Another, another sleepless night.
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Yeah the times when it actually does feel okay is when I get angry and then just not care at all and its like hmm, where'd all that worry and panic go? Gone!
davaidavai - Yeah I think that occurs when people have other issues such as anxiety and all that before they started drinking or developed when they did. I think that was my problem. When i drank I had some anxiety but not really anything to be so worried about all the time. When I quit though thats when it started, so obviously I was medicating something to begin with. It has gotten slightly better for me after 2 months so perhaps alcohol was 50% my problem? I don't know, in any case it all depends on how long you drank too along with several other factors. Doesn't matter in the end, alcohol and other substances definitely makes it worse!
That's okay though this is all temporary and it will pass, we just need to learn how to live and deal with all this crap without the alcohol.
davaidavai - Yeah I think that occurs when people have other issues such as anxiety and all that before they started drinking or developed when they did. I think that was my problem. When i drank I had some anxiety but not really anything to be so worried about all the time. When I quit though thats when it started, so obviously I was medicating something to begin with. It has gotten slightly better for me after 2 months so perhaps alcohol was 50% my problem? I don't know, in any case it all depends on how long you drank too along with several other factors. Doesn't matter in the end, alcohol and other substances definitely makes it worse!
That's okay though this is all temporary and it will pass, we just need to learn how to live and deal with all this crap without the alcohol.
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I really don't know.
Life takes a lot of self parenting. Like today, I want to go walk to this bar that has 3 dollar drafts, and drink 5 of these, telling myself that that will be enough. Then I will probably go to the liquor store, get 2 nips of whiskey and another beer and go home, drink those, and possibly drink more after, stay up late facebooking and defeaning my eardrums with music I don't really like, blasted through ear buds as I sit up in bed until the wee hours, my own little party. Then around 3, I'll wake up in a literal delirious panic waking nightmare state, which will take a long time to calm down, as I try to fall asleep, drifting back in and out of low blood sugar panic.
Needless to say, tomorrow will be punted. Although I do sort of miss the 4 day hang over period. Getting through that was an occupation in and of itself. Like, ok, no need to think about the future, I'm only getting through this hang over, getting through.
The alternative is like "I exist." The most bare, spare, dry frame of existing. I feel better than 30 minutes ago. It's like I throw these micro tantrums, want life now, and the pain is in struggling against the blank, lonely moment.
Life takes a lot of self parenting. Like today, I want to go walk to this bar that has 3 dollar drafts, and drink 5 of these, telling myself that that will be enough. Then I will probably go to the liquor store, get 2 nips of whiskey and another beer and go home, drink those, and possibly drink more after, stay up late facebooking and defeaning my eardrums with music I don't really like, blasted through ear buds as I sit up in bed until the wee hours, my own little party. Then around 3, I'll wake up in a literal delirious panic waking nightmare state, which will take a long time to calm down, as I try to fall asleep, drifting back in and out of low blood sugar panic.
Needless to say, tomorrow will be punted. Although I do sort of miss the 4 day hang over period. Getting through that was an occupation in and of itself. Like, ok, no need to think about the future, I'm only getting through this hang over, getting through.
The alternative is like "I exist." The most bare, spare, dry frame of existing. I feel better than 30 minutes ago. It's like I throw these micro tantrums, want life now, and the pain is in struggling against the blank, lonely moment.
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For me were only a handful of joyful moments with alcohol and 'people'. Maybe for lonely people those moments loom large and get bigger and bigger as the years drag on so that you can't really remember, that was only a night, not a week of nights. That was only 2 hours, not a night.
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Sparklekitty- your thoughts? If your partner had pointed out you were co-dependant and wanted you to go to AL Anon what would you think? What I have read kind of demonizes the addict and paints the co-dependant as the saint. I keep telling my boyfriend that co-dependancy is not good and I am always trying to make sure I don't rely on him too heavily and I have given up on hoping for him to be emotionally supportive so I understand that I am alone in this as I have been most of my life with many things. I have asked him to go to Al Anon and he won't. I'm the addict and the "trouble" one so why then am I concerned with his well being? I would even leave if it was better for him but he doesn't seem to want me to.
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If your boyfriend is codependent but doesn't see it or sees it but doesn't wish to change, then that is something you must accept and factor into your decision-making about the future of your relationship. Codies can be super-stubborn, and so much in our society reinforces the idea that take care of others at the expense of taking care of yourself is "noble" or "honorable" that it can be difficult to convince someone that it isn't healthy.
As far as Al-Anon, I have not been (my recovery took place in one-on-one counseling), but I think the idea that it demonizes the addict is a generalization that wouldn't hold up. In Al-Anon, people are encouraged to focus on their own behavior, not the addict's. To accept that they aren't the Cause, Cure, or Controller of another person's addiction, and to learn to change the things they can -- namely their behaviors and choices towards their loved one.
