zjw

oh i got a huge garden and chickens . I grow so much i give bushels of tomatos away and such. But i need more land so i can raise some more animals and have more room to grow more and maybe make a profit. But yeah in the middle fo the day i walk into the garden and if you ever saw that movie field of dreams how as soon as he sets foot on the field things change like going through some kinda time warp. THats how it is for me. as soon as i step into my garden i'm in a totally different world.

Love my garden .

sleepie

That sounds wonderful zjw, like an oasis.

sleepie

Oh, here I nearly forgot...

Someone else got to go and enjoy the tall cold one

zjw

good now the temptations gone at least

courage2

I'm glad you held on to your sobriety, sleepie. I didn't post before when I saw your thread because you seemed to have signed off. Really I believe there is *no* psychic pain that is worth living as a drunk or an addict. Trust me, I do know it can get bad -- resentful, afraid, confused, apparently attacked on all sides by affronts real or imagined, it doesn't matter. Today I just feel like huddling in a fetal position beside my front door, refusing to go out into the world -- and yes, downing a few shots for courage to be honest.

But I visualize the self that I was, and it's revolting. I was barely human -- my solace was to think I wasn't human at all. A zombie who lived to suck down my daily doses, sleep, puke, and start again.

I'd rather be my real self -- an irrelevant, mentally ill, aging, funny-looking, often-annoying screw-up -- than that. I'd rather you be anything else than that.

trachemys

[QUOTE=courage2;5999448] an irrelevant, mentally ill, aging, funny-looking, often-annoying screw-up/QUOTE]

No Fair! You can't have my role!

thomas11

I don't want to sound like a d*** but there is no "joy" in the tall boy for addicts/alcoholics. I've even gotten to the point of seeing pictures of people on facebook partying and having a good time and I get a very negative reaction seeing it. My darkest days were when I hitched my wagon to a bottle of booze. I was pathetic.

sleepie

Now I am just waiting to sleep. I haven't for quite awhile.

Not gonna happen. Hate that when you're too tired to do anything but exhausted... and cannot sleep. In what way are you funny looking courage?

I watch my friends drink as they mostly do Thomas. That's their business. They never say a thing about me abstaining, we live and let live that way. You have probably heard it before, people drink, alcoholic or not, they do. What we do is our business.

Ariesagain

Well, isn't that woman one desperately unhappy piece of work...

Trust me, she will spend her life on the hamster wheel continually looking to see if others are gaining on her, spending more than she needs to feed her ego, and pushing everyone in her family to judge their worth by what others think of them.

I had a big corporate job...the guy I reported to was a billionaire. Instant happy, right? Nope...he was self-obsessed, vicious, a terrible bully, and only seemed to enjoy himself when he was using his power to destroy others. All my fellow executives were much the same.

You do what your soul needs and that's wonderful. Don't let one petty ex-friend (and she should be ex'd for sure, ungrateful snot) make you poison yourself.

Oh, and Benadryl has a paradoxical effect if you've used it regularly...it will make you more wound up, not less.

Sending you a big fierce hug.

sleepie

That guy sounds like a stereotypical corporate big shot...

I don't take Benadryl or anything regularly, maybe every few weeks or so. I often have trouble sleeping.

I do admit I am wondering what I did or said to make this person want to say something hurtful yet at the same time I am chalking it up a bit to... ignorance? I don't know. People like her terrify me, with the successes and travels and properties and PSL lattes and mani pedi's on the regular...

Ariesagain

People like you, who don't need all those external superficial things for validation, probably terrify her. If she were really serene and happy with her life, she would never have been so rude to you.

PennyLane76

(Sleepie ). That woman is not worth your time or energy. I have a big corporate job, which I'm not too happy with honestly, and OFTEN wish I had a talent. I dream of it. Something.... being an artist, have a gift writing, carry a tune, play an instrument, build something, decorate?? Nothing, nada!

Sometimes it looks like people have it all, but they are dying inside, and unfortunately take it out on others with rude behavior.

zjw

its like i heard recently. a million drinks lined up would never be enough and 1 would be too many!

i had a thought cross my mind today (battling my own demons) i thought ya know there was a time when if i could not cope i just drank. I guess now it would be ok to just go get a pill to take or something? I thought well there was a time when I thought its totally fine to drink if i'm struggling its jsut how i'm wired. I struggle in life so i drink no big deal drink or drug whats teh difference i jsut chose the drink.

I realized i need to get out of this kind of thinking and just keep marching forward with what i'm doing and take the ups and the downs and keep going. Drinking or drugging is not going to fix any of my demons. So whats the use?

so yeah at 5 years sober i still sit here at times struggling thinking well i could....
but i wont. I know i'm better off without it.

ups and downs i guess.

sleepie

Well... corporate life is stressful.
Although so is being poor.

Greener grasses or something.

Thanks all for replying here. I was having a real bad moment. When it rains it pours.

zjw

A farmer told me one time "do you know why the grass is greener over on that field? Because theres more **** over there"

sleepie

LOL omg this same guy that told you about working smarter/harder?

Sudz No More

The moment my brain made a philosophical change in the way it views alcohol I never had another moment like you just had. I got to a point where I couldn't give a sh*t about it and it stopped bothering me. Sort of like enjoying fudge for years and then suddenly getting sick of it which did actually happen to me. Alcohol got that way for me because I let it, I just no longer give a sh*t.

sleepie

May your s***s to give for alcohol never be replenished, Sudz.

zjw

Sudz i'm like that with crummy food choices. I have like 0 desire for pizza and garbage foods it doesnt phase me. people taunt me and i dont care.

that being said I will from time to time remaniss the good ole days and think man it sure would be nice to sit down power house a pizza and sit out back and smoek a few cigarettes and toss back a cold beer etc... But I of course think but it got me nowhere so no can do I wont do that.

With food it really doesnt phase me much more then that.

Beer on the other hand? once in a while i get ticked off and think ya know forget it why do i bother trying maybe i should just get drunk again and i get all ticked off etc... Luckily this doesnt happen too often nromally i can just get settled into my discouragement.

I dont get why booze is somehow wired in as some kind of grand solution to anything when its clearly not.

I guess other times i could just substitude beer for bacon tho much liek someone might substitute Fudge for the F word. I could be like Oh dangit I should just go have some bacon!!! maybe it would have the same affect as the proverbial OH FUDGE!!

trachemys

This.

What are you fretting about. YOU painted her child's murals. Probably the only person she knows that could do that. She sure can't.