a blessing to have lived 2 different lives- one exisiting in gloom,dispair,and agony, and one happy,joyous,and free.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,601
I've been there. I called the Samaritans in April of 2015. Hung up the phone and jumped into a reservoir. I was intoxicated and the person on the other line had alerted the police who fished me out and brought me to the ER where I was sectioned. I am 15 months sober now and while I have bad days still, the good days are more frequent and life is much better. Today I was pinching myself...like..am I really sober and happy? Yes, yes, I am! I never, in a million years, thought this was possible. I am so grateful I was pulled back from the brink of death. I'm so grateful.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1
Jimmy, I listened to song you posted from youtube
Jimmy,
First of all I want to say HANG ON, THIS TO SHALL PASS. I have read all the responses to your posts and agree to the great insight and advice the other members have given you. I would say the same things but they have been said, and said well. So I will despense my advice differently. I watched the video a few times and surprised with how much I liked it. Jimmy, use this song to tell off the negative thoughts that are right now invading your mind. Just by what you've posted and that you use music as a way of expression, tells me your are an unconventional, artistic, deep thinker as I am. Sometimes that can be hard to handle because we give alot of value to thoughts, our own, others and in music, film and words written from all kinds, whether a post on a forum to an email, all the way to works of literature. But what I've found is to use it to your advantage. The fact that your post seem so desperate last night tells me that maybe you viewed this video is desperate and hopeless, bound. I didnt hear that. I heard a primal desire to overcome despair. "Even in these chains you cant stop me!!!" I would direct that to my alcoholism, to the paralyzing thoughts I feel, to the demon of depression. Overcome these negative destructive thoughts. Everytime one creeps up give it the big middle finger anyway you can find. Each time you do and keep moving forward, I believe you gain a bit more power over them and grow stronger. Trust and believe what we on this site are telling you. We know, we have been there, and now we are better, or at least trying to be. Still we are all in different stages. Some have a longer road in front of them, some have 20 plus years of sobriety but we are started out the same, despairing, wanting change. To someone on day 2, day 30 seems a million miles away. Take a step forward and trust what you have read in these replies to you. As hard as it is, trust that over what your head is saying in this dark time. I once heard this analogy from a famous Dr. That has pinned many best sellers and is a pilot. Relating to trust. He said he was an instrumental pilot, which means when he is in a storm, or clouds, or fog he has to trust what the instruments are telling him to do instead of relying on his senses that are telling him he is in a barrel roll or plunging downward. Its not easy to do, to trust the instruments, but that is what an instrumental pilot has to do when they lose sight in the cockpit. More than once he said he walked away alive because he trusted those instruments. When he used this analogy he was addressing a lady that really felt hopeless and he asked if she would allow him to be the person she would trust to tell her how it really was and take his advice on the steps she needed to take to recover. To be the instrument panel to trust instead of the despairing and hopelessness she was feeling. Hope that made sense.
JUST HOLD, THIS TOO SHALL PASS!!! TRUST THAT.
Hope this didnt bore you, like I said words are important to me also, but I have been told I have to much **** to say. I always reply with "so does Bruce Springsteen, and he is doing alright with it"
First of all I want to say HANG ON, THIS TO SHALL PASS. I have read all the responses to your posts and agree to the great insight and advice the other members have given you. I would say the same things but they have been said, and said well. So I will despense my advice differently. I watched the video a few times and surprised with how much I liked it. Jimmy, use this song to tell off the negative thoughts that are right now invading your mind. Just by what you've posted and that you use music as a way of expression, tells me your are an unconventional, artistic, deep thinker as I am. Sometimes that can be hard to handle because we give alot of value to thoughts, our own, others and in music, film and words written from all kinds, whether a post on a forum to an email, all the way to works of literature. But what I've found is to use it to your advantage. The fact that your post seem so desperate last night tells me that maybe you viewed this video is desperate and hopeless, bound. I didnt hear that. I heard a primal desire to overcome despair. "Even in these chains you cant stop me!!!" I would direct that to my alcoholism, to the paralyzing thoughts I feel, to the demon of depression. Overcome these negative destructive thoughts. Everytime one creeps up give it the big middle finger anyway you can find. Each time you do and keep moving forward, I believe you gain a bit more power over them and grow stronger. Trust and believe what we on this site are telling you. We know, we have been there, and now we are better, or at least trying to be. Still we are all in different stages. Some have a longer road in front of them, some have 20 plus years of sobriety but we are started out the same, despairing, wanting change. To someone on day 2, day 30 seems a million miles away. Take a step forward and trust what you have read in these replies to you. As hard as it is, trust that over what your head is saying in this dark time. I once heard this analogy from a famous Dr. That has pinned many best sellers and is a pilot. Relating to trust. He said he was an instrumental pilot, which means when he is in a storm, or clouds, or fog he has to trust what the instruments are telling him to do instead of relying on his senses that are telling him he is in a barrel roll or plunging downward. Its not easy to do, to trust the instruments, but that is what an instrumental pilot has to do when they lose sight in the cockpit. More than once he said he walked away alive because he trusted those instruments. When he used this analogy he was addressing a lady that really felt hopeless and he asked if she would allow him to be the person she would trust to tell her how it really was and take his advice on the steps she needed to take to recover. To be the instrument panel to trust instead of the despairing and hopelessness she was feeling. Hope that made sense.
JUST HOLD, THIS TOO SHALL PASS!!! TRUST THAT.
Hope this didnt bore you, like I said words are important to me also, but I have been told I have to much **** to say. I always reply with "so does Bruce Springsteen, and he is doing alright with it"
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Hi Jimmy,
It's Friday night and I just wanted to check in to see how you are doing. I know you start your new job on Monday, I hope you are feeling a little better.
Please check in when you get a chance.
❤️ Delilah
It's Friday night and I just wanted to check in to see how you are doing. I know you start your new job on Monday, I hope you are feeling a little better.
Please check in when you get a chance.
❤️ Delilah
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