When to tell your date...
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I used to think about this kind of thing a lot, but in the end there are too many variables to make an advance decision on it, so I have a general policy of not mentioning it to anyone unless a really good reason comes up. And I won't know the reason til it's there. It might be your date mentions her father was a successful and happy member of AA and you decide to share because she'll empathise. There are too many possibilities to predict what might happen. Unless you think it might get very very long term or you're very open about your AA activity generally it's best to keep it private. Women (and men) can get nasty if / when relationships break down or fizzle out, and you wouldn't want someone using your recovery against you, so be careful who you trust generally.
One of the things we can spend a lot of time and energy on are projected conversations (or, as my sponsor calls it, talking to someone who isn't in the room). The 'I'll say, she'll say, I'll say, they'll think, I'll feel...' phenomena takes us out of the moment and has a tendency to ruin stuff. So now I just try to focus on now and if my head starts making those noises I try to recognise it and bring myself back to the moment (e.g. close eyes and focus on the first three noises I hear). If a situation comes up and I think I might need or want to tell someone, then I'll take some time to think about the safety of doing that.
If I'm pestered for a reason of why I DON'T drink, I tend to turn the tables, smile sweetly and ask them to explain why it might be an issue for them that I don't. If the answer is "It isn't an issue" I can then happily change the subject. Anyway - there's nothing wrong with being a man of mystery and intrigue.
One of the things we can spend a lot of time and energy on are projected conversations (or, as my sponsor calls it, talking to someone who isn't in the room). The 'I'll say, she'll say, I'll say, they'll think, I'll feel...' phenomena takes us out of the moment and has a tendency to ruin stuff. So now I just try to focus on now and if my head starts making those noises I try to recognise it and bring myself back to the moment (e.g. close eyes and focus on the first three noises I hear). If a situation comes up and I think I might need or want to tell someone, then I'll take some time to think about the safety of doing that.
If I'm pestered for a reason of why I DON'T drink, I tend to turn the tables, smile sweetly and ask them to explain why it might be an issue for them that I don't. If the answer is "It isn't an issue" I can then happily change the subject. Anyway - there's nothing wrong with being a man of mystery and intrigue.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 831
The OP was asking about dating.
If we are going to expand this to include anyone and everyone who asks me why don't you drink, I usually say it makes me sick. If I know them a little better and can joke around with them sometimes I'll get silly about it and say it makes me "go all cray-cray" or "I get all coo-coo-bananas when I drink." I've also been known to say "I don't have a stop button" and "it negates my meds" without giving more info about what kind of meds I'm taking. I never say it's "because I'm in AA" and if they tell me they are first, I *might* say "I'm in recovery too." Or I might just not say anything at all.
Usually most people don't ask in the first place.
If we are going to expand this to include anyone and everyone who asks me why don't you drink, I usually say it makes me sick. If I know them a little better and can joke around with them sometimes I'll get silly about it and say it makes me "go all cray-cray" or "I get all coo-coo-bananas when I drink." I've also been known to say "I don't have a stop button" and "it negates my meds" without giving more info about what kind of meds I'm taking. I never say it's "because I'm in AA" and if they tell me they are first, I *might* say "I'm in recovery too." Or I might just not say anything at all.
Usually most people don't ask in the first place.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Arizona
Posts: 135
Thank you all for the thoughtful, insightful replies. This is such a wonderful community!
There are those that will say I'm over thinking this but all of these situations have happened to me, more than once. I'm trying to handle them better/explore different options.
I am comfortable telling people I don't drink. I meet a lot of people in my job/travels, and I date a lot of different women. I'm not giving that up.
My job involves boosey sale-sy events and that's not going to change either. Bars do not make me uncomfortable or crave, I was a "stay at home" drunk.
Situation:
You're on a date, you order your NA drink. She asks makes a comment or asks "yo udon't drink? I respond with "I don't drink" or not in the mood for a drink today, and move on. No problem.
When you say you don't drink, there can be a "why," at some point from right then to in the first few dates, she wants to know about you. I can deflect with the methods listed on this site (and have) No problem.
Side note: What happens next is a critical point, as depending on how she reacts I will know how she feels about HER drinking, and if I will see her again.
However, if things go well I am going to have to tell this woman at some point, and she will feel lied to. This is the part I'm worried about. So I can either use the approach I outline below, or I can decide to conceal it and tell her later in life (again if things go well. )
Just as I type this I've decided with cards on the table.
