Fabat50

I don't know if you guys in USA know that song.. the Teddy Bears Picnic. Why the hell I am I talking about a Teddy Bears Picnic?

Because after posting on and off here for 3 weeks and having stop start attempts to get sober I decided yesterday , with your encouragement, that EXERCISE is joing to be one of THE main strands of my recovery plan.

So I jumped out of bed this morning, put on the walking boots and instead of doing a pathetic 5 minute "tour around the block" to ease my conscience and tell myself I really am exercising the dog... I headed out to the woods. The dog was doing somersaults he was so excited.

Once we got into the wood, where I have not been for a long long time, my mind was thinking things over at a hundred miles an hour. I realised that I was shuffling along like an old person, hunched and tight at the shoulders, looking down at the floor as I moved one slow step at a time and my stomach in knots. So I forced myself to look up, and around, to see to feel to smell tou touch. It is a beautiful day, the fresh air in my lungs, the bright blue skys casting shadows through the undergrowth, the golden leaves tumbling from the trees into my hair and crisp underfoot, I could see deers in the distance and hear the birds calling to each other. It was breathtaking. And then out of no where I just started sobbing. Am crying now as I write this. Heart gut wenching sobs. How did I get here? What have I done to myself? What have I done to my family? Am I ever ever going to make amends for some of the terrible things I have done? Can I do this? Will I ever get my reputation as a kind and reliable person back? Can I really get healthy? Why doesn't anybody love me? What did I do to deserve this. I cried and cried ... rage... self pity... self doubt.... and wanted to scream at the pain of it all. You can laugh if you want to.. I am 50 and I just wanted my Mum to hug me and say you will be all right. Made it home still sobbing.

Am now home crying in front of the key board.

Just needed to write all that. Don't know why

ScottFromWI

Thanks for sharing fabat, sounds like a great moment of self reflection. Crying and letting it out is part of the recovery process, and your emotions are bound to be all over the map at this stage. All of the questions you ask will have answers in time, and all of the things that worry you can absolutely get better with a commitment to sobriety.

Fly N Buy

There are many kinds of spiritual awakenings, sounds to me like you just had one perhaps.

Many of us here were given a gift - a look in the mirror. For some, that gift has changed our lives.

Thanks for the post, you are not alone friend!

doggonecarl

Early recovery is a emotional roller coaster. It gets better. But you have to get past the self-fulfilling prophecy of failure, the "I can't get past day four..." thinking. You have to remove completely the option of drinking, accept never drinking again, and do whatever it takes to support that decision.

Exercise is a great component of any healthy lifestyle. But it's not a recovery program in itself. It won't deal with the issues your morning in the woods revealed. Sobriety will, or at least will be the start.

Good luck.

JD

Fabat, that's great news that you're getting out and getting exercise. That's been a big part of my plan too. Seeing how beautiful the world is is carthartic and meditative. Keep up the great work!

zjw

sounds normal. our emotions are out of wack initially. Dont let the bad emotions over run you however. it sounds like going for a walk in the woods did you some good. I'd go back and do it again tommorrow.

I like your point about looking up. I've had that myself out for a walk feeling crappy and i think i better look up i look up and see the gorgeous views and i'm like instantly feeling better. There is something to the old saying "chin up" or "keep your head up" etc..

Hang in there it will work out.

Ultramarathoner

I'd rather be lost in the woods- than found in a city!

Sounds like you found something meaningful and soul-affirming this morning. It's been said that if there's hope in the present, there is power in the future.

I wish you peace, strength, comfort, and hope.

advbike

The woods are awesome! It's a spiritual place for me also. You probably had an emotional reaction to all the beauty and it broke down some walls. Most of us stuff our feelings.. it's good to let them out.

Good luck, stay sober!

soberclover

This post made me smile....so great when sobriety helps people have these type of moments!

My Dad always sang me the Teddy Bear Picnic song

Hevyn

I loved your positive post, Fabat. (I used to dance around the house to Teddy Bear's Picnic all the time as a little girl.)

A good, cleansing cry isn't a bad thing. We've kept feelings bottled up for so long. Keep on posting & let us know how it's going.

On The Road

Fabat. I'm glad to hear that exercise is a part of your plan for both physical and mental health.

As for emotions, in early sobriety it's common to feel all sorts of things. Give yourself some time to sort through it all. I find weekly therapy extremely helpful in dealing with my underlying "issues."

While it may not appear so right now, your experience today is a gift. I hope you will look back at it as a moment that helped you continue your journey to sobriety.

Stick with it. Work your plan. And make sure you do everything in your power to go to bed sober tonight. I'm cheering for you!

Elektrix

One word came to my mind while reading this and that is HEALING.

I think that what you're experiencing is part of that process and should be embraced, painful as it may be.

Soberwolf

#Awesome

Berrybean

Sometimes being away from all those distractions (TV; other people; radio; chores; etc.; etc.; etc.) gives us the mind-space to do some pretty deep reflection. Sounds like you did some right there in those woods. Assessing where you are now, and where you want to get to is a great starting block for more recovery work.

*Hugs* - ALL those things you're hoping for are possible. Not overnight perhaps, but certainly in the near future. Stay sober and work on your recovery and the results can be amazing.

Are you going to meetings at the moment? If so, it might be good to get to one today

Carver

Those lovely feelings you have whilst out in nature, the gorgeous fresh air in your lungs and the good feeling...that's what sobriety feels like all the time. Stop drinking for a month or two, and you'll see that I'm right

And definitely get out to the woods with your dog as often as you can, it calms the mind and cleanses the soul

entropy1964

Hey there
I'm 50 as well and never had the love and support of my Mom. I realize I have an inner child that I need to nurture myself. That inner child is deeply attached to my drinking. Learning to sooth myself and tell that inner child that everything WILL be ok is very important. It sounds goofy, but it works.

