silentrun

Thank you for sharing your story. There are other people on this board who struggle with the depression even after having a good amount of sobriety. I'm sorry you haven't gotten the relief you were looking for yet.
There are also quite a few atheists in AA here as well. You may already know this but AA Agnostica has a great site about incorporating spirituality for atheist into the 12 steps. In larger areas they even have meetings. If it got you this far you might want to try it again and maybe add another method to it as well.
I don't think it should make you feel like you are doing something wrong because so many around you are telling you how happy they are sober and you haven't achieved happiness yet. Their definition may be different than yours or maybe they are faking it until they make it. Maybe you are just in a different place then them at the moment and it's taking you a little longer to get there. Dealing with depression that you are describing is an extra challenge for you.
Thanks for the heads up on the couple drinks trap. Thinking it's no big deal anymore and making it an option does seem to be a common theme with relapses from people with some good time in. Sorry to say but I have heard that it is more difficult to get your ball in the air after a relapse. It can be done. It can be done by you.

Dee74

Welcome aboard mme - some great advice here

Why not check out our Class of January support thread?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-2-a-17.html

Kaneda8888

Thanks for your post mme, it really struck a chord in me. Alcoholism is a brutal animal. You've just got to forward day by day. We're here for you !

LBrain

"Then for seemingly no real reason other than it being the holidays I decided that I could have 2 beers on Thanksgiving. I don't know what my rational was, and I wasn't even as depressed that day as I was at many other points in my sobriety. I didn't even get drunk, I just drank the beers and went to sleep.

The next day at work was a different story. I had reactivated the gears of alcoholism in my head. The whole day all I could think about was how I was going to go to the liquor store after work and pick up a bottle. It was like a switch had been flicked from not thinking about drinking at all to that being the only thought that went through my head."

Thanks for sharing this. A good reminder that no matter how long one is away from the drink, it only takes one time to upset the cart.

mme85

Its amazingly scary just how quickly back it comes. Glad I was able to give some insight.

Draumwave

Thanks for this post helped me alot today am almost 300 days sober but been having some tough times lately. You made me remember that it's not worth it to even test out drinking again. Thanks. I hope you stay on the wagon, sounds like you are a sincere person. Peace.

waynetheking

Mme85, im not a doctor. Far from it. But just maybe, just maybe, the reason you were depressed during your sobriety is because you were not willing to let go of your alcoholism. Perhaps you haven't concided to thd fact that you can never drink again. And your fighting that. And its winning. And thats depressing you. Its that"white knuckling" we often hear about. Its a real tuff spot to be in.

Im not going to preach god to you. I can only relate my experience with you. Ill be honest here. God is my only hope on beating this dreadful disease. Theres no way I can quit on my own. My hp is drinking for me now. I don't have to anymore. My depression was lifted when I quit drinking and realized something greater than me took over my life and restored me to sanity.

Your still young. You have many more years left to enjoy. Go one day at a time. And thank you for sharing with us. It will get better. Have a little faith.

duckbaby

I related so much with your story that in a moment of fear and panic I found it so comforting. Thank you so much for that. I wish you all the best and all love