Big Life Changes Support Group Part 2
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
We used to do date night. We occasionally walk or bike or kayak together. We tend to eat meals separately (embarrassing to admit, I sit at the desk in front of a screen or in front of a book of Kindle). Not always, though.
And, yep, we've even been to couples therapy ... once! Lol. I convinced him to go and it was a disaster. He says never again. You're absolutely right about that, EndGame. And from other conversations I've had with women, I gather it's definitely some kind of phenomenon. Lol.
Great suggestions, ladies (and gentleman). I will reevaluate our day-to-day lives and schedules and see where I can tweak some changes.
Our communication is pretty good, or at least, OK. I prompt him to discuss our issues. And I must admit, I can be a tyrant. I am not always fair about things. The therapist said I should've been an attorney, at which point I laughed, and yet, she was right about my approach and demeanor that day -- I skewered him in her presence with logic, and with accusations. I kind of blew up in there.
We aren't a sulking or silent couple at all. There's definite communication going on, and regularly. It's just not always nice.
I feel very bored with him at times. And exasperated with some of his habits. And very frustrated that he isn't my intellectual equal. He is a good person, though. And he loves me. He shows his love by doing things for me.
And, yep, we've even been to couples therapy ... once! Lol. I convinced him to go and it was a disaster. He says never again. You're absolutely right about that, EndGame. And from other conversations I've had with women, I gather it's definitely some kind of phenomenon. Lol.
Great suggestions, ladies (and gentleman). I will reevaluate our day-to-day lives and schedules and see where I can tweak some changes.
Our communication is pretty good, or at least, OK. I prompt him to discuss our issues. And I must admit, I can be a tyrant. I am not always fair about things. The therapist said I should've been an attorney, at which point I laughed, and yet, she was right about my approach and demeanor that day -- I skewered him in her presence with logic, and with accusations. I kind of blew up in there.
We aren't a sulking or silent couple at all. There's definite communication going on, and regularly. It's just not always nice.
I feel very bored with him at times. And exasperated with some of his habits. And very frustrated that he isn't my intellectual equal. He is a good person, though. And he loves me. He shows his love by doing things for me.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
He texted me a pic of the creek behind our house, in the woods, and typed: You miss moments.
It makes me so sad.
He is right. I stay inside, engrossed in what I'm doing here, and I miss moments of life with him.
It makes me so sad.
He is right. I stay inside, engrossed in what I'm doing here, and I miss moments of life with him.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,449
Oh love.....I very much like what Ann and Gilmer were talking about. I think the idea of scheduling time together can really work...then there will always be moments you share. 
♥
♥
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 1,972
Originally Posted by Soberpotamus 
He texted me a pic of the creek behind our house, in the woods, and typed: You miss moments.
It makes me so sad.
He is right. I stay inside, engrossed in what I'm doing here, and I miss moments of life with him.
It makes me so sad.
He is right. I stay inside, engrossed in what I'm doing here, and I miss moments of life with him.
My husband and I spend a good part of our time at home doing our own thing around the house -- so we are not lonely, but not constantly together either. But we do take time to eat meals together and chat briefly or share a discovery or idea.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 1,972
Originally Posted by venuscat
I find the same thing....at almost (Oct) 2 years, my smoking dreams are gone. I was addicted to grass for years before I ever picked up a drink.
Glad your dream didn't upset you Jennie love.
Hello GD love. Hope the stress is behind you now. ♥
Glad your dream didn't upset you Jennie love.
Hello GD love. Hope the stress is behind you now.
♥I am glad you are looking forward to your trip to the US. I have visited Australia -- beautiful and interesting country.
♥
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 1,972
Oh J, another thing. I did talk to my husband about this because I wanted his perspective. He thinks he is "clingy and needy" sometimes. That surprised me. I wouldn't necessarily agree. He is perfectly capable of taking care of himself and amusing himself. I think everyone probably has moments when they need to lean on their partner. It just can't be all the time to the point that it's mentally and emotionally draining. Nobody can live with their partner (or even a friend) acting like a vampire.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
I don't know, GHD. I don't believe for a second he 'needs' me. He is able to take care for himself, lol ... we didn't marry until age 34. 
