What was your breaking point?
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
I realised i had a problem when i said i was alcoholic and didnt stop drinking even when i tried
took me 3 months
i also realise i was in denial but it was hard as my alcoholism was progressive and in all honesty i should have known better but thats what happened
took me 3 months
i also realise i was in denial but it was hard as my alcoholism was progressive and in all honesty i should have known better but thats what happened
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: london uk
Posts: 261
Originally Posted by Lance40 
I quit before I was physically addicted and wasn't really a black out drunk, but I was heading in that direction. The main reason I quit was that I was drinking to hangover levels 4 to 5 nights a week and the vicious cycle of always being drunk or feeling sick just got too much to handle.
Toward the end I had many classic signs. Alternating liquor stores to avoid clerks judging me, going out for after dinner "walks" to secretly hit a pub and down some shots, driving drunk in city traffic to get more liquor, walking back from a liquor store and going down an alley to glug from the bottle before I got home, hiding small liquor bottles in weird places around the house, sneaking into the kitchen during dinner parties to drink from the bottle under the pretence of getting something else, binging so fast I would skip the warm and fuzzy buzz and just get messed up really fast, alcohol quit being fun, etc.
My worst memories are all those sleepless, sweaty nights and the alarm ringing with my heart sinking at the thought of the dog tired, nauseated day ahead at work. I would stand in the shower and feel so trapped that I had done it again that some days I'd just want to cry knowing I'd swing by the liquor store on the way home and do it again that night.
Toward the end I had many classic signs. Alternating liquor stores to avoid clerks judging me, going out for after dinner "walks" to secretly hit a pub and down some shots, driving drunk in city traffic to get more liquor, walking back from a liquor store and going down an alley to glug from the bottle before I got home, hiding small liquor bottles in weird places around the house, sneaking into the kitchen during dinner parties to drink from the bottle under the pretence of getting something else, binging so fast I would skip the warm and fuzzy buzz and just get messed up really fast, alcohol quit being fun, etc.
My worst memories are all those sleepless, sweaty nights and the alarm ringing with my heart sinking at the thought of the dog tired, nauseated day ahead at work. I would stand in the shower and feel so trapped that I had done it again that some days I'd just want to cry knowing I'd swing by the liquor store on the way home and do it again that night.
New Life Sober
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Noblesville, IN
Posts: 777
My breaking point was when the cops came to my door and called the CPS. Didn't think my husband had the courage to do so, but it shows me he can do it again. With that if I drink again or they find out, more things will get worse like my kids wont be with me and I would loose everything. Life is to short for all grateful things I have in my life, my drinking was more important and now I am in control to be strong be higher than drinking.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Christchurch
Posts: 451
I didn't start drinking until I was 25 but I would say that within a year I was an alcoholic, I could not moderate. My now husband was a heavy drinker when I met him and our romantic nights drinking wine soon turned into nightly benders where both of us would black out and have no recollection of what we said or did the night before. At about age 32 the alcohol was starting to show, I gained a lot of weight, felt terrible unless I was drinking and my career was going down the toilet. The weight gain turned into an intense self hatred and I began isolating myself and drinking even more and by this time I was hiding bottles and pouring wine into coffee cups. I got it together for a few years and moderated but in the last 2 years before I quit my drinking escalated to a whole new level. I began calling and texting people at night and one particularly embarrassing memory is of my boss presenting my monthly report in a work meeting to several executives. The report was complete nonsense and I was so far gone I had even signed the report with the name of a colleague. I left my job that day never to return and eventually after my husband was ready to leave out marriage I quit. My husband had stopped drinking three years before I did and my drinking frightened him. When I quit 15 months ago I was drinking 2 bottles of wine a day, driving a car and holding down a job. I feel sick that this was my life and do grateful I have a second chance.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
All my adventures, losing friends, in trouble with police, relationship break ups, and rehab eventually gave me a head full of knowledge about what alcholism is, what it does and where it was taking me. I finally realised I was alcoholic. But this knowledge alone as not sufficient for me to quit. Knowing what the problem was, for a hopeless alcoholic like me, was a long way from knowing what the solution would be. I took it almost to the end before I was willing to ask someone who knew, to show me the solution.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 49
I had a few intense moments.
