cakeater

Hey all--I wanted to share my struggles with denial.

I had the hardest time admitting I had a problem with alcohol because I was never one of those people who drank every day (only on Friday and Saturday). It was so easy to say 'hey, alcoholics are those who need to drink to survive and I only drink on the weekends so that's not me.'

The truth is, I'm one of those people who never knows when to stop. That little voice that most people have in their heads that tells them 'hey, you're tipsy now, stop' simply does not exist for me. Once I start, the euphoria hits and I will not stop.

The older I got, the less I drank, but when I did--it almost always ended in disaster. I followed some kind of a 3-strikes pattern. I'd be fine the first time, maybe fine the second, but the third time--yikes. The third time is when I'd find myself in bed, in my pjs thinking 'how'd we get home?' 'how'd I get in my pjs?' 'what did I do last night?' That's just the worst feeling in the world to have.

I could also keep living in denial because my husband always made sure I got home okay (though once I stumbled off of the bed in the night and hit my head and had a concussion).

I've truly embarrassed myself twice--once in a party where I was pretty much crawling on the floor and once when I was on vacation and extremely rude to the service staff at a restaurant (I don't remember both times, and I'm horrified).

It's only been about a month that I've stopped but not having the feeling of 'omg what'd I do last night?' has been amazing. Every time I feel like drinking I think 'tomorrow will be so much better if I don't' and that stops me.

Berrybean

Thanks. I really relate to your post.

tursiops999

Hi cakeater, I can relate! It was hard to admit to a problem, especially early on. It's easy to find people to compare myself and think, I'm not that bad.

But I kept staying sober anyway, because it felt good, and I felt I needed some changes in my life. Over time my perceptions changed, and now I see more clearly that I was addicted. I can see more clearly all the negative consequences caused by drinking, including subtle negative impacts on my moods and thinking.

So hang in there! It's a big change and not always easy, but at least for me it's always been well worth it. I hope SR can be one of the tools that helps you stay sober for good.

cakeater

Thank you both for the kind responses.

Jsober

Well said. I was a weekend drinker as well and that did contribute to my denial/rationalization. Once I started there was no telling when I would stop. Not starting is the key for folks like us.

Dee74

Its a hard thing to accept but once you do, everything starts to change for the better

D

FBL

I used to think I wasn't an alcoholic because I only drank beer, never once missed a day of work and always had enough money. It's amazing how our minds will try to justify our actions. Admitting to myself that I had a huge problem was certainly the first step to a much better life.

Turtle76

The level of denial I lived in amazes me too. I drank almost everyday for 20 years, but because I didnt need to drink in the morning and wasnt hiding bottles, didnt have the shakes (my boyfriend did all these, and I knew HE was an alcoholic) I thought I didn't have a problem. I knew I drank too much, but alcoholic? Not me! I did a real good job of hiding the truth... surrounded myself with alcoholics "worse than me," only lived in towns where drinking is a way of life (I have many geographical solutions in my story), and even became a bartender. It was very hard for me to see how dependant I was on alcohol, because it was so ubiquitous in my life, it was like breathing air. Now that the denial is lifting, I am simply amazed at how I didnt accept this before now. Sure, I would make jokes about being a functioning alcoholic, but I never believed it until recently. It is truly amazing how the addicted mind works.

least

I've been sober over six years and never once have I woken up sober and wished I had drank the night before.

CaseyW

So much I can identify with here. Thanks for sharing your story!

Sobriety really is a better way of life, isn't it?

thomas11

Hi cakeater, Your post really resonated with me, I feel I could have written it myself. I was a weekend warrior, and I also would go several weekends without any "event". In fact I socialized quite well on my drinking days. It was that 3rd strike as you call it that would erase all the positive things I may have done or felt. I also believe that made it harder for me to quit because like many I thought an alcoholic had to be drinking out of a brown paper bag on the street.

I also believe I started to develop kindling. And ultimately that is what forced me to quit. I was experiencing minor withdrawals far too often. Rarely a hangover, but the inability to sleep or eat well on Sunday was getting to be too much.
Its a pretty good feeling waking up in the morning not wondering what you did the night before isn't it?

cakeater

Thank you for your responses everyone!

I tried many different things--including drinking only beer because of the low alcohol content. Regardless, I'd still end up in the same place (I'd only drink more of it).

It also didn't help that I lived in a place of excess--it's completely normal for people do do crazy things while drinking alcohol / taking something else. So if I was to say 'hey, I don't think I should drink today b/c I got too wasted the last time' someone would jump in and say 'that's nothing, I did *insert crazier thing* everyone does it!' It made me think that 'hey, I'm not the worst of the lot so I can keep drinking' or 'maybe if I drink only beer/wine/spritzers/etc then I may have more control.' I was totally wrong of course.

I'm trying to come up with different social gatherings I can go to instead of parties with free flowing booze (which is the norm where I live--everyone in their 20s to 30s to 40s to 50s party like they're dying tomorrow).

Fly N Buy

I accepted my problem long before I accepted a solution - that's where the rub was for me. Even though I knew I was likely an alcoholic, could I really take the necessary action to accept the solution??

Today is 700 days .....working on it.

Thanks for the post, glad you are here with us. I too had a lot of three strikes and out. Today I am grateful to simply have another at bat.

Dee74

Congrats on 700 days FlyNBuy
D

thomas11

How are you today cakeeater?

zjw

no worries i got sober and was in denial the first year. I signed up here and honestly was still in denial. oh i had tons of problems but alcoholism was not one of them.

but after reading here and going to aa I realized I was an alcoholic and i had to own up to that fact for myself.

cakeater

700 days is amazing! Congratulations Fly Bunny.

Hey there Thomas! I'm doing great today. I did go to a house party yesterday where (like always) there was free flowing alcohol. I was uncomfortable initially but had a good time after some time passed. In addition to not being able to stop drinking, I think I definitely used alcohol as a social crutch. I'm slowly beginning to realize that I do not need it.

It was great coming home at 1 in the morning with my hair and makeup perfectly in tact

Thumpalumpacus

It took the love of a great woman to drag me out of my denial. Now she's gone, but sobriety is here.

Good riddance to drunkeness ... her, I miss more than ever.

But I made my bed and now it's time for sleep, eh?

AAPJ

At the end I was drinking every day. I would get up in the morning and tell myself "I'm not going to drink today". But whenI got home from work a drink found it's way into my hand within 5 minutes of getting home.

Am I an "alcoholic"? Maybe - probably. But the term/label didn't matter as much as something someone told me at an AA meeting. Is alcohol making your life better? "No". Then I knew what to do - or perhaps better said what not to do.

For me actions are more important than labels. The hardest thing I did was stop drinking. But my AA friends make it easier.

Mountainmanbob

For me liquor ceased to be a luxury
and became a necessity.

Has liquor ceased to be a luxury ?
and now became a necessity ?

MB