alaina742

It's day one again. The sadness is unbearable. I have so many reasons to have hope but right now I just feel horribly sad. Like I cannot function. Fortunately I don't have to function until tomorrow at 5. This is really bad. I keep thinking about my dad, who died on December 18th and how I will never see him again.

Soberwolf

Hi Alaina remember this experience so you never forget what happens when you drink alcohol

Dust yourself add more to your sobriety plan make it your only thing for a while itl take time but you can do it

Im sorry for your recent loss if you ever want to talk you can pm bud

Dee74

what made you drink again Alaina?

D

alaina742

I'm making a pot pie right now. It helps with my medication to eat something. I'm just getting through that next 20 minutes until it comes out of the oven. I'm watching a movie and playing solitaire on my phone.

alaina742

Feeling like this. This profound depression

biminiblue

Alaina, everyone in my family has died, I understand. The thing is, you cannot get over it while you're still drinking, the drinking keeps you in depression. It makes it worse.

Your Dad wouldn't want you to lose your own self because of his death. Honor his memory with sobriety. You will heal much faster.

Dee74

Maybe some grief counselling could help?
D

soberclover

I'm really glad you are trying to get yourself back in balance and on track again; it is so important to never give up on the hope that our lives can become whatever we want them to be.

zjw

depression can be killer. especially in the begining. I didnt even realize thats what it was. My episodes lasted forever I mean obviously years but then months weeks then days then i could get a grip on myself within hours hopefully of course going to bed and just waking up the next day was always a better choice then drinking or sitting there feeling crappy.

The point is the sooner you recognize your mind is spiraling downward into that pit the better. All to often i'd spiral down not even realize it and days would go by before i'd rescue myself out. Lucky for me I didnt relapse but I'd feel horrible and really close to drinking.

You where doing really well and made some good headway. I say just dust yourself off and try again its not a big deal. BUt keep an eye on the depression and counter it when it comes on. Go for a walk even if you dont want too or do something that helps you feel better even if you dont want too.

One time i felt really depressed I new a walk would help but i didnt wanna. I went anyhow but I kept my head down. I thought i'm mad i'm sad I wanna be ticked off. Finally I lifted my head saw the fall folliage and started to feel better and realized how stupid i was being. So while I didnt even wanna go i went anyhow and snapped out of it.

Sometimes when you dont wanna do the thing that'll make you feel better is when you need too the most.

Hang in there. Maybe try and be thankful for the time you had with your father rather then focus on the loss. Would your father want you to feel this way and to try and solve it with drinking?

You can do this.

alaina742

Thanks everyone. Was going to go to the gym but it's 0 here. Tomorrow for sure.

tokidoki

Hello alaina742,
I am so sorry for all that you are going through. I am still relatively new here, but have realized everyone really does have your/my back. I have gone through something similar recently; both Mom and Dad have died. It's incredibly difficult. I don't have any great advice for you, but just want you to know that I am sending all good vibes your way, and am guessing you have a lot of SR members doing the same.
Please take care of yourself.

fini

alaina,
sorry to hear about this.
and the awful depression.

hm...a few days ago you said it was only your job that made you drink; that appears not to be so.
and this is a good thing to know. it is good to have more information. it seems the job is not the issue when it comes to drinking.

you have another thread with questions about step 2; it seems to me that if you are interested in the step-program, step 1 would be a good start.
i tried to "do" all the steps in my head before ever actually "doing" them for real, and ultimately that wasn't really helpful.

Gottalife

In another thread one of the posters drew attention to the importance of step 1, which is identifying the problem. Like when a car breaks down, it can't be fixed until we know what the problem is. From your most recent posts it appears there are three possibilities causing you to drink,

a) job- solution: get another job that you like and the drinking will stop,

b) grief- I have personally found grief counselling very helpful. If grief is at the root of the problem, some counselling should remove the need to drink.

c) chronic alcoholism - if this is the problem, neither grief counselling or a new job, will fix it. The spiritual solution seems to be something you are open to and perhaps that is worth putting some effort into. Or perhaps some other approach to treating the alcoholism will work.

Alcoholism was my problem and it made no difference how many changes I made to my external circumstances, jobs, towns, partners and friends, none of them were the cause of my alcoholism. I remember once seeking treatment for a temporal lobe condition that I imagined was the cause of my problems. The docs just smiled. Treatment for temporal lobe problems is not that effective with alcoholism. It wasnt until I began treatment for alcoholism that I made any progress.

biminiblue

I never even saw that post...