1) Having never had physical hangovers, I always suffered intense existential hangovers. One morning toward the end of 2013 after a heavy bender I was so ill (probably alcohol poisoning, on reflection) that I was sobbing into the toilet, convinced I was killing myself, recognizing how I was destroying the life my mother worked so hard to give me, destroying my friendships - hurting people that really cared about me, and above everything else (most importantly to me as a philosopher) LIVING IN BAD FAITH, essentially living in self-deception that this way of life was worth glorifying, that this is what made me a fun person to be around, that this was part of who I am. I realized Ididn't want to hurt my family by wasting my life and potential, I owe them more. I realized I wouldn't be able to handle the shame of developing alcoholic related illnesses like diabetes at 25 (I already had gout at 19 and always joked about it) and I realized I didn't want to turn out like my deadbeat, crackhead dad. I also knew that my brother who'd commit suicide after battling addiction would be heartbroken to see me this way.
I spent the following year trying to get healthy and moderate. Mid-year I had the worst depressive episode of my life and a pretty severe hypomanic episode too - really behaving the worse I ever had, and suffering MASSIVE guilt and shame hangovers for all of it (this, while visiting my family back home). While on vacation with my family I tried not to drink but my family did so I did too, I couldn't resist. I got frustrated with how weak my will power was. My family is fairly firmly planted in the it's on you park - so it's always "your own responsibility to just say no". I really struggled in the environment and eventually just extracted myself from the situations where they were having wine, which (since it was their vacation too) was fairly often. I became isolated from my own family while I'd come across the world to spend time with them, purely because I knew I couldn't handle the sight of wine without plunging into two or three bottles. I'd said flippantly a few times that I'd developed a drinking problem but they waved it off.
Eventually, my mother - who has always been a skeptic with regards to my mental health issues - asked me if I think I really have a problem, and I just burst into tears. I've always known that the things you don't want to tell your mother are probably not very good for you in the first place.
So, when we hugged at the airport, she said "stop drinking, and listen to happy music" - I guess her weird way of saying she finally acknowledges I'm not okay. I said, okay, I'll go a month sober. She said try a year.
I didn't last a week. The place I live isn't conducive to sobriety, and I've established myself in all my social circles as a party girl, ready to throw down at the drop of a hat. I picked a date, I went out and got drunk knowing it'd be my last time for a month. I blacked out and had no idea how I got home, I had grazes and bruises all over me and I had no idea how.
A dry month went by with moderate withdrawals, but psycholigically I knew I couldn't deal with more drinking. I just knew. My depression will get worse, my life will continue to get worse if I continue. So, a month turned into two and then three and then four.
At four and a half months I had a hypomanic episode and total meltdown. Severe irritability and anxiety and binge eating and purging and all kinds of awful thoughts I'd never expereinced. That was a different kind of rock bottom. That was when I realized being dry isn't enough. Doing it alone isn't enough. I need help. I need to make more serious commitments. I know my limits but I'd been stretching them too far.
That's when I came here, and was warmly welcomed. I've now decided to go to my first AA meeting (date TBD) and have ordered the big book. I now know there's work to be done and that I need (and have found some) support.
Hehe, I think writing that was more valuable to me than for you - so thanks for asking. Hope it sheds some insight into whatever questions you're looking to answer.
1) Having never had physical hangovers, I always suffered intense existential hangovers. One morning toward the end of 2013 after a heavy bender I was so ill (probably alcohol poisoning, on reflection) that I was sobbing into the toilet, convinced I was killing myself, recognizing how I was destroying the life my mother worked so hard to give me, destroying my friendships - hurting people that really cared about me, and above everything else (most importantly to me as a philosopher) LIVING IN BAD FAITH, essentially living in self-deception that this way of life was worth glorifying, that this is what made me a fun person to be around, that this was part of who I am. I realized Ididn't want to hurt my family by wasting my life and potential, I owe them more. I realized I wouldn't be able to handle the shame of developing alcoholic related illnesses like diabetes at 25 (I already had gout at 19 and always joked about it) and I realized I didn't want to turn out like my deadbeat, crackhead dad. I also knew that my brother who'd commit suicide after battling addiction would be heartbroken to see me this way.
