Cooooooooooow
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
No, dear Cow, you're not and you're wise enough to realize this. My family is also a mess of dysfunctions. I bailed at 17, I couldn't stay a minute longer. I have a lot of survivor's guilt. I truly had no choice. I found out about many things much, much later. Still, the sibs cling to their fantasies/delusions. I guess it keeps them from going on maniacal destruction rampages. I don't know.
I'm sorry you had to spend time in that web. My psychiatrist recommended I cut all ties with mine, and I did for a good long while. But got reeled back in some years later. And the insanity started again. I don't blame them. I knew better. I did it anyway. I got lucky and survived yet again.
Cow, I do wish you could go in for some extensive inpatient/outpatient treatments. Where your diet and health could be supported. I don't want you to die. Please don't take on survivors guilt too, OK? none of this is your fault.
I think you need some rocking.
Love from Lenina
I'm sorry you had to spend time in that web. My psychiatrist recommended I cut all ties with mine, and I did for a good long while. But got reeled back in some years later. And the insanity started again. I don't blame them. I knew better. I did it anyway. I got lucky and survived yet again.
Cow, I do wish you could go in for some extensive inpatient/outpatient treatments. Where your diet and health could be supported. I don't want you to die. Please don't take on survivors guilt too, OK? none of this is your fault.
I think you need some rocking.
Love from Lenina
Marchia in Aeternum
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
Y'know what, Cow? That might be the best thing that you could do. Take in a roommate that would require your responsibility. Make the funny, functional, astute show a reality. Might be good for both of you.
Woe is Moo.
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
I hear you Trach, and I even think about it, but would total irresponsible for me to take in child in state I in.
Lenina, I has been inpatient, outpatient, nonpatient. It gonna come down to me. I has had some good runs at sobriety lately. But they not take hold. I still trying.
Lenina, I has been inpatient, outpatient, nonpatient. It gonna come down to me. I has had some good runs at sobriety lately. But they not take hold. I still trying.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Yes, keep at it. Post here. Or in the Mystic okra thread daily. Beats taking a shower, eh?
I'm proud of you, you know. I believe you are working very hard. I believe you can find some peace and some giggles in your life.
Love from Lenina
I'm proud of you, you know. I believe you are working very hard. I believe you can find some peace and some giggles in your life.
Love from Lenina
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,044
Originally Posted by Cow 
I hear you Trach, and I even think about it, but would total irresponsible for me to take in child in state I in.
I was in a pretty bad way when I was about that age. I think it would have been nice if someone who knew me had tried to help. No one can save anyone else, but sometimes it might be a comfort to think that you're cared for, not just by strangers who are paid to do it.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
I am an ACOA and I am no contact with my family. This is something that I generally don't share. Actually when it comes to those issues, I tend to turn into a turtle and hide in my shell.
I grew up with physical and verbal abuse and I have struggled with depression, codependency and suicidal tendencies through out my life.
Getting sober was the best thing I could have done because I was so sick of all that crap I knew that I was going to kill myself. I had been comparison shopping for funeral arrangements and looking up which bridges to jump off (they put a safety thing to the one my friend jumped off a few years ago).
One thing which really help me is helping others in need (doing volunteer work) and also staying in the moment.
I just finished an awesome Zen meditation class and this has helped my a lot with my peri menopause (yep got that too, probably contributes to the sour puss attitude) and with worrying/anxiety.
Still have to deal with chronic pain but with the warmer weather, it has gotten manageable.
The thing I keep on top of my mind is that there is nothing that drinking won't make worst. I did not "hit bottom" I just could not do it anymore. I was disgusted with myself.
I truly feel like I went through the "dark night of the soul" and I am glad I was able to pull through.
You could really be an asset to your niece but healing starts with you.
I grew up with physical and verbal abuse and I have struggled with depression, codependency and suicidal tendencies through out my life.
Getting sober was the best thing I could have done because I was so sick of all that crap I knew that I was going to kill myself. I had been comparison shopping for funeral arrangements and looking up which bridges to jump off (they put a safety thing to the one my friend jumped off a few years ago).
One thing which really help me is helping others in need (doing volunteer work) and also staying in the moment.
I just finished an awesome Zen meditation class and this has helped my a lot with my peri menopause (yep got that too, probably contributes to the sour puss attitude) and with worrying/anxiety.
Still have to deal with chronic pain but with the warmer weather, it has gotten manageable.
The thing I keep on top of my mind is that there is nothing that drinking won't make worst. I did not "hit bottom" I just could not do it anymore. I was disgusted with myself.
I truly feel like I went through the "dark night of the soul" and I am glad I was able to pull through.
You could really be an asset to your niece but healing starts with you.
Woe is Moo.
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Hi Carlotta, thank you so much for that sharing.
Bunny, is you serious think active depress addict should take in minor child? First of all, I hate childrens (sorry) and second, I not responsible nor have any knowledge of children raising.
That is one right thing I do in my pathetic life is NOT HAVE CHILDREN. My older brother was stupid, and he admit it now, but is too late! My offer was to send both girls to youth group camp or such, where they can be support and encourage to grow into healthy adult. I has been offer that for years, but girls not want to do it. Of course they don't! I was total abuse, but you still would has to pry me from my home. I try over and over to talk my brother into this, but he depress and dead like me, and not will even has coherent conversatings about this. (And is also complication of the girls worthless mother.) So is not gonna happen. It become such a stress on me, I just has to stop.
