Wayfarer

I've been a social drinker since college (33 now). I've always struggled with when to stop - if I was at a party or any sort of social gathering and alcohol (whether beer, wine, or liquor) was present, I would drink until I passed out. Couldn't control it.

I got married at 28. At this point, I would drink on weekends (6 pack spread over Saturday and Sunday) - every now and then get completely wasted, but for the most part it was just weekend only type drinking and not excessively.

When I hit 30, I moved with my wife to our own place (had previously been living with her parents to save money). After we got our own place I kept up the same drinking pace - didn't drink during the week, but would grab a 6-pack on friday night and would consume it over Saturday and Sunday.

At 31 I had a lot of stress due to my job and I started drinking during the week - not a lot, just a couple beers a night.

At 32 the stress got worse and I switched from drinking a couple beers a night to buying vodka and making mixed drinks - 4 or 5 drinks a night.

For the past year, I've been absolutely out of control - I'd say for the last 6 months or so, I've been averaging 500ml of vodka a day and I usually binge it all in 2 or 3 hours.

I'm so scared for so many reasons - worried that my liver is damaged - worried that I won't live to see my daughter grow up (she's 15 months old now), and just terrified in general that I won't be able to stop this.

I started talking to a therapist that specializes in substance abuse - has helped a little, but still hasn't gotten me off this devilish vodka binge habit.

I'm afraid if I keep this up I'm going to not only destroy my family life, but also my health - I'm so scared and don't know what to do.

I can't even see my doctor because I'm afraid my blood work will come back saying I have liver damage.

You'd think all these family and health fears would be enough to stop me from drinking, yet it's not - I feel like the more I think about these fears, the more I drink.

How do I change? How do I stop this?

ScottFromWI

Welcome back wayfarer. I think just about every single one of us was in the same position at some point. We knew we had to quit drinking, but we didn't - despite all the bad things happening around us. And I fully understand how scary it is -I'm glad you've come here to ask for help.

I'm curious - what did your substance abuse counselor say - or haven't you asked yet? The good news is that you can change any time you want to. As difficult as it feels, the choice to drink or not is not only entirely up to you but you are the only person that can make that choice.

Ghostlight1

My drinking got progressive, too. It's the nature of the disease of alcoholism.
I'm not saying you're alcoholic, I'm saying I am and the same thing happened to me.
It got to the point where I was drinking huge amounts. Blacking out and all else that goes with it.
Like you, nothing could stop me even as I watched myself deteriorate.
I drank like that for twenty years. Lost everything. Still couldn't stop.
I hope you don't reach the lows I did.

A therapist is a great idea. So is AA. Have you considered it? I know it saved my ass.
You're young you've got your whole life in front of you. I really hope you can find the resolve to stop now, because believe me, it only gets worse.
Best to you.

JeffreyAK

Can you change your routine? That often helps people who aren't yet too deep down the hole. Come home at a different time, do something different when you get home, to for a walk immediately if you don't normally, eat earlier or later, etc. It helps break up the pattern so you don't feel like you're "missing" something during the time frames when you would normally drink, and makes it easier to not drink.

There's no substitute for not drinking, however, if you want to change the outcome of the path you're on, you'll need to stop drinking. Maybe not forever, who knows, but at least for a good long time so you can clean out and re-evaluate. Can you make a solemn vow to not drink a drop, nothing, for say 30 days and then re-evaluate?

Debaucher

For everything in my life I thought I could learn on my own I found that there were people who already experienced what I was trying to learn. Teachers, coaches, mentors, taught me math, sports, chess, business, and management.

For someone with a drinking problem, how do you find someone who has gone through it and now is happy and thriving. That is the dude I wanted to talk to. But those people look just like normal people. That is why I think AA is so powerful. There are a whole group of people that have gone through things just like you!

I went there for no other reason than to not drink that day. I had no intention of making a thing of it. The thing was, I found some folks that were worse than me when they drank and they appeared happy and healthy now. I eventually got up the courage to ask one of them to sponsor me and he said yes. Just having someone to talk to who gets it is so comforting.

It has been so helpful for me.

Free2bme888

Welcome wayfarer

Everyone find their own way on how....and when to quit. For me, alcohol abuse is no different than being a nicotine addict or cigarette smoker. I had no 12 step program to help me quit smoking.

For me, the swollen Tummy and that painful liver the morning after was scaring me .

Drink. Be scared. Drink to not be scared and to get high (because now I NEEDEDit), drink. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Ugh.

I wanted to end the stronghold So I did. Sometimes one minute at a time.

I slept. I posted here. I read a lot here. I spent a lot of time by myself. I cried. I for gave myself. I took walks. I actually went to the store a few times after 6 PM and was so proud that I could actually drive there without worrying about a DUI .

I encourage you to explore many options and I’m so glad to see you here

Free from smoking since 10/31/1987

D122y

Way,

It took several major life issues before I quit

The final straw was not being able to drive 2 miles without pulling over due to the world spinning. I had my 9 year old in the car.

Major ptsd from that.

So now I am this clean and I feel better than ever.

But, because I am an addict for life, like everyone else here, I think about drinking again sometimes.

I call it growing up. I can't always get what I want.

Thanks.

least

In order to quit drinking for good, you have to want to be sober more than you want to drink. Not easy, but simple.

prinzeugen

"I can't even see my doctor because I'm afraid my blood work will come back saying I have liver damage.

