Yup, still an alcoholic

Old 06-04-2015, 05:00 AM
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Yup, still an alcoholic

Yup, still an alcoholic. Definitely insanity, I tested out if I am still an alcoholic. Surprise, surprise, I still am. It started as in the old days. Sneaking around late at night, watching a movie by myself. I planned ahead of time that I was going to drink. It started out as, "oh, just have two beers. It will taste great and will go great with the movie." The beers did taste good, but they just didn't hit the spot. "So, let's drink a little Vodka. Nobody will know. It will really feel great. And besides, you have been so good lately, you should treat yourself." Two more progressively stronger Vodka drinks, I'm **** drunk. Now at some point, my wife comes down stairs. She quickly realizes that I'm drunk. An argument soon ensues. The conversation starts out as, "you couldn't even make it thirty days sober!" Obviously, this didn't end well. Of course, drunk me says some regrettable things to her. Eventually I decide to sleep in the downstairs room to sleep it off. Next morning, I am woken up by my family. The realization of the previous nights events become painfully clear as the dreaded hangover welcomes me, as if to say, "remember me old buddy, I'm back". This hangover was epic with pounding headache, head spins, and nausea. That wasn't even the best part. The flood of guilt and shame of getting back on the drink and regretting what I said to my wife.

I listened to my AV again. It sucks, but I am not giving up. I had stayed sober for 26 days. I learned some valuable things. First and most importantly, life is better sober. Second, I do have the will power to stay clean even when there is a lot of social pressure to drink. Third, I am definitely an alcoholic.
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Old 06-04-2015, 05:11 AM
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I finally got honest about my drinking and accepted the fact I cannot drink in safety one day at a time in a row. At that point I needed to take action and do something about it which required work and changes because alcohol filled a void within me which needed to be filled with healthy thoughts and actions.
The results have been beyond expectations.

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Old 06-04-2015, 05:13 AM
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no worries i tend to act like such a deviant little child after that first drink. I simply just cant take that first sip. its absolutly uncontrollable after the first sip. my AV plays the same jedi mind tricks on me as well. I woulda drank pee if it had booze in it and smoked turds if they had nicotine in them back in the day. I was that sick.

Dust yourself off get back on the wagon apologize to your wife pray she gives you another chance ( i know how this feeling can be ).

26 days is still a big deal despite what you say or she may say. thats pretty good progress use what you learned in that time frame to go longer now.
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Old 06-04-2015, 05:19 AM
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Just to say thank you for posting this! Thank you so much. For any of us feeling tempted, a horror story like this really brings you back to earth. That could have been me any number of times.

I really wish you all the best. I think you can really learn from this kind of experience and you'll be better prepared in the future. Time to get back on the program! Good luck!
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Old 06-04-2015, 05:30 AM
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I had to learn that lesson a few times before it 'took' 1needhelp.

Start with a new recovery plan - think of ways to find more support, and how to make whatever changes you can make to reflect your desire to stay sober.

you can do this

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Old 06-04-2015, 05:51 AM
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We all share a problem when Mr. alcohol taps on our shoulder.
Our remberers are broken,but our forgetters work very well.
Remeber to work on your remberer.

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Old 06-04-2015, 05:58 AM
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Originally Posted by 1needhelp View Post
Second, I do have the will power to stay clean even when there is a lot of social pressure to drink.
What about internal pressure? Do you have a plan for staying sober when the internal dialogue of the Addictive Voice starts up, suggests that a couple of drinks will be okay?
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Old 06-04-2015, 06:35 AM
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Glad you are back 1needhelp. I'd look back at what you were doing for a sobriety plan those 26 days and see what you can add to it. You mention willpower to resist social pressure, but to me it sounds as if your drinking is a very private affair driven by your internal addiction...why else would you keep it secret at night when no one else is around?
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Old 06-04-2015, 01:38 PM
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It started out as, "oh, just have two beers. It will taste great and will go great with the movie."
" Second, I do have the will power to stay clean even when there is a lot of social pressure to drink."

