courage2

Day before yesterday, for the first time (we think) in 32 years, I directly expressed a serious desire that my husband would do something. This is on the level of, put away the trash. 32 years.

I started drinking at 9, my guess. Drinking alcoholically and using drugs at 14? By 15-16, real problems. Etc. A lot of this was fear and anger – anger & fear at appalling & scary situations, more fear & anger on learning that I was powerless to affect those situations.

However, I was in it for the long haul, so I learned not to feel – just to drink. And if you don’t allow yourself to feel, you don’t have any desires, and so, why ask for anything?

Now, stuff is coming out. I’ve been told “restraint of pen & tongue.” I’ve been told, “live & let live.” Not there yet.

The weird thing is that people seem, most of them, to like me better. Except those who dislike me way more.

Della1968

Can't win them all

MIRecovery

I can completely relate. Discovering who is the real me is one of the biggest challenges I face in recovery. If I'm not who I was then who the heck am i?

Needs, wants, boundaries, emotions are all uncharted territory. I know how to be an alcoholic but this sobriety stuff I never learned.

I find myself bumbling though life. I make a lot of mistakes but I also do the right thing. I roll up my pants and discover the water is just fine

skg

silentrun

Sometimes it does. There is a lot going on in our first few years of recovery and my pendulum has swung too far toward assertive after being a doormat. I had to relearn how to get my desires met and which ones didn't really matter. Another phrase pick your battles. Your post sounds exactly like someone who is making progress.

Boleo

Actually I have been there - “live & let live.” (aka Nibbana) and found that it was a nice place to live... but I wouldn't want to visit there.

I might seem like a very agitated guy by some of my posts, but I spend most of my day meditating on "I am That" where "That" is simply a place holder for what is ineffable.

I "visit" SR for basically 2 reasons. The first is to pass my message on to some unfathomable future generation. The second is to blow off some steam and live like a typical curmudgeon. Which is still part of "I am That".

zjw

i went through a phase like that. I guess I started sorting out who'd done me wrong who hadnt who i had issues tolerating who i didnt. rather then being so silent all those years and medicating my frustrations i decided to be a little more vocal so that I could put people in there place when needed and have people treat me better in vairous ways. I also opted to quit holding on to past baggage and tried addressing some of that with the various players involved. It wasnt easy for me or anyone else but i felt worlds better afterwards. Some people stuck around others left some relationships will never be the same but it is what it is and i'm much more content with my social circle now as a result theres less friction and tension etc..

I tried to be as tactful and polite about it as possible thinking about others and how this new me might blind side them so i tried to be gentle where i could and such as well.

Now the bulk of that is all taken care of so now i just handle things as they pop up rather then allowing stuff to pile up.

fini

hm. don't think i got obnoxious, nor was i a doormat before i got sober.
but i think i "decided" i was all "fixed" and indeed there was nothing amiss with me anyways now that i had stopped the drinking, and so the pendulum swung, and then slowly, very slowly i started unearthing miseries underneath.
so...no, i didn't get obnoxious but i got different. and now i'm feeling like i'm getting to a much more balanced point. where i'm less obnoxious than my base-line obnoxiousness.
which is a baseline i hadn't fully realized i had

a serious desire that hubby do something and you expressed it? are you calling that obnoxious? or meriting a chiding of "restraint of pen and tongue"?

courage2

Let's just say it's uncharacteristic of the self I have been for most of my life, as are a number of my recent behaviors. And I've learned that when I act uncharacteristically, I need to check against others to be sure even my trivial behaviors aren't early indications of something worse.

It's just what I do nowadays. I ask for guidance and others' thoughts.

Soberpotamus

Your recovery is putting you in a great position, Courage Be proud of yourself. I think this sounds like major healing and growth.

paulokes

Sometimes the feelings and emotions bubbled up a little more and came out sideways...restraint is needed at times!

