cejay

I'm single/dating. When do you tell the people you date that you're in recovery?

Most people ask pretty quickly why I am not drinking (can even be the first date) I'm not ready to discuss at this point so I usually lie (if asked.)

I did say "broken off switch" once on a second or third date. There were no follow up questions and she wanted to continue to date me so I'm tempted to come out with the truth, if asked, however on a first date I really don't want to go there, its just too deep.

What do you guys think/do?

CJ.

Soberwolf

I simply say i dont drink if pestered i say i dont drink if further pestered i say cut the **** i dont drink

Carver

Dunno! Me personally, I'd wait until I knew them a lot better than first or second date. If at all. Haven't been in that situation yet!

zjw

i know a heroine addict who never mentioned his past to his girlfriend. years after they had been together he relapsed you can imagine her utter shock.

Thats what not to do!

otherwise i'm out of ideas as to when is a good time.

cejay

Thanks. Another case is they get curious, after a few dates its hard to explain all the "meetings" I have in the evenings.

CJ.

zjw

For what its worth I know a guy who'd always say oh i cant i got a meeting at the church tonight. Or I'm gonna be late i got a meeting at the church. Oh on tuesday I wont be able to help cause I got a meeting at the church.

Even AFTER i learned he was an alcoholic I never thought anything of it I just assumed he was very active at his church or something.

Finally one day it registered I guess when we started seeing each other at meetings... That oh yeah he's going to AA meetings.

So now the running joke in my house is maybe i'll go to a meeting at the church etc... Or like last night my wife said she was going to her firends house for a couple drinks (shes not an alcoholic) and I jokingly said perhaps the 2 of you could go to a meeting at the church instead .

Dont overthink it sometimes people are not assuming your going to AA or something. it wasnt even on the radar with this one guy and even after i new he was in AA it never registered.

ScottFromWI

You can come up with lots of hypothetical situations and questions someone MIGHT ask you, but in reality most people really don't care one way or the other if you are drinking or not. Our addiction would like us to THINK that they do, but the only person that really obsesses about it is the addict him/herself.

If you get into a serious, long term relationship I would expect the question will eventually come up, but for causal dating it's really not even an issue you need to think about.

1dayaddatime

Hey CJ! I'm just on my 4th day but I've already decided that when asked, I'm just gonna state I don't drink anymore. If asked why, then I'll state I just chose to stop, especially in the beginning. Them if it gets serious enough and the question arise again , that's when I'll be more up front. This is a need to know basis and I feel it's more important to focus on my goal instead of focusing on what a new date thinks. Good luck and stay strong my friend.
"1dayaddatime"

BobArctor

You can say that you get sick if you drink even small amounts of alcohol, if it is true.

But, I have never dated someone I didn't already have a friend relationship with.

BobArctor

You can say that you get sick if you drink even small amounts of alcohol, if it is true.

But, I have never dated someone I didn't already have a friend relationship with.

tomsteve

IMO its really not that deep of a subject. I have absolutely no fear if asked why I don't drink telling people why.i am not ashamed of being an alcoholic in recovery.
If they don't like it, if they get apprehensive, it's not my problem. I am comfortable with who I am. If they don't want to see me after I let em know my lack of a problem with alcohol( I don't have a problem with it today because I don't drink. The problem has been removed) I'm good with it. It's no skin off my back. I am comfortable with who I am and being single.

Aellyce

Most likely I would not tell someone on a first date that I am an alcoholic in recovery unless there is a strong context and reason for it (eg. the other person is also a recovering addict and shares this with me first). If they ask why I don't drink, would just say "don't like how alcohol affects me". It's full truth. If someone reacts to this or judges me negatively for being a non-drinker, or gets overly suspicious or nosy, that would be important piece of information for me and I probably would not want to date such a person more. Also, I don't think that you need to explain what you are doing in the evenings to a brand new person, focus on when you are available instead.

I would definitely tell if a relationship gets more serious but would probably not use the word "alcoholic" at first. Say that I had problems with it in the past and take the discussion from there.

Nevertheless

I have always said a friend is someone that knows most of what is wrong with you,and still likes you.
Soooo,in my opinion if you start things out trying to cover stuff up. You are headed for a plastic relationship right out of the gate.
I always sleep better with all of my cards on the table. There is a lot less worrying that way.
I never hesitate to tell someone i don't drink,and i usually joke about a lot of the stupid stuff i did while drinking. Almost everyone that drinks has done something they regret. Most can relate or even respect someones decision to not drink. The ones that don't respect that decision are not people I want to hang out with.

Just my opinion Fred

kittycat3

The answer for me is a big giant "depends." I agree with the others that you don't have to come out of the gate swinging with your baggage. My addiction is part of me, but it's not all of me and not a primary way I identify myself. Eventually if you start a relationship you should be honest, but just dating, nothing wrong with saying I don't drink and leaving it at that.....

doggonecarl

This isn't the answer to your question, but dating in early recovery, being around alcohol and having questions asked about your not drinking and the discomfort that could cause could be risky to your sobriety. Just my opinion.

Work on you and your sobriety, not your love life.

Delfin

LadyinBC

^^^^This!

However feeling this way didn't happen overnight. There was no way I wanted any kind of relationship or even dating when I was in my first year of recovery. I didn't need the extra pressure. And I am pretty sure I would have complicated it. I'm also in agreement with Carl that it is best to focus on yourself and save the dating for later.

Now that I have 3 years I am much more comfortable with my sobriety and with myself. I am pretty open now with family and friends that I'm an alcoholic. And I would be upfront with anyone if I decided to date them cause that is the way it has to be. My sobriety will always come first.

QuietToday

You don't have to tell anyone.

I went on a date this Summer, and at the bar I ordered Pepsi. She asked "No alcohol?"
I said, "It doesn't sit well with me."

That's all I care to say about it, and that's all that I need to say. I'm not going to drink anymore so I don't feel the need to go constructing an image of my drunken past for people. I've moved on from that life, and all of the people I want to include in my life from now on are the sort that are also outside of that nightmare existence.

bookmaven

I'm not at a time in my life where I would be out dating, but if I were I know that I would have to be honest from the start in order to protect my sobriety. I wouldn't want to date someone who has a problem with me being in recovery anyway. In fact I could probably never even date a normie, but that's just me. I am so addicted to alcohol that I have problems being around it or other people who are drinking.

DaSilverSurfer

Great thought SW, Dont Pester the Wolf...He Bites Back lol lol

Here is the thing I find very interesting about Not Drinking versus Not Smoking. If you are dating or just in social situations and people ask you if you are smoking or not smoking ( which happens rarely I understand) no on bats an eye to it if you say you don't smoke and doesn't continue to question you on the matter. They just keep it moving and you can also with no issues. They count it up to being acceptable behavior on your part...completely understandable.

Conversely, if you are asked why you Don't Drink everything seems to go to armageddon for some people and the Spanish Inquisition begins. Some people can take it or leave it and the social situation does not change and you can continue with no awkwardness. But a large majority will question the "why's" and then I do believe in their minds surmise that there is something wrong with you. Some may also, unknowingly, treat you differently for being a teetotaler or a non - drinker. It amazes me how one is pretty much accepted and the other shamed or misunderstood to some degree.

I would love to hear from some of you why you believe it to be that way in our society. I've always wondered about that, it intrigues me.