Soberintexas007

So my husband told me tonight that he thinks that it sucks that he has to give up drinking just because I can't. He said that of course I wanted some wine when I was driving home from work today, as that is normal, and he would have liked a beer or two when he got home from work. He says that he will become mean and angry again if he is forced to abstain from drinking.

So when I brought up just having a beer or two on his off days, he said that he is afraid it will trigger me to relapse, and he will then feel guilty.

He asked why I can't just enjoy a glass of wine or one beer, and why I have to drink the whole bottle. I told him that I am an alcoholic.

I see where this is going. He just is unwilling to quit or try and control his drinking for me. I am just going to have to try and figure out a way to stay strong and abstain from drinking despite his drinking.

Any thoughts?

Soberintexas007

So we just came up with a compromise. He said that all he needs is 2 packs of the Bud Lights, which equals 6 24 ounce cans. This is what he will be allowed to drink on his off days - Saturday night, Sunday, and Monday. I think I will be okay with this, since Bud Light are less threatening and has less alcohol content.

But then I asked him what if we go out to eat....he said that he will order no more than 2 12 ounce beers. I agreed to this.

Well, we will see what happens. My husband is incapable of giving up drinking for me, and I get that. I am going to have to find a way to get through this without drinking.

ladyingreen

My husband is the same, he just can't get it why I have to cut out alcohol completely. Because I can go without alcohol for weeks, even months he thinks I'm not an alcoholic. With me once I start I can't stop, after one sip I crave more and then drink until I black out. My husband thinks I can just say no, just cut down, he just doesn't get that I can't. He hates it when I've been drinking, my personality changes, yet he has said I will spoil our upcoming holiday if I don't drink, because I will make it boring.
I have told him I don't want to waste a minute being hungover, being ashamed to show my face because of the state I was in the night before. I have said I don't expect him to not drink, but apparently it's boring drinking on your own!

Either they just don't understand, or they don't want to admit we have a problem? My husband thinks alcoholics sit on park benches all day drinking cheap cider, or start the day with vodka on their cornflakes. he doesn't think it's everyday people like us.

Stay strong and I hope it works for you. x

realE

I wish you luck with this. My marriage has been thru a lot of issues around substances and alcohol. It's danged if you do and danged if you don't with my husband. So not drinking is better for me and we will just have to see how the rest plays out.

Are there activities couples actually do that don't involve drinking? I'm serious. I think we have managed to drink at everything we do - golf, bowling, cards, camping, boating, hiking, TV, movies, reading.

I would love to hear some suggestions for sober couples entertainment?

aasharon90

As I read your post I began to feel exhausted
inside with all the trying to control the situation.
Whew..... That is exactly what I tried soooo many
time. Tried to control anything and everything
in my life to only fail soooo many times.

24 yrs ago at the age of 30 I enter recovery
via rehab for 28 days learning about my
addiction and its affects on my mind, body,
soul and those around me.

With an AA program of recovery taught
to me and me incorporating its steps and
principle in my everyday life, I soon learned
to stop fighting myself and situations that
I had no control over.

I learned that I was POWERLESS over
people, places and things I couldn't control.
I couldn't control the obsession and that
strong pull that alcohol had on me.

Once I listened, learned, absorbed and applied
this program of recovery in all my affairs then
and only then was I able to loosen the reigns
of control and experience a freedom I had not
know before.

Being free of that controlling factor is
a blessing that I continue to enjoy 24 yrs
sober.

Let It Go..!!!

huntingtontx

My husband is an alcoholic and drinks till drunk every night. If anything, it makes me glad I quit. For me, it was, I need to quit drinking. After the first drink I have no control. I realize I can not control my husband, it has to be his choice. I truly believe if your husband will not quit drinking when he sees it causes you a problem, then he probably has a problem too. You can still do this. It may be a little harder, but you can do it. There are a lot of us here with a drinking spouse. I pray every day my husband will one day quit. I have not seen any sign of it yet. I am still glad I quit, and I will still stay quit, One day at a time. Good luck to you. You can do this.

ttamelbon

I'm not quite clear why your husband has to quit/moderate his drinking. If he doesn't have a problem with drinking, he should be allowed to drink what he likes. To badly paraphrase Mark Twain, "why stop a man from eating steak because a baby can't chew it?"

