BlackoutFear

Hi guys! First, i'm really sorry for my english, i'm not a native english speaker!
Well, i'm glad that i've found a forum like this!
Today is my 30th day sober, actually i guess i'm not an alcohoolic, but of course i can't drink anymore it caused me a lot of troubles and i can't control my drink, so the best option for me is to stay 100% sober!
My main problem now is that a had a blackout in my last drink, i'm an 18yo male, drink since my 15's, and had my first blackout with 17, but this last was my worst. I don't know how i got home, i just know that i did it alone, when i woke up next day i had no signals of violence or sexual assault. But my paranoia/anxiety is driving me crazy since then, i started thinking that i was raped, and then after some days i started to think that i could assaulted someone, killed or raped someone, and my mind create hypothesis everytime.
I was getting better in this last week, but then a woman gave me a dirty look in the bus yesterday, but a real dirty look, like when someone is really mad with you. But i don't even know this woman.

Some stuffs about me: I'm not ever became violent when drunk, the idea of rapping someone never passed through my head when i was drunk or sober.
My paranoia started getting worse in january, before this blackout, but was about another stuffs non-related to alcohol.


Guys, i'm desesperate, i don't want to be arrested by something that i couldn't even remember. My life was getting better before that, i have a good job and a lovely family, i don't want it to my life.

ScottFromWI

Welcome to SR!

Congrats on 30 days sober, that's a heck of an acheivement. Are you using any formal recovery method at all? If i'm reading right you say that you have had issues with paranoia before this incident, unrelated to alcohol, correct? If that's the case you should consider seeing a therapist or counselor to work it out - it could very well be an issue that is not related to your drinking and has existed for a while. It's actually very common for us to try and used alcohol to cover up other conditions...but as you've found it usually only makes them worse.

BlackoutFear

Thank you Scott! No, i'm not using any recovery method, i just decided to stop drinking and did it, i don't know if i'm physical addict to alcohool, but when i used to drink my hands tends to shake a little in the days that i didn't drink. After 1 or 2 weeks without alcohool my hands stopped shaking.

Scott, i had a little anxiety/paranoia before this blackout, but wasn't like that, i'm feelling desesperated because i can't remember if i did something to someone, so i don't know if police will kick down my door or if someone is looking for me...

ScottFromWI

You cannot undo what you may have done of courese, but it sounds as though your paranoia may be getting the best of you. Have you ever spoken with a counselor about it?

I'm going to guess that if you had done something that broke the law that you would have been contacted by now, but what's most important is finding out why you are having the irrational fears. And also making sure you don't drink again and start the whole mess over again.

trachemys

You won't until some time passes.

shauninspain

I know exactly how you're feeling. I have spend goodness knows how long (when recovering from a binge) feeling petrified that I may have done something awful. My general rule of thumb is that if I had not had a knock on the door by the police after 4 days I was in the clear! My character was very violent when drunk and I was a menace to others, so I almost expected to be in big trouble after a blackout. If you've not heard anything by now, and no memories have returned, I would say that you've had a lucky escape and did nothing in particular, except a bit of a pain in the ass to random strangers! All is well, you didn't do anything illegal and you're 30 days sober, so all is good. Congrats on your sober time. It's a big achievement.

Ariesagain

You know, in early sobriety our brains are pretty messed up, and paranoia isn't uncommon. If you are not prone to violent behavior or anger problems in general, it's pretty unlikely you did something completely out of character in blackout.

If you in fact assaulted someone or were assaulted, you would probably have defensive wounds, bruises on your hands, or other physical signs of the altercation. So if you didn't have any signs of damage, maybe you can relax a bit?

If anything, this fear you're experiencing is great motivation for staying away from alcohol. I wish I had gotten smart at your age.

BlackoutFear

I'm more relieved after this guys, thank you so much. Thank god i've found this website!
But that dirty angry look from that woman yesterday doesn't get out of my head, why she did this? It's not because my paranoia, she gave me a dirty look for a couple of minutes, and when i get off the bus she turned her head in my direction and she keeped looking at me.\

I'm even considering moving to another state.

Ariesagain

You could remind her of someone, she could have been in a bad mood for another reason, she could have been glaring at other people all day, she could be mentally ill...

If you had done something horrible to her, chances are she would have called 911. If you had been rude or obnoxious to her, she probably would have said something.

Try to let it go except as a great example of something you never want to go through again?

Soberwolf

Welcome & congratulations on 30 days sober bud I'm really glad you found us regular interaction here will really help

advbike

Maybe your fly was open..

Seriously.. try not to worry. Anxiety is a killer. Just try to let go. Maybe read or listen to something by Eckhart Tolle. He explains how our thinking patterns can be so destructive. I had similar irrational fears from time to time when I was drinking. It stems from a certain type of anxiety, combined with a vivid imagination. The fears seem real but they're not.

Jsbodhi

I have woken up from blackouts worried I murdered someone or something too.
I tend to lean towards worst case scenarios though.
Xoxo
Stay sober

BlackoutFear

Well, have moments in my day that i'm just fine and others that i'm very anxious or paranoid, also 2 days after my blackout i had a panic attack...
If i could go back in time i would never touch alcohool. In my 16's and 17's i thought that my alcohool resistance was funny, i felt like a badass because i was able to drink 1L of vodka or scott alone in a party and still relative sober while my friends used to get drunk with just 100 or 200ml of liquor.
I have all reasons to stay sober, i just want to feel like when i was 13 or 14, i was the happiest teen in the world! I hope that i didn't commit any crime during my blackout, i would rather die than get to prision, and i would never be able to live if i commit a serious crime against an innocent person.
For you guys have an idea of what i'm talking about, some months ago i was going home from a street party with my friend, we are walking in a desert avenue and has a drunk guy that had passed out from drinking, his wallet and cellphone was in the floor, so i picked it and put it back in her pocket but i was very late and couldn't carry him to an hospital or police district, in the next days i feel guilty about that, i should have helped this guy, and i started to think that if something bad was happened to him it will be my fault. And today i thought that my last blackout was a punishment against me because that day.

least

It seems like your paranoia is getting the best of you. Don't worry so much. I would suggest counseling to try to stop being so paranoid.

BlackoutFear

Hi Least, how are you?
Thank you very much for your advice, actually i went to psychiatrist in last week, he prescribed me two medicines, but i don't want to take it due side effects.

bluedog97

I know how you feel. Before winding up in the hospital about a month ago, I was in a blackout for about a week. I have no idea what I did. All I know is I woke up in severe pain with beer all over the house and the door wide open. The paramedics said I may have been attacked. My doctor thinks it was a seizure.

I agree, a recovery method is beneficial. The fear of repeating what you've just been through eventually wears off and it helps to have something to guide you through the tough times.

kittycat3

I can relate to this a lot. I used to have paranoia about meeting people after a binge that I met while drunk and didn't remember meeting. I used to be the kind of drunk who would get chatty and overly friendly with others when drunk, when normally I am more reserved.
I never once had someone I didn't recall meeting who introduced themselves to me....so my paranoia was baseless. And I won't have this problem again as long as I don't drink! Keep your head high and stay sober!

BlackoutFear

Right now i'm going to an open bar club! I'm sure that i not going to drink! Wish me the best guys!

Dee74

Why would you want to 'test your sobriety', when you're too nervous to take meds that are actually prescribed for you by a medical professional?

that makes no sense to me - you don't need to 'test' your sobriety - your commitment is strong or it's not.

I'd make it easy on myself and stay home - maybe research those meds a little more - if you decide they're not for you go back and discuss that with your Dr

D

Jsbodhi

I think you should leave the bar xx