venuscat

Hmm Calitano...I need to look that up...actually...here is the whole list.
(And you guys all seem to match, so maybe I am in the wrong thread. )

PERSONALITY TYPES READ ABOUT OUR THEORY

Soberpotamus

Yeah, Suze... I was thinking you seem like an E not an I. And you do seem predominantly F.

Oh well, all types welcome

Too many I's wouldn't be any fun.

fantail

I'm ENFP! Right on the line with the E/I though.

Cross-gender friendship... maybe it's not a regional thing then. But it's definitely not true of all people! I'm old enough to be able to tell a friend from someone carrying a torch. Every friend group I've ever been a part of has been completely gender-mixed. If every one of my guy friends is secretly trying to get with me, then they are also secretly trying to get with all of our mutual female friends, and so on and so forth... it's just not true that all men are that way. I know some of these people very, very well.

Soberpotamus

I wasn't saying all men are that way, Fantail. I was saying that's been my experience. I wish it had been otherwise.

fantail

Yeah, I know. Sorry I guess I respond that way because the thought depresses me. At least in this instance you're totally right. The guy has been texting me all day. Oh well, so much for that.

I had a drinking dream last night, first one in a long time. It worried me because the feeling in the dream wasn't "oh no, what am I doing", it was "I have to keep this a secret because everyone will freak out, but really this isn't going that badly". Not a good thing. I need to figure out a way to tap back into my healthy fear of alcohol. There's a Buddhist recovery group I might try out this week.

venuscat

I know those dreams are awful fantail, but I look at them as a positive thing.

For a start, we didn't drink.
And I'm ALWAYS doing something incredibly sneaky and usually illegal in these dreams, and going out of my way to make sure I don't get caught. So who is THAT woman??? She is who I used to be. The dreams are a reminder that she is gone, and that I need to work more on who I am now. Like you'r doing. Like we're all doing. ♥

The Buddhist recovery group sounds awesome; wish I could come with you.

fantail

Yeah, in the dream I was traveling with a group of people and I had little vodka bottles hidden in my luggage. The whole dream while other things were going on I was trying to find ways to sneak off and have sips.

My good friend is in town and I think maybe it's because I do miss drinking with her. I love hanging out with her sober, it's not like the friendship suffers at all for my sobriety. She dated a sober guy for years, she knows the drill. But I do miss those once-in-a-blue-moon happy-with-friends drunken nights sometimes. I guess the dream helped to remind me what my drinking is really like 90% of the time.

fantail

Also S, if you're still coming to the US you can come to the Buddhist group with me (if it's any good and I keep going)!

venuscat

I am....time to start working out details with you and J and some others here.

I will have end of Oct - Nov 21 to play with east-coast wise. And maybe even a tiny bit of Canada.

Hawkeye13

I miss "Mimosa Sundays" and my old friends, all drinkers, whom I
don't see anymore as me sober with them drinking just isn't any fun
for either of us.

That's what it is, I guess.
Hard to make new friends when you're over 50 in a smaller town.
Big part is just not having the energy to do it.

But I'd rather be sober no matter what--it has its own rewards.
That 90% of drinking you mention was hellish, and the 10% not all that good.

Soberpotamus

Fantail, last night I had a drinking dream. I hardly ever have them. I was drinking liquor, which was never my drink of choice. So strange.

I didnt wake up upset. There was relief though.

fantail

Hawkeye, yes. It was 10% nice-enough, 90% pure emotional hell. The balance doesn't work out. I admire your strength in your situation.

Today my friend told me how proud of me she is and we had probably the most honest conversation I've had with anyone about my drinking. Not much, I'm pretty close to the vest about it. But we talked about alcoholism and AA and lifestyle choices... all things I never admit to knowing anything about in most company. It was really nice. This conversation was had in the midst of a 6-hour bike ride. All together it made me very grateful for her friendship.

