jimmyc

Found myself at the wrong side of the railway bridge. This time, I was dead serious. I've been sober for a week since my relapse. I know I've got my sobriety (haha, yeah, this far), I know i've got my life ahead of me. What more can people tell me that I don't already know. Why can't I act on peoples' advice. Why can't I just be a normal person. Why me. I feel like I don't belong on this planet. Society weeds out the weak.

Anna

I'm so glad you called for help. I hope that you can be referred to a dr or therapist who can help you through this depression. I am sending you hugs and good thoughts.

fini

yes, i'm glad to hear you made the call.
it is not weakness, but ill health.
chances are, it can improve and you can get better.
glad you came back from that side of the bridge.

jimmyc

Thanks anna. Don't know why I called, I should've left my phone at home. Don't know what a doctor or counsellor can do now. There's nothing I haven't heard that anyone can tell me. There is no help for me. It's going to happen sooner or later.

Dee74

Here are some more numbers and links that might be of use Jimmy

CALM, the campaign against living miserably
Helpline – Nationwide
Call 0800 58 58 58

Our national helpline is open 7 days a week, 5pm to midnight. Callers can talk through any issue, we’ll listen and offer information and signposting. Calls are anonymous & confidential and won’t show up on your phone bill. Calls are free from landlines, payphones and O2, Orange, Virgin & Vodafone mobile networks. Other mobile networks and supermarket brand sims may charge.


Papyrus:
Call HOPELineUK 0800 068 41 41

or email: [email protected] *

or text: 07786 209697* *You do not have to give your name or whereabouts.

Samaritans Call 116 123 (free to call)

maybe a meeting based recovery group like AA, SMART Recovery or LifeRing could help too? You'd have real people to connect with?

D

Dee74

I thought that too. I thought my life would never change for the better and I was convinced that the pain sadness and the thoughts I was having would never go away.

That was 25 years ago.

Things did change for the better, and those thoughts did leave me - counselling was actually very beneficial for me, even when it hadn't been before.

I'm so glad I didn't make a lifetime decision on the way I was feeling those days.

I really hope you'll keep reaching out and asking for help.

I believe you have as much right to a long and happy fulfilled life as anyone else here Jimmy

Fight for your life. You're worth the effort.

D

jimmyc

Thanks fini, might be ill health, but why me. My mum said to me the other day "you need to change mindset that makes your mouth turn upside down". Yeah ok i'll just change my mindset... Thanks Dee for your numbers. I tried SMART - Found it to be a completely depressive pool of shame and weakness. Everyone spills their feelings out, and that's it. Nothing constructive to pick anyone up again. I stopped going to that useless meeting. I'd try AA but I cannot unhinge the whole "higher power". There is no higher power. There is just us. We're born, we live, we die. That's it, light's out after that, game over. You'll probably ask why don't I just give it a shot if I have nothing to lose? I can't engage in something that asks me to look to "belief" for help. I don't believe in anything. Not for every drop of rain that falls a flower grows, nor for the belief that somewhere in the darkest night a candle glows. I really feel like i'm done. edit quote from song i'm listening to now.

ScottFromWI

Please call one of the numbers Dee listed or emergency services directly Jimmy. There is a good way out of your predicament, you just need to let others help you right now.

jimmyc

I don't need it, Scott. I'm done. I'm wasted. I'm completely finished. If I can't turn things around now (despite the 100% i've been putting in to turn it around), then i'm destined to be gone early. I've let others help me since I turned 18. That deadly "adult" age. What can anyone do to actually help me, that I haven't already tried before??

awuh1

I've been where you are now. In a place without hope. I've been so depressed that I felt like I was moving through jello, not through air. One thing that helped at that point was the knowledge that I was suffering from a severe depression, and that it would not last forever. It took therapy medication exercise and time for that awful condition to eventually lift, but it did.

Then I needed to do the maintenance to make sure it was addressed when it started to show itself.

