Knurdyone

As I lie here unable to sleep, I thought I would try to get some of this off my chest and maybe get some feedback...

I have been struggling with issues with my parents & brother for a long time. I'm also in therapy but other than my therapist validating my feelings & encouraging me to seriously distance myself, I guess I need some help coping with some negative thoughts & feelings.

The dysfunctional family dynamic - I'm the only one who has sought help for anxiety/depression and I've been hospitalized in a psych ward 4 times for detox - has them scapegoating me so they don't have to look at their own problems. It has been like pouring gasoline on a fire in terms of my drinking escalating.

3 years ago, my parents & so-called perfect brother pressured / guilted me into marrying my boyfriend of 6 years. I don't know why they had such a hold on me. We got married. I knew my XH had porn & benzo addiction and a serious co-defendant on his parents - they do everything for him. His parents were really good to me. They were kind of the parents I wish I had (yes, not healthy, I know)

So we get married and a few months later, I discover that he had been on dating websites for years, and had meticulously saved photos and inappropriate chat transcripts with 100 +/- girls.

We entered couples therapy. My drinking escalated fast from stress from his thinking he didn't do anything that bad, my stressful job, and my parents & brother saying it was all essentially my fault.

After 2 detox stays, my XH & I got divorced. It was relatively friendly. I got & stayed sober. I got into a new relationship almost immediately and am still with my wonderful boyfriend.

So Saturday I drove to my parents house for Easter. Communication has always been poor. When I try to talk about something "real", other than the weather, current events, etc, they shut down & change the subject. I asked if they had heard at all from XH or his family. They just responded "no" and asked me if I had, and I said "no", and they stared at the floor for a minute, and awkwardly changed the subject.

Ever since then my mind has been racing with negative thoughts. My parents & brother believe, despite evidence to the contrary, that I have destroyed every relationship in my life. When I stopped talking to my brother this past year because he has rejected me for years & making me feel like a failure & loser (had to distance for my own health), my parents jump to his defense, saying I "hate" him and I pushed him (golden boy) away.

My parents have told me, prior to this past Saturday, that I will be an old maid and I threw away a wonderful husband and his wonderful family. My boyfriend does not want to meet them & I understand why. No one in my family has said, hey, you're doing a great job being sober & turning things around & moving forward...

So I'm lying here awake with irrational thoughts that won't go away...maybe they are right? Did I screw up my life? Are they all I have left? Am I doomed to being alone & miserable? NO!! I have good friends, many of whom are sober, an amazing boyfriend who I am in love with, good career & job where i am very reliable, have always supported myself...

Thanks for reading if you've gotten this far. Maybe I could use some CBT or something. Not going to drink over this although the thought did briefly enter my head that it would help me sleep - I told my AV it was lying to me.

Dee74

Hi Knurdyone

I'm a guy but my family was just as dysfunctional - I went minimal contact with them for a couple of years....just the occasional phone call.

When I went back I went back as a slightly different person - more confidence. month emotional growth and the dynamic between us changed for the better.

It's never going to be perfect between but I know who I am, I have a solid self worth and nothing anyone says can change that.

I accept their dysfunction, I don't try to change them and they in turn seem to respect me a little more.

Is no contact or minimal contact an option for you?

D

tomsteve

I find it pretty...something.....that when I started removing toxic people from my life( and still have to do it occasionally) it didn't take long for me to hear just how toxic and sick they were/are.
One thing I had to do was something dee said- accept them they way they are amd not allow them to use me as a doormat.I don't have to allow unacceptable behavior around me. They can be as dysfunctional as they want, just not around me.a

Did you screw up your life? Not in my opinion. Made some mistakes along the way- Mistakes that are very valuable possessions ya have today.

Yu may want to visit the f&f forum on here. Lots of people there that have been in your shoes with lots of good knowledge and suggestions.

huntingtontx

Hi Knurdy, I can really relate to your problem. Most of my family I have not seen in years.. We have developed a good facebook relationship. lol I believe what Dr. Phi said, " You teach people how to treat you. " For me, it meant walking away. I did not shut the door, I just walked away. It sounds like you are getting your life together. That is a good thing. My parents have passed on now, and in some ways it makes it easier. I know that sounds bad, but it is true. No one left to judge me. I am happy with the way my life has turned out, and I have even learned to laugh about it now. As they said in, "Hope Floats", Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to get over. " I love that line. Anyway, hang in there, keep on doing what is best for you and don't be afraid to separate negative people. When they start treating you right, let them back in, till then, nothing wrong with just talking about the weather. Just my thoughts. Good job on not drinking.

zjw

Yeah well it probably wasn't and your not going to do yourself any good thinking that it was does guilt make you feel good? It takes 2 to tango chances are you did the best that you could with the hand you where delt try not to allow this to drag you down in the future its not worth it.


Is the problem what they expect out of you or what you expect out of them? I for example have a set of grandparents that have been a thorn in my side all my life. I've always wanted them to be like typical loving grand parents. I've always felt that somewhere inside of them that exists I must also believe unicorns and ferries are real too. after 37 years of trying with those 2 I finally realized I'm the *******. I'm expecting them to be something they are not instead of accepting them for who they are. In my case I cannot accept them for who they are either. Which I feel is ok. You will not like or get along with everyone including family. years ago people left there families moved to new countries and due to lack of technology and such never looked back. Life went on. I'm not sure why we are all expected to just get along with every member on the family tree these days but its ok to not. In my case I've chosen to just keep my distance accept the fact that this situation is just the way that it is and to leave it as such. Its not my problem to fix and its bigger then me so I've just let it be. Will i be polite if i have to be in there company sure. but thats the extent of it. and Chances are in my case I wont be in there company again or anytime soon.

It sounds ot me like they all do not think to highly of you and lack respect for you. For whatever reasons. Its probably very easy for them to go ahead and blame you for all this and everything else rather then them to face there own demons but in the end this is all there problem not yous Unles syou wanna make it your problem?

If you cant fix it accept it for how it is. it can be a tough pill to swallow. I got one set of grand parents still alve and there CRAP that stings But it is what it is. I'm thankful for the ones that I did have.

So acceptance helps gratitude helps At least your not in that marriage anymore. You also cant expect them to understand all thats going on in your head either etc..

Soberwolf

This

Knurdyone

The wisdom & kindness I find here amazes me. I so appreciate your feedback & sharing your experiences. It will be difficult to dodge the guilt trips but distance really is the way to go. I like the idea of not shutting the door. Definitely their "stuff". I gotta stay healthy though. Thanks again. You all rock!

zjw

yeah i had to make lots of decsions with that in mind and I still do. Its all about me and keeping my sanity. Then I tackle other stuff.

gaffo

It is definitely hard dealing with toxic relationships but it is worth it. It works so much better than just crawling into a bottle. I've got my mom coming into town this weekend and I'm sure she and my wife will be up to their usual cat fight. Maybe this time I'll tell them to just leave it alone for once but probably not. It never works. There's no changing mom and I have to live with my wife. I'll try and stay healthy, that is a good idea.