zjw

Figured i'd post before i sink to a new low. We got a relative in town. and basicly i never live up to this relatives expectations ya know the type. He's made some personal digs like the comments like Oh you lost over 100lbs but you gained some back probably because you ate such and such and its like umm no probably because i put on some muscle but nice try. But this is the sorta stuff i expect out of this one. Then when mentioning my work issues i get told I could go back to school to gain some new skills for my field. Sure I could rack up thousands in student loans to learn skills in a field I dunno that I even wanna remain in. All while raising 6 kids etc.. and working a full time job. Then when I'm done I can just hope this higher paying secure job is waiting for me? ::facepalm:: Why not play the lotto the odds are prolly better and a lot less headache?

But I know when i respond this person is like Oh he's just negative and lazy. He just doesnt wanna further himself and improve his circumstances things will never change with him. And its like umm no i have a wife and 6 kids and a secure job right now. A job i totally hate but its secure at the moment and theres like no other jobs anyhow. Then he mentioned how great my job is since its secure and i'm like sure but they are also doing layoffs so I do have cause for concern there too!

I dunno since I sobered up a big thing for me is to try and not bite off more then i can chew. I feel like I got a lot on my plate as it is and the thought of hucking on more schooling and such is like yeah umm... when? why?

I know this person could just be one of those people that rubs you rthe wrong way and i should just let it go and ultimately i will. But it urks me becuase its like for once I'd like this person to go ya know your doing a damn good job i can see how you've had to work really hard etc... But nope. when i was a fat lazy chimney smoken drunk i was nothing and when i'm a lean mean running machine with a happy family and i'm sober i'm still a nobody.

I guess on one hand i seriously am happy being a no body so I guess maybe its good I just gotta not let this get to me.

sorry for bothering everyone I just had to vent this isnt hte first time this persons zapped my energy with there nonsense.

NestWasEmpty

zjw You are not a nobody to your family & friends that care about you . Stand tall & proud when your around this person . Look him straight in the eyes & smile - You know your a better person then you once were " as you said in your post". There will always be someone in your life that has a Nasty attitude let it slide of your back

FLCamper

My approach to people like that is to no engage them and avoid anything personal that might give them the opportunity to be demoralizing.
I think people like that try to feel better about themselves by tearing you down.

FarToGo

This person sounds quite threatened by you, otherwise why the need to run you down? Maybe remember to feel pity when dealing with this one, might help, hope so.
Family / relatives stuff is the hardest. Take care of yourself xx

zjw

I think your right I feel this person feels better by standing on others. I'm working hard at not allowing it to get under my skin I know better but it's a fight I long for the day when I'm like pff whatever usually I am. That way with most in this type of situation this one just has a way and it's really my problem I'm the one that keeps expecting them to be someone other then they are then getting upset about it every time realizing nope nothing's changed.

zjw

I've wondered this too I dunno why ya know but there behavior does scream this but it's like geeze why? But sometimes people are threatened and you never do realize why. It is the classic scenario of that but I don't see why is all.

biminiblue

I had a relative like that. Some people just can't mind their own business.

And yeah, exactly what FLCamper said.

Bird615

Good comments here, zjw and you've even said you know what the problem is.

I know that for me, almost every upset I have can point back to some expectation I had. If I can stop having expectations, I can stop being upset, but easier said than done.

From what I've seen of your posts on here, I think you are pretty awesome for all that you've accomplished and for how helpful you are on here, so just never mind that person.

What if you changed your expectation to seeing what they'll say to cut you down this time and either just smiling or not responding at all when they say what you now expect them to say?

MIRecovery

I find toxic people like that are basically unhappy. They can only feel good about themselves by tearing others down.

I just avoid them wherever possible because there too many good people for me to waste my precious time on the bad

tomsteve

sometimes the best response to a fool and their foolish words is silence.
however, i also have a right to let it be known i will not be a doormat for someone elses insecurities.

happybeingme

Maybe say something like:

"Gee, I am sorry I am not living my life up to your expectations but I am pretty happy with where I am at."

Turn it around on them

zjw

I talked to my wife some and she feels this person is making a better effort and that I'm overreacting. I agreed this person is making a better effort il give it that. I also thought more too that if they got some kind of issue that for me to sit here and pick it apart I'm appointing myself as there judge a place I'm not qualified to be in. I'm also taking a problem that they have and making it mine and what for I'm not the one with the problem. I guess it's the old keep you side the street clean thing.

I go through this same issue with a certain set of grandparents always expecting them to be something they are not then being let down all the time. And ya know its kinda like the definition of an idiot how many times am I going to make the same mistake with the expectations?

Oh well I went for a run and I feel a lot better so whatever.

zjw

Yeah that's the thing I could complain all day about how bad my life is but the reality is I got it pretty good and I'm pretty content with my routine and habits etc. I spend a lot of time with my family because I thankfully don't have to slave at some job all the time for now. I've done well not to toot my horn but I've done ok in this life I'm pretty fortunate despite the bumpy ride.

zjw

Part of it too I wonder is some people all the know is the old me. They never bother to take the time to get to know the new me this can be difficult on the relationship

biminiblue

You're so good at figuring this stuff out.

Ken33xx

The worst insult possible to a toxic individual is when you create your own up-leveling and reach the healed point of: “You Are Not My Reality.” There is no greater threat to such a person`s ego than being rendered insignificant and meaningless

Ultimately it is best to : a) stop feeding the person and allowing yourself to be a target and b) not react in any shape or form when the put downs occur.

sleepie

Hi zjw. I'm sorry this person gives you hard time. I have a few like that in my family, and they can make your head spin. It's what they do.
I think it's very possible that people get pretty used to being able to point and say, "Hey look at that guy, he's a drunk, etc. etc." and therefore always be better than you. But if you change, well the party's over and they can't use you to compare themselves to and look good anymore. And people like to talk. Taking note of how much you drink etc. Now they can't do that anymore and they are probably not too happy about it. In other words it sounds like you were a good way for him to bolster himself and now it's gone.

He sounds like he is trying to push your buttons so as to continue making an example of you. Don't take the bait. He has to go away at some point and you can get back to your life, which sounds like it makes you happy. He sounds insecure and unhappy. People like this hate to see others excel. You have obviously worked hard to change and it's much easier to criticize others than do what you did, and he probably can't stand that. You wrecked his game.

leviathan

Yep. What sleepie said. Criticism is an easy refuge for those that are secretly unhappy with themselves. I never see contented folks act like that. Tell them straight out-"I don't remember asking for your advice...".

Easier said than done. Ha!

I have a few of these in my family and I used to pre-medicate for any shared time with them. Now, I pep-talk myself, and try to walk away as soon as humanly possible.

zjw

thanks sleepie I think you nailed it. its true to there is that element of i've done so well and yet you still come alont to crap on my parade WTF!

Ya know like the person quits booze and there significant other makes a comment like yea sure you'll stay sober i'll believe that when hell freezes over etc..

Almost reminds me of that its like the guy seriously doesnt wanna believe that OMFG this guy turned his life around.

But I had to spend another day today with this person it went better today. My kids had a good time I have to wonder if my wife might have said something to him but I dunno. I just smiled and nodded and was polite and played nice etc..

Ken33xx

The toxic individual usaully knows full well what they`re doing and shooting back a quip is feeding them. I find it best to give the person nothing and refuse to participate. Then walk away.

The last time this happened a co-worker made a snide remark (with a smile of course) in front of management. I said nothing and continued talking as if I didn`t hear him. He got the message and never did it again.

You don`t need to respond with a comeback or shoot a dirty look their way. Just refuse to participate.