There IS help out there.

graced333

Hi - seven months ago, I felt your words expressed here. One evening I woke as if from a dream. No higher power, everyone was pretty much done with old me. I called a rehab and showed up. I've kept showing up for myself since and each day gets better without the cloud of booze and benzos. YOU can show up for yourself too.

jimmyc

I can't say I've been much better without "booze" (what, are we giving this **** a nickname??). I don't want to acknowledge anything other than I'm finished. I've given it a good go for nearly 24 years, but nothing's really been anything to shout about. I've a 5 page word document capturing my feelings and thoughts over the years, and let me tell you, out of those 5 pages, there's not one paragraph worth of "good" things. Parents fighting, divorce, bullying, underachieving, jobless, look at me now, just a scummy alcoholic. I've done my best to show up. The places I show up aren't open when I'm available, and they're available when I'm not. Go figure. I think in a matter of weeks this forum will lose a member. I just can't see it any other way. Ok fine, so I go for "treatment" (like I have before) - I get referred for counselling and get prescribed a million pounds worth of medication. I've done it before. It's not a route I'm going to take again. I'm not wasting anyone's time any longer. I'll be here for as long as I'm here, and when I stop posting.... Well you guessed it.

ScottFromWI

There is no such thing as "destined to be gone early". You aren't thinking clearly at this point, and it's no ones "fault"...especially not yours. You just have a problem to deal with and the way to get started is to call for help. The fact that you are here debating the matter is proof that part of you knows what to do.

Dee74

Jimmy if you're like me you drank for years - unless you've given your recovery at least a year I don't think you can really say it hasn't worked.

It took me that long for my head to clear from the poison I'd been ingesting, to fix up the mess I'd left behind me, and to find the right people to help me.

A year to fix up the past 40 years was a pretty good deal.

You're pretty insistent this is the best its going to get - but If you're still drinking or only recently stopped, can you honestly say you know that for sure?

Give recovery and yourself a chance Jimmy.

D

jimmyc

"Destined to be gone early" is a powerful feeling none-the-less. I am thinking as clearly as I can. I was sober nearly 50 days before my slip and I still didn't really feel any better, just in a "clear" mind, i thought posting depressive stuff isn't helping anybody, so i didn't post. I have a problem. Life is my problem. Every damn turn seems to throw something up for me. No doubt my new job on monday will see me out in a few weeks as i'm not capable. That's all I see. I mean, I'll show up and do my best, but I ask you await my post about losing another job. I know I need help, but I don't think the help is there. I can't have a counsellor, a guardian angel around me 24/7, it doesn't work like that, yet, I feel the only way I will, at least, remain on this planet, is to have exactly that. I can't trust myself. How much worse does it get than not trusting yourself? I couldn't even trust myself to throw me off a bridge. How simple would that have been? By the way, I hope everyone acknowledges my English. The amount of people these days who I see say "WOULD OF"...... christ....

Dee74

I wish sobriety was a magic wand Jimmy but it just doesn't work that way.
The bottle teaches us everything that's not instant gratification is no good,but that's just not true.

You have to work at sobriety a little, for a while - it's an effort to stay sober...just as we worked hard at staying drunk.

D

jimmyc

Dee, it either works or it doesn't. Yeah we're going to slip and what not, but there's a clear way to see if people are going to make it or not. I mean there are statistics out there. Something like 80% relapse within their first year. Not good reading. I just can't be bothered with it any longer. I'm completely owned by this **** - If it was going to work, it would've worked first time. This is coming from an engineer who knows logic. I also 'get' emotions - Don't tell me I don't know what emotions are after 10 years, at least, of similar **** to this. As I said, Dee, I've been stopped since I slipped last week. I can stop, but I can't stop for long. Who the **** is stopping me from just doing it again? No one right?? Exactly. I'm not having a go at all, please don't get me wrong, I'm just trying to get my feelings out. No one is stopping me from doing it again "but me". I don't trust me, therefore I don't even trust my life on this earth any longer. Sooner or later something will come along and that'll be it.

graced333

Here for you.

Dee74

Jimmy I stopped and started drinking again every week or multiple times in a week for 15 years.

I'm really not just blowing smoke here.

You can stay sober and life will get better - you might need more support, you might need to make more changes in your life.

You certainly need some counselling or medical help to help you deal with the suicidal ideations...but I really believe you can be sober just like the rest of us.

You've already proven that you can be sober - what you need to do now is work out what it will take for you to make that a long term change.

D

Delilah1

Hi Jimmy,

I am really glad to see you on here tonight. Something inside of you got yourself home safely today, and you came here. I know we are a virtual community, but a very caring one.

I really enjoy reading your posts. I am excited to hear about your new job, and I hope it will be one you enjoy, and if it isn't I hope it is the stepping stone to another position somewhere else.

Are you with anyone else right now? Have you given a call to any of the numbers Dee posted? I will be checking in throughout the night and each day to see how you are doing.

❤️Delilah