mme85

Hello, this is my first post here but I wanted to share my story to see because maybe it'll help somebody or at the very least it'll let me put what I've been going through into words.

I'm 29 and I first sobered up when I was 27 in June of 2012. I had been a daily drinker for years and always knew I was an alocholic but had no idea how to get out of it or what to do. I was living by myself and drinking about a litre of vodka a day but still managing to barely hold down a job and pay my bills. It finally got to the point where I knew if I kept drinking I would eventually die so I called my parents one night and asked if I could move back home (they lived a state away). I put in my two weeks for my job, contacted my landlord, and got out. All I knew was that if I stayed living by myself I stood no chance to get out of it.

For about the first two weeks after moving home I stayed sober but eventually the thoughts crept in that I could drink again and that started off a 3 months fiasco of me drinking behind my parents back, them catching me, and the whole vicious cycle of shame, depression, and worthlessness. Eventually they sent me to outpatient treatment yet I continued to drink and then finally it was go to inpatient treatment for 3 weeks or get out of the house.

I didn't want to go to inpatient but it was actually a really eye opening experience and it got me to do a lot of self reflection. For the first time in my life I actually wanted to stop drinking for ME. Not because somebody told me I should or I had a bad experience or consequence thrown my way. I actually wanted to stop to see if I could turn my life around and improve myself.

I got out of inpatient and started going to meetings regularily. I got a job and started working out daily. I met a ton of friends in meetings and built up a new social network. Eventually I bought a new car and got an even better job and found a place to live with another sober friend. I began seeing counselors and psychiatrists and attempted to tackle my mental health. I had a strong will to never drink again and let alcohol dicatate my life. On paper everything in my life was drastically improved from when I was drinking, it was undeniable.

Yet the entire time I was sober I constantly battled with depression. I have been severely depressed my entire life and never been able to get a handle on it. When I was younger and in my teenage years I thought maybe being depressed was just a part of growing up and it would go away when I became an adult. Then when I begain drinking at age 18-26 it seemed like alcohol was the only way to cope with the depression. I realized in treatment I had zero chance of ever curing depression if I continued drinking so I really wanted to give sobriety an honest shot to see if I could finally tackle it.

I was hospitalized several times for being depressed while in sobriety. I told friends, sponsors, people at meetings that I had no reason to live and didn't think there was any point to life. It seemed like everybody who sobered up around the same time as me seemed to be getting happier and happier and I was just dying inside a little more and more as time went by. It seemed like everytime I was depressed and brought it up to somebody in AA they would tell me I wasn't doing enough praying, wasn't working the steps the right way, wasn't going to enough meetings, didn't have the right sponsor etc, etc etc.

I've never believed in god or a higher power and I realize thats a big part of the AA program. I tried to keep an open mind to it and hear all the arguments and the chapter to the agnostic but it just never resonated with me. I didn't see not believing in god as this huge issue in my life that needed to be fixed like everybody else around me seemed to. I continued to go to meetings because I saw the value in being around sober people for support and it helped me but I always felt like I was on the defensive with certain people. One person I know in meetings actually told me that if I didn't believe in god I should just kill myself which obviously alienated me.

I guess where I'm going with this was that I managed to stay sober 2 1/2 years while being extremely depressed and confused. I had month long stretches where all I wanted to do was go to work, come home and sleep. I've had points where I was ready to run my car off the road. Like I said I've been hospitalized. But I didn't drink. Something in me just didn't see that as an option. Actually for almost my entire sobriety drinking wasn't even on the table and I'd have months long stretches where the thought didn't even cross my mind.

Then for seemingly no real reason other than it being the holidays I decided that I could have 2 beers on Thanksgiving. I don't know what my rational was, and I wasn't even as depressed that day as I was at many other points in my sobriety. I didn't even get drunk, I just drank the beers and went to sleep.

The next day at work was a different story. I had reactivated the gears of alcoholism in my head. The whole day all I could think about was how I was going to go to the liquor store after work and pick up a bottle. It was like a switch had been flicked from not thinking about drinking at all to that being the only thought that went through my head. Had I learned nothing from the literally hundreds of hours I spent in the rooms of AA? Was I remembering the pain and utter despair of all the nights I spent drinking alone and the hell I put my parents through drinking behind there back? Were all the things I aquired in sobriety not proof enough that life, at least on paper, improves when I don't put alcohol in my body? Apparently none of those things mattered anymore.