Fabat50

That does not sound goofy at all. I totally understand what you are saying. And I am sorry you did not have support from your Mum. My Mum is an angel but she lives in another country and is getting quite elderly. It is just one (of many things) which upsets me. But I know that she hates me drinking (even though I have tried to hide it from her ) and she hates seeing me so unhappy. So there is yet another good reason to get sober. To let my Mum live out her old age in peace.

Fabat50

So here I am yet another DAY 4. And after my ramblings about Groundhog Day, Breakdowns in the woods, Teddy Bears Picnics and God knows what else I am actually feeling quite focussed today. More so than on my previous day 4s. What's different this time? I have read every word of your messages advice and support, I have been back to the Psychiatrist and learnt how to use the medication the Doc has given me wisely and properly, have started to exercise, had a noisy crying meltdown which actually helped and am now firmy focussed on the action plan itself rather than the decision to stop. Until now the fact that I had "decided" to stop was all consuming to me if that makes sense. I could not look further than that. "Action plan? What action plan? I stopped yesterday didn't I, isn't that action enough? lol"

So last night I went to my AA mtg for the second time. I went to one a long time ago and felt bored, uncomfortable and as if I wasted my time. At the time there were only 3 other people there and I was convinced that the host was stoned! Anyway with your encouragement decided to give it another try.

There were still only 6 people there. As I live in an area where AA is not particularly recognised and they only meet once a week. They start the step one in September every year and take 1 step one month at a time. So basically I was listening to stuff about step 3 and not really getting what was going on. As I have previously mentioned I am not religious in the least so I just don't feel this is right for me .. the combination of so few people, and having missed the first few steps which seem important?? And there was no talk of sponsors or Mentors.

So I then looked at Rational Recovery. I did the crash course. It seems very "aggressive" and un yielding. "Whatever you do don't attach yourself to self help forums" is just one piece of advice! Although I do like the idea of saying now "I am sober and alcohol no longer plays part of my life " rather than "one day at a time".

So questions... does everyone who has succeeded here use AA or Rational Recovery? Or have some people just done it 'their own way"?

Sorry if I am rambling. Am excited about my new future. I opened my eyes this morning and my first thought was "Is this a sober day or a hangover day. When I realised it was a hangover free day I almost punched the air with relief"

Berrybean

I use AA.

Sponsorship and the steps are unlikely to be explained to you on your first meeting. Most groups let people find their feet a bit first. Was it a Big Book meetings (ie. they read the Big Book in the meeting?) That can be helpful further down the line, but initially just being with people who understand you can be useful.

If you're interested in finding out about Steps 1-3 at home there are various ways of doing this.

1) read the Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous : Read the Big Book and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions
2) read the 12 and 12 Alcoholics Anonymous : Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions
3) Make use of some of the speaker tapes online 5500+ AA Speakers & Tapes - Organized & Mobile-Friendly!
Some of them are really good, and this is how I got a lot of my earlier understanding of the step work before I moved to my current location, asked someone to sponsor me, and started attending a 12-and 12 meeting, and a Big Book meeting (the meetings I went to at first were more general share meetings and people tended not to talk much about the steps or their personal recovery work (which is what I have found really helpful this last year).

I'd also really recommend reading Living Sober as it has some brilliant tips for how to enjoy living in sobriety rather than just tolerating it. Alcoholics Anonymous : Living Sober

All the AA publications are available from Amazon (and I bought the Kindle versions so I can read in public without worrying whose looking at my book cover) but we can't put retail links on this site.

I know it sounds like everyone in AA is religious, but give it time and you will realise that this just isn't so. AA is not a religious program, but a spiritual one. Everyone chooses their own Higher Power, and these are very varied. For me, I have just accepted that (1) it is not ME. And (2) It's okay for me to not understand it - why would I? For others it may be Nature or Love or Fellowship, or Family or Balance - and then there's a few people who do choose a God from an organised religion. The point is more about accepting that we are not in control of everything, and that we can experience a kind of freedom by accepting things that we cannot change. And that freedom allows us to focus on the things that we can change, and need to change, in order to reach a state of peace with ourselves.

I hope that's some help - if there's more specific info that'd be helpful, please feel free to ask

ScottFromWI

Congrats on Day 4 Fabat. It's great that you are giving AA another try. The steps are generally worked on your own and outside of the meeting anyway, so you didn't "miss" anything. If you are thinking of getting a sponsor just ask, even in small groups the sponsor is a key element in working the AA program. You can find out a lot more here in the 12-step forums.

The Rational recovery website does seem a bit daunting in the way the program is presented, but it is not really like that in practice. Do some more reading on the subject, you can also find lots of folks who practice it in the Secular forum.

Regarding your question, there are lots of people here who use or have used AA and/or AVRT. There are other methods too...and many combinations are possible. If you haven't yet, read this thread which explains the many different ways people go about it The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com

The bottom line though is that any plan, even if it is your own, is going to require work and effort on a daily basis by you. And it is going to require you to do things that you don't want to do. It will require you to change as well - change in your daily life that may not feel all that comfortable at first.

So while AA or AVRT might not seem to be "right for you" at this time, remember that any plan is probably not going to feel right at first. For one thing all of them will require you to stop drinking...which won't feel right at all. And all methods will make you focus on things you are uncomfortable thinking about ...like the underlying issues that may go hand in hand with your addiction.

All of the hard work and uncomfortable times are well worth it though because the reward of sober life for an alcoholic is truly a new beginning.