I spent the following year trying to get healthy and moderate. Mid-year I had the worst depressive episode of my life and a pretty severe hypomanic episode too - really behaving the worse I ever had, and suffering MASSIVE guilt and shame hangovers for all of it (this, while visiting my family back home). While on vacation with my family I tried not to drink but my family did so I did too, I couldn't resist. I got frustrated with how weak my will power was. My family is fairly firmly planted in the it's on you park - so it's always "your own responsibility to just say no". I really struggled in the environment and eventually just extracted myself from the situations where they were having wine, which (since it was their vacation too) was fairly often. I became isolated from my own family while I'd come across the world to spend time with them, purely because I knew I couldn't handle the sight of wine without plunging into two or three bottles. I'd said flippantly a few times that I'd developed a drinking problem but they waved it off.
Eventually, my mother - who has always been a skeptic with regards to my mental health issues - asked me if I think I really have a problem, and I just burst into tears. I've always known that the things you don't want to tell your mother are probably not very good for you in the first place.
So, when we hugged at the airport, she said "stop drinking, and listen to happy music" - I guess her weird way of saying she finally acknowledges I'm not okay. I said, okay, I'll go a month sober. She said try a year.
I didn't last a week. The place I live isn't conducive to sobriety, and I've established myself in all my social circles as a party girl, ready to throw down at the drop of a hat. I picked a date, I went out and got drunk knowing it'd be my last time for a month. I blacked out and had no idea how I got home, I had grazes and bruises all over me and I had no idea how.
A dry month went by with moderate withdrawals, but psycholigically I knew I couldn't deal with more drinking. I just knew. My depression will get worse, my life will continue to get worse if I continue. So, a month turned into two and then three and then four.
At four and a half months I had a hypomanic episode and total meltdown. Severe irritability and anxiety and binge eating and purging and all kinds of awful thoughts I'd never expereinced. That was a different kind of rock bottom. That was when I realized being dry isn't enough. Doing it alone isn't enough. I need help. I need to make more serious commitments. I know my limits but I'd been stretching them too far.
That's when I came here, and was warmly welcomed. I've now decided to go to my first AA meeting (date TBD) and have ordered the big book. I now know there's work to be done and that I need (and have found some) support.
Hehe, I think writing that was more valuable to me than for you - so thanks for asking. Hope it sheds some insight into whatever questions you're looking to answer.
Matt M
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 490
Originally Posted by Amanda88432
What was the moment when you first realized you have a problem? Did you hit rock bottom, or did you decide to make a change before it got that far? What was the big eye opener for you? I want to hear your stories.
I thought I finally hit it when I lost my job of 14 years due to an alcohol related incident.
But then during my recuperation from that, I finally did hit rock bottom when I had a withdrawal seizure, on my own, in my kitchen, and decided to use the kitchen floor as a place to repeatedly smash my head.
The pictures I still keep on my phone remind me of that day and are a warning sign to anyone!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 688
Originally Posted by zjw
I had numerous health issues but none of that had anything to do with my drinking... Then i started having panic attacks pretty regularly. I was having panic and anxiety non stop. thought i was having a heart attack all day long etc.. I didnt know what to do so quit smoking that didnt help so i started smoking again. I did some reading online and learned drinking /could/ cause that. I was rather pissed off that i might have to quit drinking since it was the only thing that helped those panic attacks IE iw as totally fine so long as i kept the booze flowing. It never dawned on me that it could be withdrawels or soemthing how could that be? I mean if i went to bed smashed at 1am how could I possibly be having withdrawels by 4am?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 34
I think when I was crossing lines that went against my values, internal core beliefs.
-Unprotected sex
-Operating vehicles
-Trying other substances I told myself I'd never try
-Not being reliable socially/work wise
Also, several months before I quit all substances, I noticed that I would become extremely depressed/anxious/passively suicidal after a night of binge drinking. Sometimes it wasn't even binge drinking (like 2 drinks).
The headspace that I would go into was scary and I would spiral quickly very far down. I also felt extreme shame/guilt after drinking which I registered as abnormal after comparing notes to friends who didn't have drinking problems.