I did indeed go to the store after work and buy that bottle. And then the next night, and the next night. My roommate was out of town for a few days and I told myself I'd stop when he got back because there was no way he'd tolerate drinking in his house. So I just waited until I knew he was asleep to start drinking. At least at first. Eventually I told my work I wasn't able to come anymore due to crippling depression and they agreed to let me go on leave. Now I had free time and a racing alcoholic mind. My roommate would catch me several times drunk when he got home and tried to help me. He'd take me to meetings and I'd stay sober for a few days and then drink again. I'd go to meetings with him knowing full well that nothing anybody said that night was going to change the fact I'd drink as soon as I could after the meeting. I'd wake up everyday knowing my life was falling apart and knowing what I was doing wasn't making any sense but I just kept going. I knew alcohol was the only way to get the shame of what I'd become out of my head, at least for a few hours. Everything seemed impossible. Just getting up and getting out of bed to go to the bathroom seemed like too much work. The fear and anxiety and depression were so debiliating its impossible to put into words.

My roommate told me he was kicking me out and this past weekend because he couldn't have it anymore. So instead of moving my stuff out the day he asked I began drinking. He came home and found me and took me to one of the worst detox places there is. This place was horrible. I was there for about 36 hours and didn't sleep more than 2. Eventually they let me leave and the very next day I was supposed to return to work.

I'm on day 5 sober right now and working again but everything is a complete mess. My parents are just barely allowing me to stay at their place and work is all but impossible yet I'm getting by. I've eaten maybe 2 slices of pizza in the past 5 days and thats about all. I'm still shaking and sneaking off to the bathroom to puke whenever the nauseua gets too bad. I can't stop asking myself "how did I get here"?

Getting sober the second time around seems a thousand times more difficult than the first. 2 and a half years ago I had a much more open mind and looked at sobriety as a fresh start on life and something I'd never tried before. I thought maybe I'd finally be happy, finally meet the right person, finally start living a normal life. Now I feel like all that awaits me in sobriety is more depression, more days of just wanting to go to work and come home and sleep. And worst of all I've destroyed the trust of everybody that knows me so I'm constantly brought down by that.

Its amazingly clear to me that I cannot drink even one beer without the obsession coming back and controlling my life. Its also amazing to me just how quickly the disease of alcoholism takes over your life even after having some time under your belt. I know if I stay sober things will improve on paper. My relationship with my parents will improve, my job performance will get better, I will physically feel better, and eventually I'll be able to move out and find another place to live. But I feel strongly that I'll still be dying inside and having all the same feelings of depression and not wanting to live that came with my first round of sobriety.

Its hard for me to listen to anybody in AA right now because I guess I just don't believe in it anymore. Sure, it'll keep me sober but all the people who look at it as a prescription for being happy I just don't relate to. Thats not been my experience in the past and I have no reason to believe it'll be my experience in the future.

I just don't know where I go from here. I'm white knuckling sobriety just so I can continue to go to work and don't get kicked out of my parents house because then I'd truly be homeless and probably would kill myself. I'd like to believe that someday I'll look back on all of this and just say it was a learning experience and that I needed to relapse and hit another bottom to truly turn things around but I just don't know. I'm scared and confused and the alcoholic gears are still turning in my head about how I can still somehow get away with a drink. I don't want to be homeless and I don't want to lose my job and I don't want to end up in detox and I don't want to end up in jail but I also don't know why I even care about protecting myself from any of that when I don't even really want to live anymore in the first place.

Alcoholism is horrible. Its ruined my life and kept me isolated and away from people. Depression is just as bad, if not worse. And the two are definitely related if not two sides of the same coin. I think I can deal with the not drinking anymore, I did it once before for two and a half years. But I don't think I can deal with the depression anymore. Because in the 29 years I've been on this earth, I've never been able to beat it.

Thanks for letting me vent. Hopefully somebody here maybe got something out of it.

Mrrryah1

Wow - awesome, thank you so much for your share.

I too have experienced having to come back.

Fight like your life depends on it - because it does. I am going to do the same.

Welcome.

zjw

I really appreciate your post theres so much in it that's beneficial from my view.

One thing that stands out tho is your depression. it sounds like your next go around with booze was simply you just didn't care and where depressed and found yourself in that cycle once again.

I'd venture to guess your sober time perhaps while everything seemed great on paper it just didn't feel real? just didn't feel like this was you this was your life? your still the depressed person inside this new good life couldn't not possibly belong to you? I know I feel like that a lot. But one thing I started to realize with my depression is I think too much. Things happen for a reason good things and bad things. We can sit around and over think them too and get all worked up in whatever emotion we choose. I could sit here and go whats the point of my life I'm not even as important as a grain of sand blowing in the wind her one sec gone the next whats the point. Sure I can think that and heck it might even be true. But why? why do I want to go there and think that and feel that way anymore? I hate feeling that way. and I find myself going to those sorts of thougths and I pull myself back up and out of them.

