Rivelino

I love alcohol for the initial excitement and stimulation it provides
I detest alcohol for the havoc it wreaks in my life.

When my hatred outweighs my love I take action...of sorts.
I have tried AA on numerous occasions and have always left believing that I was never as bad as the low bottom cases and that I would be able to drink like normal people. I'd show them.

I am once again at the stage of being sick and tired of drinking excessively. I am tired of this exhausting cycle and want it to stop now.

My abusive father whom I hated, died at the age that I'm at now, just about to turn 50 and was crippled with alcoholic neuropathy before he died in a drunken accident. He was a heavy daily drinker whereas I am a binge drinker for 3 or so times a week so I believe I have never drank like him but I have drank to dangerous levels resulting in the following

Suicide attempts
Driving whilst drunk
Hospitalisation after a violent drunken brawl
Hospitalisation after a drunken fall
Stage 1 Alcohol related liver disease identified on 2 different occasions
Regularly missing work
Drinking whilst on Antabuse
Relationship problems caused by drinking
Losing friendships caused by drinking
Losing my business reputation leading to losing jobs
Running away
Bouts of depression and anxiety

I am still not sure if these occurrences make me an alcoholic or that I have a bad drink problem. I just feel that my resolve is weakening and I want to drink every day and it fills my thoughts for every waking hour. It feels as though the slide into a dark abyss is very close unless I arrest my decline immediately.

There are many people whom I know who would regard my behaviour towards drinking as simply fulfilling a cultural expectation for a working class Glasgow man, however I am worried, frightened and concerned that my thinking is so irrational that I may miss the warning signs to stop in time.

I have had great experiences of life whilst sober but just can't stay stopped. This time I want it to be different.

I am on my 3rd day of sobriety and I am grateful to this place for allowing me to share my thoughts and feelings.

ScottFromWI

Welcome Rivelino. Glad to hear that you have chosen sobriety and congrats on 3 days sober. SR is definitely a place that you can come for support and understanding. Acceptance was hard for me too, it is for most of us. But it is worth it many times over.

Regarding your statement quoted above, does it really matter whether you call it alcoholism or a "drinking problem"? To me it doesn't , they are one in the same. Judging by your list, drinking is a massive problem for you and has negatively effected every facet of your life. I hope you can stay with us and get the support and info you need to take the next step.

MariahGayle

Glad you are here Revilino & that you are choosing to live a sober life...a decision you will never regret, I'm sure! You deserve a life free of the chaos & misery that alcohol brings....grab hold of sobriety friend!

JeffreyAK

I had exactly the same attitude when I was forced by circumstances and my employer to go to medical treatment. I wound up well on my way to join those low bottom cases, far deeper down the hole than I ever thought I could go.

Would it help to bring in your horizons? Sometimes it's important early on not to get bogged down in "forever" and "life without alcohol". Sometimes people look at it a day or even an hour at a time, sometimes it can help to make a decision to tough it out for say 1 or 3 or 6 months and then re-evaluate. I don't know how long you've gone in the past, but your thinking really changes over time with total sobriety, and you realize that life without alcohol is really great and not so difficult after all. But it can take time.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Rivelino!!

Alcohol wasn't doing me any favours either, when I parted ways with it life took a turn for the better!!

pulltight

I never got caught up in the definition of alcoholic or if I was/am one, I did figure out that drinking wasn't working out for me anymore and I needed to stop.
From your list of things it looks like alcohol isn't working out for you anymore either.
Like JefferyAK said above, I approached it as just not drinking today and never said forever, before long it became much easier to accept and realize that life without alcohol is the natural order of things and I'm far better for it and you will be too. You can do it!

Rivelino

Some very helpful advice which I am very grateful for.

I think the back to 1day/hour at a time and acceptance that alcohol no longer works for me is a very useful place to start for me. If I could master those 2 points I'd have a far more positive outlook and a decent chance of a better life.

zjw

re-read your post when you contimplate a drink. why would you wanna go back to that stuff? Its common sense sadly us alcoholics are in short supply of that haha. But a constant reminder works well for me.

pulltight

There you go, don't over think it! Just take the rest of the day off from drinking.
See how you feel tomorrow and maybe just do it again.

Sasha4

For me, I used to think the day at a time line of thinking was rubbish, would never work and was far too simple for someone like me.

Here I am 3 years later without a drink and all done on the 1 day at a time way of thinking.

Thinking forever is too overwhelming for me.

If someone asked me if I would be drinking at an event 3 months away, I just used to say I would cross that bridge when I came to it.

It worked for me.
I didn't worry about the future and no-one pressured or pestered me about parties and celebrations in the future.

I wish you the best xx

IOAA2

Hi.
When I first came to AA I had a lot of BS thinking and rationalization but the bottom line is I cannot drink alcohol one day at a time in a row. If I do I have no doubt I’ll live a miserable life and die a miserable alcoholic. It’s that simple!

Over a lot of years I’ve seen too many think they can control their drinking and end up dead.

Alcohol is powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious along with being a progressive disease that will never get better unless we stop drinking.

BE WELL

Dee74

Hi Rivelino - welcome back

Looking at your list, I really don't think that's normal - even for a Glasgow man.

No matter whether you want to call your problem, the solution seems pretty obvious to me?

D

MelindaFlowers

I hear you. But man, I got to the point where I could no longer accept or tolerate a life with alcohol. Sounds so cliche but it is 100 percent true. I was sick all the time. I was also diagnosed with stage ll so there really was no more choice to have a "life" with alcohol. I was going to die in my early 30's. Been sober for 10 months. Never drinking again. Enjoying my new life.

MIRecovery

If you are honest with yourself you know the answer to your question and you also know the solution. No matter what we say it will not make a difference. The question is what is your plan to do something about it.

For me it took professional help and lots of meetings, getting a sponsor, and working the steps

LexieCat

I don't think having any one or even a couple of things like that makes you an alcoholic. What makes you an alcoholic is that you keep drinking in SPITE of all those things.

Normal people get scared off by bad experiences. Alcoholics say they will "manage" it better next time.

Rivelino

So much sense and wisdom on here. Love the honesty and the direct advice.

The messages I am imprinting in my brain tonight are -
1. Don't worry about labels and just accept that I can't drink alcohol - 1 day at a time or hour or minute.
2. Do something to support abstinence - be honest with myself firstly that my life is **** with alcohol in it and do something positive instead - posting on here is a start for me.

Thank you for your support.

Della1968

Sounds good!!

tomsteve

You may want to also change some thinking on accepting life without alcohol. Instead of trying to accept that, maybe accept what life with alcohol is going to be if ya keep drinking.

I had many days I got to one minute at a time early one. It did get easier and eventually they obsession left, just as I was promised in AA.
Did I master one minute,day at a time?
Welp, I'm still sober but I'm also still eligible to drink.
But that's not happening today.

It will get easier if ya work for it.

Rivelino

It's raining torrentially, my arthritis is playing up, I have to take my dog to the vet first thing as he cut his paw last night but I have a choice today as to how I react to this.

I am sober, my mind is clearing, the fog is lifting. This is Day 1 for the 5th day in a row and I accept that I can have a good day today as long as I do the right things.
1. Live sober.
2. Be grateful for what I have.
3. Appreciate the beauty all around me.
4. Relax
5. Laugh

I look forward to what the day brings and hope the fantastic people on here have a great day.

Lady3

Big hugs on your third day, just habing a first day is a big step, im only on my 11th day, i had thougjts of giving in today but i just didnt. Come to this anytime and rant or just talk about anything thats going on, its helped me a lot, great people here
Stay strong, much love!❤