Soberpotamus

Hi again, Cow

Glad you are doing better! Seems like you are anyway.

Creating the new sober Cow instead of dwelling on who you would've/should've/could've been seems like a better way to approach things.

So are you coming up with any specific directives or values for the new you?

This year, I am going to read and write more than I did last year. I think my brain is working better, and so it's time to raise the stakes a bit.

walkbeformakrun

How now, Cow! This is just crazy talk. Of course you might have had a better, even more successful life without childhood abuse and neglect, without a meth OD. Of course. But to say your life is wasted, no accomplishment? That is crazy talk. Of course I can only recognize it in others. When others tell me I am not seeing the good in my life, I don't believe that. That is bc my life really IS a wasted mess of lost potential. lol.

Cow

Hi SJ, no I not have anything yet. First step is therapist want me to list out current "rules" I living by. She say even if you think you not have any, you does. Even if they teeny tiny. Then we gonna examine my rules. So far, all my rules is base from being abused or being addict. Such as, I not like it for people to hear me breathe, like if we hiking or something. I also not make noise when I cry. (These is from when I little and try to be invisible.) Other rule is: DO NOT POP IN ON COW. (That standard addict rule, I think.) So right now, I digging about to find all of these rules.

WalkB4Run, yes, I has been functional and had academic and career success, but is all feel very empty. I not really enjoys it (or remembers lot of it). I too dead inside. I say "wasted life" cuz most of life I literally wasted, but also I numb/depress/anhedonic, and so days pass like wasted time, even if I seem like I accomplishing things. Even big accomplishments is wasted on me, cuz I not can feel and appreciate them, I not inhabit them, you see?

Lenina

holy cats, Cow! Don't blow a gasket. I thought it was understood I know your baseline so any little glimmer is a positive. don't get your stomachs in an uproar....sheesh.....


XXOO CAL

Soberpotamus

Cow, how much of not inhabiting your experiences, accomplishments and "being" at this point are from (1) not knowing how or not having much practice at it due to childhood abuse, (2) and/or doing so at this point would open up new pain because you'll be doing it a little later in life, which also means it's possible to change and something that's learnable?

Not asking for a percentage Just putting it out there.

walkbeformakrun

Yes, Cow, I see. I understand. I am in a similar condition. No anhedonia. (spelling?) But I have accomplished much according to standards of the day, yet feel empty and worse, beaten, lost and losing.

aussieblue

Welcome back Cow. We were an udder mess without you.

Hawkeye13

Missed you Cow.
You're a Holstein in a million


I think I like this therapist too--I might follow along and think of rules I live by too if you don't mind. Sounds useful to bring to consciousness that which was taken-for-granted-invisible.

A few things to report here--still feeling flat but interestingly my intellectual "uptake" continues to rise. I'm absorbing abstract things in one take I used to not be able to get even after repeated readings.

The other thing I'm really enjoying is my sense of humor has glimmers of life.
I do find some things "funny" again and have actually laughed (for real) a few times lately.

So this all boils down to the fact that I am becoming a smarter ass than ever before. . .

Oh joy

trachemys

You sure inhabited Climbing the Hill of Death, as I remember. And you didn't do that by teleportation. You fought up that hill one foot at a time.

You take down a mountain one foot at a time. So work on your rules to live by, one little foot at a time.

strategery

Another long-time lurker coming out of the closet. I am glad to see you back as well Cow. I hope you have a slightly better New Year.

Cow

SJ, I would say, because of upbringing, I not have proper brain development/brain chemicals that would allow me to react like self-actualized person react to things like accomplishments and successes and amusements and such. Maybe WalkB4Run can help to explain better.

Hawk, glad to see you trending upward! Is make my heart glad. Yes, I think everybody who want, follow along with my therapy, and we all either maybe is help or ruin by my therapist. (No pressure!) But hey, at least we all still in it together, yes? So what is everybody "rules." I thought of other one, I hate lending thing to anyone. I write notes to self "Daniel has you power drill!" and I OCD until I get it back. Even if it something of minimal value. I sure therapist has field day with that one.

Trach, I not yet sure what my ongoing duel with Hill of Death mean. Is adrenaline, for sure. Is defiance. Bravado. But is also total stupid and irresponsible by any motocross/trials standards. Especial since I not wear any protective gear. Maybe it take something death defying to even get rise out of me, or maybe death defying carelessness not even real to me, just like everything, life in general, seem surreal to me. I not sure what to think. Therapist and I not talk of this yet, cuz she already concern I suicidal and I kind of scare she gonna 5150 my ass. Anyways, cabin closed for winter, but Hill of Death to be waiting for me in spring, even more trecherous after snows and rains. I not think I suicidal, but you can bet, I will be back out there, ready to climb that bitch again.

Wow, more lurkers speak! Come forth all ye hidden and mutes and make you selfs known! All souls is welcome here.

trachemys

Make it a metaphor of your struggle with life. Approach building a new life for yourself with defiance. Bravado. None of us carry any protective gear into the battle. That's why so many of us are damaged. Our Hills of Death are always there. What matters most is that we are willing to get back out there and climb.

Lenina

See Cow? Some good comes from this suffering. If we can others get and stay out of the hole, surely this is good

Be home soon. Remind me to not drink so much tea prior getting into the car for a drive up the 5. Face palm and clenched teeth and crossed legs. No emojis for that one!

Xxoo. CAL

Cow

...this coming from turtle.

Soberpotamus

It is nice to see the lurkers

Rules... hmmm. I have tendencies, habits, and routines. Lol. No hard and fast rules though. I am kind of averse to "rules" per se. I definitely have my routines and if I veer from them I'm thrown off balance for the day. I'm fairly OCD about some things. Let's just say I have quite a few Asperger (high functioning autism) traits, lol.

trachemys

A turtle's shell is backbone and ribs covered with a hard epidermis...skin. Some protection but, sensitive and vulnerable just the same.

Della1968

I literally did lol over this!

walkbeformakrun

Lmao!

walkbeformakrun

Rules:

Work hard, don't be lazy. That comes easy to me.

Be honest and tell the truth. That one is harder for me.

Be skeptical, be wary, there is great danger out there. This one is really hard for me.

Don't cry, unless you absolutely have to and then let it rip, if you absolutely have to.

Take care of and protect those that are smaller and weaker, like animals. Always be kind to animals and people with special needs.



Segway to question about having great "success" and yet feeling empty, defeated,,,,

For me I think I appear to others as having a life like a yang yang symbol with equal parts of black and white or some even say to me it is like having a fly spec in my soup. But I rather see my life as a giant gross fly with a spec of soup on its back. I don't even want touch it much less eat it.

trachemys

I am upset with y'all's insensitivity