Bunny, is you serious think active depress addict should take in minor child? First of all, I hate childrens (sorry) and second, I not responsible nor have any knowledge of children raising.
That is one right thing I do in my pathetic life is NOT HAVE CHILDREN. My older brother was stupid, and he admit it now, but is too late! My offer was to send both girls to youth group camp or such, where they can be support and encourage to grow into healthy adult. I has been offer that for years, but girls not want to do it. Of course they don't! I was total abuse, but you still would has to pry me from my home. I try over and over to talk my brother into this, but he depress and dead like me, and not will even has coherent conversatings about this. (And is also complication of the girls worthless mother.) So is not gonna happen. It become such a stress on me, I just has to stop.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,044
Thanks, Carlotta.
If I hadn’t felt like I was staring death in the face, I would have kept on drinking. In fact, I did. For a long time. I feel more myself when I'm drunk than ever, ever sober. But myself is deadly to myself. I know exactly where my self's story was going. The morgue or a nuthouse.
I wish we would all stop drinking, Cow, GuineaPig, everyone. Sometimes I wish I could go back to drinking, but I can’t do it and still have a life, and I’m not quite ready to die.
It isn’t really that hard to quit. You just quit. The lead-up is a lot of lies to other people and to yourself, but the quit is just a minute. That you keep repeating all the time. I don't even know why sometimes. I loved to drink, really loved it. A highball fits my hand more naturally than a pencil or another person's hand. But as long as I have something to live for, I'm not drinking.
What do you all live for?
If I hadn’t felt like I was staring death in the face, I would have kept on drinking. In fact, I did. For a long time. I feel more myself when I'm drunk than ever, ever sober. But myself is deadly to myself. I know exactly where my self's story was going. The morgue or a nuthouse.
I wish we would all stop drinking, Cow, GuineaPig, everyone. Sometimes I wish I could go back to drinking, but I can’t do it and still have a life, and I’m not quite ready to die.
It isn’t really that hard to quit. You just quit. The lead-up is a lot of lies to other people and to yourself, but the quit is just a minute. That you keep repeating all the time. I don't even know why sometimes. I loved to drink, really loved it. A highball fits my hand more naturally than a pencil or another person's hand. But as long as I have something to live for, I'm not drinking.
What do you all live for?
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,044
Originally Posted by Cow
Bunny, is you serious think active depress addict should take in minor child? First of all, I hate childrens (sorry) and second, I not responsible nor have any knowledge of children raising.
A person doesn't need to know anything about raising children to show that he cares. A person doesn't need to care to show that he cares. A person only needs to act as if he cares. To act as if it's the one on the receiving end who matters.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Cow, that was a big reason I didn't have children, I felt my DNA was too contaminated. Plus I was always terrified of having to become financially dependent on anyone.
maybe you can give moral support from afar? I do that. I keep in touch through text and such. Its hard to break down family group dysfunctions single handed. Best you can do is get distance.
We will be here for you. Come here before drinking catpiss wines or coffees. Don't put those poisons in your body, OK?
Love from Lenina
maybe you can give moral support from afar? I do that. I keep in touch through text and such. Its hard to break down family group dysfunctions single handed. Best you can do is get distance.
We will be here for you. Come here before drinking catpiss wines or coffees. Don't put those poisons in your body, OK?
Love from Lenina
Marchia in Aeternum
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
cou, I'm living for not dying. I don't want to die. I especially don't want to die from drinking while my parents are alive. They blame themselves for my state even though I don't blame them. They aren't responsible. I was an alcoholic from the first drink at 15. All I ever wanted was to be smashed. Not their fault.
If I keep drinking like that, I will die. I don't want to die.
If I keep drinking like that, I will die. I don't want to die.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,044
Originally Posted by trachemys
cou, I'm living for not dying. I don't want to die. I especially don't want to die from drinking while my parents are alive. They blame themselves for my state even though I don't blame them. They aren't responsible. I was an alcoholic from the first drink at 15. All I ever wanted was to be smashed. Not their fault.
If I keep drinking like that, I will die. I don't want to die.
If I keep drinking like that, I will die. I don't want to die.
I'm sorry I'm not more cheerful tonight. I'm very sad and even a little angry about Cow's niece and a lot of stuff it raises in me (& the rest of us, I think), and that's the honest truth.
Marchia in Aeternum
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
We are all such messes, such steaming messes, that no one else can really understand. Only we can begin to grasp what another is going through. Add to that the perception that we are so screwed up that we can't possibly help another and we are where we are.
Alone. Alone and searching, grasping, hoping for a lifeline.
Let's not leave one like us behind.
Alone. Alone and searching, grasping, hoping for a lifeline.
Let's not leave one like us behind.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Cow, that was a big reason I didn't have children, I felt my DNA was too contaminated. Plus I was always terrified of having to become financially dependent on anyone.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
What did you say to her Cow? If even one person in the whole world understands her and what she is dealing with and that she is not defective just in a bad situation, that maybe the thing that saves her. Unless she is not safe at her home I agree taking her in full time is probably not a good idea. Nothing to stop you from giving her time and an understanding ear.
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