As for him pressuring you to drink, that seems rather insensitive, given your abstinence.

No offense, because maybe I just don't understand, but why are you both trying to control what the other person drinks? You've quit, so maybe insist he stop pressuring you, and he hasn't quit, so maybe let him manage his consumption the way he sees fit.

I've been sober eight months and my wife drinks a couple every night. She can control her drinking; I can't.

Tamerua

Just remember that this is your journey, not his. If he drinks at home and you feel like you may drink, get out of the house.

I feel bad when I read about so many people whose spouses are not supportive. I am very lucky in that regard.

ScottFromWI

This is what most of us have been trying to tell you all along JB. Your alcoholism is YOUR problem that you need to address. Your husband may not understand...many spouses or significant others don't. It does sound as if he's willing to adjust his habits for you which is a concession that you should not overlook. Concentrate on your sobriety plan and things that YOU can control.

tomsteve

Lots of good advise here as has been in the past on the subject of your husbands drinking:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...yesterday.html

Reading a LOT of your threads and posts, What I see happening if your husband would allow himself to be taken hostage is you will find another excuse why you are drinking. I say tha because you have used a lot of them in your threads.

I am the one responsible and accountable for the actions i make for my recovery.
If I expected anyone or anything to change and put demands,rules,etc on poeple,places, and/ or things for me to get sober, id still be drunk.

shil2587

He's an alcoholic and a drug addict looking for a reason. So he starts with 'I am stopping for you, not because I have a problem' and ends with 'I don't have a problem so I shouldn't have to stop'.

WritingFromLife

JB, I know this must be a very difficult situation--here's the thing--at some point, you will decide you will do it NO MATTER WHAT. If the sky falls, a hurricane hits, the economy collapses, all your "friends" turn their nose up at you, and your husband gets blitzed every single day. Once you make that decision, you cut off all other options. It's a matter of life and death---Are you willing to die just because your husband wants to drink? Sorry to sound so harsh-- this thought process worked for me--and the serendipity, once I started taking the next right step in front of me, for ME, everything else just fell into place. Maybe not right away, but it did.

Hugs to you, sweetie. :-)

LBrain

^^^^^^^^^ there it is.

Now about your husband...
I recall the questions asked of me to determine whether or not I had a drinking problem.

One was, "Do you plan your drinking?" And few others that apply...

Anna

I really think you should take the focus off your husband completely. This is your journey for you to work out yourself. You can definitely do this without your husband's support.

Turtle82

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference"

Ruby2

I'm speeding along the highway, driving my own car, when another driver cuts me off. I speed up next to him and roll down my window and start yelling at him, telling him how to drive. We go back and forth as I try pointing out what he's doing wrong. Can't he see that what he did is unsafe for me? That it caused me to have to slam on my brakes. That if only he would pay attention to me, and drive better for me, this wouldn't have happened. Meanwhile, I drive into the back of a truck because I'm so focused on what the other driver is and isn't doing that I don't pay attention to what I am doing. And the other driver speeds away, undamaged, as I survey the wreck of my car.

Keep your eyes on the road and your hands on the wheel of your own car.

Soberintexas007

In theory I agree with you. But I am newly sober, and so any suggestion or compromise that my husband agrees to that can possibly limit his alcohol intake around me is a blessing for me. Call it controlling, I call it survival for me in early sobriety.

Soberintexas007

If my husband would just have a couple every night, I would have no problem with that. But when my husband starts to drink at movie theaters, it begins to bother me. He will start at noon and keep on going throughout the day. I just don't want to spend my sober time around that type of drinking behavior. In other words, he overdoes it, unlike your wife.

Soberintexas007

Yes, I am happy that we were able to compromise, and I am sure he did not overlook my concession of being willing to still be around someone who drinks. If I wanted to, I can choose to leave the relationship and seek out another sober spouse in a.a, as there are plenty of them.

Soberintexas007

Yes, I agree. And I feel that I am getting closer and closer to this awareness and behavior. I stopped around him before, but I was a closet compulsive gambler. Now I need to find a way towards sobriety without the distraction of gambling. This is all a process. I am starting to look into AVRT to supplement AA so that I can have more tools.