Alaina, how are you feeling today?

Carlotta

I second Tom's post!

I agree with others that grief counseling might help. I really wish I had gotten it when my dad died. It was really traumatic for me and it took me months before I was able to cry then I slumped into depression.
Another tool which I find valuable is meditation. Focusing on breathing and being present. It teaches you how to round up your thoughts and bring your mind back to the moment.
Mostly, it is natural to grieve a parent and it does take time. At some point the sharp pain of loss will turn into something sweeter and make way for the fond memories.

Hang in there and don't drink no matter what.

((hugs))

alaina742

Omg that's my problem! I cried the day it happened and that was it. But I feel bad from time to time, and it sometimes gets disabling...but I don't cry?

I'm okay today. Saw another house in my price range that's lovely! Outside only. I have to get the agents to start looking at interiors.

I'm at the gym now and I work at 5.

tomsteve

My dad died in November 1995. I hated myself as I didn't ever tell him thank you for all he did for me and that I loved him. It was ten I crossed the line into full blown alcoholism. I stayed drunk for three straight years,only stopped due to a bad case of pneumonia, and even then didn't get sober until 2005.
That's when I started learning about grieving. One major thing I learned through that experience is stuffing it isn't a good idea. Not talking about it isn't good.
Grieving isn't something that just ends. It's not, say, ok, a year now I'm done grieving. It can come back at any time( as I am feeling it with my dad as I type).
There isn't one set way grieving occurs either. It doesn't require tears every time. Grieving occurs in many ways and feelings.
I started going through the grieving again in September 2013 when I mother died. I was her caregiver and she lived with me for 11 years. What helped me tremendously was very good friends both here and f2f and an online grief forum( there was a grief group locally, but meeting once a month wasn't gonnna cut it.). They all helped me see there was nothing wrong with how I was feeling and helped me through it, even if it was just to listen to me balling.

Please, Alaina, look into support. Just as getting sober and staying sober works good by talking to people that have been in our shoes, the same goes for grieving.

Prayers out for ya.

alaina742

I'm so mad at myself ATM. Apparently I make too much money to even apply for SSI. I didn't know money determined if you could be mentally ill.

Depression is ruining my life. I'm so pissed.

I'm mad at myself for letting things get so out of control at work. I feel like I'm just throwing it all away. But there are times when I feel sick and I literally cannot force myself to do whatever it is that needs done.

I have that meeting with my bosses on Tuesday. As happy as I am with my other plans, this is all still difficult to deal with.

The social security lady really made me mad. Not her personally, just the whole idea of it. I guarantee my depression is worse than a lot of people on SSI. I work because I will be a homeless prostitute if I don't. Literally. Obviously I'm not successful at it ATM...barely holding it together but that counts for nothing.

zjw

Feel as if your hanging on by a thread and people seem to think depression is fake? Yeah my anxiety and panic was so bad i should have been put on disablity. I honestly still think i should be on disablity or at best i'm only capable of a certain level of work that probably comes with a low pay scale as I just dont have what it takes to handle the sorta stuff i once did. I'm ok with this. I've come to accept that about me.

I'm beyond the depression myself thankfully but my anxiety is still pretty rough and I know full well what you mean "But there are times when I feel sick and I literally cannot force myself to do whatever it is that needs done. " I literally cannot force myself to do my job many days. Seriously I cant.

what do i do instead? I let it be. I distract myself in a book drink a cup of tea go for a walk talk to a friend help with my kids etc... I know this isnt going to do squat at helping me retain employment but i'm ok with it. Employment is not what i'm after. I'm after sanity! I want to get up and get through each day with as much of a smile as possible and this is how i do it.

In my case if and when i loose my job i'll cross that bridge when i get to it. But I do try key word TRY to go day to day not worrying about that as when i worry about it its as if i'm living the event when it has not even happened. why would i want to live it a zillion times before it even happens if it even happens? Its better to just live for right now this moment.

I'm not perfect I still have my issues however.

I just wanna help you come back to that happier spot I know you can be at.

Remember even tho life can be crappy you need crap to grow pretty flowers.

Hang in there I feel ya.

alaina742

Thanks. I'm at my restaurant job now. I feel TERRIBLE but for some reason, I can force myself to do this job when I don't feel well. It's just the other job.

I am beyond mad at myself and embarrassed abot what a mess everything is ATM. It's a lot to deal with when I'm new to this recovery thing.