You'd think all these family and health fears would be enough to stop me from drinking, yet it's not - I feel like the more I think about these fears, the more I drink."

Boy, does that resonate.

plop

Wayfarer, you are still young. I'm ten years older than you and I had been drinking for twenty years when I quit. I was fortunate enough to still have a working liver. Remember that even if your liver is damaged it can most likely still heal if you stop drinking.

August252015

Glad you are here Wayfarer. Lots of great input above from folks whose recovery paths I admire.

I quit at 39 after so much pain, loss and sorrow for me and others. It was a life or death decision by that time, and the best one I ever made. Whatever our ages, the best time to quit is now.

Hope to see you here and sharing about your start in a sober life.

FBL

The key for me was total and unconditional surrender. After nearly 30 years of drinking and suffering the consequences, I finally had to admit to myself that I was an alcoholic. That was the game changer. I had some stretches of sobriety during those 30 years, but I did not have recovery. The past 9 and a half years have been the best years of my adult life and I owe it ALL to my recovery. You CAN do this, but you gotta really WANT it!

SoberCAH

You're clearly in the right place, wayfarer.

I was 31 when I got sober.

After failing miserably on my own trying to get sober, I finally went to a treatment center and haven't had a drink since.

I had to seek professional help.

And it certainly worked for me.

My life was a blur of beer cans and Vodka and Schnapps bottles.

Derringer

The good and bad news is .... if you keep drinking the way you have been, sooner or later, what it's going to do to you will make going to the Dr seem like a cake walk.

We all have a different thresholds of pain.

I've seen people take action pretty early on, I've seen people wait till it's all gone .... the family, the job, the health.

Try to be one of the low threshold folk

gaffo

Hi Wayfarer,

You have taken the first steps by admitting that you have a problem and considering your options. That is just the beginning, however. I admitted to myself that I was drinking like an alcoholic early in my drinking career but still continued to party down for years. Really I have no one to blame but myself but still I think that I was living in a world of enablers, a world where drinking at any time was acceptable.

I finally quit seven years ago, when I was 46. Like yourself, I am a father and I guess that was the main reason that I could no longer be an active alcoholic. My kids are 12 and 14 now and I am proud to say that they have no memories of the old man being drunk and/or stoned. I am always ready to do whatever the situation calls for to the best of my abilities. I am a strong man.

Of course it wasn't easy for a while. There are many ways that people have become and stayed sober. I white knuckled it. I relied on Sober Recovery and my sober friends but I didn't do AA or any of that. Going to the doctor is not a bad idea. It will help to make it official. The important thing is to not drink anymore, no matter how you do it. One day at a time it gets better until if you're lucky like many of us are, it isn't hard anymore. Today, I honestly do not miss drinking even though at one time I thought it was the most important thing in my life.

So keep thinking about your drinking and when you can, quit. Say goodbye to a life of hangovers and regrets. You've climbed the high dive, man. It's hot out and the pool beckons. The water's fine.

PhoenixJ

Welcome WF
Keep posting
Join some of the newcomer's threads.
Go to meetings- just listen..you do not have to speak
Read SR a lot- I use it every day/night. If I wake up @ 0300, there is always someone here.
I highly recommend you do see your GP and get the bloods done. Better to know and plan and change- rather being afraid of fear.
Honesty is so very important.
Support to you.

KEEP POSTING!

Tommyh

wayfarer,I drank for 20 years and mixed it with drugs.
I tried to quit so many times I can`t remember.I always ended up drunk .
I eventually ended up going to some AA meetings.I remember talking to a oldtimer and I said I can`t quit drinking for 6 months,let alone for the rest of my life..I could not comprehend it.
He just asked me if I could stay sober today.
Just today?Sure,anyone ought to be able to do that I said.
It took the pressure off and made staying sober something I
could do.He said,thats how we do it.
Now I have been doing that for quite a while,a day at a time.That was 30 years ago,if I can do it,you can.
Wayfarer,do you think you can stay sober just for today?

one day at a time

BananaRobot

Hey wayfarer I can relate so much to your story except I started out drinking like an alcoholic, basically anytime I wanted to, day or night, with others or by myself, and often mixed it with drugs.

I knew I had a problem with impulse control regarding other things but I never thought I had a problem with alcohol. That is until I got my recent DUI. My life had been spiraling down, I left my long term girlfriend because I couldn't find happiness, I left my current job because I couldn't handle the stress, tried to move states but decided not to, and as I sat trying to put my life together is when I got arrested for DUI. It was very upsetting given the circumstances but without it I don't know when I would've recognized that I had a drinking problem.

Since then (two weeks) I haven't drank anything because I don't want to. I don't know if I ever will drink again because it's a door I'd like to remain closed.

My point is that you know you have a problem in as much that you can admit it (albeit anonymously). That's huge and if you let your drinking progress you'll only blame yourself for not stopping and it'll hurt that much worse. DON'T WORRY ABOUT YOUR LIVER. As plop said it will regenerate, I really believe you are too young to have caused lasting harm. My father is twice your age, a severe alcoholic all his life, drank on top of liver disease and even during the medication which he was NOT supposed to do, and his liver is fine.

Don't let anxiety drive you to drink it's a vicious cycle.

Dee74

hows it going wayfarer?

D

lessgravity

What's up Way?

I've been there, many of us have. There's a way out - you need to get to work. Are you ready to work?