Quitting drinking causes many of us to quit (or reduce) lieing. (Great topic from a recent meeting)
Yes people shouldn't ask "why," and it is none of their business but they do ask, it happens to me all the time, in two countries, at sober and non sober events. Ask any women who decided not to have kids and she will tell you her reproductive choices are regularly questioned.
I love the smoking comparison.
I recently tried Fred's approach, on a 3rd date was asked why, and I said "broken off switch."
There were no follow up questions, and I ended the relationship a few dates later for other reasons.
I think my approach will be not to bring it up. If asked, will say I don't drink. If "Why" comes out I'm probably going to drop the "broken off switch" or "doesn't sit well withe me" comment and move on.
As some of you said, our recovery is part of who we are. I'm not ashamed of who I am.
Thank you all for taking the time to read and comment on my thread.
CJ.
There are those that will say I'm over thinking this but all of these situations have happened to me, more than once. I'm trying to handle them better/explore different options.
I am comfortable telling people I don't drink. I meet a lot of people in my job/travels, and I date a lot of different women. I'm not giving that up.
My job involves boosey sale-sy events and that's not going to change either. Bars do not make me uncomfortable or crave, I was a "stay at home" drunk.
Situation:
You're on a date, you order your NA drink. She asks makes a comment or asks "yo udon't drink? I respond with "I don't drink" or not in the mood for a drink today, and move on. No problem.
When you say you don't drink, there can be a "why," at some point from right then to in the first few dates, she wants to know about you. I can deflect with the methods listed on this site (and have) No problem.
Side note: What happens next is a critical point, as depending on how she reacts I will know how she feels about HER drinking, and if I will see her again.
However, if things go well I am going to have to tell this woman at some point, and she will feel lied to. This is the part I'm worried about. So I can either use the approach I outline below, or I can decide to conceal it and tell her later in life (again if things go well. )
Just as I type this I've decided with cards on the table.
Quitting drinking causes many of us to quit (or reduce) lieing. (Great topic from a recent meeting)
Yes people shouldn't ask "why," and it is none of their business but they do ask, it happens to me all the time, in two countries, at sober and non sober events. Ask any women who decided not to have kids and she will tell you her reproductive choices are regularly questioned.
I love the smoking comparison.
I recently tried Fred's approach, on a 3rd date was asked why, and I said "broken off switch."
There were no follow up questions, and I ended the relationship a few dates later for other reasons.
I think my approach will be not to bring it up. If asked, will say I don't drink. If "Why" comes out I'm probably going to drop the "broken off switch" or "doesn't sit well withe me" comment and move on.
As some of you said, our recovery is part of who we are. I'm not ashamed of who I am.
Thank you all for taking the time to read and comment on my thread.
CJ.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by cejay 
There are those that will say I'm over thinking this
Originally Posted by cejay
I think my approach will be not to bring it up. If asked, will say I don't drink. If "Why" comes out I'm probably going to drop the "broken off switch" or "doesn't sit well withe me" comment and move on.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
There is also the possibility of not going to places where alcohol is served on first few dates. You said that your job involves such events, but do you need to date at those events? I have dated quite a few coworkers (including some long-term relationships with some) in my life but generally find that even if it starts as a work relationship, it's best to separate the events where we work from personal ones, for many reasons. I did not keep this many times in my life, but it's become a rule I really stick to as a sober person. If someone at work is sympathetic, we can set up meetings outside of that context and environment, and then it's easy to pick places and activities that do not involve alcohol.
I use similar strategies in all sorts of life situations that involve relationships and human interaction, about pretty much any topic, to try and gauge people's thoughts and feelings. I often find reactions like that more telling than what people reveal about themselves directly, but I think one has to have a bit of skill to read these things in a way that's informative about the other person instead of reading into it, and also know the person a little better than what's possible at a first meeting.
There is also the element (someone pointed this out above) that an actual situation and its unfolding hardly ever goes as imagined before. So you can think through all these possibilities, plan how to deal with them (and this is not a bad thing), but most likely when you're there and react spontaneously, it'll be at least somewhat different. This is why in early sobriety I would much prefer to actually avoid places and situations where I need to make spontaneous, on the spot, choices about drinking, rather than simply rely on a prior resolve or plan. One important characteristic of alcoholism is that we become impulsive and poor planners, why so many mistakes and bad decisions occur when we drink heavily. A short period of abstinence rarely resolves this and sets it back to normal, usually it takes a much longer time. So why risk it just for the sake of a suddenly appealing date?
