Husband and I Just Had Interesting "Argument"
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
JB, we are all working our sober plans here. The thing is I remember one night months ago I replied to your thread after you wrote that your husband had been abusive and you were afraid. You were staying at your parents and felt safe but thereafter attempted to intensely control your husband's drinking and 'belligerence'.
You have shared a lot of conversation in the 'Friends and Family' forum and in return received some excellent advice. But it really never appeared as if you acted on the advice or took it to heart all those months.
You stopped gambling. Great. But you left your therapist and quit your job last week. Your husband is an ex-methamphetamine abuser, and has a history of being abusive with you. Is limiting his alcohol intake really a good way to survive your early sobriety. Can you see how people on SR who read your posts might question YOUR current plan for abstinence? Maybe sticking with your therapist for a while is a good idea.
You have shared a lot of conversation in the 'Friends and Family' forum and in return received some excellent advice. But it really never appeared as if you acted on the advice or took it to heart all those months.
You stopped gambling. Great. But you left your therapist and quit your job last week. Your husband is an ex-methamphetamine abuser, and has a history of being abusive with you. Is limiting his alcohol intake really a good way to survive your early sobriety. Can you see how people on SR who read your posts might question YOUR current plan for abstinence? Maybe sticking with your therapist for a while is a good idea.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Tinton Falls, NJ
Posts: 87
I just have to say for me it's not worth it. I enjoy a glass of wine occasionally not right now because I'm pregnant. You have to stay strong and not worry what anyone else is doing. I personally think it's not worth it. I won't have it in the house at all anymore even just wine. I have had a glass of wine out to dinner before I was pregnant. Though when he kisses me, he can taste the booze and I don't think it's worth it to tempt him like that. Good luck!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Ultimately it's about personal responsibility. Controlling him and his drinking won't magically make you sober. Only you and your behavior will make you sober.
Right now your obsessive focus on him gives you an automatic excuse to fail. It's him and his behavior. How about trying to be responsible for yourself and your own behaviors for a change. There isn't an idea or program out there that will get you sober if you aren't first ready to own your behavior. You drink because you are alcoholic not because your husband drinks.
Right now your obsessive focus on him gives you an automatic excuse to fail. It's him and his behavior. How about trying to be responsible for yourself and your own behaviors for a change. There isn't an idea or program out there that will get you sober if you aren't first ready to own your behavior. You drink because you are alcoholic not because your husband drinks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Originally Posted by Verte 
JB, we are all working our sober plans here. The thing is I remember one night months ago I replied to your thread after you wrote that your husband had been abusive and you were afraid. You were staying at your parents and felt safe but thereafter attempted to intensely control your husband's drinking and 'belligerence'.
You have shared a lot of conversation in the 'Friends and Family' forum and in return received some excellent advice. But it really never appeared as if you acted on the advice or took it to heart all those months.
You stopped gambling. Great. But you left your therapist and quit your job last week. Your husband is an ex-methamphetamine abuser, and has a history of being abusive with you. Is limiting his alcohol intake really a good way to survive your early sobriety. Can you see how people on SR who read your posts might question YOUR current plan for abstinence? Maybe sticking with your therapist for a while is a good idea.
You have shared a lot of conversation in the 'Friends and Family' forum and in return received some excellent advice. But it really never appeared as if you acted on the advice or took it to heart all those months.
You stopped gambling. Great. But you left your therapist and quit your job last week. Your husband is an ex-methamphetamine abuser, and has a history of being abusive with you. Is limiting his alcohol intake really a good way to survive your early sobriety. Can you see how people on SR who read your posts might question YOUR current plan for abstinence? Maybe sticking with your therapist for a while is a good idea.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 478
Hi JB--I see that you have attended Alanon--have you read any of Melody Beattie's books? They were a lifesaver for me. I see so much of me in you--it's really hard to focus on yourself when it's your spouse you are talking about. It was hard for me with just friends!! Ultimately, I do hope you will see that as far as sobriety goes, it's up to you :-)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Originally Posted by Dee74
There's some seriously good advice here JB - don't excuse yourself from it 
D
D
As they say in Narrative Therapy, truth is subjective and unimportant. It is what people believe and how it impacts them rather than what really happened.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,456
I'm aware of Narrative Theory and Therapy.
with due respect, I don't think that's particularly helpful in recovery.
I think objectivity is a good thing to strive for, don't you?
We alcoholics love spinning stories, even to ourselves.