But also I got better at expressing my own needs. Hey, I need you to do this. When you do that, I feel like this. I'm sorry, I can't do that

Learning to express that stuff was hard for me. It felt wrong . That brings to light a whole host of realisations about what I am recovering from. Learning to express those things in a healthy way was way, way hard for me Reminds me of the joke that people who have recently attended 'Assertiveness' courses should have warning signs on them..."Warning! I am about to be assertive and I'm not very good at it!!" Hehe

But hey what you posted above doesn't seem like an unreasonable request, or unreasonably communicated(?). Sometimes the people around us are just not used to us putting healthy boundaries down or expressing healthy needs and it's uncomfortable for them .

P

Kaneda8888

An interesting post, courage !

From my experience, I believe in the first 9 months of sobriety, I was probably too assertive. The reason for that was my discovering of a completely sober life. I think this resulted in rebuilding my self-esteem and confidence but at the same time I was still self-obsessed. So, I was trying to reclaim 'lost ground' and exert my new self at that time. Consequently, there were many battles with my partner which in retrospect was partly due to rebalancing of two wills. The battles still occur but not at the same magnitude, frequency and my delusions of having 'lost ground'.

Nowadays, I focus on my intentions, motivations, actions and speech quite carefully. I try my best to make sure that my ego/self does not dictate the aforementioned anymore. This doesnt mean that I am not assertive ! What it does mean is that I have a conscience which is confident about how I progress with my daily life.

Thank you for the post ! For my two cents, you dont seem to have been obnoxious at all !

NoGoingBack

I have found that in recovery, it's all too easy to get petulant about that recovery. Along the lines of alcoholic self pity, to quote Robin Williams "We're moody little mothers too... It's like, poor me, poor me, pour me, another drink"

In recovery I've found it all too easy to blame my moods on the thing that's making me better "This isn't easy you know, You've no idea what I'm going through right now" etc..

I can be a touch grumpy at the best of times, never mean to but my mouth runs away before my brain has time to stop it. I'm working on it.

Obnoxious? sometimes.
Much more pleasant to be around than when I was drinking though!

Dee74

I think asking for things we need, or want, is a healthy thing.

It can be so ingrained in some of us not to rock the boat, or to fear people may not like me if I be assertive.

I laugh now but once upon a time (and not too long afo) a simple request on the level of putting the trash out would have me worry for days after if I was obnoxious

I don't think you're being obnoxious Courage

D

trachemys

I do have my moments.

Berrybean

No - I was already obnoxious.

However, recovery has made me more able to notice when I am thinking / acting in an obnoxious way. This means that I can (if I choose - which usually I do) turn things around. In the past (when nothing was my fault and I was a walking victim) I was much more obnoxious because I was always so angry and upset with everyone and everything picking on me.

I'm still not sure how you've been obnoxious though. Asking your husband to help out isn't obnoxious. (Or do you mean the way you asked him?) I ask my other half to help much more often now. He says he prefers that, as I can now ask him calmly most of the time. Before I used to think he should just KNOW it needs doing, and refuse to say what was on my mind, and smoulder silently about it until I ended up ranting and being a bitch about it. Either that or I'd try to manipulate him into doing things my way rather than openly talking about it and letting him make his own mind up knowing all the facts.

courage2

Want this t shirt: Re this: Beccybean, it's pretty obvious you & I are different types. When I was a drunk, I had such a lid on everything except my drinking, I didn't have anything on my mind and I didn't have a "my way." As long as I was getting my daily doses, I didn't really give a rat's ass what else I was expected to do or what anyone else was doing -- there was a time when I cared, but I'd put that away.

PS. I also manipulated my husband into doing something yesterday -- he seems to like it!

ESD907

My take. I felt renewed. I was in control. I had all my faculties. When I argued it was because I thought I was right. Not because I was drunk. Call it obnoxious. I call it me. I'm serene. Confident. I look people straight in eyes. My husband doesn't like it. But he can leave if he wants. Not in control of anyone but me. Odd. I joined a gym. I go
To boxing also. My husband was all for it until I started liking it. Then he says. U are working out again. Now living for me and taking care if my children.

Gilmer

I'm nowhere near as obnoxious now as I was before. This sobriety kick is far and away the most beneficial one for all concerned.

silentrun

LOL. Mine likes it too. I have just learn to talk to him in a way that gets his cooperation.