J, I'm sorry you had the dreams too but glad it wasn't too jarring. I also wasn't usually a liquor person (although I would when "necessary") but in dreams it's always me sneaking liquor from my purse. I guess because that's the lowest I got. I guess that's a good sign, that my subconscious is still trying to keep me aware of the worst case rather than best case scenario.

venuscat

Did you say 6-hour bike ride? Wo....that is some kind of impressive fantail.
Glad you had a wonderful conversation with your friend, and I'm very proud of you too.

Hugs J. ♥

Soberpotamus

Oh, the dream wasnt upsetting at all. As soon as I realized it was a dream i shrugged it off. No probs.

One interesting thing about sustained sobriety for me is no more bad dreams.

GroundhogDay

I had a bad dream early last week. I know exactly what brought it on--stress about a work deadline before the weekend. It reminded me of the bad dreams I had early in sobriety.

venuscat

I find the same thing....at almost (Oct) 2 years, my smoking dreams are gone. I was addicted to grass for years before I ever picked up a drink.

Glad your dream didn't upset you Jennie love.

Hello GD love. Hope the stress is behind you now. ♥

Soberpotamus

You guys, I'm struggling to find solitude in my marriage. It's getting to the point I can hardly stand the sight and sound of him. Maybe it's my particular marriage and not common to all? I know my need for solitude is great; I'm just wired this way. I need lots of time to think and read and write. But after I'm done, I am ready to interact with the world again ... just seems that he can't 'get' that I'm on a schedule. He tries to draw me out to interact and it infuriates me when I'm in the middle of something (usually, reading or writing). And if I have to yell out, 'Hey, I'm busy doing ... x' then it's already broken my concentration.

Is everyone's spouse this clingy and needy? Or am I experiencing normal behavior from him as excessive?

Very interested in thoughts from you married folk.

EndGameNYC

I don't know. Divorced folk also accumulate a lot of knowledge and experience, if not also wisdom.

If working this through together doesn't bring desired results, and if you can manage it, couples therapy might be the way to go.

I don't know whether or not this is a warning for you, or for anyone else, or an enticement, but in my experience, couples tend to reveal other things about their partners and about their relationships generally, about which they are dissatisfied or resentful, when they're in a safe (or safer) place to do so.

It's at this point that most couples stop coming to therapy and, again, in my experience, it's generally the male who refuses to continue when this happens. I have some theories as to why this is so, and based on some pretty substantial experience, but that's for another time and place. Though I will say that the uncovering of unknown or unacknowledged conflicts or problems is what keeps most people away from psychotherapy generally.

Speaking up safe places, I read what was then to me an excellent book that is intended for both professionals and laypeople about the process of psychotherapy. A Safe Place: Laying the Groundwork of Psychotherapyby Leston Havens. It isn't at all dated, in my opinion, and continues to carry currency within psychology and psychiatry.

Avoid.Conflict.jpg

Anna

Jennie, I've been married for a long time. Like you, I crave and need solitude and suffer when I miss it for very long. I need time to think, read, write and process. My husband is not clingy or needy and gives me space, though we do a lot of things together. Does your husband understand when you need to be alone, specifically, and when you are ready to interact again? Maybe if you could be specific with him, he would be able to be patient. For example, we are always in the habit of long walks together in the evening and in the afternoon, if he is home at that time. It's kind of an understanding that we will chat and share at those times for sure. We have fairly regular meal times and there is always interaction at those times, too.

Gilmer

I also like a lot of quiet, uninterrupted time by myself.

My husband is not needy, per se, but very expressive, and thus talkative. As Anna said, it is good to make clear that you need time by yourself--it's nothing personal, it's just the way you're built. Encourage him to develop friendships with other guys and get together with them once in awhile. My husband likes to smoke cigars with his buddies (I realize, though, that cigars are not everybody's cup of tea!).

It is important to ensure that the one you have committed to spend your life with gets his fair share of your undivided attention. Anna mentioned mealtimes and walks--my husband and I call that "date night." We dedicate a whole evening to each other at least once a week. It doesn't have to be expensive.

Even a half hour of undivided attention with an unhurried and congenial attitude can go a long way toward solving the problem. Resist the temptation to fidget and look at your watch!

Sooner than you think you'll be looking forward to hanging out with him.