Sunsetred

Hey, so I'm just wondering how to deal with drink offers over the Xmas period? I made a sober attempt a while back and when I was invited to my friends for a BBQ they wouldn't let me not have a drink to the point that someone opened a can for me and set it in front of me and said oh you'll drink it in a bit! Which I obviously did! I just know the same thing will happen Xmas day, even if I get away with saying no at first as the day goes on the pressure is gonna up! I'm not willingly to tell people I've stopped permanently that's just going to lead to discussions I don't want to be having with these particular people as I don't trust them enough not to talk and judge me, and Xmas day isn't a time for worrying about that! I thought about faking illness saying I can't drink cos I feel I'll or something along those lines.

Has anyone had similar experiences where people aren't willing to let you stop?

LBrain

If these are the kind of people you will be with, it's better to avoid them.

And until you are unable to face the permanency part of this, you will continue to fall for it.

Most of us try to have a plan ready to avoid such things, be able to get away or leave if you feel the pressure or you feel yourself going for a drink. And if you keep your little secret to yourself - many do - your people will continue to tempt you.
Good Luck.

Sunsetred

Unfortunately I can't avoid them, if it was just me I would stay home and say I was too sick to go but there's my husband and daughter as well and I can't ruin Xmas day for them!

I have no intention of drinking, however I know when the wines getting poured around the table I'll end up with a glass in front of me whether I like it or not!!

LBrain

Just tell you are taking some medicine and can't drink if you want to. What's one more little lie...

Sunsetred

With holding information from someone and lying are two very different things!!

Boleo

Things I find helpful when dealing with drinkers in social situations:

1. Boundaries - Persons, places and things that I will not put up with.

2. Escape routes - Ways to leave a bad environment if my main ride decides to stay longer than I do.

3. Scripts - What I will say to someone who challenges my sobriety.

LBrain

just tell them you are not drinking. if pressed for an answer plead the fifth -
or whatever you do in canada so as to not incriminate yourself.

enjoy the holiday - gotta run

CupofJoe

A simple, but firm, "No thanks," with a smile often is enough for me. I'm not about to drink and I make it clear with how I act. If anyone presses me (which most don't), I just say "Just not drinking, thanks." and change the subject clearly and obviously.

"Ah, come on, you HAVE to have a drink."
"No, thanks."
"How come?"
"Just not drinking, thanks. How DID you make this pumpkin spice enchilada cheesecake smoothie? It's amazing!"

Another thing I did a lot in the beginning (and still do) is bring a bottle of non-alcoholic beverage (sparkling apple juice, sparkling cranberry juice, etc) so I'd make sure that I had something to drink and by bringing that instead of wine it also made it clear I had no intention of drinking.

And exit plans are good if you're feeling uncomfortable.

If someone isn't "willing to let me stop"--then I'm not usually willing to continue the friendship. Far too controlling for me. But I give people a chance to see I'm serious and then see if they back off. Most did. The ones who didn't--I wish them well, but I'm no longer in contact with them.

Usually most of the drama plays out in our head, so maybe just relax, know you're not going to drink, and have a good time.

gaffo

By this point (three plus years) it's really a non issue for me. I'm an alcoholic who must not drink and I am comfortable with that. I also don't smoke, I don't like bananas, I have grey hair, I drive a Ford, I have two kids etc etc. These are all just things about me that aren't really open for debate. Worrying about what kind of discussions about these things might arise is pointless. Also, people who like me and see me on a (semi) regular basis know what an improvement sobriety has made for me in my life.

I agree with LBrain about avoiding these people and their parties but if you can't, consider owning your sobriety and treating it like the precious gift that it is. You could tell people that you are the driver or you could say that you are on medication but for myself, I just tell people that I am an alcoholic and drinking will kill me then watch them shut up 99.9% of the time!

Just know that the longer you stick with this, the easier it will become. Enjoy your shame and hangover free holidays, Sunsetred!

SoberLeigh

Always have a non-alcoholic drink your hand. "No thanks; working on this one".

Have conversation changers on your back pocket. "No thanks; hey, I've been meaning to ask you. . . . . "

Merry Christmas, Sunsetred.

doggonecarl

Looking back, much of the "pressure" to drink was self imposed or worsened by the fact that I wasn't fully committed to sobriety and I was looking at "pressure" as a reason to drink.