I think it is very natural to be concerned about your loved one's well being, but my personal belief is that in relationships, the best thing we can do for our partners and ourselves is to accept each other for exactly who they are right now and to make decisions accordingly. You've told him your thoughts and offered suggestions, and he hasn't made changes. If what you really want is a partner who is more capable of being emotionally supportive, you don't do either yourself or him any favors by staying in a relationship where your needs aren't being met. When I was with my ex, who was an alcoholic, I had to accept that *I* was the one with the problem with his drinking -- he was perfectly content to keep on as things were. I had to accept that all I was getting out of that relationship was a barrier to other relationships that had the potential to actually fulfill my needs.
All that being said, I know that a lot of AA groups recommend not making any major life changes during the first year of sobriety and that sounds sensible to me. I can't imagine what it takes to overcome an addiction, but it seems like the energy and focus it requires is enormous.
As far as Al-Anon, I have not been (my recovery took place in one-on-one counseling), but I think the idea that it demonizes the addict is a generalization that wouldn't hold up. In Al-Anon, people are encouraged to focus on their own behavior, not the addict's. To accept that they aren't the Cause, Cure, or Controller of another person's addiction, and to learn to change the things they can -- namely their behaviors and choices towards their loved one.
I think it is very natural to be concerned about your loved one's well being, but my personal belief is that in relationships, the best thing we can do for our partners and ourselves is to accept each other for exactly who they are right now and to make decisions accordingly. You've told him your thoughts and offered suggestions, and he hasn't made changes. If what you really want is a partner who is more capable of being emotionally supportive, you don't do either yourself or him any favors by staying in a relationship where your needs aren't being met. When I was with my ex, who was an alcoholic, I had to accept that *I* was the one with the problem with his drinking -- he was perfectly content to keep on as things were. I had to accept that all I was getting out of that relationship was a barrier to other relationships that had the potential to actually fulfill my needs.
All that being said, I know that a lot of AA groups recommend not making any major life changes during the first year of sobriety and that sounds sensible to me. I can't imagine what it takes to overcome an addiction, but it seems like the energy and focus it requires is enormous.
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Lately I have been forcing changes on him like making myself scarce so that he keeps busy with his hobby which he enjoys. Do you think it's possible someone who is an addict is not entirely selfish? Because I don't think I am.
Also is it unfair for someone to help a loved one or just be there for them? Is recovering from addiction a thing where you really should not involve your partner in any way? That's what I try to do now. I guess I just figured I was being needy and so I dropped the idea of getting emotional support. I've done without it most of my life anyway so it's not new.
Also is it unfair for someone to help a loved one or just be there for them? Is recovering from addiction a thing where you really should not involve your partner in any way? That's what I try to do now. I guess I just figured I was being needy and so I dropped the idea of getting emotional support. I've done without it most of my life anyway so it's not new.
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Originally Posted by sleepie 
Lately I have been forcing changes on him like making myself scarce so that he keeps busy with his hobby which he enjoys. Do you think it's possible someone who is an addict is not entirely selfish? Because I don't think I am.
Also is it unfair for someone to help a loved one or just be there for them? Is recovering from addiction a thing where you really should not involve your partner in any way? That's what I try to do now. I guess I just figured I was being needy and so I dropped the idea of getting emotional support. I've done without it most of my life anyway so it's not new.
Also is it unfair for someone to help a loved one or just be there for them? Is recovering from addiction a thing where you really should not involve your partner in any way? That's what I try to do now. I guess I just figured I was being needy and so I dropped the idea of getting emotional support. I've done without it most of my life anyway so it's not new.
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I think it is fair to expect emotional support from a partner, but important to also recognize that someone with no experience in addiction may simply not be able to understand what you are dealing with. I think the Fellowship of programs like AA and Al-Anon is incredibly important when it comes to finding emotional support from people who really understand.
And yes of course I believe it is possible for someone who is an addict to not be entirely selfish.
You are living proof of that -- I see you reaching out on other people's threads and offering your experience and support all the time.
When I wonder whether or not I'm being co-dependent in a situation I ask myself a few questions:
1) Is what I am doing or offering to do for someone else something they CAN do for themselves, but just, for whatever reason, don't or won't? If so, it might be codependent.
2) Am I intervening on someone else's behalf in order to prevent them from experiencing the consequences of their own choices and actions? If so, it might be codependent. I don't really believe I have the right to keep someone else from learning or growing in a meaningful way in order to ease my own conscience or to not be uncomfortable myself. However, if their consequences affect me directly, I will take action to separate myself from that liability.
3) Why am I doing this? Is it just to make myself feel more comfortable or to get recognition? On some level, the answer is always YES here, but sometimes, it can be more codie than others, and I've learned to tell the difference.
