Diary of a Mad Cow, Part XVII: "Sober Wars"
Omnivore
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Winter Water Wonder Land
Posts: 516
While Cow is working, maybe the rest of you would be interested in my tale of temptation?
It has come up twice now recently. Two different events separated by several weeks. I had these events, on my calendar, that tempted me to go off the pill, so that I could drink at these events. I've learned I have to be off it for a while before I can drink, so it takes a pretty special occasion for me to consider drinking. Then it takes deliberate inaction (inaction - not taking the pill) for at least 5 days, in order to accomplish my goal. I have done this before. It is possible.
These last two times, although the events were enticing, I decided to keep taking the pill. For the one event I actually stopped taking it for two days before I decided I'd rather not drink. This last time it was an internal debate for a few days until I realized I was already past the date I would have to have stopped taking the pill, in order to be able to drink on the date in question.
Taking the pill has become so habitual it is self perpetuating. Being sober has become so normal that I actually prefere it. At least 51% of me does.
It still puzzles me that I need this pill. Why can't I be like the rest of you sober sally's and just know, all the time, drinking is not what I want. I'm not able to though. I know without the pill I'd drink the next time I was tempted. It could be a special event. It could be just a moment of stress. If I quit the pill I'd be sober till then but then I'd drink. I don't understand why. So I have to take the pill.
Maybe the rest of you can process the internal argument faster than I do? Maybe I just need more time to think about it. Maybe I just have a short attention span? Is that a squirrel over there?
It has come up twice now recently. Two different events separated by several weeks. I had these events, on my calendar, that tempted me to go off the pill, so that I could drink at these events. I've learned I have to be off it for a while before I can drink, so it takes a pretty special occasion for me to consider drinking. Then it takes deliberate inaction (inaction - not taking the pill) for at least 5 days, in order to accomplish my goal. I have done this before. It is possible.
These last two times, although the events were enticing, I decided to keep taking the pill. For the one event I actually stopped taking it for two days before I decided I'd rather not drink. This last time it was an internal debate for a few days until I realized I was already past the date I would have to have stopped taking the pill, in order to be able to drink on the date in question.
Taking the pill has become so habitual it is self perpetuating. Being sober has become so normal that I actually prefere it. At least 51% of me does.
It still puzzles me that I need this pill. Why can't I be like the rest of you sober sally's and just know, all the time, drinking is not what I want. I'm not able to though. I know without the pill I'd drink the next time I was tempted. It could be a special event. It could be just a moment of stress. If I quit the pill I'd be sober till then but then I'd drink. I don't understand why. So I have to take the pill.
Maybe the rest of you can process the internal argument faster than I do? Maybe I just need more time to think about it. Maybe I just have a short attention span? Is that a squirrel over there?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,248
walk,
maybe "the rest of us" don't all have an internal argument?
i know i don't.
that went by the wayside, the will-i-won't -i, and i have not needed to repeat it .
the pill, i think, is to prescribed to do exactly that: stop the chance of the internal argument for now. but you are using irt to possibly "moderate" for days in advance. so you're not dealing with an impulse/urge to drink, you're pre-planning for future.
it's just a different way to keep drinking in your life.
in effect, taking the pill gives you some more room/longer time for decision-making.
which isn't a bad thing
but it's not helping you , really, if it means you're now having on-going internal struggles about whether to drink five days from now.
maybe "the rest of us" don't all have an internal argument?
i know i don't.
that went by the wayside, the will-i-won't -i, and i have not needed to repeat it .
the pill, i think, is to prescribed to do exactly that: stop the chance of the internal argument for now. but you are using irt to possibly "moderate" for days in advance. so you're not dealing with an impulse/urge to drink, you're pre-planning for future.
it's just a different way to keep drinking in your life.
in effect, taking the pill gives you some more room/longer time for decision-making.
which isn't a bad thing
but it's not helping you , really, if it means you're now having on-going internal struggles about whether to drink five days from now.
Omnivore
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Winter Water Wonder Land
Posts: 516
Originally Posted by fini 
walk,
maybe "the rest of us" don't all have an internal argument?
i know i don't.
maybe "the rest of us" don't all have an internal argument?
i know i don't.
but it's not helping you , really, if it means you're now having on-going internal struggles about whether to drink five days from now.
Still, I wish I was "there." I don't want to depend upon the pill.
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Hi Walk, I'm Fantail.
A couple thoughts... one is that it could be partially a self-fulfilling way of thinking. You sound happy to be on the pill, but you also say frequently things like you're cheating, not really sober, taking the easy way out, etc. So in that sense you're definitely reinforcing a negative behavior to yourself. You're sober, but you're not doing it yourself, so it's ok not to work on things, because you can't fail.