Lessons learned and questions to be asked - I had a simlar experience.

I learned I had the phenomenon of craving, which really pinned down exactly what the problem is.

Questions to be answered: What happened to my willpower? Where did it go? Why didn't I remember why I stopped drinking? Why didn't the obvious consequences provide sufficient reason to stop me. How come the insane idea of just a couple of beers win out over past experience?

And for me it wasn't the first time. When I look back at past horrors, when I consider the horror stories that other people have told me, I have to ask why even those stories did not spring to mind to save me from temptation.

Until I found a way to address these questions, this experience could and probably would repeat itself.
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Old 06-04-2015, 04:33 PM
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Well, my wife has forgiven me. However, I'm sure she will be not so easy forget, and neither will I. You all made some really good points about what my internal triggers are. Leading up to the relapse, I had some stressful situations at work where I had to make some hard decisions that affect a lot of people. So, I had an internal struggle with whether I made the right call. Also, I had an ongoing family issue that was weighing on my mind. I think both of those help to contribute to my lapse in memory of my alcohol addiction. I do have some more work to do regarding my internal pressures. I do need a better plan when more stressful situations occur.
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Old 06-04-2015, 05:10 PM
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I find stressful situations HOOK me the next thing you know my mind is like a whirlwind and i'm thinking all sorts of crazy stupid stuff. Now these days it wont lead me to the bottle I dont think. But it will drag me to the pit if i'm not careful. someitmes days and days can go by before i get ahold of myself as most stressful situations sometimes can go on for days weeks months etc..

The trick is to not get hooked and if you get hooked to quickly recognize your hooked and find a way out. For me exercise will help or shifting gears reading a book distracting myself with something else etc...
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Old 06-05-2015, 11:49 PM
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We do get to the point where we really internalize that alcohol is not working anymore. Not even a little bit. Sounds like you're at that point and that's great. It took me a long time to get there but it was actually a relief to stop rather than a huge burden.

Sure, it was hard sometimes and a huge change but stopping was easier than continuing. Continuing to drink was the burden.
Sometimes I feel like I took the easy way out by stopping.
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Old 06-06-2015, 12:14 AM
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Sorry to hear about your relapse. Hopefully you can get back on the sober wagon and learn from this experience.
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Old 06-06-2015, 12:15 AM
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I've learned this lesson the hard way myself many times. Once went out with some buddies to have 'a beer' and wound up missing a week of work and going in the following Monday white knuckling it through DTs with an angry boss and co-workers..

As mentioned 26 days is a good run. In my humble opinion if you've made it that long you can (note: CAN) do it for the long run. Dust yourself off and start over.

Assign that AV a voice that makes your skin crawl.
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Old 05-08-2016, 05:30 AM
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It's been one year exactly since this post. And I'm ashamed to admit that I've relapsed multiple times since. In fact, my binges are getting worse. I have to quit completely. I am afraid of where my life is going at this point.
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Old 05-08-2016, 05:38 AM
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Well...the good news is that this is doable. When I posted on this thread a year ago I had just begun my sober journey. Still sober today as are various people from the April 2015 group. I recommend you check out the May 2016 group. You might find the support you need ob there? If I can do this anyone can. Stay strong!!
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Old 05-08-2016, 06:03 AM
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you can do it just keep coming around and reading etc.. have you trhought about AA or something?
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Old 05-08-2016, 06:10 AM
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I'm trying. My wife just talked to me about how much I let her and my family down after my last episode. I'm in the depths of my despair. I really need support. Thank you for your response.
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Old 05-08-2016, 06:11 AM
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I want to goto SMART recovery. There is a meeting on Tuesday I can goto. I don't believe in AA.
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Old 05-08-2016, 06:13 AM
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I relate. I'm on day 5. I've been relapsing for years...had stints of 6 months- 2 years but here I am. At my bottom. Nothing is more important to me now than quitting. I'm done. I can never drink again.
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