D
truth is subjective and unimportant.
I think objectivity is a good thing to strive for, don't you?
We alcoholics love spinning stories, even to ourselves.
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
I have a slightly different perspective.
I agree that the idea of negotiating and controlling someone else's alcohol use is not productive. It becomes the "every argument." It is frustrating and impossible, and if you wrap the idea that supporting you with sobriety requires sobriety and that true love = a willingness to support through troubles, you'll end up hurt and feeling resentful because you won't feel supported and thus won't feel fully loved.
At the same time, I don't want alcohol in my home if I'm abstinent. I spend a fair amount of time around alcohol and drinkers just because we live in a culture that is dominated by alcohol, so I need home to be a refuge in which I have no temptation or exposure.
So, if you put those two things together, in order for me to get and stay sober, I had to break up with my boyfriend.
This may seem extreme. And admittedly, he was not my husband and we did not have a long history or children together. But, we did live together and I did love him mightily.
Still, we have the right (and the responsibility, in some way) to create our lives exactly how we want to. If I choose sobriety (and that isn't a mild choice. It isn't like taking up a hobby or something. It is a life and death crossroads), then I need to be willing to reshape every aspect of my life to accommodate my changing self.
Did I miss him? Yes. Still do.
Do I regret the decision? Nope. I would not now be sober if I had made any other (from doing nothing and adapting to his heavy alcohol use or "regulating" his alcohol use in some way).
It was the only way for me. It was a horrible decision, but it only had to be made once. In some ways, it was a thousand times simpler than fighting about alcohol every day until the end of time.
I agree that the idea of negotiating and controlling someone else's alcohol use is not productive. It becomes the "every argument." It is frustrating and impossible, and if you wrap the idea that supporting you with sobriety requires sobriety and that true love = a willingness to support through troubles, you'll end up hurt and feeling resentful because you won't feel supported and thus won't feel fully loved.
At the same time, I don't want alcohol in my home if I'm abstinent. I spend a fair amount of time around alcohol and drinkers just because we live in a culture that is dominated by alcohol, so I need home to be a refuge in which I have no temptation or exposure.
So, if you put those two things together, in order for me to get and stay sober, I had to break up with my boyfriend.
This may seem extreme. And admittedly, he was not my husband and we did not have a long history or children together. But, we did live together and I did love him mightily.
Still, we have the right (and the responsibility, in some way) to create our lives exactly how we want to. If I choose sobriety (and that isn't a mild choice. It isn't like taking up a hobby or something. It is a life and death crossroads), then I need to be willing to reshape every aspect of my life to accommodate my changing self.
Did I miss him? Yes. Still do.
Do I regret the decision? Nope. I would not now be sober if I had made any other (from doing nothing and adapting to his heavy alcohol use or "regulating" his alcohol use in some way).
It was the only way for me. It was a horrible decision, but it only had to be made once. In some ways, it was a thousand times simpler than fighting about alcohol every day until the end of time.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Kansas
Posts: 399
Originally Posted by heartcore
I have a slightly different perspective.
I agree that the idea of negotiating and controlling someone else's alcohol use is not productive. It becomes the "every argument." It is frustrating and impossible, and if you wrap the idea that supporting you with sobriety requires sobriety and that true love = a willingness to support through troubles, you'll end up hurt and feeling resentful because you won't feel supported and thus won't feel fully loved.
At the same time, I don't want alcohol in my home if I'm abstinent. I spend a fair amount of time around alcohol and drinkers just because we live in a culture that is dominated by alcohol, so I need home to be a refuge in which I have no temptation or exposure.
So, if you put those two things together, in order for me to get and stay sober, I had to break up with my boyfriend.
This may seem extreme. And admittedly, he was not my husband and we did not have a long history or children together. But, we did live together and I did love him mightily.
Still, we have the right (and the responsibility, in some way) to create our lives exactly how we want to. If I choose sobriety (and that isn't a mild choice. It isn't like taking up a hobby or something. It is a life and death crossroads), then I need to be willing to reshape every aspect of my life to accommodate my changing self.
Did I miss him? Yes. Still do.
Do I regret the decision? Nope. I would not now be sober if I had made any other (from doing nothing and adapting to his heavy alcohol use or "regulating" his alcohol use in some way).
It was the only way for me. It was a horrible decision, but it only had to be made once. In some ways, it was a thousand times simpler than fighting about alcohol every day until the end of time.