The other thing is just the very real fact that if you always take the elevator instead of the stairs, you're not getting any stronger. I can go to parties now without drinking because I spent a lot of time going to parties, relapsing and hating myself for it... then going and leaving as soon as I hit the danger zone... then going, getting the cravings, and just white knuckling until they went away and I could sort of enjoy myself... and now when I go the cravings don't come and I have fun. You're going to parties but you're not struggling. So you're not practicing, and you're not getting the pay off. The struggle that you do have, which is several days before the party, is an easier struggle and you don't feel ownership/accomplishment for the win.
The end solution is the same though... whether your struggle is at the party or before, if you consistently find yourself risking your sobriety over these events, you need to change your lifestyle until you figure out a way to be strong in the face of temptation. The pill sounds like a good fit because it lets you struggle for a few days, so there's more time to do the right thing. But it is also dangerous because if you decide 5 days in advance to drink, then you're 100% going to drink. You're committed at that point.
A couple thoughts... one is that it could be partially a self-fulfilling way of thinking. You sound happy to be on the pill, but you also say frequently things like you're cheating, not really sober, taking the easy way out, etc. So in that sense you're definitely reinforcing a negative behavior to yourself. You're sober, but you're not doing it yourself, so it's ok not to work on things, because you can't fail.
The other thing is just the very real fact that if you always take the elevator instead of the stairs, you're not getting any stronger. I can go to parties now without drinking because I spent a lot of time going to parties, relapsing and hating myself for it... then going and leaving as soon as I hit the danger zone... then going, getting the cravings, and just white knuckling until they went away and I could sort of enjoy myself... and now when I go the cravings don't come and I have fun. You're going to parties but you're not struggling. So you're not practicing, and you're not getting the pay off. The struggle that you do have, which is several days before the party, is an easier struggle and you don't feel ownership/accomplishment for the win.
The end solution is the same though... whether your struggle is at the party or before, if you consistently find yourself risking your sobriety over these events, you need to change your lifestyle until you figure out a way to be strong in the face of temptation. The pill sounds like a good fit because it lets you struggle for a few days, so there's more time to do the right thing. But it is also dangerous because if you decide 5 days in advance to drink, then you're 100% going to drink. You're committed at that point.
Omnivore
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Winter Water Wonder Land
Posts: 516
Originally Posted by fantail
Hi Walk, I'm Fantail.
A couple thoughts... one is that it could be partially a self-fulfilling way of thinking. You sound happy to be on the pill, but you also say frequently things like you're cheating, not really sober, taking the easy way out, etc. So in that sense you're definitely reinforcing a negative behavior to yourself.
A couple thoughts... one is that it could be partially a self-fulfilling way of thinking. You sound happy to be on the pill, but you also say frequently things like you're cheating, not really sober, taking the easy way out, etc. So in that sense you're definitely reinforcing a negative behavior to yourself.
The other thing is just the very real fact that if you always take the elevator instead of the stairs, you're not getting any stronger.
I can go to parties now without drinking because I spent a lot of time going to parties, relapsing and hating myself for it... then going and leaving as soon as I hit the danger zone... then going, getting the cravings, and just white knuckling until they went away and I could sort of enjoy myself... and now when I go the cravings don't come and I have fun.
It scares me though to think I need a few relapses to get sober.
You're going to parties but you're not struggling. So you're not practicing, and you're not getting the pay off. The struggle that you do have, which is several days before the party, is an easier struggle and you don't feel ownership/accomplishment for the win.
No, seriously, I have to stop saying that. I won with some needed help that was legally available. It is not cheating. It is also not doing it the strongest way possible but I'm not ready yet to try it without help. Someday, I hope, I will.
Omnivore
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Winter Water Wonder Land
Posts: 516
Originally Posted by trachemys
Hey walk. I forget where I read it. 60% of people that successfully quit drinking just quit. They just quit drinking.
Yah, I wish. That didn't work for me.
Hats off though to the 60%!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Walk,
I love Fantail's post, and I also see the benefit of walking before you run.
Maybe its a bit like having an epideral when you have a baby, its a bit of a cheat, but if you get there in the end, whose counting.
I think your underlying concern is whether you are going to get there in the end or whether your crutch will leave you half fixed. I think that depends on you.
Lets face it, 90% of this is in our head, and if the pill keeps you from fixing your head, then you have an issue when you stop taking the pill. But if you are fixing your head while taking the pill, then its just a little insurance policy.
It sounds from the fact that you were twice planning to drink even with the pill, you have not accepted the never again part of this. For me, that is essential, and hard. But without it, I am just buying time.
But better with the pill than drinking that is for sure.
I love Fantail's post, and I also see the benefit of walking before you run.
Maybe its a bit like having an epideral when you have a baby, its a bit of a cheat, but if you get there in the end, whose counting.