I have also struggled with an eating disorder and I noticed that the ED thoughts would flare up and be reactivated after drinking.
-Unprotected sex
-Operating vehicles
-Trying other substances I told myself I'd never try
-Not being reliable socially/work wise
Also, several months before I quit all substances, I noticed that I would become extremely depressed/anxious/passively suicidal after a night of binge drinking. Sometimes it wasn't even binge drinking (like 2 drinks).
The headspace that I would go into was scary and I would spiral quickly very far down. I also felt extreme shame/guilt after drinking which I registered as abnormal after comparing notes to friends who didn't have drinking problems.
I have also struggled with an eating disorder and I noticed that the ED thoughts would flare up and be reactivated after drinking.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 34
I think when I was crossing lines that went against my values, internal core beliefs.
-Unprotected sex
-Operating vehicles
-Trying other substances I told myself I'd never try
-Not being reliable socially/work wise
Also, several months before I quit all substances, I noticed that I would become extremely depressed/anxious/passively suicidal after a night of binge drinking. Sometimes it wasn't even binge drinking (like 2 drinks).
The headspace that I would go into was scary and I would spiral quickly very far down. I also felt extreme shame/guilt after drinking which I registered as abnormal after comparing notes to friends who didn't have drinking problems.
I have also struggled with an eating disorder and I noticed that the ED thoughts would flare up and be reactivated after drinking.
-Unprotected sex
-Operating vehicles
-Trying other substances I told myself I'd never try
-Not being reliable socially/work wise
Also, several months before I quit all substances, I noticed that I would become extremely depressed/anxious/passively suicidal after a night of binge drinking. Sometimes it wasn't even binge drinking (like 2 drinks).
The headspace that I would go into was scary and I would spiral quickly very far down. I also felt extreme shame/guilt after drinking which I registered as abnormal after comparing notes to friends who didn't have drinking problems.
I have also struggled with an eating disorder and I noticed that the ED thoughts would flare up and be reactivated after drinking.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
I had several warning signs that started in my late 20's, including crippling panic attacks and the absolute need for a daily drink. I somehow was able to keep my life together for a while, but the panic attacks became so bad that I quit my job and not long after that I quit my relationship too. At this point, I started my new full-time job: drinking all day. I knew this was a problem but I told myself it was just a phase and that I was simply "taking a career break" after 10 years with my company and a rough breakup with my girlfriend. I told myself I deserved it and was just having fun.
Instead of getting back into the work force, I continued to drink. I emptied my savings and 401K to gamble and party in places like New Orleans, Vegas, London, etc. Drugs entered the picture as well. I gained weight and began experiencing minor health issues that nagged me and became worse and worse. This went on for 1.5 years or so. I saw less of my friends, and stayed in my house more and more. Every night I would be drenched in sweat and needed a drink immediately upon waking up. People got worried.
Finally, I tried to cut down and stop for a while - this was mainly because I had some family issues to take care of, and I didn't want to be sloshed in front of them. Instead, I had some terrible withdrawal seizures and had to be rushed to the hospital in an ambulance more than once. I had just enough money left in my bank to pay for half of my rehab treatment, my parents paid the other half. Haven't had a drink since, 2.5 years and counting. Got my life back and then some, life is better now than it has ever been in the past.
Instead of getting back into the work force, I continued to drink. I emptied my savings and 401K to gamble and party in places like New Orleans, Vegas, London, etc. Drugs entered the picture as well. I gained weight and began experiencing minor health issues that nagged me and became worse and worse. This went on for 1.5 years or so. I saw less of my friends, and stayed in my house more and more. Every night I would be drenched in sweat and needed a drink immediately upon waking up. People got worried.
Finally, I tried to cut down and stop for a while - this was mainly because I had some family issues to take care of, and I didn't want to be sloshed in front of them. Instead, I had some terrible withdrawal seizures and had to be rushed to the hospital in an ambulance more than once. I had just enough money left in my bank to pay for half of my rehab treatment, my parents paid the other half. Haven't had a drink since, 2.5 years and counting. Got my life back and then some, life is better now than it has ever been in the past.
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