I agree that the idea of negotiating and controlling someone else's alcohol use is not productive. It becomes the "every argument." It is frustrating and impossible, and if you wrap the idea that supporting you with sobriety requires sobriety and that true love = a willingness to support through troubles, you'll end up hurt and feeling resentful because you won't feel supported and thus won't feel fully loved.
At the same time, I don't want alcohol in my home if I'm abstinent. I spend a fair amount of time around alcohol and drinkers just because we live in a culture that is dominated by alcohol, so I need home to be a refuge in which I have no temptation or exposure.
So, if you put those two things together, in order for me to get and stay sober, I had to break up with my boyfriend.
This may seem extreme. And admittedly, he was not my husband and we did not have a long history or children together. But, we did live together and I did love him mightily.
Still, we have the right (and the responsibility, in some way) to create our lives exactly how we want to. If I choose sobriety (and that isn't a mild choice. It isn't like taking up a hobby or something. It is a life and death crossroads), then I need to be willing to reshape every aspect of my life to accommodate my changing self.
Did I miss him? Yes. Still do.
Do I regret the decision? Nope. I would not now be sober if I had made any other (from doing nothing and adapting to his heavy alcohol use or "regulating" his alcohol use in some way).
It was the only way for me. It was a horrible decision, but it only had to be made once. In some ways, it was a thousand times simpler than fighting about alcohol every day until the end of time.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 508
Wow what a lot to take in, I can see the difficulty here and sometimes addicts and addicts can't be together in sobriety but sometimes they can. Sounds like you have your head screwed on and I think RR maybe might help but then again maybe not, my husband stopped drinking before I finally quit, he's stopped smoking and I lasted 2 days without, the difference is I'm an addict, he's not, for him it's take it or leave it and if it damaging his health or enabling a lack of self control then he's not interested. For me it's taken a long long time to get where I am (18 months sober) but I finally found AVRT and made my Big Plan... I will never drink again and I will never change my mind..... No matter what!
If my husband started drinking again I would miss kissing him and if it had a negative effect on him (as previously before he stopped) I would have to divorce him because I have learnt to respect myself and I would never trade my sobriety for the drama.
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
If my husband started drinking again I would miss kissing him and if it had a negative effect on him (as previously before he stopped) I would have to divorce him because I have learnt to respect myself and I would never trade my sobriety for the drama.
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
What I read in a lot of these responses is a frustration that we understand where you are in your sobriety as most of us have been there. We see potential missteps and only wish to help steer you on the right path. Some of your recent relapses have seemed very conditional and laced with excuses. Trust me, I have been there and it's just hard reading it and wishing you could help correct the behavior. Maybe you have a snack or something that's good for nibbling while he drinks instead of grabbing the wine? These days, when I get home if I feel like a "drink" I make a good dark roast coffee and enjoy sipping it. We are habitual by nature and anything to help take the impulses out of alcohol's reach will help you abstain long enough to get past the early cravings.
Get far enough from that last drink and watching your husband won't bother you anymore.
Get far enough from that last drink and watching your husband won't bother you anymore.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 13
JB - Why not make a plan for when he is drinking? Looks like you have made some huge steps towards your recovery, which is admirable. If your husband chooses to drink that is outside of your control. He will either rebel and continue to use around you, or drink outside and come home drunk. Both scenarios will trigger you. So what can you do to avoid his drinking?
I think the fact that you are meditating and working on your recovery is the only solution at this point. Eventually, everything will fall into place but you should focus on yourself. Maybe every time he drinks and you do not reward yourself. Every time he drinks just smile and say, "I am sorry hun, enjoy your drinks but I need to be away from alcohol so I can be healthy'.
Good luck and keep searching for the answers! Don't give up!
I think the fact that you are meditating and working on your recovery is the only solution at this point. Eventually, everything will fall into place but you should focus on yourself. Maybe every time he drinks and you do not reward yourself. Every time he drinks just smile and say, "I am sorry hun, enjoy your drinks but I need to be away from alcohol so I can be healthy'.
Good luck and keep searching for the answers! Don't give up!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980
Wow, good for you all! Very strong, powerful people. I'm not there yet, however.
just a thought:
framing those posters in terms of strong and powerful might result in seeing yourself as weak and powerless if you're not "there". which doesn't sound like an "un-stuck" place to go forward from too easily.
i see the people who posted their powerful experiences as folk who gave/give their sobriety the highest priority and made/make damn tough choices to keep it that way. choices they are responsible for.
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