He must've done something before then. What I perceive as clingy is him attempting to draw me into what he's doing. Or, rather, draw me out of my 'shell' ... out of this room.
The problem I have is that another adult is wanting me to change. Wants me to do and be something I don't want, at times. I just get the feeling or sense that he is trying to 'correct' something he sees as a flaw. That I need to spend more time outside, in the sun, being on the water in the kayak, etc.
Isn't that my job to determine?
Maybe I'm taking it too far? Anyway, just posting here to get some outside feedback. And you all have some great feedback, so thank you.
And, Gilmer, great to see you here!
He must've done something before then. What I perceive as clingy is him attempting to draw me into what he's doing. Or, rather, draw me out of my 'shell' ... out of this room. The problem I have is that another adult is wanting me to change. Wants me to do and be something I don't want, at times. I just get the feeling or sense that he is trying to 'correct' something he sees as a flaw. That I need to spend more time outside, in the sun, being on the water in the kayak, etc.
Isn't that my job to determine?
Maybe I'm taking it too far? Anyway, just posting here to get some outside feedback. And you all have some great feedback, so thank you.
And, Gilmer, great to see you here!
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
One more thought ... it is just really aggravating and bothersome to me that he urges me away from my reading and writing. Sometimes he only interrupts, but that is a big deal to me. It can mean the difference in me getting something worked out in my mind or not. There's a block that goes up, and then anger.
He met me before I was sober, before I'd put into action the multi-hour reading/writing habit per day that I do now. He knew me just before all this. I was writing for a few clients, but that didn't take up too much time. I wasn't reading or writing for myself anymore by then, because of the drinking. It was very rare, anyway.
So, I think he might not understand this is permanent. I have explained to him that it is permanent. I will always do this. And I have asked him not to interrupt me. Sometimes I have to get him out of my office, still. He has failed to set up his own office space. That room is still a mess. I don't push him to do it anymore. But when it's time for me to sit at my desk, he knows he has to go.
We just aren't working 'together' very well yet. It's not a smooth process.
You would think a 39-year old man would respect my space, my time, etc.
He met me before I was sober, before I'd put into action the multi-hour reading/writing habit per day that I do now. He knew me just before all this. I was writing for a few clients, but that didn't take up too much time. I wasn't reading or writing for myself anymore by then, because of the drinking. It was very rare, anyway.
So, I think he might not understand this is permanent. I have explained to him that it is permanent. I will always do this. And I have asked him not to interrupt me. Sometimes I have to get him out of my office, still. He has failed to set up his own office space. That room is still a mess. I don't push him to do it anymore. But when it's time for me to sit at my desk, he knows he has to go.
We just aren't working 'together' very well yet. It's not a smooth process.
You would think a 39-year old man would respect my space, my time, etc.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Gilmer, for some reason, I have faced this with just about every guy I've dated. If one person is mostly OK being themselves (maybe perceived as stubborn), does that make it irresistible to the other person to try and effect change?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,449
J darling ~ the way I see it is he loves you, and wants to spend time with you. Share all of this beauty with you....but I understand your need for solitude while you work. I can be that way too...and I need an interruption-free zone.
This is you, this is what you need...perhaps you might need to adjust the amount of time you do this sometimes, so you can have some time with Brian. I would hope he will understand....
Maybe you can have coffee or hot chocolate on the porch in your lovely chairs again, and talk to each other. ♥
This is you, this is what you need...perhaps you might need to adjust the amount of time you do this sometimes, so you can have some time with Brian. I would hope he will understand....
Maybe you can have coffee or hot chocolate on the porch in your lovely chairs again, and talk to each other.
♥
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
I'm looking forward to fall weather so we can sit out there on the porch comfortably, Suze. It's still sweltering here.
I took some extra time after dinner tonight and gave him a massage. He loved it. Maybe I will read to him from our Moomin book, lol.
It's still sweltering here. I took some extra time after dinner tonight and gave him a massage. He loved it. Maybe I will read to him from our Moomin book, lol.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
I can no longer put off the chore of getting new tires on the SUV. Here, waiting, and reading my Kindle. Nice time to catch up on news, blogs, and periodicals.
It feels like 100F outside today. Sweltering.
It feels like 100F outside today. Sweltering.
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