Just my views on the subject.
Side note: What happens next is a critical point, as depending on how she reacts I will know how she feels about HER drinking, and if I will see her again.
There is also the element (someone pointed this out above) that an actual situation and its unfolding hardly ever goes as imagined before. So you can think through all these possibilities, plan how to deal with them (and this is not a bad thing), but most likely when you're there and react spontaneously, it'll be at least somewhat different. This is why in early sobriety I would much prefer to actually avoid places and situations where I need to make spontaneous, on the spot, choices about drinking, rather than simply rely on a prior resolve or plan. One important characteristic of alcoholism is that we become impulsive and poor planners, why so many mistakes and bad decisions occur when we drink heavily. A short period of abstinence rarely resolves this and sets it back to normal, usually it takes a much longer time. So why risk it just for the sake of a suddenly appealing date?
Just my views on the subject.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
Yes perhaps overthinking it, but good to have a plan. I like Scott's suggestion of saying you choose not to. But it should be in your own words.
If you keep the reply short, there will be no way she could feel deceived unless it's by her own assumptions. But if you lie about it then of course she may feel deceived. This is why fewer words are better
If you keep the reply short, there will be no way she could feel deceived unless it's by her own assumptions. But if you lie about it then of course she may feel deceived. This is why fewer words are better
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Kansas
Posts: 399
If asked I always tell people "I don't drink anymore" whether I'm dating them or not. I'm not ashamed of it. If they ask further questions about it I will always answer. If it makes them uncomfortable it's best to get it out in the open as soon as possible.
I'm not comfortable telling somebody "None of your business." It's an honest question, not an attack.
I'm not comfortable telling somebody "None of your business." It's an honest question, not an attack.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 1,972
Originally Posted by zjw
For what its worth I know a guy who'd always say oh i cant i got a meeting at the church tonight. Or I'm gonna be late i got a meeting at the church. Oh on tuesday I wont be able to help cause I got a meeting at the church.
Even AFTER i learned he was an alcoholic I never thought anything of it I just assumed he was very active at his church or something.
Finally one day it registered I guess when we started seeing each other at meetings... That oh yeah he's going to AA meetings.
So now the running joke in my house is maybe i'll go to a meeting at the church etc... Or like last night my wife said she was going to her firends house for a couple drinks (shes not an alcoholic) and I jokingly said perhaps the 2 of you could go to a meeting at the church instead.
Dont overthink it sometimes people are not assuming your going to AA or something. it wasnt even on the radar with this one guy and even after i new he was in AA it never registered.
Even AFTER i learned he was an alcoholic I never thought anything of it I just assumed he was very active at his church or something.
Finally one day it registered I guess when we started seeing each other at meetings... That oh yeah he's going to AA meetings.
So now the running joke in my house is maybe i'll go to a meeting at the church etc... Or like last night my wife said she was going to her firends house for a couple drinks (shes not an alcoholic) and I jokingly said perhaps the 2 of you could go to a meeting at the church instead
.Dont overthink it sometimes people are not assuming your going to AA or something. it wasnt even on the radar with this one guy and even after i new he was in AA it never registered.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Colchester, England
Posts: 104
I usually tell a prospective date that I'm in recovery before the first date, if the conversation(s) beforehand lend themselves to the subject coming up. Recovery is a huge part of my life and I love it. If someone has an issue with it, it tells me all I need to know about them and helps me weed out people who use, or drink, too much for me to be comfortable with.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 368
from the other side
My current partner just said he didn't drink and I didn't question it. After about a month, we knew we liked each other but it was early enough that we could have walked away without too much drama.
That's when he told me and I felt it was the perfect time to hear it. Not so early that I hadn't gotten to know him beyond that, but not so late that it would have felt like he'd lied to me.
That's when he told me and I felt it was the perfect time to hear it. Not so early that I hadn't gotten to know him beyond that, but not so late that it would have felt like he'd lied to me.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Houston Texas
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by DaSilverSurfer
Great thought SW, Dont Pester the Wolf...He Bites Back lol
lol
Here is the thing I find very interesting about Not Drinking versus Not Smoking. If you are dating or just in social situations and people ask you if you are smoking or not smoking ( which happens rarely I understand) no on bats an eye to it if you say you don't smoke and doesn't continue to question you on the matter. They just keep it moving and you can also with no issues. They count it up to being acceptable behavior on your part...completely understandable.