Regarding your therapist's vacation -- that is WEIRD! Unless there was some hidden meaning there, you're not paying to hear about his vacations!!
And yes of course I believe it is possible for someone who is an addict to not be entirely selfish.
You are living proof of that -- I see you reaching out on other people's threads and offering your experience and support all the time. When I wonder whether or not I'm being co-dependent in a situation I ask myself a few questions:
1) Is what I am doing or offering to do for someone else something they CAN do for themselves, but just, for whatever reason, don't or won't? If so, it might be codependent.
2) Am I intervening on someone else's behalf in order to prevent them from experiencing the consequences of their own choices and actions? If so, it might be codependent. I don't really believe I have the right to keep someone else from learning or growing in a meaningful way in order to ease my own conscience or to not be uncomfortable myself. However, if their consequences affect me directly, I will take action to separate myself from that liability.
3) Why am I doing this? Is it just to make myself feel more comfortable or to get recognition? On some level, the answer is always YES here, but sometimes, it can be more codie than others, and I've learned to tell the difference.
Regarding your therapist's vacation -- that is WEIRD! Unless there was some hidden meaning there, you're not paying to hear about his vacations!!
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Well, I have thought about it and I guess I figured, he didn't ask for all this and neither did I. I didn't want to be prone to alcoholism and he didn't want a partner with a leaning towards addictive behavior. He's a drinker too but better controlled, maybe that's why he doesn't judge too harshly. He will go for weeks without drinking.
I guess in his way he is involved. He is not an emotional person. If I need a ride, say to the doctor who is handling my taper, he will give me one. Practical things like that. I am usually worried that I have nothing to offer, being LD and wading through recovery. I always think I am just a lousy partner.
I guess in his way he is involved. He is not an emotional person. If I need a ride, say to the doctor who is handling my taper, he will give me one. Practical things like that. I am usually worried that I have nothing to offer, being LD and wading through recovery. I always think I am just a lousy partner.
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Sparklekitty your input is invaluable, I really appreciate that I can get an insight from "The other side" thank you! I know I have been blunt here, I hope I am not coming off as rude. I just have these burning questions!
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Here's what I think -- if you're doing the best you can, every day, with what you've got, then the problem of whether or not you're a "lousy partner" is his to wrestle with. The fact that he has stuck around would suggest otherwise.
You've dealt with tremendous challenges. You're still dealing with them and likely will for a long time ahead (though it will get easier). Building a really healthy self-esteem from unfair and unfortunate childhood challenges is a lengthy, layered, complex process that happens one minute, one day, one challenge at a time. I am an Adult Child of an Alcoholic and my whole life revolved around making sure my Mom was happy so she didn't drink. I never learned to pay attention to my own needs and I learned that I was not worthy of love and acceptance as-is. It took a long time for me to understand that the environment I grew up in was not My Fault, that my mom's alcoholism was not My Fault, that I WAS good enough and worthy enough for love and acceptance -- but I also learned that the person who had deprived me of that love and acceptance the most was Me. It was frightening at first to face the world on my own and say, "I am enough," but ultimately, it was the thing that has made the most difference in every aspect of my life -- physical, mental, emotional.
I think Winston Churchill said, "When you're going through hell, keep going!" That's what it was like for me. The Other Side of Recovery really does exist -- so even on the low days, I hope we all Keep Going!
You've dealt with tremendous challenges. You're still dealing with them and likely will for a long time ahead (though it will get easier). Building a really healthy self-esteem from unfair and unfortunate childhood challenges is a lengthy, layered, complex process that happens one minute, one day, one challenge at a time. I am an Adult Child of an Alcoholic and my whole life revolved around making sure my Mom was happy so she didn't drink. I never learned to pay attention to my own needs and I learned that I was not worthy of love and acceptance as-is. It took a long time for me to understand that the environment I grew up in was not My Fault, that my mom's alcoholism was not My Fault, that I WAS good enough and worthy enough for love and acceptance -- but I also learned that the person who had deprived me of that love and acceptance the most was Me. It was frightening at first to face the world on my own and say, "I am enough," but ultimately, it was the thing that has made the most difference in every aspect of my life -- physical, mental, emotional.
I think Winston Churchill said, "When you're going through hell, keep going!" That's what it was like for me. The Other Side of Recovery really does exist -- so even on the low days, I hope we all Keep Going!
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Originally Posted by sleepie
Sparklekitty your input is invaluable, I really appreciate that I can get an insight from "The other side" thank you! I know I have been blunt here, I hope I am not coming off as rude. I just have these burning questions!
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Originally Posted by Hypocritical
My sleep pattern seems to worsen the longer I don't drink. Prayerfully it will change soon.
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