I think your underlying concern is whether you are going to get there in the end or whether your crutch will leave you half fixed. I think that depends on you.
Lets face it, 90% of this is in our head, and if the pill keeps you from fixing your head, then you have an issue when you stop taking the pill. But if you are fixing your head while taking the pill, then its just a little insurance policy.
It sounds from the fact that you were twice planning to drink even with the pill, you have not accepted the never again part of this. For me, that is essential, and hard. But without it, I am just buying time.
But better with the pill than drinking that is for sure.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4,252
I am one of the 60% who just quit drinking. No problem. 2 tries and I was done. No drinking now for 10 years. BUT....I immediately started up with Vicodin. That gradually got worse and worse over the next several years until I was a complete addict. I loved my Vicodin. I took 10 a day, some times more, for a long time. I knew I was in trouble. I stopped it finally after a hideous detox. I was only able to stay off it by completely drying up my sources. Then I started on the road to benzos. Last summer I had my last benzo. To say detoxing from benzos was hideous is to gloss it over. It was the most horrible thing I ever experienced. And it lasted for a couple of months. I am now free. I have to work closely with a psychiatrist and a therapist.
But this feels tenuous. Sometimes I want to get high so bad I can hardly stand it. I do the best I can. My rational mind does not want to be an addict but my evil twin wants what it wants. I say if you have to take a med to keep you sober, take it and don't feel bad about it. We all have to do what we have to do. One thing I do is to try very hard to stay in the present and accept there is a certain flatness to the straight world. I can be my own worst enemy if I let my mind wander into the hazy world of the addict. And believe me that world calls me. But it is gradually getting easier.
But this feels tenuous. Sometimes I want to get high so bad I can hardly stand it. I do the best I can. My rational mind does not want to be an addict but my evil twin wants what it wants. I say if you have to take a med to keep you sober, take it and don't feel bad about it. We all have to do what we have to do. One thing I do is to try very hard to stay in the present and accept there is a certain flatness to the straight world. I can be my own worst enemy if I let my mind wander into the hazy world of the addict. And believe me that world calls me. But it is gradually getting easier.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Originally Posted by sleepie
Here are some drawings to ease your irritations with me.
Is any kind of non-addicting sleepy pill no option for you? I would go nuts from insomnia with no sleepy pill.
Walk, you getting some awesome input and sharing from everybody, that I finding helpful also. So thanks everybody! Not sure what I can add Walk, except pill shmill, is no shame to that. It make sense the "struggle" part get shifted onto the pill. But at least it make struggle more winnable.
Like you, is something in me not really want to quit, even though I total wants to quit more than anything ever in entire life. But. What is it? Where is it? I could has go in-patient last year, but I stay sober almost 3 weeks to convince therapist I not need in-patient, and we both confident I on my way to real sobriety, and name was taken off intake list, and ... ...cut to me sucking down bottles of wine in front of the TV. Whole thing was a long con by Addict Cow. I didn't even really know I was doing it! Or did I? I not sure. I not can be trusted, that what I know for sure. I got lot of work still to do with Addict Cow. A lot. Ay yi yi! God speed, brutha. God Speed.
Omnivore
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Winter Water Wonder Land
Posts: 516
Yah, Cow, at least I'm staying sober. That is not nothing. No matter how I got here, it is something. Better than before. It is also noteworthy that the pill that helps me get there is not giving me some other kind of buzz. I'm really sober.
The 49% of me that still wants to drink is a worry. No doubt about that.
How goes the writing? I wish you could tell us what it is for.
The 49% of me that still wants to drink is a worry. No doubt about that.
How goes the writing? I wish you could tell us what it is for.
Omnivore
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Winter Water Wonder Land
Posts: 516
Cow -
I just thought, your experience being on the wait list for in-patient, that is kind of like the pill for me. I take it and can't drink or else I will suffer some self imposed consequences that are unacceptable. Maybe you could put yourself on the wait list again and stay on it. First time you slip up - in you go.
Might not work though. My consequences are unavoidable once I take the pill. I don't imagine there is a way to sign away your consent to be in-patient, so Addict Cow could always pull the plug on that. Or maybe not? Is there a way to ensure you go inpatient if you slip up? Maybe just you give your word on that deal to someone you don't want to disappoint?
I just thought, your experience being on the wait list for in-patient, that is kind of like the pill for me. I take it and can't drink or else I will suffer some self imposed consequences that are unacceptable. Maybe you could put yourself on the wait list again and stay on it. First time you slip up - in you go.
Might not work though. My consequences are unavoidable once I take the pill. I don't imagine there is a way to sign away your consent to be in-patient, so Addict Cow could always pull the plug on that. Or maybe not? Is there a way to ensure you go inpatient if you slip up? Maybe just you give your word on that deal to someone you don't want to disappoint?
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