Depressions a real bitch but you have to get out of that pit if you can. Gratitude helps even if all you got to be thankful for is the fact that the air is still going in your lungs find something to be happy about and latch on to it tightly then find another something. Stop and smell the roses etc..

allow things to be. if life is going well let it. If life is going bad allow it. But don't drink. I had to learn how to go with the flow of life not over think things so stinking much. Its very hard I know.

I feel that's what you lacked your first go around with sobriety. I could be wrong however. I'd also be really greatful for the 5 days and the fact that you've relapsed and now know what that feels like. I have not relapsed yet myself so I find stories such as yours beneficial to me and helpful. I don't know what that's like first hand and I don't want to find out. But you should be greatful you've had this experience this taste of what that's like so you can go hrmm gee drinking really didn't work out for me again now what can I try?

zjw

also a depressed person never wants to hear it but there is always a bright side. YOu step in poo you learn to watch where you walk. Poo grows some great flowers. YOu need the rain storms to grow those flowers.

theres always a good side. even tho sometimes we'd much rather wallow in our pits and not look out to see it or heck sometimes not even know we can look out.

mme85

Thanks for the reply zjw, I definitely agree about having to watch where I walk not that I've stepped in some serious garbage.

Having had not relapsed yourself I hope my story can help you realize that its just not worth testing it. I'd give anything to take back the last 45 or so days of my life. At least when I was sober before I had some stability in my life even though the depression was hard to deal with.

Maybe I need to change my expectations about what to expect from sobriety. Instead of focusing on it being the golden key to happiness I can focus on it being the key to a stable life. And its not really possible to be happy without that.

mistory5

You mention being hospitalized for mental health while in sobriety, but I don't see where you continued professional treatment for the depression. You are describing being dual diagnosed. The drinking is a self attempt to medicate the depression. As far as the people you are talking to in AA they may not truly understand the chemical going ons of depression so they don't get it. Not bashing aa, talking about the individuals. Just like u get support for not drinking at AA, it may help to look for a support group , dr, therapist for your dual diagnosis. In the US this is called a M. I. C. A program.( menatally ill chemically addicted) sounds like from your post that depression is the primary issue , alcoholism is secondary. I hope you seek help from a professional for your depression( a good one, not a primary dr) . U do have some hope left or you would of not posted here. You r trying to save your life not end it. Will be praying mme85

mme85

Sorry, I was writing so much I was bound to miss some details. After the first time I was hospitalized I did go see a psychiatrist and get on new medications. I did start running more and hitting the gym as much as possible. I have seen many doctors and many psychiatrists (and many of them recommended by people in AA) to address my depression. The issue I run into is that the meds always just end up making me feel nothing. To the point where I don't have any emotions at all, just a blank mind. Its better than being utterly depressed I guess but its also never been a way I like to live so I always end up going off them just to feel SOMETHING, even if it is mostly depression.

Jupiters

Thank you so much for sharing that. I'm sure your post has helped more than you know.
and congrats on 5 days.

VikingGF

Thank you for your post.

Vandermast

Thanks for sharing

If you see a good psychiatric service and get your depression treated properlu

Your chances of staying sober will inprove exponentially

I am an alky addict sober since xmas..have had 7 years 2 and one sober

Also have ptsd

Get up and move put your recovery first

Hang here too hey

V

SoberLeigh

Welcome to SR, mme, and thank you for sharing your story.

I hope you go back to your doctors to discuss your depression and seek treatment to get yourself back on track.

Hevyn

We're so glad to have you with us mme. I'm sure many will benefit from you sharing your insight and feelings about what happened.

I had 3 years once & decided I could become a social drinker. Off I went for 7 yrs. of hell. However - I was much older than you before I came to the conclusion that I couldn't ever have ONE. There will never be one, ever again. You've learned something valuable - you never have to go back to that awful place. Congratulations on your Day 5. We're with you.

zjw

if your seeking perfection you'll be greatly disappointed. You cant improve what is already perfect just allow life to play out. ( read a quote along those lines). Everything happens for a reason a good one too just let it flow.

Remaining sober is a really good step to a good life. and in the beginning sometimes its all we can do is manage to be sober just one more day. But in time other good things get added to our lives because of our good choices.

Take weight loss for example Oh I wanna loose weight so I can be thin. Sometimes that's all people think. Then they loose weight they struggle through the whole process of the journey of weight loss. the diets the exercise etc.. Only to loose the weight and realize there is a LOT more to it then just weight loss. theres health benefits as well etc...

Getting sober is one thing. The journey of sobriety is another. the destination? (sobriety) is not really all that spectacular but the journey however that's the important part. You might not ever reach some nirvana of sober happiness or something some point in time where your drunken past is just some faded distant memory. 40 years from now you could have 40 years sobriety and still going to AA meetings all part of the journey a good one to be on too.

