calypso17

Square one. Ever have days, sober ones that you don't want to get out of bed? Work is beckoning for you, people are relying on you, and yet...laying there in an abyss is better than anything else?
That's how my day started off. I laid there. I put off work. Not even caring if I got fired. I thought...**** it I am 35 weeks pregnant and I have finally accepted I will never be able to hold a job.
I somehow dragged myself into work. Once I got out, it was the same, overwhelming feeling of loneliness. Of not wanting to go home. Of friendlessness. Of having a car, but a choice between booze and food, and a place to secretly drink.

What did I choose? My best friend beer of course! Yeah. I did it. I failed. I am a failure. I told you I couldn't last. I drank...slowly. I drank about 6 beers in 6 hours. I called the few who are in my phone to see if they'd like to chat, but no answer and no response.
I didn't eat. I drove back and forth to the store buying tall can after every two hours. Thinking. Stewing. Not happy. Scared. Lonely.

sleepie

Did you ever do AA? Maybe you could meet people and make more friends.

calypso17

I did awhile back but by the time I thought of going tonight the meetings were over.

sleepie

why didn't you come here instead?

calypso17

I don't think they allow people who have drank in there either

calypso17

No Internet access. I don't have it unless I have wifi

sleepie

that's not true, i had a friend who used to go. i would try to stay quiet but at least you might get something out of it.
You could always try to talk to people here online too

calypso17

Like I said I've gone before to AA. I wanted to go tonight but couldn't. Hey wanting to go is better than not wanting

calypso17

I do reach out on here. I'm a whiner. I'm sure people are tired of me already,

sleepie

No, I have been here for so long it's embarrassing. if people are tired of it that's their issue. We are all dealing with the same thing here.

Verte

Hi Calypso,

One night after my girls were born when I felt alone, exhausted and scared I called the 211 just so I could ask an adult to remind me that this was just a moment; not forever.

How about calling your OB tomorrow for an urgent appointment? It sounds like you need more support and need to advocate for yourself and your son. Push the point and make sure you are heard. There are resources available and you need to allow yourself be supported as much as possible. Beer is not your friend.

calypso17

My OB is an escape artist. That woman is never around. She's out of the office, traveling, or delivering babies. Never, ever available on a whim. It's medi-cal. What can I say?
I've only met her once....
Anyways it's not as easy as you make it sound.
And speaking to authority? No thanks. I don't talk to anyone who has any sort of power, money, or both. I did it before, and the looks on their faces was horrifying. I was in fact sober when I confided in some physicians about my drinking. No thanks; never again.
They also can't help me. I can only help myself. It's not their fault I am the way I am.
I am who I am because I'm broken. And I've tried for too long to fix it; whenever I try to fix anything I break it even more.

Dee74

Early recovery is rough - but it's not as good as it gets - if you can get past the first part, and think of the discomfort as temporary, it will get easier with time.

You're allowed in AA when drinking, allowed here too.

No ones tired of you - but I hope it won't seem harsh if I say you need a better plan that the one you have ...

Both you and the baby deserve it, yeah?

D

Lady3

Ive had that happen , i hibe in and feel like a failure, a loser, but this is what happens to us, we all relapse, we all go through it, when you need someone, anyone but theres no one, im so happy i found this for, ive nwver stuck to one for more than a day and im on wifi too, ao as soon as i get home i go on here. I almost bought a big bottle of vodka but decided i wanted to wake up not feeling worse than i do now sober, keep going, dont give up we are here for each other. Much love...💚

calypso17

I don't make or have plans because I always break them

We deserve it but I know myself all too well. I will **** everything up

Dee74

I think that's your addiction talking, and honestly I think it's a cop out.

if we want change, we can't let ourselves be defined by our past

I screwed up hundreds of times.

Then I didn't.

D

calypso17

Past. I tell myself the same thing. Don't be intimated or haunted by the past.
I'm not blaming it on my parents, but living at home where my mindset is compared to that of a 10 year old and my past mistakes are brought up since I was 14, and I am threatened to be kicked out on a weekly basis because of my past...
It's hard to let go.
Even when I am not making mistakes, my parents will find SOMETHING in my past. Whether it be the day before or 10 - 15 years...

IOAA2

Hi.

I’m sorry for your mental state but understand. For years I’ve found the program, when utilized, is a training ground that takes awhile to get attached to. This getting attached involves many meetings and listening along with baby steps of opening up and participating along with not drinking one day at a time in a row.
Many of us are wounded by our parents while trying to grow up and are now in the need of healing with the help of the people at the meetings along with a SPONSOR.

Unfortunately a few meetings won’t “cure” us, it’s the repartition that is our teacher.

BE WELL

zjw

I know that. people are sick of listening to me carry on and on about the same things same problems etc... I've lost friends. One thing that scared me when i sobered up or one reason I sobered up was I felt i was running out of ears to listen to me. I felt i'd have no friends left becuase everyone woulda just thrown in the towel and the thought of being alone and still hooked scared me.

Then I got sober and came to places like this and found what i suffered from was indeed very common and well very very normal for an alcoholic and that it was ok I just had to work on breaking the cycles. Ya know the ones where you get stuck in the same circle of problems.

Im getting better at it but it takes work.

When i first sobered up I felt i was damned if i drank damned if I didnt drink. I chose not to drink becuase I felt that if I didnt drink that day I at least wouldnt have that problem to whine about in addition to all the others. It didnt seem like much and for a long while it didnt seem any better either. But in time things started to come together and things started to get better.

Hang in there.

skg

Absolutely right! The only requirement to attend AA meetings is the desire to stop drinking. I've picked them up and driven them to meetings. So long as a person is not disruptive (cross-talk, interruptions, dancing, etc.) they're welcome to attend.