grateful850

Hey I've been a member on this forum for years but usually just read. Anyways Ive been sober for four years and I'm really close to drinking again. I recently got dumped unexpectedly by my ex of 1 year. She said a major factor in the breakup was my non social behavior at drinking gatherings/weddings etc. Which I only went to because of her. Also she enjoyed drinking and partying but stopped it during the relationship. Anyways this has me thinking that if I was still drinking none of this would have happened. Ibfeel like I need to drink to be a normal member of society again and to meet women. I know this isn't trye, but I have lost the strength I once had. I no longer find the same happiness in the small things like I used too, like a good dinner or after work cigarette or a good game on TV. I'm struggling guys and I need help.

tursiops999

Hi grateful --

You have four years, which is awesome. Maybe think back to how it was right before you got sober? Do you want to go back to that?

From your old posts, it looks like you were active in AA -- are you still connected to the program?

A big breakup like that must be really painful ... I know I would need to pull out all my sober tools & support to get through it.

There are lots of women out there who don't drink, and who would love & stand by a partner who didn't drink. Especially if they knew his life depended on it! You deserve someone who loves you and supports you exactly as you are ... a sober recovering alcoholic.

grateful850

Thank you. You're right I was a mess at the end of my drinking career. I quit going to aa awhile ago. The meetings made me very uncomfortable. I used to come on SR every single day but I got away from that. I also havent been doing any of the tools that helped me get sober. I need to get back on track with that.

tursiops999

Grateful, you can do this -- you've done it before. We're here for you.

FeelingGreat

Hi grateful, can you list on a piece of paper or on SR the reasons you wanted to stop drinking? Take your time because after 4 years the memory might have begun to fade.
Chances are you and your gf might not have been compatible from the start. I can understand an outgoing person who has no trouble with alcohol wanting to behave more naturally and believing you're cramping her style, but everyone's different and that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you.
Can I suggest you try really hard to get out more, but in activities where you're engaged in some activity and which don't revolve around drinking? It would be great if you could meet other introverts. Things like hiking, book clubs, courses, etc.
Because you're not outgoing, it might be worth setting yourself a goal of X number of activities per month to force yourself.

Dee74

I know this is painful Grateful - but maybe you met the wrong person?

No disrespect to you or your ex partner, but I think it's really important to hold out for someone who accepts us as we are?

Don't lose heart

D

DarkDays

Ask a drinker to tell you why you should drink , most cannot !

Drinking always produces the same results not drinking does not !!

I was close to relapse this summer but done a bit of reading on here blogs etc and thanked god I did . Grind through these feelings ,all that awaits if you drink again is the rinse and repeat cycle .
Grind it

Sober is cool.

dru1085

4 years sober is a crazy accomplishment especially like you mentioned.. today they make alcohol seem so socially acceptable at almost every event... seems like you hit that trigger that makes you want to cope with the stress by drinking. When I quit 12 days ago I realized a lot of other effects besides alcohol withdrawals .. I was like I should be happy now right? Thinking is different then feeling. I am having to reteach my self how to speak "feeling" all over again. And its so much easier without alcohol in the system. I've lost some good girls myself due to drinking , its just not worth it. Keep your head up .

Dru -

SnoozyQ

Hi Grateful

Sadly this is a relationship that isn't meant to be. Knowing you are an alcoholic , she should be supporting you in that.

I'm sure if you drank around her & friends and tried to be social , odds on you would end up making a dick of yourself and being totally remorseful the next day.

Luckily this has come out sooner rather Than later. I've noticed more and more in my sobriety that not everyone drinks .

One thing I do know is that having just recently relapsed after 2 sober years it's very , very hard to drag yourself back. There is NOTHING good about it. The hangovers are 100 times worse. The vomiting , the headaches , the impending doom, the heart palpitations , it's just disgusting.

It's also very scary as to how quickly it escalates from a couple of glasses to full blown drinking within a couple of weeks.

Don't do it. This will pass.

4 years is bloody awesome , seriously.

The right girl is out there somewhere , but you won't find her if you're drunk.

Good luck xxxxx

Gottalife

Hi Grateful,
I don't seee why you shouldn't be ok. You are reacting in a sane way, seeking help and support. Most people that relapse IME tend not to do that unless it adds to their drama.

I went through one of life's low spots with the illness and eventual loss of my wife. It never occured to me to drink. I wondered why that was when another person of long sobriety fell of the wagon in the same circumstances. I found my answer on page 13 or 14 of the Big Book where Ebby is telling Bill that faith without works is dead. "Unless a man continues to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through self sacrifice and service to others, he [B][B]will not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead.

What was the difference between the two of us? We were both going to meetings but I had taken the steps and was actively working with another alcoholic (sponsoring), and the other person hadn't and wasn't.

I have noticed that those acively giving it away seem to be able to survive lifes ups and downs much better than those who don't.

For me, gratitude is an action word. By showing my gratitude through helping others, the obsession stayed away.

advbike

Don't do it man. Go to meetings, reach out on SR, and find someone who doesn't drink. It makes things so much easier.

Kallistia

The long and short of it is you cannot drink your way back into this relationship to prove that she is wrong. You can drink, but that's going to bring up an entirely new set of problems - for now her reason is "you don't drink" - next month her reason could just as easily be "you drink too much".

There's the right one out there for you, and that one...she isn't the right one.

Your relationship with your sobriety has been going much longer than your relationship with her, you got this man

Rar

Hi Grateful - I cannot add anything more useful than what the others have already offered. I thought Kallistia's comment, "for now her reason is "you don't drink" - next month her reason could just as easily be "you drink too much"" would likely play out if you pick up.

Don't do it Grateful! ((HUGS))

zjw

just be yourself you dont have to be anything anyone else thinks you should be. you wanna not be social at a gathering that makes you feel good so be it. You did your part you showed up you went you got out of your comfort zone etc.. you went to these events and still refused to drink wich is a victory in itself. if these are things she has issues with and cant see past oh well.

But if you think going to these events and drinknig and so on is going to make your life better by all means knock yourself out. But I think you realize that it wont.

You are as you are it just is the way that it is. If she cant accept it? ::shrug:: oh well.

easier said then done i guess.

RoyGBiv

Yup. And the chances of finding a successful and healthy relationship as an alcoholic are Zero.

Drinking just guarantees failure going forward. Sobriety leaves the door of opportunity open.

waynetheking

A lot of good advice here grateful. The only thing I can add is just remember that alcoholism is a deadly disease. It kills us. No break up is worth your life. Just move on and stay sober.

grateful850

I can't thank all of you enough. Each one of your posts made me feel better. I mean that. I'm still sober today. Being emotionally devastated can make you really crazy. I'm working hard to stay on track, I know how much I will regret drinking. I'll be on here a lot more now.

MIRecovery

I don't think that things that challenge our addiction and character defects are supposed to make us feel comfortable. Change is never easy or without pain

waynetheking

Glad to hear it grateful. You're needed here. Thank you!

Tooshabby

Way to go, grateful. 4 years is fantastic - no turning back. The emotional pain will ease in time, and like you say, drinking will only make you feel worse. You're doing great!