You mentioned you where running before that can go a long way to help with depression. I run daily why? it keeps me sane it keeps my head out of the gutter. Going for a run for me is like taking a daily shower its just something I do. And that simple act is very beneficial for depression and anxiety. One other aspect of it is if you enjoy it which I'm sure you would you start to think gee if I where to drink tonight I probably would not be able to run tomorrow or it might be a terrible run and that would stink.

zjw

I also like your story about how you said those few beers its like the switch was thrown in your head and you obsessed about drinking.

I can only imagine that's how it would be for me. I've quit smoking af ew times in my day and with smoking all it took was 1 and all I did was think about the next one after that. I'd imagine if I was to have 1 drink I'd be totally obsessed about having another telling myself it'd be just fine since I had gotte through the 1 etc..

Soberwolf

Welcome Mme nice to meet you

Thank you for sharing

Have you spoken to a DR about CBT ?

Well done on day 5

Grungehead

I can tell you that I had two separate stretches of sobriety of 6 years and 7 years going to meetings but not working the steps. I can also tell you that the obsession never left me. It may have laid dormant for awhile but it was always there. When I got sober this time (April of 2013) I was desperate enough to try the steps and an amazing thing happened -- the obsession for alcohol disappeared.

I also suffer from major depressive disorder so I fully understand the added difficulty this presents when trying to get sober. I can't say that the steps have cured me of this problem, and I still seek outside help for it, but not battling the obsession to drink has made my battle with depression manageable.

I know you said that you do not believe in God or a Higher Power which has made it difficult for you in the program. You absolutely do not need to believe in God to work the steps, and furthermore you only need to have a willingness to believe that it's possible that a Higher Power exists for you. Is nature not more powerful than human power? How about the universe itself? How about a group of drunks (G.o.d.) that gather together to help each other stay sober? Is that group more powerful than the individuals alone that make up that group?

The reason I went so many years without working the steps is that I was agnostic and I had a hard time believing that the steps actually worked. My last 8 year bender almost killed me and I came back to AA desperate enough to try anything. All I had when I started working the steps with my sponsor was a belief that everything I tried had failed in the past and that the steps seemed to have helped my sponsor and others. That sliver of willingness to believe that the steps might work was all it took to make a start. I figured that if it didn't work I couldn't end up any worse off than I already was. But as I took each step they started to make sense in retrospect. I am still not a religious person in any respect, but I have become a spiritual person that now believes that there is a Higher Power out there -- and I'm not it.

readerbaby71

I'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time. Are you receiving treatment for your depression? Do you take medication? I have to say that once I started buckling down and getting serious about treating my mental health problems life got A LOT better.

Maybe look into finding a therapist you like and seeing a psychiatrist about getting some meds. I hope you feel better soon.

tomsteve

Glad yer here.
Its hard for me to listen to anybody in AA right now because I guess I just don't believe in it anymore. Sure, it'll keep me sober but all the people who look at it as a prescription for being happy I just don't relate to. Thats not been my experience in the past and I have no reason to believe it'll be my experience in the future.

Welp,what ya post up there a bit above this is ya believe in it more than to realize.
Did ya get a sponsor and work the steps before?
Seems to me, reading what ya wrote, a power greater than you has been watching over you and giving you signs.
What have ya got to lose by going back to AA?
And talk to your doctor about the depression.
Those people who think the answers to everything are in the bb?
Havent a dam clue about mental illness or depression.
Very blessed here to have been prescribed an anti depressant and very well could have been dead if not.

FireTiger

Thanks for sharing. I had over 2 years over sobriety as well. I took an innocent couple of drinks like you. The shame from the reactivated progression of this disease has kept me out of the solution for over a year now. Everytime I went on a run, I would go until I couldn't take it anymore. Depression, loneliness, withdrawal, everything in my life spiraled down. I picked up quite a few white chips and went back out the same night. I called aa a cult, useless, I believed I was my own god, I believed God cursed me, I believed blah blah. Shame has kept me from a group that does nothing but welcome me back. There is nothing to be ashamed about.
My friend stuck around and picked up four years today. He and I had a sobriety date a month apart. He is happy joyous and free. I don't agree with everything in the program, but I don't care anymore. I just want to be happy joyous and free. If all it takes is going to meetings, sharing what's going on, being a part of the group, working the steps, that's fine with me.

Depression is an awful thing, I agree with you. I can promise you medicating yourself is not a solution. Until you can find the root of your unhappiness and pull it out of the ground, you'll always be just pulling weeds. I hope you feel better.

mistory5

I see u posted a little more about your mental health. Have you seen a psychiatrist/ therapist who specializes in dual diagnosis. This makes a big difference. And I understand about the way the meds make u feel. But unfortunely with psych meds it can take awhile to find the "magic bullet" that works for u. Don't give up on treatment for your depression. There are also other treatments for depression besides meds that should be discussed with the dual diagnosis dr.