Conversely, if you are asked why you Don't Drink everything seems to go to armageddon for some people and the Spanish Inquisition begins. Some people can take it or leave it and the social situation does not change and you can continue with no awkwardness. But a large majority will question the "why's" and then I do believe in their minds surmise that there is something wrong with you. Some may also, unknowingly, treat you differently for being a teetotaler or a non - drinker. It amazes me how one is pretty much accepted and the other shamed or misunderstood to some degree.
I would love to hear from some of you why you believe it to be that way in our society. I've always wondered about that, it intrigues me.
lolHere is the thing I find very interesting about Not Drinking versus Not Smoking. If you are dating or just in social situations and people ask you if you are smoking or not smoking ( which happens rarely I understand) no on bats an eye to it if you say you don't smoke and doesn't continue to question you on the matter. They just keep it moving and you can also with no issues. They count it up to being acceptable behavior on your part...completely understandable.
Conversely, if you are asked why you Don't Drink everything seems to go to armageddon for some people and the Spanish Inquisition begins. Some people can take it or leave it and the social situation does not change and you can continue with no awkwardness. But a large majority will question the "why's" and then I do believe in their minds surmise that there is something wrong with you. Some may also, unknowingly, treat you differently for being a teetotaler or a non - drinker. It amazes me how one is pretty much accepted and the other shamed or misunderstood to some degree.
I would love to hear from some of you why you believe it to be that way in our society. I've always wondered about that, it intrigues me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
It may be stated too often but I truly have found when a big deal is made about not drinking it is an issue with that person. So if it does come up on a date and he/she makes a big deal of it, I am glad for the immediate red flag. May as well get that out right away so I know to beware. I know I could never have a relationship with a heavy drinker. So I am grateful when it comes up early!
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Kansas
Posts: 399
Originally Posted by emilycrystal
I am really interested in this too. If you say you don't smoke or dance or eat meat or sushi or watch sports or whatever people move on. If you say you don't drink alcohol be prepared for a 2 hour q & a. I think the reason is most "normal" drinkers aren't so normal. I find the saying that most people can "take it or leave it" to be utter horse ****. I think that applies to maybe 5% of moderate drinkers. Ask a few moderate drinkers to take a year or even a month off. They'll likely tell you no way. If alcohol wasnt important to people they wouldnt have to serve it at every place on earth....restaurants, sporting events, bowling alleys, movie theaters, theme parks, museums, zoos, skating rinks, ski lodges, concerts, even kids places like chuck e cheese.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Arizona
Posts: 135
I'm not talking about people who make a big deal over not drinking. That is a different conversation - and I completely agree with you.
Here are the results of a 2 date experiment last weekend:
2 different dates with women met online. My profile says I don't drink. All parties are late 30s in the US.
2 different restaurants that serve alcohol both with activities at or near by for entertainment.
Date 1
Sits down and we start to get acquainted. I already had a soda water going. Waitress comes to get our order, she wants to know what I'm having to choose. I said soda water. She gets a water.
Somehow it comes up, (I really wish I remembered how, for you) And I say I don't drink.
First question she asks: Do you have a problem?
I went with a partial truth (health & wellness). She tells me she doesn't really like drinking. (I'm thinking Jackpot!)
She doesn't drink any alcohol for the evening. Date goes on, good night had. Follow up the next day, message from her, there's no spark.
I've no reason to believe that was non-drinking related.
Date 2
Similar, I dink soda water. We order burgers, she says "I need a beer with my burger." She proceeds to have one beer with her meal and water the rest of the night. A great time had by all.
Date 2 texts the next morning and we hang out again. About an hour into the date I get the "How come you don't drink?"
I tell her the truth, that I am in recovery. She asks how long (not long.)
We have a great conversation about it. She has a relative in recovery with a drug addiction and has been to meetings with them. She goes on to explain what my "tells" were.
She says she supports it and doesn't want to get in the way and that I should put my sobriety first.
Several dates later, things clicking really good and it's a non issue.
My new policy stands: Its way too deep for a first date but I won't lie. If asked directly, I will tell the truth. With the exception of, if I know I will not want to see her again then it doesn't matter.
I discussed with some men in my sober circles and they have a similar policy, citing good results.
