Forwards

I cannot believe how badly I have behaved today so am writing this post as a record.

It was supposed to have been a triple celebration - Easter Sunday, my Mum's birthday and my parents 40th wedding anniversary. A very special day indeed.

I began the day with half a litre of vodka for breakfast and arrived already drunk. We went out for a meal with the whole family - a rare occasion as we are not wealthy. I drank openly and copiously at the restaurant despite the fact that everyone knew I am an alcoholic. Why not? They were paying for it after all just to add insult to injury.

In the afternoon we went for a walk in the countryside and halfway through it I was suddenly violently and noisily sick in a hedgerow. I continued to be repeatedly sick for the entire walk home in front of my worried and presumably somewhat disgusted family.

Nothing much was said but when it was time for me to return home my Mum was clearly worried and begged me to 'look after myself'. My father drove me to the train station and asked kindly about my 'stomach troubles' but then making the point that I must abstain from alcohol as they had asked me so many times - 'You will never sort your life out until you do'. My response? To buy more alcohol at the second train station on the way home. I'm drinking it now before I go to bed. Disgraceful and even I feel ashamed.

I wrote a post on here a few weeks ago describing how my mother's greatest wish was that I give up drinking. I now believe that my drinking is actually immoral - it causes the whole family so much worry and me so much direct and indirect harm. How could I behave in this way on their special day?

The light at the end of the tunnel is that I do genuinely believe in AA. I'm just not sure at the moment how to get a 'Day 1'. Still, I will get myself to a meeting tomorrow and share this story. Maybe someone there will help.

Thank you for reading this. Forwards.

Hevyn

Very well written, Forwards. I behaved shamefully many times, mostly not even aware of it.

It takes courage to confront our addiction and take a stand. We do not have to continue to live that way. I wasted decades - finally I was just disgusted. It's so much better to get free and be in control. I hope you will get to your meeting tomorrow. Let us know how it goes.

doggonecarl

You get to day one by putting down the drink, this moment, and vowing never to pick it up again. Then you do everything in your power to support that decision.

If you been making a habit of a half liter in the morning, you might see a doctor and withdraw under medical supervision.

Carlotta

You can do it! You have been a member since 2010 and you go to AA so you know it is possible to achieve long term sobriety.
Going to a meeting and working the program is an excellent idea.
On the SR front, I would suggest that you join the class of April so you can get support from your peers who quit at the same time
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...2015-a-11.html
I would also suggest that you check in daily on the 24 hours Recovery Connections.
It is a supportive thread where people commit not to drink or drug that day and a fun way to hold ourselves accountable
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-49-a-17.html

Last but not least, half a liter of vodka is an awful lot. You might want to check with a doctor and get medications to help with withdrawals so you don't get a seizure or the DTs.

Dee74

Hi Forwards

You've had a long and difficult journey as a drinker.

I really hope this time is the time you do something concrete to change things.

Time for change Forwards.

D

zjw

Sad story but it doesn't have to be that way your here at least and that's a good start

Forwards

Thank you all for your replies. Yes it's time for change.

There is now no more alcohol in the house, just a big bottle of water by my bed. I'm going to try this without medical help at first and see how it goes. Having been through medically supervised detox before I'm fairly familiar with the methods of monitoring withdrawals and I can hopefully do this myself.

It's Easter Monday tomorrow so I don't have to work. I'll just spend the day in bed recovering if that what it takes and get myself to AA in the evening. This has to be possible.

Thanks again - Forwards.

Dee74

I recommend medical help. I think you need to go all out if you want change - no matter how scary it is.

Intent is great - but you've had intent before - you need concrete tangible change Forwards.

Seeing a Dr would be a great start
D

Carlotta

Good going on getting rid of the alcohol. One suggestion though is that while water is good, sports drinks (or even Gatorade) are better for rehydratation and it will also re balance your electrolytes.
If you are not a diabetic, quite a few members here recommend ice cream too.

soberlicious

Indeed it is possible, Forwards. I echo the others though, I think you should be medically monitored. Never hurts to err on the side of caution.

You deserve a better life than this. It's time to turn it around. You can do this. So many here have, and I KNOW you can too.

Para

Your story reminds me of countless stories of my own. I have ruined many special occasions like birthdays and anniversaries with my drinking. And then there's the regret of it. I always had the best of intentions when I drank. I just thought i'd be happier and everyone would be happy. That's not the case. I'd get sick or pass out or black out. And ruin it for everyone else! I don't want to do that anymore.
Just take it one sober minute/hour/day at a time. I'm doing the same thing at this very moment!
All the best

Also...the wedding anniversary may have been a disgrace....but if it gets you on the path of not drinking and turning your life around...it really is a blessing!! See the good in this and make a change!

Forwards

Thanks guys. The medical side of things is unfortunately where it gets very complicated. There's quite some medical history here and that's why I'm reluctant to get the doctors involved this time around.

All I'll say here is that my alcoholism has contributed to a continued deterioration in my mental health over the years. I am receiving regular support for this but it has been made clear to me by the docs that I should not drink at all (though I'm sure that's obvious to everyone here anyway). I don't want to cause them alarm (and hence cause problems for myself) by being honest with them about my drinking. Instead I feel that it is a problem that I just have to sort out by myself. Using SR and AA (if I can do this) has the advantage that I don't have to involve the official agencies any more than I have to. The disadvantage of course is that this requires an inherent but temporary level of dishonesty with those trying to help me.

In short I feel that if I can sort this out myself I should do so as soon as possible without causing any further trouble.

Dee74

Well it's your call...but I don't see how you can get the right help for your mental health without being honest.

I really think the best thing would be for you to bite the bullet and come clean.

As the saying goes, you can't save your face and your butt at the same time...

D

Soberwolf

Whats in your sober plan ?

soberlicious

I understand what you're saying, but in the grand scheme of things dying, or being seriously injured, from alcohol withdrawal is a risk not worth taking.

neferkamichael

Forwards, sounds like it's time to get serious about quitting, rootin for ya.

waynetheking

Alcoholism is a disease. It affects everyone who loves us. Time to quit forwards.

lycanlaz

Good luck man, bit concerned that you're trying to detox alone, tried that a couple times recently and its not gone well, be safe yeah?

Hawkeye13

How are you today forwards?

You can do this one day at a time.

What about going to an AA meeting and getting some outside face-to-face support?

Anna

Forwards, I'm sorry I don't quite understand why you are reluctant to get the help you need for your mental health? I hope you have a change of heart.

Good for getting rid of the alcohol in the house. I can feel your pain in the post about your family outing, and I know you really want to do this. Please know that we are here for you, and feel free to PM me anytime you like. I'm always around.