Now, committed to my recovery and having not had a drink in over four years, I can't remember the last time I encountered any pressure to drink. So there either isn't any, or my perception of pressure has changed dramatically.

No means no. To others as well as ourselves. So be strong and stick to your sobriety plan.

1seekinghelp

For me I do a few things in these situations. First if I don't want to go, I don't go period. No is a complete sentence and I got a new one from a friend in recovery the other day "No thanks, that doesn't work for me." The other thing I do is to tell my sponsor and my husband where I'm going, if they aren't going to be with me and let them know how long I will be staying. If I put a time limit on it and give myself some accountability, I am more likely to not drink and leave when the time comes. I also give myself to have permission to leave early if needed, and again I don't owe an explanation and I can politely say, "Hey I'm heading out now, see you guys later". Other people don't get to tell me to drink and if they insist on pressuring me, I'm not going to hang out with them because they don't respect me. I have been invited to bars and gone and not drank and the people I was with respected that and no on pressured me. Plus my sponsor and my husband knew where I was and I left when I said I was going to leave. You have the power, don't give it away to those who can't respect your no as no.

OklaBH

The pressure to drink was all me. The putting a drink in front of someone who already said "no" ...that was me doing it. I thought everyone needed a drink. So the person that did it to you looks like a total ass ...like I did.

A simple "I'm good" "Thanks I know where they are" is fine. You have a daughter. Say "I dont drink around my child"

Missing drinking events wont mess up Christmas. Again, these are mountains that only we make out of mole hills.

I hope you get it worked out.

Enjoy your holiday

Carlotta

The only person who can make me drink is me.
and you call those people friends? I would not hang out with them socially let alone call them that. Life is too short, I will just not socialize with people I do not trust and who revel in drama, gossip and toxicity.

sunrise1

First, make a commitment to yourself that your health is more important than ANYTHING. If you go to the party to please your husband/kids, and then drink, well... you see what I mean.

Here are some tactics I've employed in the past:

"I'm on antibiotics- so I really can't drink, thanks."

Always have a beverage. Throw a lime on the edge or something if you want to look festive. It's no one's business as to what's actually in there... "Thanks, already have a drink."

"I'm taking the night/week/holidays off... It's (spouse's) turn tonight and I'm the designated driver."

"I might have one in a little bit... I'm good for right now." (Obviously, use this one with care. If you think it might give yourself permission to possibly drink later, don't even utter it).

As someone posted above, deflection is a GREAT way to move the conversation along! "Thanks, I've got a drink... Hey... who made these awesome tarts?"

Last but not least, give yourself permission to leave if your desire to drink leaves you feeling irritable, left out, or negative in any way. Always have an escape route, and your spouse should be in on it and good to go. Or you can always leave to "get more ice" or some such, and come back and pick him up.

Stay in touch with another non-drinker. If you have a sponsor, the best thing you can do is call him/her before going. It's much harder to drink if you tell on yourself beforehand.

Hang in there. Hope some or any of these are helpful to you...
And Merry Whatever You Celebrate.

Dee74

I used to give into peer pressure all the time.
Nowadays nothing and noone could make me drink.

The difference is me, sunsetred

There are some useful suggestions here too:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...trategies.html

zjw

I'd say avoid the situation but you said you cant do that.

So I guess i'll just ask.

How important is your sobriety to you?

When that glass gets poured ask yourself that question. When you get in the car to go ask yourself that question. Etc...

Its hard in the begining but in time hopefully you will get to the point where someone could put a bucket of your favorite bubbly in front of you and you'd not be rattled.

Harley1973

This is a problem I'm facing, I just had a relapse and Christmas is in 2 days and I'm struggling on how to tell certain family members that they can not bring any beer to my house.

Alwyshope12

I totally agree with zjw. In my opinion, if you want to get better and live your life, then it is best to avoid these situations or be prepared to say no.

There are some great strategies above.

To me, there is nothing more important to me than my sobriety.

If you are gong to beat the alcohol, which you can with diligent effort, it is best to stay strong. Do whatever you need to do to avoid the undue pressure. The people putting the unfair pressure on you do not have to live with the feelings and the hell that alcohol can bring to our lives. Im sure you would not do the same to them.

Best of luck and happy holidays!

ubntubnt

"No thanks, I am off the booze"
What? why? Just have one.....
"Nope, I decided I want to get healthier and fitter"
For how long?
"Don't know, another couple of months at least"