Turns out women like guys they can depend on to be there for them or drive home.
Thanks for "being" and have a happy sober day.
CJ.
Here are the results of a 2 date experiment last weekend:
2 different dates with women met online. My profile says I don't drink. All parties are late 30s in the US.
2 different restaurants that serve alcohol both with activities at or near by for entertainment.
Date 1
Sits down and we start to get acquainted. I already had a soda water going. Waitress comes to get our order, she wants to know what I'm having to choose. I said soda water. She gets a water.
Somehow it comes up, (I really wish I remembered how, for you) And I say I don't drink.
First question she asks: Do you have a problem?
I went with a partial truth (health & wellness). She tells me she doesn't really like drinking. (I'm thinking Jackpot!)
She doesn't drink any alcohol for the evening. Date goes on, good night had. Follow up the next day, message from her, there's no spark.
I've no reason to believe that was non-drinking related.
Date 2
Similar, I dink soda water. We order burgers, she says "I need a beer with my burger." She proceeds to have one beer with her meal and water the rest of the night. A great time had by all.
Date 2 texts the next morning and we hang out again. About an hour into the date I get the "How come you don't drink?"
I tell her the truth, that I am in recovery. She asks how long (not long.)
We have a great conversation about it. She has a relative in recovery with a drug addiction and has been to meetings with them. She goes on to explain what my "tells" were.
She says she supports it and doesn't want to get in the way and that I should put my sobriety first.
Several dates later, things clicking really good and it's a non issue.
My new policy stands: Its way too deep for a first date but I won't lie. If asked directly, I will tell the truth. With the exception of, if I know I will not want to see her again then it doesn't matter.
I discussed with some men in my sober circles and they have a similar policy, citing good results.
Turns out women like guys they can depend on to be there for them or drive home.
Thanks for "being" and have a happy sober day.
CJ.
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Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Personally, since day #1, I've been honest about my drinking, (or not drinking) for the simple reason my program demands that I be honest. I've found that telling a lie, compounds the problem because I then have to remember to whom I lied and what I told that person.
Just my opinion but I believe people who don't like to say "I don't drink" or "I'm an alcoholic" have a problem with making a commitment. The want to leave the door open in case they change their mind.
Just my opinion but I believe people who don't like to say "I don't drink" or "I'm an alcoholic" have a problem with making a commitment. The want to leave the door open in case they change their mind.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi cejay!
how much detail you provide is up to you but I really think anyone I was dating would need to know I don't drink
I have no problem with I don't drink but I rarely use the A word
Nothing about leaving the door open, I've had my last drink
I just don't want it to be 'all about me', which is invariably what happens if I make that kind of a big pronouncement.
That's especially not fair if it's my wife's friends...y'know?
My close friends know, but most times people don't want or need to know my life story - they just want to know what I want to drink
I'm not ashamed of being an alcoholic but I don't want to make it an ego thing either, which it could easily become.
'No thanks I don't drink' and the middle way is good for me
D
how much detail you provide is up to you but I really think anyone I was dating would need to know I don't drink
Originally Posted by Music
Personally, since day #1, I've been honest about my drinking, (or not drinking) for the simple reason my program demands that I be honest. I've found that telling a lie, compounds the problem because I then have to remember to whom I lied and what I told that person.
Just my opinion but I believe people who don't like to say "I don't drink" or "I'm an alcoholic" have a problem with making a commitment. The want to leave the door open in case they change their mind.
Just my opinion but I believe people who don't like to say "I don't drink" or "I'm an alcoholic" have a problem with making a commitment. The want to leave the door open in case they change their mind.
Nothing about leaving the door open, I've had my last drink
I just don't want it to be 'all about me', which is invariably what happens if I make that kind of a big pronouncement.
That's especially not fair if it's my wife's friends...y'know?
My close friends know, but most times people don't want or need to know my life story - they just want to know what I want to drink
I'm not ashamed of being an alcoholic but I don't want to make it an ego thing either, which it could easily become.
'No thanks I don't drink' and the middle way is good for me
D
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Fingerlakes,NY
Posts: 4,536
I date fairly often now....gotta be honest not one has questioned me. If they did I would simply say I don't drink. I truly have not run into someone who tweaks about it. There is one guy I see quite often to whom I have told about it. Didn't phase him but he is a glass of wine with dinner and leave it half full kind of person. Damn him
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